I think I'm freaking out physically and I think emotionally

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    Jan 18, 2012 12:09 PM GMT
    JUST A WARNING, LONG READ and I'm really sorry but it needs some back story explained to understand the gist of this (probably) nonsensical drama.

    So I've been majorly confused for a long time and had for ages not confided in anyone about my confusion with my sexuality. I have a friend who I've been close with for a long time and she was the first person I ever opened up about myself. So it turns out that she went through the same thing about a year and a half ago and she had been in same sex relationships, and later she found that she wasn't really gay. It's a long story that started from her upbringing but to cut to the chase it made me feel less alone that someone else went through something similar that was in my social network.

    That made us even closer, although our pasts are a bit different, she always felt attracted to guys but circumstances and her childhood and a whole lot of other things led her to pursue and fall in love with another girl. The difference with me is that I, from a young age, always noticed I was never really attracted to girls and always found myself interested in other guys, though I'd never pursue anything.

    So we were each other's accountable partners I guess. I told her everything and she told me everything, and we'd meet up and update each other when ever things were to be updated in our own casual time.

    So to explain the freaking out (sorry for the mega long story) because we were the only ones that knew about each other's past or life story kind of, of course we had a ton of fun having really funny inside jokes with each other, giving each other advice or just listening if that's what was needed. We became really close that people would always think we were together, not from anything physical it's not like we held hands or hugged.
    We just knew each other well, often we would finish each other's sentences and I'm not being cliche, it would literally freak us out and then we'd have a big laugh.

    So ages ago she tells me about one of our friends who likes her and I'm good friends with him. No interest in him at all and he's a cool guy, we became friends with him pretty quickly as our humour's were very alike so the 3 of us clicked pretty quickly.
    Throughout last year and early into this year she updates every now and then how she felt that she did like, then she didn't and then later she did. They were pretty good honest people considering they would be open to each other and she told him that she didn't like him (which at the time she felt that she didn't) and would decide on having boundaries to sort of ease the situation and respect each other.

    I thought it was super great of them to be so mature. She told me she felt mixed all the time so I said if you want to help him by not leading him on (unintentionally) and help yourself clear your thought's about this situation properly, maybe having some kind of boundary would help. I just put it forward but didn't tell her to do it, she listened though and thankfully it helped.

    So just a few weeks ago she tells me that she likes him again. So I said that's cool, how sure is she about it this time?
    Updates and updates later, I get a message from her that she had a good talk with him. She said that she told him she did like him, but she's still going through a few things that she needs to focus on so she told him not to think that her saying this is a guarantee that she will pursue a relationship with him and not to get his hopes up. She just felt he should know that's how she feels at the moment. She opened up about her on and off feelings.

    Then BAM last week she tells me that they are official now. So I was excited at first and then I started to freak out. Increased heart rate, couldn't stop thinking about it. Not negatively or postively, but just couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm happy for them, but for no particular or obvious reason, I feel uneasy about it.
    So to add a little more to the back story, I (and hopefully I'm not hated for this) had decided that I would try not being 'gay' that I would focus on my life in general, my career, my family, friends etc and just sort of give the confusion a 'break'. She supported me in my decision.

    So I don't know if im uneasy because subconsiously I was hoping that something between us might have eventually happen? And just to clarify we would both talk to each openly and this came up and we both strongly felt that this would never happen and we both laughed at the idea. That's why we were able to be really close (nothing sexual or physical) with each other and be fine because we knew that we would never go there with each other. At least for me it was easier since I never have been attracted to women.

    Again sorry for the super long story, please feel free to give me your honest opinion (hopefully not just being flamed for a long post) but post what you think. I need help and she's usually the person I go to for this kind of stuff but I don't think it's right for me to tell her this.
    Thanks again for anyone who took the time to read this, I hate posts this long myself but I feel like this is my only resort right now.
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    Jan 18, 2012 5:25 PM GMT

    "So I don't know if im uneasy because subconsiously I was hoping that something between us might have eventually happen? And just to clarify we would both talk to each openly and this came up and we both strongly felt that this would never happen and we both laughed at the idea. That's why we were able to be really close (nothing sexual or physical) with each other and be fine because we knew that we would never go there with each other. At least for me it was easier since I never have been attracted to women."

    Hmmm...well this part, "So I don't know if im uneasy because subconsiously I was hoping that something between us might have eventually happen?"


    contradicts this part, "At least for me it was easier since I never have been attracted to women."

    You have a bromance with her. That's great. icon_wink.gif
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 18, 2012 5:33 PM GMT
    i am confused. do you like her more than a friend? if so, i say do not tell her. if she and the new guy are a item. than i think you should let her be happy with him. if they break up then you can pursue it. i think you should focus on you. i think you should concentrate on accomplishing all the things you have set for yourself. than if it is meant to be trust me it will be
  • TxGrunt

    Posts: 71

    Jan 18, 2012 5:50 PM GMT
    stop hating on yourself and go get naked with a hot guy! icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2012 5:51 PM GMT
    Take a deep breath and get on with your life. Go to the gym or something.
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    Jan 18, 2012 5:54 PM GMT
    BRoss saidJUST A WARNING, LONG READ and I'm really sorry but it needs some back story explained to understand the gist of this (probably) nonsensical drama.

    So I've been majorly confused for a long time and had for ages not confided in anyone about my confusion with my sexuality. I have a friend who I've been close with for a long time and she was the first person I ever opened up about myself. So it turns out that she went through the same thing about a year and a half ago and she had been in same sex relationships, and later she found that she wasn't really gay. It's a long story that started from her upbringing but to cut to the chase it made me feel less alone that someone else went through something similar that was in my social network.

    That made us even closer, although our pasts are a bit different, she always felt attracted to guys but circumstances and her childhood and a whole lot of other things led her to pursue and fall in love with another girl. The difference with me is that I, from a young age, always noticed I was never really attracted to girls and always found myself interested in other guys, though I'd never pursue anything.

    So we were each other's accountable partners I guess. I told her everything and she told me everything, and we'd meet up and update each other when ever things were to be updated in our own casual time.

    So to explain the freaking out (sorry for the mega long story) because we were the only ones that knew about each other's past or life story kind of, of course we had a ton of fun having really funny inside jokes with each other, giving each other advice or just listening if that's what was needed. We became really close that people would always think we were together, not from anything physical it's not like we held hands or hugged.
    We just knew each other well, often we would finish each other's sentences and I'm not being cliche, it would literally freak us out and then we'd have a big laugh.

    So ages ago she tells me about one of our friends who likes her and I'm good friends with him. No interest in him at all and he's a cool guy, we became friends with him pretty quickly as our humour's were very alike so the 3 of us clicked pretty quickly.
    Throughout last year and early into this year she updates every now and then how she felt that she did like, then she didn't and then later she did. They were pretty good honest people considering they would be open to each other and she told him that she didn't like him (which at the time she felt that she didn't) and would decide on having boundaries to sort of ease the situation and respect each other.

    I thought it was super great of them to be so mature. She told me she felt mixed all the time so I said if you want to help him by not leading him on (unintentionally) and help yourself clear your thought's about this situation properly, maybe having some kind of boundary would help. I just put it forward but didn't tell her to do it, she listened though and thankfully it helped.

    So just a few weeks ago she tells me that she likes him again. So I said that's cool, how sure is she about it this time?
    Updates and updates later, I get a message from her that she had a good talk with him. She said that she told him she did like him, but she's still going through a few things that she needs to focus on so she told him not to think that her saying this is a guarantee that she will pursue a relationship with him and not to get his hopes up. She just felt he should know that's how she feels at the moment. She opened up about her on and off feelings.

    Then BAM last week she tells me that they are official now. So I was excited at first and then I started to freak out. Increased heart rate, couldn't stop thinking about it. Not negatively or postively, but just couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm happy for them, but for no particular or obvious reason, I feel uneasy about it.
    So to add a little more to the back story, I (and hopefully I'm not hated for this) had decided that I would try not being 'gay' that I would focus on my life in general, my career, my family, friends etc and just sort of give the confusion a 'break'. She supported me in my decision.

    So I don't know if im uneasy because subconsiously I was hoping that something between us might have eventually happen? And just to clarify we would both talk to each openly and this came up and we both strongly felt that this would never happen and we both laughed at the idea. That's why we were able to be really close (nothing sexual or physical) with each other and be fine because we knew that we would never go there with each other. At least for me it was easier since I never have been attracted to women.

    Again sorry for the super long story, please feel free to give me your honest opinion (hopefully not just being flamed for a long post) but post what you think. I need help and she's usually the person I go to for this kind of stuff but I don't think it's right for me to tell her this.
    Thanks again for anyone who took the time to read this, I hate posts this long myself but I feel like this is my only resort right now.


    Well...it sounds like to me that you really like this person, and can confide in her about a lot of things, which is GREAT! Everyone needs someone like that.

    Plus, I applaud you for stop being "gay" and trying to work on going up the ladder of life. This shows that you are becoming mature and that you know exactly what you want out of life. This also shows confidence and will get you very far in life.

    Now, as far as your "feelings" towards her, or whatever it may be, first off, I wouldn't bring any of these things up to her. Like you stated, she's in a relationship, so it's best to leave these kind of things alone.

    So now, if I were you, I would sit down and just kind of evaluate my feelings. Do I really like this woman a lot, or could it be that she's with another man and I feel like I'm not that person she could just come and talk to? I mean, do some soul-searching. Look deep inside yourself and kind of pick out what's going on. If you have another friend, confide in them about this.

    And lastly, if you do have feelings for her (which you may or may not), but if you do, and you only want her to be happy, then you'll leave her and the other guy alone. If for some reason her and the other guy break up, and you still have feelings for her or maybe still confused, talk to her about it. You may find out something not only about her but about yourself by just talking about it.

    Remember, in any relationship, communication is key. I think you'll do just fine!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2012 6:04 PM GMT
    "I had decided that I would try not being 'gay' that I would focus on my life in general, my career, my family, friends etc and just sort of give the confusion a 'break'."

    This stuck out to me the most.

    You are depriving yourself of who you are. Most people thrive on intimate and/or sexual relationships. If you are unsure about your sexuality then experiment over and over until you become comfortable with who you are as a sexual being. Such confusion and inexperience may have resulted in that panic attack you described.

    Explore your sexuality--do not hide from it! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 18, 2012 6:26 PM GMT
    conscienti1984 said"I had decided that I would try not being 'gay' that I would focus on my life in general, my career, my family, friends etc and just sort of give the confusion a 'break'."

    This stuck out to me the most.

    You are depriving yourself of who you are. Most people thrive on intimate and/or sexual relationships. If you are unsure about your sexuality then experiment over and over until you become comfortable with who you are as a sexual being. Such confusion and inexperience may have resulted in that panic attack you described.

    Explore your sexuality--do not hide from it! icon_biggrin.gif




    ...and I'll add that sexuality is part of how and who you LOVE. That the OP equates gay with confusion is problematic.
    OP, You CAN focus on your life in general, your career, your family, friends etc without giving up being gay. lol, that's like saying you're giving up your heart. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
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    Jan 19, 2012 12:16 PM GMT
    THANK YOU guys sooooo much for all your answers, it's definitely been food for thought.
    Thanks again that you all gave pretty honest answers and they came across to me very heart felt which again is great since admittedly I was expecting 1 or 2 flame posts.

    Okay so I'm more relaxed about it now, not completely but more than before.
    I think maybe I was scared of losing her as a friend. Not losing her friendship in a sense, more in a way that she won't be a person I can completely totally open up to because I don't know if that's a breach or overstepping the boundaries of her relationship.

    I definitely would not ever do anything to jeopardise her relationship with this guy. Especially considering she thought she was gay herself and had been in a same sex relationship, for her to find a guy she totally likes I would never ruin that, I love her too much to do that (a really close friend love). He is also a good friend of mine, but he doesn't know about my 'past' perse. I don't know if she will tell him about hers, though I probably would think in time it would be a good idea. Maybe if he takes it well, I might eventually open up about mine to him.

    That way when I go to her for this kind of stuff he'll know what it's about and will feel safe. I don't know if hearing her story and then mine will overkill it for him though and I'd rather not tell him and keep him as a friend than tell him and lose the friendship. He's super awesome and I know for sure he'd be good for her.

    To Doug and Conscienti1984 about experimenting and exploring my sexuality. I've been trying to do so since I was a teenager so when I said I'd try stop being 'gay' I didn't mean I would force myself to not find men attractive, I just decided not to focus on that in general since most of my life has been trying to figure out the 'confusion'. It stems more from my beliefs so I'm trying to find an even medium if such exists.

    In terms of the exploration I have never been or will ever be a hook-up or sleep around kind of guy. It's never appealed to me so I never wanted to 'use' people sexually as a means of self discovery. I don't know but to me that seems like a harsh or disrespectful (on me and the person) thing to do, partly because I believe sex is an important thing and is not something that you should just freely do with anyone you want. Not trying to sound all high and mighty, I'm not dissing anyone who does follow this lifestyle, I'm just saying it's not for me. Sorry if I offended.

    Lastly, I will definitely just mull it over some more and get things more clarity before I say anything to her. I'm sure by now she knows somethings up because I haven't responded to her texts yet, especially since she messaged me about her official start of the relationship and I still haven't replied. Granted my work is going through an audit so hopefully she might think I am just supe busy. Also it was her birthday last week so I said happy birthday of course, and she had a get together party a few nights ago, but horribly and probably selfishly I didn't go because I didn't want to have a freak out if I saw them together.
    That'd also detract the attention off her birthday which she deserves better than that.

    Honestly, I thought that by 25 I'd have figured more things out but I just ended up with more 'stuff'. I really am trying to be a person that one could say "yeah he's worth it" but at the moment I feel like I'm failing. I won't stop trying of course but it just seems like time's running out. Not looking for a pity party lol, just that this is what I would normally vent to her but I don't have that option available at the moment.
    Again thanks for the great replies, meant the world seriously and again sorry for this long-ass essay reply.
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    Jan 19, 2012 7:21 PM GMT
    BRoss saidTHANK YOU guys sooooo much for all your answers, it's definitely been food for thought.
    Thanks again that you all gave pretty honest answers and they came across to me very heart felt which again is great since admittedly I was expecting 1 or 2 flame posts.

    Okay so I'm more relaxed about it now, not completely but more than before.
    I think maybe I was scared of losing her as a friend. Not losing her friendship in a sense, more in a way that she won't be a person I can completely totally open up to because I don't know if that's a breach or overstepping the boundaries of her relationship.

    I definitely would not ever do anything to jeopardise her relationship with this guy. Especially considering she thought she was gay herself and had been in a same sex relationship, for her to find a guy she totally likes I would never ruin that, I love her too much to do that (a really close friend love). He is also a good friend of mine, but he doesn't know about my 'past' perse. I don't know if she will tell him about hers, though I probably would think in time it would be a good idea. Maybe if he takes it well, I might eventually open up about mine to him.

    That way when I go to her for this kind of stuff he'll know what it's about and will feel safe. I don't know if hearing her story and then mine will overkill it for him though and I'd rather not tell him and keep him as a friend than tell him and lose the friendship. He's super awesome and I know for sure he'd be good for her.

    To Doug and Conscienti1984 about experimenting and exploring my sexuality. I've been trying to do so since I was a teenager so when I said I'd try stop being 'gay' I didn't mean I would force myself to not find men attractive, I just decided not to focus on that in general since most of my life has been trying to figure out the 'confusion'. It stems more from my beliefs so I'm trying to find an even medium if such exists.

    In terms of the exploration I have never been or will ever be a hook-up or sleep around kind of guy. It's never appealed to me so I never wanted to 'use' people sexually as a means of self discovery. I don't know but to me that seems like a harsh or disrespectful (on me and the person) thing to do, partly because I believe sex is an important thing and is not something that you should just freely do with anyone you want. Not trying to sound all high and mighty, I'm not dissing anyone who does follow this lifestyle, I'm just saying it's not for me. Sorry if I offended.

    Lastly, I will definitely just mull it over some more and get things more clarity before I say anything to her. I'm sure by now she knows somethings up because I haven't responded to her texts yet, especially since she messaged me about her official start of the relationship and I still haven't replied. Granted my work is going through an audit so hopefully she might think I am just supe busy. Also it was her birthday last week so I said happy birthday of course, and she had a get together party a few nights ago, but horribly and probably selfishly I didn't go because I didn't want to have a freak out if I saw them together.
    That'd also detract the attention off her birthday which she deserves better than that.

    Honestly, I thought that by 25 I'd have figured more things out but I just ended up with more 'stuff'. I really am trying to be a person that one could say "yeah he's worth it" but at the moment I feel like I'm failing. I won't stop trying of course but it just seems like time's running out. Not looking for a pity party lol, just that this is what I would normally vent to her but I don't have that option available at the moment.
    Again thanks for the great replies, meant the world seriously and again sorry for this long-ass essay reply.


    ^The above in bold print, I applaud you! I mean, I won't get on someone's case if they do stuff like that, but, it's not very wise.