Moment of clarity bullying?

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    Jan 22, 2012 5:54 AM GMT
    I was bullied for about 12 years growing up (from my first day of 1st grade to my last day senior year of high school). I'm comfortable saying it was pretty much relentless and systematic abuse. Certain incidents stick out extremely vividly in my mind, mainly the more humiliating and scarring abuses like when a group of kids got together and pelted me with rocks (they were tiny stones, they physically didn't hurt, but the act was extremely humiliating).

    There's one incident that sticks extremely vividly in my mind, mostly because in hindsight there's an almost poetic veneer to it (if you can ignore it was a malicious act of cruelty to me at the time). There was this one kid a grade above me who would pick on me constantly (I was 9 years old, he was 10). His abuse was, a little different. When he would say things to me he would say them in a very calm, matter of fact kind of way. They weren't offhand remarks. He thought about what he said. Things like "it must be exhausting and a shame for your teacher to have a student like you in her class". We had mandatory after school sports and we were in the same group and had to spend time together constantly. So he would dish out these remarks day by day.

    There's one hallmark incident. We were all standing in a line shooting free-throws, and he was in front of me (he was quite a good deal taller than me at the time). He turns around, crouches down to my height, and very calmly and deliberately he says to me:

    "You are a homosexual".

    I didn't know what the word meant. I was 9 years old. I told my parents and they were very upset. They spoke to the principal and the child was reprimanded I think. I didn't know what the word meant, but I knew everything he said to me was meant to damage me, and this was no different.

    It's kind of funny to think about it now. You get tossed the word gay, faggot, homo, with the throw of a knife all your life. And one day you have to assume it and stab that knife into you yourself. Yes I am gay.

    Yes bully, you are right, I am a homosexual.

    That is all.
  • disasterpiece

    Posts: 2991

    Jan 22, 2012 6:14 AM GMT
    I read, I liked, I smiled, and I remember this one day, when I was 9, I realized "gay" meant more to me than to any other one of my male cousins.
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    Jan 22, 2012 6:29 AM GMT
    Sounds like that kid had an older brother who taught him everything he knew.

    Sorry about your crappy schooltime years. icon_sad.gif
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    Jan 22, 2012 7:09 AM GMT


    "There's one hallmark incident. We were all standing in a line shooting free-throws, and he was in front of me (he was quite a good deal taller than me at the time). He turns around, crouches down to my height, and very calmly and deliberately he says to me:

    "You are a homosexual".


    Holy shit. This happened to me in the schoolyard right after school when I was in grade 7. I hadn't a clue as to what he meant.

    -Doug
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    Jan 22, 2012 7:20 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    "There's one hallmark incident. We were all standing in a line shooting free-throws, and he was in front of me (he was quite a good deal taller than me at the time). He turns around, crouches down to my height, and very calmly and deliberately he says to me:

    "You are a homosexual".


    Holy shit. This happened to me in the schoolyard right after school when I was in grade 7. I hadn't a clue as to what he meant.

    -Doug


    Maybe Ariodante was you in a past life.
    No no, you are Ariodante come back from the future and the past has changed so you don't realize you are the same person.

    But it is pretty angrifying that the kids that called us gay to insult us, without having a clue, were right. Well really they were neither right nor wrong. Could have gone either way at that point. You turned out to be gay but they can't claim to have known.
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    Jan 22, 2012 7:24 AM GMT
    SkinnyBitch said
    But it is pretty angrifying that the kids that called us gay to insult us, without having a clue, were right.


    It's pretty heavy stuff, especially because it's so apparent they're calling you gay as an insult and you retort with "I'm NOT gay!" at that age. It's hard later in life to untangle that damage because first you have to internalize being homosexual is not wrong, then you have to recognize these kids are using a misconception they probably internalized from their parents, church, teachers etc. who freely degrade and demean homosexuals in front of these kids and they use this as a weapon against other kids.
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    Jan 22, 2012 7:39 AM GMT
    Yeah, you're reminding me of old feelings. When I first was jerking off to guys at school, it was a conflicting place in my mind. I kept saying "I'm not really one of those, it's just something I'm doing temporarily". When guys would make gay jokes, that part of me was hurt that it was looking like they were right, and it enforced my desire to hide it at all costs. If they knew, they'd rip me to shreds.

    That's my argument when people say "gay" is fine to use as an insult because they "don't mean anything by it". It's the budding homosexuals within earshot that learn from those mentions that gay is something they CANNOT become. And also the straights who hear it won't always distinguish it from anti-gay sentiment.
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    Jan 22, 2012 8:09 AM GMT
    SkinnyBitch saidYeah, you're reminding me of old feelings. When I first was jerking off to guys at school, it was a conflicting place in my mind. I kept saying "I'm not really one of those, it's just something I'm doing temporarily".


    That's a lot more common than people realize. I started jerking off to either physical or mental images of men since I was 14. I didn't fully accept I was gay until 24. For nearly a decade I saw myself as straight, or straight-ish while DAILY jacking off to gay porn. It's wild stuff.
  • BmwKid92

    Posts: 1097

    Jan 22, 2012 8:15 AM GMT
    wow thats sad, do you think you were born gay then
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    Jan 22, 2012 8:32 AM GMT
    My moment was in 6th grade at lunch one day when one of the cool kids called me gay and I had no idea what it meant. My friends stood up for me, but that was the day I learned what gay was, and when I simultaneously internalized the idea that I wasn't supposed to be gay because homosexuality was abnormal and humiliating. Then I basically did this:

    SkinnyBitch saidI kept saying "I'm not really one of those, it's just something I'm doing temporarily".


    Ariodante saidFor nearly a decade I saw myself as straight, or straight-ish while DAILY jacking off to gay porn. It's wild stuff.


    When I think back on it I'd like to laugh at how ridiculous the denial was, but it wasn't pleasant living through it...
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    Jan 22, 2012 9:47 AM GMT
    Crazy horrible shit; almost as crazy and horrible as wishing someone had told me I was gay.