Gay culture (and whether or not being in it makes you uninteresting)

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    Jun 24, 2008 2:15 AM GMT
    I'm new to the forums here, but I've been reading and trying to use bits and pieces of the workout routines here wherever I've been able. Good stuff.

    Anyways, on to the... ahem... "meat" of the subject at-hand (leave the puns at home, people).

    I'm a 20-year-old gay pagan in Palm Harbor, FL originally from San Diego, CA... and I have to say that the culture-shift from one end of the States to the other is ridiculous. I've been here for about 5 years now, and I'm beginning to wonder if my personality traits and likes/dislikes are placing me so far outside of the realm of possible date material that I'm not even blipping on the radar?

    First off, I'm not effeminate in any fashion, which doesn't seem to help my case at all. I have a feminine moment or two when I'm counseling someone that's having emotional or relationship problems, but aside from that, I come off as completely straight.

    Second, I like a huge range of music (metal is my flavor of choice), and that I like action and psychological movies, that seems to put me way outside the "norm" bounds.

    Third, does not being old enough to drink somehow send a flag to people that I'm not mature enough to handle a dating situation? I mean, it's not like I'm a branch torn from the Ugly Tree (at least, I -hope- not), and it's not like I don't work out and I don't acknowledge the fact that I have some emotional and behavioral baggage that I'm still working out...

    So what gives here? I rarely get so much as a "hi" whenever I try to get out and meet people. Is there something I'm missing here?

    -- James
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    Jun 24, 2008 2:21 AM GMT
    The problem isn't you, it is the people you are hanging out with. Find a new social circle or two to play around in.
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    Jun 24, 2008 2:24 AM GMT
    I've been looking around for new social places to meet people, and it's been a tough go-round. I don't live near downtown Tampa, so that really limits my options... and it seems like most of the gay guys are in-hiding out here. I rarely see any without going to the club(s).

    -- James
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    Jun 24, 2008 2:29 AM GMT
    try connecting with RealJock members that live in or around your area. it's a nice start, lots of folks here are really nice. As you participate in the forums, you'll chat with nice guys who can carry sentences.

    the cascading effect occurs, you meet their friends who bring their friends' friends and so on.
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    Jun 24, 2008 4:38 AM GMT
    You seem to be doing one thing really well and that's being yourself. Don't try to become what you think you "should be" or try to be something different to get more attention. One of the most attractive qualities is a good sense of self.

    I've noticed that there are a LOT more gay men that fall outside of the "stereotypes" than are in them.

    The bottom line is that we come in all varieties. Someone is out there who will find you as unique and interesting as you'll find them, you just have to be patient.

    And I don't know if anyone else has noticed this... but the gay clubs seem to be dying off. As gay folk become more and more integrated into society and less ostracized, it seems that the gay club / gay bar is slowly disappearing. I've definitely seen a decline here in the Detroit area. I'm seeing more mixed crowds at the regular "straight" bars. And while cool for diversity, makes flirting and meeting people (for dates) a little more difficult.
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    Jun 24, 2008 4:48 AM GMT
    The problem is simple to identify: you're in Florida, ha, ha! Sorry to break to ya' my friend, but while this state is full of people it's very low on individuals.
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    Jun 24, 2008 4:55 AM GMT
    I think that popular gay culture doesn't make a person less interesting or intelligent, but it can encourage you to represent yourself as shallow or boring. It's a male dominated culture that is only different from any other group because of the way the members have sex and because of that the main focus of anything 'gay' oriented is sex. Sex is about a lot of things but the most basic thing is desire for another mans body, so that's what everything is centered around. Much as i love going out to bars and meeting people, I can count on one hand the number of actual connections i've made with people. Most of it is really good discussions with people you will never see again.

    i think the point about gay culture changing as we gain visibility and acceptance is really important. We always want to be accepted and integrated but we never think about how that will affect us. I always say, I think gay people are getting dumber and what i actually mean is that back in the day a gay guy had to memorize all these codes and signals, hanky color codes and right side versus left side and foot tapping stuff. Now being gay is so easy, you just are. you don't have to do any work. It use to take intelligence to live as a gay man, now kids have coming out parties.

    wow, i kinda rambled there. sorry. but that makes sense right?
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    Jun 24, 2008 5:15 AM GMT
    Pagan scum! icon_mad.gif
    ::rummages for a sturdy stick::
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    Jun 24, 2008 6:05 AM GMT
    Buckwheet saidPagan scum! icon_mad.gif
    ::rummages for a sturdy stick::


    Do you have nothing interesting to add my dear?

    Oh and too James, mate, just be you, have fun, things come in there own time!

    Its not you either, I'd date ya given the chance hehe icon_smile.gif
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jun 24, 2008 6:52 AM GMT
    Yeah, you look like a handsome guy. But sometimes shaved heads can intimate people. If you come across as straight, maybe people think you're a skinhead or they're afraid you're going to pop them one if they come on to you.
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    Jun 24, 2008 8:50 AM GMT
    Buckwheet saidPagan scum! icon_mad.gif
    ::rummages for a sturdy stick::


    istockphoto_1579813_dildo_golden_vibrato

    I found it!

    And PaganJames, you're only 20. icon_razz.gif I agree with kryptonianadrian, find some RJ members I guess.
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    Jun 24, 2008 3:36 PM GMT
    Well, regarding the shaved head thing, it's based more out of utility and convenience than any kind of political, social, or religious mores. It's so I don't sweat like crazy doing small labor (and besides, I look atrocious with long hair). As well as that, I really don't think I come across as someone who could hurt another person. I've only gotten in one fight my entire life, and that was in elementary school.

    I think glitch's comments about gay culture lines becoming more blurred as it merges with mainstream society are poignant and pointed, which I think gives strength to the idea that perhaps the club culture is on the down-turn. Along with that maybe the emphasis on physical attraction is waning in favor of a more personal connection with other individuals, whether that be intellectual, spiritual, or otherwise?

    I'm grateful for all the replies that I've received and the insight that it's given me. Reading back through all the posts as well as reading other bits of this particular leg of the forums on dating and relationships has spurred a bit of thought in the back of my mind in regards to what I'm actually after at this particular juncture: Physical attraction or mental attraction? Am I busy looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now? Am I trying too hard?

    Lots of questions. Good thing nothing worth doing in life is ever easy, otherwise I wouldn't know what to do with myself these days. icon_smile.gif

    -- James
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    Jun 24, 2008 3:50 PM GMT
    I go to more lesbian clubs than gay clubs.. I can only take so much of the gay guys who are in the scene.

    It always feels to me anyways that the only converstations you can have to guys in the scene are about the weekend, or what happend last weekend and talk a buncha shit about some homo he dated 3 years back but still holds a grudge..

    Guys I meet out of the scene I find more intresting and make better boyfriends.
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    Jun 24, 2008 3:52 PM GMT
    I guess I don't like the high schooly vibe of being in a group either.. I like to come of as someone anyone can come up to and talk.
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    Jun 24, 2008 4:01 PM GMT
    Sean_85 saidI guess I don't like the high schooly vibe of being in a group either.. I like to come of as someone anyone can come up to and talk.


    Agreed. That's probably my biggest issue with "the scene:" the whole high school vibe. The constant gossiping, the stupid fighting over nothing, the whole "I only wear expensive designer clothes to make myself feel better about my total lack of character" type of thing...I avoided it like the plegue in High School and I sure as hell am not going to become involved in it now.
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    Jun 24, 2008 4:37 PM GMT
    I suppose that's another failing I need to try and resolve. I need to find more meeting places other than just the club/bar.

    -- James
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    Jun 24, 2008 5:00 PM GMT
    PaganJames saidI suppose that's another failing I need to try and resolve. I need to find more meeting places other than just the club/bar.

    -- James


    Gay organizations including volunteer groups and sports groups. BTW some gays might be worried when you put in your RJ profile that you practice safer sex "sometimes". I just found out one of my best friends is sick with pneumonia due to HIV. Gay guys, if they don't already, should have alarms go off in their heads when someone only practices safer sex sometimes.
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    Jun 24, 2008 5:04 PM GMT
    I've been clean thusfar, I get tested on a regular basis, and I haven't had sex in something like 3 months. I know it's a big 'ol warning bell, and it's something I hope to avoid.

    -- James
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    Jun 24, 2008 5:06 PM GMT
    PaganJames saidI've been clean thusfar, I get tested on a regular basis, and I haven't had sex in something like 3 months. I know it's a big 'ol warning bell, and it's something I hope to avoid.

    -- James


    Well thank you for the reassurance, for yourself and others in the community. At least you get tested regularly, unlike some sexually active gay men. BTW did you celebrate the solstice? My sister and her partner celebrate winter solstice, I don't think the summer is as big a deal.
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    Jun 24, 2008 11:44 PM GMT
    The solstices have their own respective celebrations attached to them, but yeah. This past solstice was rather tame by comparison.

    -- James