New BF and birthday

  • Profire

    Posts: 224

    Jan 21, 2012 5:04 AM GMT
    Need your help
    Just started seeing a great guy and his 40th birthday is coming up soon.
    At the time we will have been dating for 3 months, so fairly new relationship.

    Question: what do I get him for his birthday?

    I was going to take him to Chicago and take him to dinner for his birthday, but he texted me and implied about our disparity in income and said "generous but we need to talk about it a bit more".

    What do I do?
    I don't want finances to come between us.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2012 5:18 AM GMT
    OH GOD

    40 year old man complaining about his birthday and your efforts to make them better are getting dashed????

    learn from my mistake

    Profire said but he texted me and implied about our disparity in income and said "generous but we need to talk about it a bit more".


    It sounds he has a hard time accepting generosity (being loved and showered), but when you try, they come back later and gripe about E V E R EE thing under the sun.

    But you guys are much closer in age, so maybe the situation is different.
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    Jan 21, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    Profire, some people take a little longer to warm up to the idea of being spoiled. And often it comes from a good place: they don't want to "take advantage of you".

    Sometimes, however, it is a self-esteem thing on the part of the one who is receiving a gift. That is not such a good place. You need to get a handle on which of the two this actually is, particularly if you are running into this issue on a regular basis.

    If this is a one off, because what you are planning is spectacular and caught him off-guard, then all is well. Just scale back this event to something less extravagant... and spoil him *next* birthday.

    One other thought: this could just be a mask for the "OMG I'm turning 40! My life is over" crisis bullcrap...
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    Jan 21, 2012 5:48 AM GMT
    intensity69 said
    One other thought: this could just be a mask for the "OMG I'm turning 40! My life is over" crisis bullcrap...


    yep, same shit the last guy pulled. Except he complained about being 45. Every week "How does my body look? Oh I'm getting older. Oh, oh, oh"!

    I'm so emotionally scarred over what the last guy did to me after his birthday, that the next time I meet a guy who complains about some age benchmark near his birthday...I'm running. Even a simple complaint, they are on their own. Ain't got time for that emotional roller coaster crap and guilt trips.

    It's amazing how sensitive men get around their birthdays! I never knew it was true. Even this week's Jersey Shore episode shows how men act stupid around birthdays.

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    Jan 21, 2012 5:52 AM GMT
    TallJock said...It's amazing how sensitive men get around their birthdays! I never knew it was true...


    I was a bit odd myself about 30. But I learned from it, and 40 was no issue.
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    Jan 21, 2012 6:25 AM GMT
    Assuming he is less well-heeled than you although it could be the reverse and he doesn't want you spending what you don't have...

    I'd say tone it down and just go to a nice local place for dinner rather than make him feel uncomfortable, which he will, when it comes time to reciprocate. He's already "implied" that so take your queue from it.
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    Jan 21, 2012 6:45 AM GMT
    You guys sound so cute together. I have a hard time accepting kindness as well. If someone took me out to a nice dinner and evening, I'd be through the roof. Good luck!
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    Jan 21, 2012 10:36 AM GMT
    Profire saidNeed your help
    Just started seeing a great guy and his 40th birthday is coming up soon.
    At the time we will have been dating for 3 months, so fairly new relationship.

    Question: what do I get him for his birthday?

    I was going to take him to Chicago and take him to dinner for his birthday, but he texted me and implied about our disparity in income and said "generous but we need to talk about it a bit more".

    What do I do?
    I don't want finances to come between us.


    Nah, talk him into it. That sounds like a nice trip and you guys will have a great time. You don't have to fly across the country, a road trip and hotel stay will cost the same whether he goes or not.

    Just let him know the weekend is as much for you as it is for him, just better with him.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 21, 2012 10:51 AM GMT
    What's a good Christmas gift for an ex where we are still friends (with the hope, from at least one if us, it turns back jnto a relationship)?

    Bottle of expensive wine?
    Book?

    I am stuck and don't know what to get him.

    Your last forum post above.
    Get the new guy what you gave your ex for his b-day.
    problem solved.icon_idea.gif
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    Jan 21, 2012 10:55 AM GMT
    Which of you has the greater income?

    Sometimes the one with the lesser income feels guilty because he cannot reciprocate gifts of the same sort of value - meaning come your birthday it would not be as spectacular and you might be disappointed.

    I know it's not a contest, but that is the issue many times.

    If you are the one with lesser income, it's possible he doesn't want you to feel burdened by overextending your resources - which is courteous on his part.

    Money and relationships is a slippery slope.
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    Jan 21, 2012 11:22 AM GMT
    Man, 3 months is too soon to be taking a homo sapien on a road trip with dinner.

    If you wanna do that, do it yourself, for yourself. Or with trusted friends/family., Trust me from experience (I know you're older than I) but too many times I've gone out and did something kind and thoughtful for a mother fucker and they turn around and fucking SHIT on you afterwards. They sit down and take a big dump on your heart and walk away with your presents.

    Tell him Happy Birthday, buy him a cake, and 40 candles (something disposable in case the relationship dies afterwards as they usually do around birthdays and holidays) and do birthday sex and that's it. Don't spoil men. They never fucking appreciate it early on.

    New BF and roadtrip should never be in the same sentence unless you met him when you got home from the roadtrip...
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    Jan 21, 2012 11:31 AM GMT
    just do some home cook, try your best if you are not good at it. enjoy a candle dinner and buy him a special gift. do no too expensive. relax and you know you guys should do next...
  • pecsman_5

    Posts: 35

    Jan 21, 2012 11:44 AM GMT
    Take me to Chicago. I'll go. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Profire

    Posts: 224

    Jan 21, 2012 1:28 PM GMT
    Thanks for everybody's comments.

    I really suck at selecting gifts where I don't know the person well or I am restricted by some kind of limiter.
    I always struggle between too cheap, too expensive, to insensitive, blah, blah, blah.
    I don't want to give the preverbal "sweater"; generic, lacking personality or significance.

    When I know someone well, I am great selecting gifts for them.

    Again, thanks for all your comments.
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    Jan 21, 2012 1:51 PM GMT
    At 3 months, it's too soon for a road trip, especially if this would be the first road trip.

    40 can be an odd birthday for some people. Some wish to let it pass by, others embrace and celebrate it.

    Perhaps just a nice, cozy dinner at La Poste, Prima Vista, Boca, or Lavomatic. With a thoughtful, graceful gift. A nice, not-too-expensive everyday watch.
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    Jan 21, 2012 1:57 PM GMT
    Lay it on the line for him and tell him you're doing it because you want to and think it's something that both of you will enjoy. Just make sure you discuss it and truly listen to what he is telling you and don't take it personally if he says no.

    Income disparity is difficult in a relationship but can be overcome. I've been there with my spouse. When we first started dating 14 years ago he made way more money than I did.

    When we discussed it (have to think back... it's a bit foggy), although uncomfortable, he explained as best he could that it was the experience that counted not the dollar value and that I gave back in different ways.

    No aspect of any one relationship is truly equal. What one partner is stronger at the other is weaker and so on. I view it as yin and yang.

    I think the best thing to do is point out that he contributes in other ways that you don't and that it's not a competition with each other over who spends the most money. It's the experience.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jan 21, 2012 3:17 PM GMT
    My birthday was last month and nobody did a damned thing, other than my siblings sending notes by email. That was nice of them and they need not have done more.

    It would have been nice to have a nice dinner at home or a comfortable restaurant. It may also seem awfully little boy of me, but I would like a birthday cake, homemade, my favorite kind and not necessarily laden with lots of candles. Just cake and ice cream, maybe after coming home from dinner. Presents? Not really necessary, but if you do, make it something small and very nice and a bit of a surprise.

    It is really nice to be celebrated but most guys are a little shy about being made queen for a day. Make him feel special, but don't overdo it.
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    Jan 21, 2012 4:04 PM GMT
    I would've just done the dinner if it's a 3 month relationship.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 21, 2012 4:10 PM GMT
    Profire saidNeed your help
    Just started seeing a great guy and his 40th birthday is coming up soon.
    At the time we will have been dating for 3 months, so fairly new relationship.

    Question: what do I get him for his birthday?

    I was going to take him to Chicago and take him to dinner for his birthday, but he texted me and implied about our disparity in income and said "generous but we need to talk about it a bit more".

    What do I do?
    I don't want finances to come between us.
    wow, that is a bit much for someone you have only known for 3 months. why not take him to his favorite restaurant or give a day at the spa
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    Jan 21, 2012 4:52 PM GMT
    Profire saidNeed your help
    Just started seeing a great guy and his 40th birthday is coming up soon.
    At the time we will have been dating for 3 months, so fairly new relationship.

    Question: what do I get him for his birthday?

    I was going to take him to Chicago and take him to dinner for his birthday, but he texted me and implied about our disparity in income and said "generous but we need to talk about it a bit more".

    What do I do?
    I don't want finances to come between us.



    Then don't. Make it intensely personal, rather than grand.
  • RJR201NJ

    Posts: 9

    Jan 21, 2012 5:38 PM GMT
    onaquest saidWhich of you has the greater income?

    Sometimes the one with the lesser income feels guilty because he cannot reciprocate gifts of the same sort of value - meaning come your birthday it would not be as spectacular and you might be disappointed.

    I know it's not a contest, but that is the issue many times.

    If you are the one with lesser income, it's possible he doesn't want you to feel burdened by overextending your resources - which is courteous on his part.

    Money and relationships is a slippery slope.
    The above is the best answer yet.
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    Jan 21, 2012 9:41 PM GMT
    Profire said
    I really suck at selecting gifts where I don't know the person well or I am restricted by some kind of limiter.


    Well, what has he asked of you for his birthday? Has he expressed what he wants on his birthday?

    If not...and if you ask and he doesn't give a firm answer and skirts around...I'd tell him that he does not, that he won't get anything and I DON'T want to hear you come back to me 2 weeks later and bitch about your birthday.

    LJay saidMy birthday was last month and nobody did a damned thing, other than my siblings sending notes by email. That was nice of them and they need not have done more.

    It would have been nice to have a nice dinner at home or a comfortable restaurant. It may also seem awfully little boy of me, but I would like a birthday cake, homemade, my favorite kind and not necessarily laden with lots of candles. Just cake and ice cream, maybe after coming home from dinner. Presents? Not really necessary, but if you do, make it something small and very nice and a bit of a surprise.


    Well, did you actually tell anyone that? Did you atleast hint it? If you did...good for you, sorry it wasn't better.

    If you didn't...then that's on you. That's the same thing the last guy I dated said. 2 weeks later. "I wanted a nice dinner blah blah blah". Yet beforehand, all he wanted was for me to not mention his age or birthday. It's like okay, well if you feel so bad about turning 45 then I won't ask you about what you want anymore.
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    Jan 21, 2012 9:49 PM GMT
    Another thing I learned, is when birthday time comes around...don't expect much if anything from people. That's why people always get hurt. They rely on someone else to make their birthday special instead of fucking taking shit in their own hands and doing something.

    I find the people who do the most for your birthday, are people you barely know. Like just go out and say, "today's my birthday". OH REALLY??? LET ME BUY YOU A DRINK!

    Don't come back to me with that stupid shit later on about your fucking birthday. I hate when guys do that. They act like assholes up to the day of, and expect to get showered. No mother fucker you were being a dick the past 2 weeks.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Jan 21, 2012 10:03 PM GMT
    Profire saidNeed your help
    Just started seeing a great guy and his 40th birthday is coming up soon.
    At the time we will have been dating for 3 months, so fairly new relationship.

    Question: what do I get him for his birthday?

    I was going to take him to Chicago and take him to dinner for his birthday, but he texted me and implied about our disparity in income and said "generous but we need to talk about it a bit more".

    What do I do?
    I don't want finances to come between us.
    Simple...talk it out like he wants ya to...Communication is the basis of a long term relationship...Don't over think it....All the best
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jan 21, 2012 10:05 PM GMT
    Not punching any martyr cards here, TallJock, just describing what would be a nice birthday from my perspective.