My boyfriend and I are having sex issues.

  • Joshua21

    Posts: 5

    Jan 18, 2012 3:44 AM GMT
    I have been living with my boyfriend now for two years. We are really happy, everything is going great, we have moved to a new city and have started college. I was a cosmetologist and he was working at a call center and we both decided we needed new careers. Everything is going great, emotionally that is.

    The last six months we have been having sex only one to two days a month and normally we have it like three times a week. I am always wanting sex, I am 21 and he is 23. He has not been wanting sex nearly as much and it seems when we do have it, it is to shut me up because I pester him about it. My hand and I have become very good friends because of this..... I know he is not cheating on me because for one I trust him, and we live in a brand new city and hardly now anyone and we are together all of the time besides when we are in class. So thats not a worry to me at all.

    It makes me feel really unattractive when he continually says no, and it hurts me. He sees sex and purely lust, but for me it is also emotional. I feel like the connection between us is amazing when we have sex. He is emotional, but displays it very differently. His excuses usually vary from he is to tired or he does not feel well so he cannot have sex. Well tonight I MADE him have a discussion with me about what his problem was. He told me that for awhile after having sex he has been feeling a lot of pain. When I think back on it he does not seem as comfortable after we have sex as he usually would. He says it has become painful and he cannot enjoy it due to the pain. It has not been this way for the first year in a half, seeing as we had frequent sex and he often asked me for it.

    He is a very shy person, and we are sort of private about being gay. Are close friends and family know, but we really do not have other friends in the gay community. What can I do to help him. Sex is important to me and I like to have it, but he is more important to me. He is my best friend and if I had to I guess my hand could be my sex partner haha, but if there is a way to help him how would I go about doing so. How do I find a gay friendly doctor, I live in Boise Idaho.... very conservative state..... We have a strong relationship, but I have all of this sexual tension building up and I am happier when I am able to release it.

    Any help would be apperciated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 18, 2012 5:37 AM GMT
    He's cheating on you.

    If not...he needs to go see a doctor.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 18, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    He said he's feeling pain...does that mean you always top him?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 18, 2012 9:05 AM GMT
    Joshua21 saidwe are sort of private about being gay. Our close friends and family know


    Trust me, with hair like that, everybody knows.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 18, 2012 9:10 AM GMT
    JT889 saidHe's cheating on you.

    If not...he needs to go see a doctor.


    Number 1 answer above ^. New city maybe he's a grindr loser??
  • Scriven

    Posts: 61

    Jan 19, 2012 7:10 PM GMT
    I'm still kinda surprised by the number of gay boys who don't realize there is a gay community outside of bars and grindr..... It took me all of 10 seconds to type in "gay Boise" into google and found the Boise Gay and Lesbian Community Center. If you're looking for medical help I'd ask them for a recommendation.

    http://www.tccidaho.org

    Honestly though there's a good chance the problem isn't medical, and frankly it's a little bit arrogant to assume the problems on his end. Also by "Sex" I assume you mean anal, which is only one way gay men have to please each other.

    Maybe you're just not that good, and that's what's causing him pain.
  • sloughwest

    Posts: 210

    Jan 19, 2012 7:39 PM GMT
    [quote][cite] He says it has become painful and he cannot enjoy it due to the pain..[/quote]

    Assuming true, and he's not just making excuses and getting his oats elsewhere or the new relationship feel is wearing off.

    Then he should def see a doctor, one of the most common issues of pain is allergies to chemicals - things such as washing powder might be irritating his genitals, or he may be midly allergic to latex , so regular sex has made it worse etc. Try and persuade him to get it checked now as it will make his life better in the long run.
  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Jan 19, 2012 7:42 PM GMT
    sloughwest said[quote][cite] He says it has become painful and he cannot enjoy it due to the pain..


    Assuming true, and he's not just making excuses and getting his oats elsewhere or the new relationship feel is wearing off.

    Then he should def see a doctor, one of the most common issues of pain is allergies to chemicals - things such as washing powder might be irritating his genitals, or he may be midly allergic to latex , so regular sex has made it worse etc. Try and persuade him to get it checked now as it will make his life better in the long run.
    [/quote]

    This. Moping about the pain isn't going to make it go away.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 19, 2012 8:03 PM GMT
    Joshua21 saidwe live in a brand new city and hardly now anyone and we are together all of the time besides when we are in class.

    This, in addition to the physical problem you mentioned later, might be what's the matter. He might be having trouble adjusting to the new city, and might miss his friends, family, the comfort of "being home." It takes time for a new place to feel like home, and right now he probably just feels lost.

    You should not take any of this personally. It does not mean he loves you any less. It's just that he is human. And some of us, more than others, need to have a bit of space, a certain sphere we call our own.

    You should encourage him to make new friends, find an activity or hobby where he can meet people and spend some time away from you. You should do the same. You trust and love each other. There is no reason why you should be joined at the hip.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 19, 2012 8:49 PM GMT
    You need some time away from your usual routine. Doesn't have to be a vacation, just a few days to a week to decompress. Then, you both could stop working so many hours, maybe set a day or night aside more than you already do to spend doing whatever makes you both happy and calm. Lastly, don't worry so much about taking care of him. This mentality leads to you not having your needs met, and then believing you have no reason to meet your own needs, cause you value your partner's more...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 19, 2012 8:55 PM GMT
    icon_lol.gif

    Firebrand said
    Joshua21 saidwe are sort of private about being gay. Our close friends and family know


    Trust me, with hair like that, everybody knows.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 19, 2012 8:58 PM GMT
    Sounds like there are bigger issues at hand here.

    This "pain" that your BF is experiencing might be because he's not relaxed during sex, because he doesn't want to have sex (assuming we are talking about him bottoming).

    Or maybe he's a true top and only bottomed for you to accommodate you.

    Hopefully, it is all legit (from a cheating perspective) and a quik check up at the doc will solve the issues. Hopefully he doesn't have a colon issue.

  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Jan 19, 2012 8:59 PM GMT
    As the knowwonder and 19c79 said, he is just under stress of a new place, new city, college. It's going great for you, it may not be the same for him.

    You can call you local state medical board, they can usually refer you to gay physicians, or search on Google. A LGBT center can also refer you to gay physicians.

    It just takes time. You don't always have to have anal intercourse to have sex. Sometimes people's preferences change, maybe let him try the other side.

    Since it's a new semester, there are a lot of new things going on. Try doing some stress free things, like go to the park or plant some low maintenance herbs and flowers in pots or something.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 19, 2012 9:06 PM GMT
    I say go and see a doctor about his pain. See if that will work. If not see a shrink
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 19, 2012 9:37 PM GMT
    i had a similar situation with my ex, he wanted sex more often then i did and i was just never in the mood. i think just over time the lust just died for me, i might suggest maybe trying new things or just ask him flat out "are you still attracted to me" and if you say hes a shy person just let him know that you wont over reacted if he tells you the truth, you need him to be honest about it but if hes to scared to tell you the truth then the communication is lost on this issue in your relationship. when it comes to sex with me i still have to lust after my partner. I will not lie, love isnt going to give me a boner. otherwise i'm just forcing the sex to happen rather then wanting it to happen.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 19, 2012 9:55 PM GMT
    Try initiating other things that do not involve anal. If he is still not into having sex with you, then you will know that it is really some other issue.