(first time relationship) and im terrified of sex (IDK WHYYYYY)

  • rogerfederer

    Posts: 300

    Jan 25, 2012 8:30 PM GMT
    this is my first boyfriend that i've (seriously) had. I really like him and lately we've been getting very sexual. But when the time comes for me to do it, i can't and i end up saying "not tonight" or "let's wait". We've been dating for nearly 2 months now, but every time it gets "hot and heavy" i just dnt want to or im really scared to.

    I've only really had sex through hooking up and to me, that's really easy...sort of a wham-bam thing. It's easy bc we both know what we want and we both just get down to business.

    But this is not a hookup and i dnt even know what to do. I hear ppl are suppose to relax and feel MORE comfortable when they have a boyfriend but im the total opposite. He's tried 3 times already and every time i've said no. I want to do it when im comfortable and ready but im NOT. whats wrong with me?? I really like him and sexually i want to but when it comes time to im hard but just dnt want to go further
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    Jan 25, 2012 10:42 PM GMT
    It sounds like you're afraid that once you guys have sex, he will no longer be as interested in you. If this is a correct assumption then this is a valid concern. Have you talked to him about your concern? I think you should wait until BOTH of you don't have any reservations. Either way, whatever you decide, at least you will know what his true intentions are.
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    Jan 25, 2012 11:25 PM GMT
    So wait... You already had sex with a total stranger but now your with a guy you love and you chicken out? W T F.. Get over it and start making love to him, I mean.. SERIOUSLY =_=
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    Jan 25, 2012 11:32 PM GMT
    If you really care about the guy, then make an effort to get over it.. and just do it.

    Your problem could be some form of performance anxiety, as there is an emotional component to this, unlike the hookups that you've had. That really raises the stakes, and puts the pressure on until you've established that you both like your shared sexual activity.

    I'm no stranger to this either. With someone new that I care about, the first time is *very* nervous making... but exciting at the same time, and I am relaxed after.
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    Jan 25, 2012 11:34 PM GMT
    You might have intimacy issues. Very common. Best way to fix it is to be honest with him about how you feel, and ask him if he will agree to letting you make all the moves for a while. And don't initiate sex until you're sure you want it. Once you feel more in control of the situation, these feelings should subside.
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    Jan 26, 2012 12:01 AM GMT
    There could be numerous reasons why you're feeling this way:
    - fear of inadequacy
    - fear of intimacy
    - fear that once you have sex, he or you will move on to the next
    - fear that your dick isn't large enough
    - fear that your body isn't up to par
    - the emotion of judgement in a relationship is much different than judgement in a hook-up. judgement in a relationship hurts. judgement in a hook-up can be left behind easily

    Only you know the answer to that. You have to truly be honest with yourself first so that you can understand your feeling. Then figure out how to overcome them. In order to overcome them, it might mean very upfront and honest with your boyfriend so he can help you.
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Jan 26, 2012 12:05 AM GMT
    i honestly didnt have sex till i was 20. i had dated many guys before that and i am so happy i waited. It was 6months into the relationship before we even did it! If you are not comfortable with having sex, but you like the guy. can't you just concentrate on enjoying one another and messing around? save the sex for when it feels right for you?
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    Jan 26, 2012 12:28 AM GMT
    Because you've never had sex with someone you care about.
    Your heart is a muscle and you need to exercise it. Learn to trust and care. Then learn to trust and care about the guy you're going to have sex with.

    Now for the bad news: Deal with your issue or at least talk to your boyfriend about it, or you'll drive him away.
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Jan 26, 2012 2:46 AM GMT
    I'm sorry but I'm a dominant/master top kinda personality, so overlook my directness. You sound like you are insecure about letting this dude know that you really like him in sexual expression of yourself. That's a self esteem issue and you need to just get over it as best you can. He apparently likes you. Even if you guys have sex and you don't satisfy him in your mind, which is where that will actually be the case, if he's stayed with you for this long, without sex with you, he will still come back to you again because he will know that it was all because you were afraid and nervous and you really like him. And so what, that's what you should want him to know about you; that you really like him. When a sub shows me that he really likes me, I like him even more, even if I seem to mistreat him. I always ask him to come back again. Those that act like they don't like me or couldn't care less if I'm happy with them, they are dismissed. Sorry for the honesty dude but you seem like a good guy to me. This is my version of trying to honestly help you keep this guy. I love your pics by the way. Especially the one with you on the bed, face down in your white undies. Make sure your guy sees that pic okay? How could he not be excited about having sex with you. Okay, that niceness drained me tonight. lol.
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    Jan 26, 2012 3:01 AM GMT
    Fear of intimacy, like everyone else says.. you are basically afraid of becoming intimate with him because you fear he will not like you enough and you will be hurt
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    Jan 26, 2012 3:14 AM GMT
    Hmmm? Go at your pace, buddy. Only you know you so I say don't rush it. As others have stated, it might be intimacy issues and if you really like this guy then you guys should sit and chat a for bit to see what's up.

    It's way easier to fuck a stranger and just be done with them since it's just a hook-up but when you develop genuine feelings for someone things can get a bit tricky. I think you'll be fine as long as you don't rush it and as long as you keep communications open between the two of you.

    Best of luck.
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    Jan 26, 2012 3:18 AM GMT
    You can come practice with me icon_lol.gif