Getting over a relationship that never was...?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 17, 2012 2:10 PM GMT
    My straight best friend of 14 years and I have traveled around the world, have been through thick and thin and have been there for each other.
    I could honestly say that I love the guy and wished that I could find someone like him. His common law girlfriend of 5 years is sometimes jealous of me but I respect his relationship with her and wouldn't give her any reason to be jealous.

    About 7 months ago I was searching on the internet for all sites and history associated with his "internet name" and came across his profile on a gay dating site. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. Not for the fact that he was gay or bi or whatever,..but for the fact that this had been going on for the last 2 or so years and that he hadn't confided in me. I understand we all come out in our own good time but in some way I started to question the depth of our friendship.
    When I confronted him ( using as much tact and creating as comfortable an environment as I could) he denied everything.
    This became a cat and mouse event,..my senses became heightened every time he got a text and would disappear to read them. My curiosity got the best of me (I'm not proud of it) and I checked his cell only to find a text from a guy he was to meet for some car fun. Again, he denied it.

    I guess my question is " How do I get over a relationship that was never there?"
    I developed feelings for this guy and took solace that he was straight and understood that nothing more could come of it. I can handle the fact that he's not interested in me that way but the lying and the deception is what I'm having a tough time with.
    Since all of this came to light our friendship is awkward half the time. Planning for our annual trip is coming up and I honestly don't know if it's going to happen.

    Any thoughts, comments...thanks.

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    Jan 17, 2012 3:41 PM GMT
    JohnBJock saidMy straight best friend of 14 years and I have traveled around the world, have been through thick and thin and have been there for each other.
    I could honestly say that I love the guy and wished that I could find someone like him. His common law girlfriend of 5 years is sometimes jealous of me but I respect his relationship with her and wouldn't give her any reason to be jealous.

    About 7 months ago I was searching on the internet for all sites and history associated with his "internet name" and came across his profile on a gay dating site. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. Not for the fact that he was gay or bi or whatever,..but for the fact that this had been going on for the last 2 or so years and that he hadn't confided in me. I understand we all come out in our own good time but in some way I started to question the depth of our friendship.
    When I confronted him ( using as much tact and creating as comfortable an environment as I could) he denied everything.
    This became a cat and mouse event,..my senses became heightened every time he got a text and would disappear to read them. My curiosity got the best of me (I'm not proud of it) and I checked his cell only to find a text from a guy he was to meet for some car fun. Again, he denied it.

    I guess my question is " How do I get over a relationship that was never there?"
    I developed feelings for this guy and took solace that he was straight and understood that nothing more could come of it. I can handle the fact that he's not interested in me that way but the lying and the deception is what I'm having a tough time with.
    Since all of this came to light our friendship is awkward half the time. Planning for our annual trip is coming up and I honestly don't know if it's going to happen.

    Any thoughts, comments...thanks.



    I'm glad you made the subject what you did, and not "how can I get with this guy?" This does not sound like a good match for you because:
    1. He thinks he's straight
    2. He's involved with someone else
    3. He's now cheating on that person (I'm assuming if she's jealous of his platonic friendship with you, that she would not be cool with him hooking up with other guys she doesn't know, but it takes all kinds)
    4. He has elected to "experiment" or whatever we're calling this with strangers vs. going to someone he (probably) knows is attracted to him (you)
    5. He's trying to do this on the DL instead of coming clean with someone he knows would not judge him for it


    Based on that, I can understand why you feel as if your future with him is somewhat in doubt, I think it is mature of you to realize there is no way something healthy for you could come from this, and I can understand why you feel hurt. However, I'm a little curious though why you were trying to dig up dirt on him in the first place? Did he give you other reason to suspect this or were you hoping to find something to give some hope for the feelings you've expressed about him?

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    Jan 17, 2012 3:55 PM GMT
    Thanks for commenting njmeanwhile,..
    I dug deeper when he denied all that was going on,..I thought maybe he would come clean when I presented the evidence and that I could show him that I wasn't going to judge him on his choices, only offer him support and advice if he asked for it. He only made lame excuses and more denial.
    This was 14 years invested in friendship and caring for each other,..I could have easily walked away,..but he has become a part of my life that I'm not sure I'm ready to give up.
    He's the one who's encouraged me along the way to get into shape, to lose the weight, to change my life for the better..he's been my rock. This is why I'm having a tough time with this.
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    Jan 17, 2012 4:05 PM GMT
    JohnBJock saidThanks for commenting njmeanwhile,..
    I dug deeper when he denied all that was going on,..I thought maybe he would come clean when I presented the evidence and that I could show him that I wasn't going to judge him on his choices, only offer him support and advice if he asked for it. He only made lame excuses and more denial.
    This was 14 years invested in friendship and caring for each other,..I could have easily walked away,..but he has become a part of my life that I'm not sure I'm ready to give up.
    He's the one who's encouraged me along the way to get into shape, to lose the weight, to change my life for the better..he's been my rock. This is why I'm having a tough time with this.
    Then don't leave him. He's clearly a long term friend and you have something very special with this guy. Be what you are, a friend. He's in denial, we've all been there. What he needs now is time to digest the fact that he's been caught and to know that his best friend of many years is there when he needs you. Don't abandon him, support him. He needs to do the talking, sharing and accepting on his timeline, not yours.

    A good friend would let it go, tell him you're there as always and continue to enjoy his friendship, companionship and love, without the expectation of something in return.
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    Jan 17, 2012 4:32 PM GMT
    JohnBJock saidThanks for commenting njmeanwhile,..
    I dug deeper when he denied all that was going on,..I thought maybe he would come clean when I presented the evidence and that I could show him that I wasn't going to judge him on his choices, only offer him support and advice if he asked for it. He only made lame excuses and more denial.
    This was 14 years invested in friendship and caring for each other,..I could have easily walked away,..but he has become a part of my life that I'm not sure I'm ready to give up.
    He's the one who's encouraged me along the way to get into shape, to lose the weight, to change my life for the better..he's been my rock. This is why I'm having a tough time with this.


    Yea I was not suggesting walking away. I just read your statement about your feelings about him, your decision to search the 'net for evidence that he might be hooking up with guys (still wondering what precipitated your doing that digging), and wondering what you see the outcome here being for you. You've stated your support of him regardless what direction his life takes, but it sounds like he's resistant to share this part of him with you for some reason. Do you think he's aware of your feelings for him and trying to "protect" your friendship, or is he just still so deep in the closet that he can't even trust his best friend with what he's going through?
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    Jan 17, 2012 4:50 PM GMT
    We were chatting about dating sites and he had told me that he had joined a few and it's where he found his current girlfriend. I visited one of the sites that he mentioned and found his old profile...not visited for a few years. I then did a search to see if he was listed on other site and that's when I discovered the gay dating site. It was purely by chance.
    I did tell him that I hoped to find "someone like you" (ha,..you can imagine how I felt when that song came out..ha),..and you're possibly right,..maybe he did want to protect our friendship ,..I just wished he would have given me a little more credit.
  • Trepeat

    Posts: 546

    Jan 18, 2012 1:17 AM GMT
    That`s a shitty situation. I`d recommend leaving the whole issue alone. If he ever gets more comfortable with it he`ll hopefully talk to you, but you could really alienate him if you push it before he's ready. Sometimes pretending something never happened is necessary if you want to keep your relationship the way it was.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jan 18, 2012 1:21 AM GMT
    who hasn't fallen in love with a str8 guy? At least you know there's a berlin wall between the fanstasy and your reality. The girl isn't going away. He's not going to suddenly like cock. It's the bi guys that really fuck things up. They can switch at the drop of a hat.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 18, 2012 1:26 AM GMT
    JohnBJock saidMy straight best friend of 14 years and I have traveled around the world, have been through thick and thin and have been there for each other.
    I could honestly say that I love the guy and wished that I could find someone like him. His common law girlfriend of 5 years is sometimes jealous of me but I respect his relationship with her and wouldn't give her any reason to be jealous.

    About 7 months ago I was searching on the internet for all sites and history associated with his "internet name" and came across his profile on a gay dating site. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. Not for the fact that he was gay or bi or whatever,..but for the fact that this had been going on for the last 2 or so years and that he hadn't confided in me. I understand we all come out in our own good time but in some way I started to question the depth of our friendship.
    When I confronted him ( using as much tact and creating as comfortable an environment as I could) he denied everything.
    This became a cat and mouse event,..my senses became heightened every time he got a text and would disappear to read them. My curiosity got the best of me (I'm not proud of it) and I checked his cell only to find a text from a guy he was to meet for some car fun. Again, he denied it.

    I guess my question is " How do I get over a relationship that was never there?"
    I developed feelings for this guy and took solace that he was straight and understood that nothing more could come of it. I can handle the fact that he's not interested in me that way but the lying and the deception is what I'm having a tough time with.
    Since all of this came to light our friendship is awkward half the time. Planning for our annual trip is coming up and I honestly don't know if it's going to happen.

    Any thoughts, comments...thanks.

    wow, i really do not know what to say about this. i think you should just move on with this one. i mean if you are friends than be understanding and not judgmental or bitchy about the situation. let him figure out himself and you just be there to listen to him about it
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    Jan 18, 2012 1:32 AM GMT
    Dear poster,

    I find it quite bizarre you checking his phone. What were you thinking? He does not need to validate himself towards you. You are not his boyfriend. I can not comprehend your actions. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who snoops in my cellphone and/or internet usage. Your behavior would have severely breached my trust of you.

    There is no lying or deception here. He just didn't feel comfortable sharing some parts of his private life with you. He does not need to share every aspect of his private life with you. You should not have played Sherlock Holmes and have let it be. Major red flag is you snooping in his phone. You have made a huge deal out of his sexuality. Besides, would you act on it if he came on to you, even though you write about him having a common law girlfriend of 5 years?
    I am not judging you, just giving you food for thought. I would apologize for snooping in his phone and hope to amend the relationship, if it still is viable.
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    Jan 18, 2012 1:34 AM GMT
    Dude, he's your best friend, but you're treating him like your boyfriend. Be his friend, and continue to have the loving relationship you've always had. He has secrets that he doesn't want to share with you. Respect that. You'll regret it if you don't.
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    Jan 18, 2012 1:45 AM GMT
    There's really no rush to hammer through all this. Take your time, let things work out organically.

    I agree going through his phone wasn't smart-- but it happened.

    Friends fight, they go through uncomfortable situations. I wouldn't throw the relationship out, but I wouldn't be set on fixing it right now. Give him space. Give yourself space.
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    Jan 18, 2012 1:50 AM GMT
    You sound like you've had a realistic view of your relationship with him and that's good.
    I don't really know what to say other than I think maybe you should distance yourself from him. Let him know that his dishonesty with you is unacceptable, yet be there for him when he acknowledges this.
    You need to deal with your own feelings first too. You say you wished you could find someone like him, and then find out he's gay. Then he lies to you about it. That's tough because you have to deal with two disappointments. Not only did a long time good friend start lying to you, but (I'm just guessing here) perhaps it's something you have been wishing for and he's doing it with someone else instead of you.
    What if he leaves his girl and gets with another guy or guys. Are you going to be OK with that and still be able to be friends with him?

    Does this make any sense?
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    Jan 18, 2012 3:48 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for your responses and for reading...It was greatly appreciated.
    True friendships are few and far between,..and life as we know it can be fleeting. I'll appreciate what we had and what is yet to come...and understand that knowing less doesn't necessarily mean loving less. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
    Cheers,
    John
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    Jan 18, 2012 4:08 PM GMT
    Maybe he felt if you knew about him you would want things to change and he isn't ready for that or just doesn't want to go there with you. So he doesn't want to tell you that part of his life, probably afraid how this will impact your friendship. Be there for him and let him know that no matter what happens your friendship won't be impacted. I remember the first time I told my friend about being gay, I was more afraid of loosing the friendship than anything else.
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jan 18, 2012 4:14 PM GMT
    I am sure that he considers you to be a great friend...but just prefers to keep your friendship where it is in fear that it may lead to other things that he does not want.....it happens. I have a few very close gay friends whom I would do almost anything for...however I'm not attracted to them in any way so I would never think of becoming intimate with them. icon_wink.gif