Ugh, messed up my second chance.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2012 12:33 AM GMT
    Long story short, I moved to a new city as a career move and hoped to start my new life open and honest. I will only be living in the new city for two years. I have always been "in the closet," but did "come out" to two of my friends in my old city. Everything went well, so I figured it would be easier to just be open at the outset of my new life in the new city.

    Well I moved to the new city and chickened out. Mainly because the city I moved to was way smaller and much, much more conservative than my old city (think small town South). I joined a church and met a lot of great people my age (more than I expected). I think the people there are moderate, but it is hard to tell how they feel specifically about homosexuality. There is no one openly gay in the group and no one ever brings up homosexual issues (gay marriage, DODT, etc).

    While I'd prefer to be open and honest right at the get go, I'm finding it hard to justify coming out now (6 months into the move) that I have established a great circle of friends. I realize "true friends" will accept you no matter who you are, etc, etc, but I am really content with my current situation. I am not looking to date or get into a relationship and I like where things currently lie. The city I moved to does not have a gay bar, gay groups, or gay anything.

    Technically I haven't lied about my sexuality as no one has asked me point blank if I am gay or not nor if I am seeking a relationship. But eventually sexuality will come up, directly or indirectly, and I have to wonder if I should be straight forward or revert back to the closest. I was more comfortable with opening up to my friends in my old city because I already knew their position on homosexuality - I never told them earlier because I didn't want them to have to lie to my other friends and social acquaintances in my old city. Just curious whether other people had similar circumstances and how they dealt with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2012 12:40 AM GMT
    Just remember this...whatever battles you fight later on, will be much harder due to mental and emotional investment. The question really is...would you rather fight a battle now (with an advantage) or later (with a handicap)?
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 20, 2012 1:10 AM GMT
    I'm thinking I just may be on the verge of a second of a second chance with my almost-ex bf.


    icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2012 1:45 AM GMT
    Why don't you enjoy the time with your group and should the topic ever come up, promise yourself that you will not lie. Deflecting, changing the topic or remaining silent are perfectly fine solutions if you don't feel comfortable enough to come out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2012 1:54 AM GMT
    I've moved back to Toronto after six years living overseas. I couldn't really come out to anyone but to close friends. Now however, barring some restrictions, I can be comfortable to answer someone if they ask me directly.

    Remember do what you feel comfortable with and I'm sure you'll gain more confidence to feel even more open in the next step of self assurance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2012 2:33 AM GMT
    faceless saidLong story short, I moved to a new city as a career move and hoped to start my new life open and honest. I will only be living in the new city for two years. I have always been "in the closet," but did "come out" to two of my friends in my old city. Everything went well, so I figured it would be easier to just be open at the outset of my new life in the new city.

    Well I moved to the new city and chickened out. Mainly because the city I moved to was way smaller and much, much more conservative than my old city (think small town South). I joined a church and met a lot of great people my age (more than I expected). I think the people there are moderate, but it is hard to tell how they feel specifically about homosexuality. There is no one openly gay in the group and no one ever brings up homosexual issues (gay marriage, DODT, etc).

    While I'd prefer to be open and honest right at the get go, I'm finding it hard to justify coming out now (6 months into the move) that I have established a great circle of friends. I realize "true friends" will accept you no matter who you are, etc, etc, but I am really content with my current situation. I am not looking to date or get into a relationship and I like where things currently lie. The city I moved to does not have a gay bar, gay groups, or gay anything.

    Technically I haven't lied about my sexuality as no one has asked me point blank if I am gay or not nor if I am seeking a relationship. But eventually sexuality will come up, directly or indirectly, and I have to wonder if I should be straight forward or revert back to the closest. I was more comfortable with opening up to my friends in my old city because I already knew their position on homosexuality - I never told them earlier because I didn't want them to have to lie to my other friends and social acquaintances in my old city. Just curious whether other people had similar circumstances and how they dealt with it.
    well.. there's a BIG part of your problem. icon_wink.gif
  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jan 20, 2012 2:58 AM GMT
    You can take the boy out of the mind-set......icon_wink.gif
  • DesireIron

    Posts: 426

    Jan 21, 2012 5:19 AM GMT
    faceless said... I joined a church ...

    You joined a church??? .... icon_eek.gif
  • omatix

    Posts: 89

    Jan 21, 2012 5:32 AM GMT
    Nobody's likely to ask you if you're gay, believe me. Or if they do, it'll be in a one-on one conversation, so you'll only ever be officially "out" to specific people. For the rest, what are you going to do - be their asexual favorite acquaintance forever?

    Moving to a small town would seem to inevitably lead you to beat yourself up over the difficulty you're having coming out: it legitimately takes more courage than in a bigger city. There are good, practical, logical reasons why a lot of gay people gravitate towards large cities.

    Either move, or pull the damn bandaid off. Life's short. Don't make it unnecessarily hard for yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2012 5:54 AM GMT
    I kind of know how you feel.

    When I lived back east, I only came out to two friends. One no longer hung out with me afterwards. The other one was okay with me and pretty supportive.

    When I moved to Cali, I didn't "come out", per se, but I told two guys I worked with, who I knew were both gay that I was, too. Then, clearly, word spread and it was actually pretty comfortable at work for the people who knew.
    But then I stopped my openness, not sure why. I didn't hide it, mind you. I just wasn't about disclosure, not that anyone would need to be.

    I definitely think joining a church group wasn't the best idea. if anything, i could see that potentially making you even more closed about it, depending on the types of people in the group. I understand why you did it, for social reasons, but it might backfire.

    Where exactly are you living now? Your profile says Dallas, but that can't be right. I would have to imagine that there is a city near you that does have gay activities of which you can partake.


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    Feb 17, 2012 12:35 AM GMT
    it's always easier to just be open and honest, even though getting to that point may be hard. Just remember, if you do find that people aren't accepting, you'll begone in less than two years.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Feb 17, 2012 12:48 AM GMT
    Do you want to risk the friendship of people who won't accept and love you for who God made you to be? Stated otherwise, do you want to be friends with narrow minded bigots and homophobes?

    There are gay people and gay-friendly people in your small community that will love and accept you. Decide who you want to invest your time with and then be happy with your decision.
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    Feb 17, 2012 12:59 AM GMT
    Fivealive saidI've moved back to Toronto after six years living overseas. I couldn't really come out to anyone but to close friends. Now however, barring some restrictions, I can be comfortable to answer someone if they ask me directly.

    Remember do what you feel comfortable with and I'm sure you'll gain more confidence to feel even more open in the next step of self assurance.


    You couldn't come out in Toronto?

    It's not exactly Tehran, eh?
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4864

    Feb 17, 2012 1:12 AM GMT
    I'll relate how I handled the situation when I worked for a large country-wide company.

    I was relatively out anyway, but only one person at the company for which I worked new that I was gay; he knew years before I started working for the company. A female coworker was curious as to why I wasn't married considering that, as she said, I seemed to be a very reasonable person. I told her that although most people were probably better off married, marriage wasn't for everyone and those of us for whom marriage would not be appropriate should recognize the fact and remain single. She seemed a bit puzzled, but didn't say much at that time.

    Later, when both of us happened to be working on a Saturday to get the tax software updated on time, she asked me again. I figured that it was about time for me to tell her, so I said something like this: "Well, Mira, it's like this. Most people are romantically attracted mainly to the opposite sex, but not all of us. I happen to be romantically attracted only to the same sex although I do get along fine with women. So, marriage really wouldn't be appropriate for me." She seemed to accept it and later invited me to have lunch with her, which was probably her way of telling me that it was OK. This happened around 1984.

    It's important, when being open, not to make it sound like an issue. In fact, care should be taken to make it sound like a common every-day mundane thing and address it in a manner that does not make people feel that they have to respond or make them feel uneasy. It's probably best to let it come up naturally in a conversation. Probably the best way is to let someone else bring it up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2012 1:30 AM GMT
    Try honesty...with yourself and with your friends, family and acquaintances...then you don't have to worry about these silly type of self imposed dramas...or what you told to whom.........moving and running from a problem never solves the problem, it just buys you a little time before the problem or lie finds you again and now touches even MORE people......its your news to share, so do it on your own terms, but grow a set and DO IT..icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Feb 17, 2012 1:31 AM GMT
    If you decide to join a church, research it first. If the church doesn't say up front that they are accepting, then they are probably not. Since it sounds like a rural area, there's probably no MCC churches.

    Some churches, like UCC congregational churches, subscribe to a doctrine referred to literally as "Open and Affirming" which means the church has officially included gays in their bylaws. Not all UCC churches follow this, but if the do, it will be all the church materials. This is one example, there are others as well. If you choose to go to a church, there is nothing wrong with church shopping.

    Don't worry about the friends you've made at your current church. If you go to a truly accepting new church you'll make many more new friends who will know the 'whole you' and not just the assumed straight until asked version of yourself. If the people you know at the other church are truly your friends, then they will remain your friends.
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    Feb 17, 2012 4:42 AM GMT
    I think I am content not coming out at the moment. No one has asked me about my sexual orientation and I hope it stays that way. Most of the people in my new circle of friends are single and really laid back. Looking at my situation now, I don't see any real advantages to coming out while I in my temporary location. There aren't many gay people around, and those that are open, are guys I wouldn't really connect with.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Feb 17, 2012 4:57 AM GMT
    To be quite honest it seems like you want us to "give you permission" to stay in the closet in your new city. While "not telling" people may not technically be lying, surely the occasion will come up where one will have to either avoid the subject or answer the question. I believe that coming out is a personal decision, but I think being out is better for one's personal well being, stress level and the progress of our community as a whole.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Feb 17, 2012 5:26 AM GMT
    buddy, i am not going to judge because i can not and even if i could i would not judge you. i am not either. mostly because i just do not want people to treat me differently. i know to some that is a cop out but its my life and i will live it how i want to. anyhow, i am actually thinking about doing the same thing but i will be doing it because i found a potential life mate. he thinks it will probably be easier for me to come out if i am in a new city. i agree but i also do not want to be one of those gay or bi guy who where there sexuality on there sleeves. the ones that sound like the people in the AA meetings. high my name tom and i am a alcoholic. ha ha ha anyhow buddy, stop stressing. come out when you are ready
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    Feb 17, 2012 4:52 PM GMT
    bigDrunner said Looking at my situation now, I don't see any real advantages to coming out while I in my temporary location.
    Thats what I was thinking.
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    Feb 17, 2012 5:19 PM GMT
    I somehow don't think you are really "content" with your situation or you wouldn't be drafting long essays asking others what they would do. I believe you are probably "comfortable" with your situation as you have not had to step outside of that comfort zone and put yourself out there like you never have before. Coming out is a very personal experience and very difficult for most people to do. I have discovered that very few people give a rats ass and even fewer are interested in your sex life. You will probably realize the meaning of the word "content" some time after you do take that step, but it's important that you do it at your own pace and that it's your decision. No one else should make that call for you.
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    Feb 17, 2012 5:31 PM GMT
    You doubled back here. Clearly, you are not "content" or you wouldn't be going on about it.

    You need to frame this in a whole different way. You're 29. You dig guys. You're from Dallas.

    Why is this an issue? I suspect you are worried about being shunned by the religious crowd? (Regular folks could give a shit that you like guys.) Shunning is a powerful psychological weapon deployed by The Right. You have a choice: lead by example, love / like yourself, or not like yourself and worry about an imagined boogie man.

    I think you know the answer here.

    It gets down to integrity, with self, and those around you, and...leadership. Sometimes, you need to think of the higher good, too. I'm not suggesting that you swish, flame, and say "honey." I'm saying to like yourself, and the rest will follow.
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    Feb 17, 2012 6:01 PM GMT
    ConfederateGhost saidJust remember this...whatever battles you fight later on, will be much harder due to mental and emotional investment. The question really is...would you rather fight a battle now (with an advantage) or later (with a handicap)?


    Smart guy