Parents who can't accept their kids are gay...

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    Jun 25, 2008 6:07 PM GMT
    My mom just won't give it up, and it's really starting to get annoying. Obviously, I've yet to come out to her, but you'd think it'd be pretty obvious by now: I got caught looking at gay porn about twice between 1998 and 2000 (between the ages of 12 and 14).

    The second time I got caught by my step father, I tried to deny it and my mom freaked out. She ran downstairs to her room, slammed the door, jumped in bed and started crying. I had to tell her that in fact, "I did go to those sites". It was heart-breaking to see her that way.

    The next day, she screamed at me and told me she had a "terrible day" and that it would have been better if I were looking at girls.

    At 15, she asked me, "you do like girls right?". I admit, I've dated a few girls and talked about a few girls but isn't it surmisable that by now (22 and all) that a guy as outgoing and attractive as me would have tons of girls if I were straight?

    She just won't stop talking about "when I find a wife", "when I have kids", and "when I find the right girl".

    I guess what I just don't understand is that my mom says she's very pro-gay and always has been. As a kid, she'd always talk about how gays are no different from anyone else and deserve equal rights. So why the contradiction in behavior when evidence pointed to the fact that I may be gay?

    Has anyone else experienced this?
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    Jun 25, 2008 6:24 PM GMT
    I had a situation like that, where i told my mother i was gay when i was a teenager, she cried all that night, and she first dismissed it as a teenage phase brought on by hormones, then felt it was a gay friend of mine ho turned me gay. it wasnt until she saw a story about gay teenagers who were kicked out or put away that she realized i wasnt joking and that i didnt choose it. Even now she will comment on how she wishes i would give girls another shot(I've had girlfriends before but never had sex with them)
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    Jun 25, 2008 6:29 PM GMT
    Okay... I rarely talk about this.

    When I was around 11 to 12 or something I kept this notebook where I would draw naked men in um... gay positions. LOL. I never really even knew what gay sex was back then but I would draw men kissing or doing fellatio or things like that. Big hairy men ROFL and very well drawn too (I was already very good at drawing since around 8 years of age). icon_redface.gif I didn't even know that drawing those would mean that I was gay. Gay or straight had no meaning to me back then. They were simply self-made erotica and I would jerk off to them. LOL icon_redface.gif

    Anyway I kept it on the compartment above my closet. One day it went missing. I panicked LOL. Turns out one of my older sisters found it and showed it to mom. She was then an undergraduate of BS Psych and apparently told my mom that it was a phase. My mom tried to confront me but I refused to talk to her.

    Anyway, a couple of years later we were coming home from a family trip and somehow the discussion turned to gays and my mom made a flippant remark about that goddamn notebook. She made it sound like it was nothing at all, and that I wasn't really gay and that she was glad I was over that phase. I was angry as hell but I still wouldn't talk about it, heck, back then I couldn't even admit to myself that I was gay.

    So yeah... I know they suspect, and I guess I'm still waiting for them to confront me. The evidence stared them in the nose 10 years ago and they chose not to believe it. Man, if they had told me it was alright years ago, I'd have been happily out by now.

    Fast forward to the present. I still have no girlfriend. But my mom still asks me sometimes if I have a girl somewhere or she'd remark on a pretty girl when I'm around. Blah!

    It also didn't help that a few years ago, the same sister again found my porn stash, this time straight. I went ballistic and almost punched her, I was already like 17 or 18 then. LOL. I had enough of her snooping and told her as much. The point was, the porn was straight because I still didn't have the guts to go get gay porn. Naturally, she might've thought that since I had migrated to straight porn now, I must be over the 'gay phase'. Ugh.

    God I really need to come out soon. LOL

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    Jun 25, 2008 7:59 PM GMT
    My mother goes on and on about my lesbian sister and how she wants her to leave her wife and start dating guys again. She talks to me about it all the time. I want to say "Wake up mom"....Im 30, you have only seen me with one girl and I always avoid any conversation when you try to hook me up with a woman. She wants to believe what she wants I guess.
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    Jun 25, 2008 8:00 PM GMT
    Reading these stories makes me glad I did not say anything until I was 29. My family members (especially my mom) are great at dramatic scenes. God only knows what would have happened if I had told them I liked guys when I was a teen living at home.

    All I can say collegestud86 is hang in there, if there is anything that will change your Mom around it is time. And bringing your first true love back to see the family.

    BTW Sedative that story of you drawing men in gay sexual positions when you were a young teen made my eyebrows raise a bit. You were a precocious one weren't you? icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 25, 2008 8:16 PM GMT
    i certainly understand the frustration. my mother still hangs on to that belief that i'm, in her words, "not really a gay" (i love the horrid grammar, LOL)

    so far i've tried:
    1.) straight-forward calm factual conversation = didn't do shit
    2.) addressing her beliefs and stereotypes and what she heard from some girl when we was 7 (she's 64 now) = useless
    3.) referring her to PFLAG and other sites supportive and explanatory = she denies it still, but she didn't read it at all citing lack of time, i suspect she was looking for evidence that i can change

    i've resorted to confrontational methods, everytime she makes a dumb comment like, "oh you're not gay, you know i'm right" i launch into attack mode, calling her out on her behavior. i *think* i'm finally getting through her thick skull.

    i'm not proud of it, but there was something she said that just made me go, "Fuck you. I will NOT allow you to talk to me like that. Ever. So, fuck. you." icon_confused.gif
    like i said, not proud of it, but when push comes to shove, i bulldoze your ass back. HARD.
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    Jun 25, 2008 8:29 PM GMT
    JBE60 saidBTW Sedative that story of you drawing men in gay sexual positions when you were a young teen made my eyebrows raise a bit. You were a precocious one weren't you? icon_lol.gif


    I blame puberty! icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 25, 2008 8:42 PM GMT
    Parents who can't accept their kids are gay...


    well, all i can say is ...

    i really don't care ...

    if my parents can't accept me, then that is not my problem ...

    i was not born to please anybody ...

    i was not born to please my parents ...

    this is who i am ...

    its either you accept me or not ...

    i rest my case ... icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 25, 2008 8:58 PM GMT
    Based on what you said, I would not necessarily think that your mom is anti-gay. It's just a bit different because she is facing the situation with her own kid.

    Honestly, she's probably just at an age where she is daydreaming about grandkids. This seems to happen with parents, and if you think about it, it's a logical hope when you have kids that they might continue on the line. I've noticed it is also more common when the gay kid is an only child. I'm not sure if that's true in your case.

    I have known quite a few people who blasted themselves out of the closet, totally insensitive to the fact that their parents just spent 18 years raising them, inevitably having a whole array of hopes for their kid(s) along the way. But I think it's important to recognize that your sexual orientation DOES affect the rest of your family, even in the most open minded and positive of family environments.

    She does sound a bit high pressure and probably also in a bit of denial about the whole thing. But just as your parents managed your expectations about the world when you were a little kid, I think there comes a time when the roles reverse, and you need to manage their expectations. It probably takes every bit as much patience.

  • auryn

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    Jun 25, 2008 9:50 PM GMT
    From what I've noticed, it's easier for parents to accept a gay person as long as he/she isn't immediate family. Parents not only what what's best for us, but they want what society has established as the norm. My mom still has issues accepting her son as gay, but eventually, they come around (or so I'm told.)
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    Jun 25, 2008 10:08 PM GMT
    How many homosexual people have cried over their own sexuality?

    If I was a parent, and found out I had a homosexual child, I may well cry too. because I would want the best for my child. With this they would have too deal with discrimination from the mainstream world, as well the gay community is not a kind friendly place either; I would still feel this as a homosexual parent.

    But I would also have to get over it, and just deal with it, for the love of my child. This is so me. Something may happen. I may flip out, have my say. Then with the next foot step forward and move on....

    Lets not forget for many parents it's also a for of grief, for a life lost.
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    Jun 25, 2008 11:46 PM GMT
    I knew it was a bad idea to tell my mom about myself when we were having dinner one night. And she suspects, everybody dose. She had all of my adult life to prepare to hear this and mentally im thinking shes ready. So i am seconds away from telling her, the line was perfect, but being the dram queen she was, her eyes got abnormally large, and she shifts her body back as if im about to tell her someone died. And right before i was about to tell her my "secret" i told her that i smoke weed. And she basically gave a shit that i was experimenting with drugs.......What troubled me the most about this is that she was so easy to accept a son thats on drugs, then a gay one... I just don't get it.
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    Jun 26, 2008 12:41 AM GMT
    Malibu saidI knew it was a bad idea to tell my mom about myself when we were having dinner one night. And she suspects, everybody dose. She had all of my adult life to prepare to hear this and mentally im thinking shes ready. So i am seconds away from telling her, the line was perfect, but being the dram queen she was, her eyes got abnormally large, and she shifts her body back as if im about to tell her someone died. And right before i was about to tell her my "secret" i told her that i smoke weed. And she basically gave a shit that i was experimenting with drugs.......What troubled me the most about this is that she was so easy to accept a son thats on drugs, then a gay one... I just don't get it.






    That sucks, Malibu!

    My mom had this habit of taking me aside and telling me, " You can tell me ANYTHING, Ryan. Because I'm your mother."

    As if.

    Didn't believe it then and certainly don't believe it now, after all that nonsense above... icon_rolleyes.gif

    I don't think there's much point in comming out to your parents. As the people who watch you grom up since infantcy, there is no dowubt in my mind that they already suspect/know on some level the orientation of their child.

    Besides, you never here about guys going to their mom's saying,"Mom... I think... I might be HETERO!!"


    Mom,"NOOOOOOO! NOT MA BABY!!!"


    Yeah that'd be a hoot.icon_lol.gificon_twisted.gif
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    Jun 26, 2008 1:26 AM GMT
    While it's affirming that kids are coming out earlier these days, there can be associated risks, too. I volunteer for a local organization that supports homeless GLBT teens, typically kicked out after a parent finds out, or else make it so abusive they run away. We're actually having our biggest benefit this Sunday. Some of the stories are heartbreaking, but there are also successes--either reconciliation with parents over time, or else they get the life-coaching/mentoring for living independently without needing their parent's support.

    So, for independent adults, come out of the flippin' closet. But I wouldn't pressure dependent kids to do it unless they were very confident of their parent's support.
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    Jun 26, 2008 1:47 AM GMT
    I have the best parents ever. They asked me and I answered them and from then on the relationship between us has been the best a guy can have with his parents.

    Sorry that you are going through this but hopefully parents will get past and accept you for who you are.
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    Jun 26, 2008 2:21 AM GMT
    CollegeStud,

    Have you actually come out to your parents though? You say that you told your mom that you went to a gay porn site, but have you actually had the "I am a gay man, I like other gay men, I am gay" conversation?
  • dcarm

    Posts: 291

    Jun 26, 2008 3:18 AM GMT
    Others have explained why I think she's holding a (seemingly) incompatible position on gays in general vs you in particular.

    It's because it's much easier to accept when it's someone else's son.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 26, 2008 10:15 AM GMT
    collegestud86 saidMy mom just won't give it up, and it's really starting to get annoying. Obviously, I've yet to come out to her, but you'd think it'd be pretty obvious by now
    She just won't stop talking about "when I find a wife", "when I have kids", and "when I find the right girl".



    Do you think you might have any part in this?
    If it's pretty obvious ... why the need to deny it then?

    It's time to sit Mom down
    You can do it now...
    and have her come to terms with it sooner rather than continue this charade with all the ensuing drama
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    Jun 26, 2008 11:16 AM GMT
    At 15, she asked me, "you do like girls right?". I admit, I've dated a few girls and talked about a few girls but isn't it surmisable that by now (22 and all) that a guy as outgoing and attractive as me would have tons of girls if I were straight?

    She just won't stop talking about "when I find a wife", "when I have kids", and "when I find the right girl".


    To be honest Collegestud86 you have been sending her mixed messages. Although you have been "caught" looking at gay porn when you were younger, many parents will still look at that as a stage. Since you have gone out with girls they will latch onto to that as evidence you really like women.

    Since you have not posted a picture of yourself I can't comment on the "outgoing and attractive" descriptions you have used, but generally speaking by the age of 22 a hetero male with those characteristics has had a few steady girlfriends.

    As long as you live with your family, your parents will hope you are straight unless you come right out and say it "I am gay, I have always been gay, and nothing is going to change that." Or you can leave home and establish your own life, and one day bring back your "good friend" and introduce him to your parents as your bf.

    Best of luck to you.
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    Jun 26, 2008 12:03 PM GMT
    collegestud86 saidMy mom just won't give it up, and it's really starting to get annoying. Obviously, I've yet to come out to her, but you'd think it'd be pretty obvious by now: I got caught looking at gay porn about twice between 1998 and 2000 (between the ages of 12 and 14).

    The second time I got caught by my step father, I tried to deny it and my mom freaked out. She ran downstairs to her room, slammed the door, jumped in bed and started crying. I had to tell her that in fact, "I did go to those sites". It was heart-breaking to see her that way.

    The next day, she screamed at me and told me she had a "terrible day" and that it would have been better if I were looking at girls.

    At 15, she asked me, "you do like girls right?". I admit, I've dated a few girls and talked about a few girls but isn't it surmisable that by now (22 and all) that a guy as outgoing and attractive as me would have tons of girls if I were straight?

    She just won't stop talking about "when I find a wife", "when I have kids", and "when I find the right girl".

    I guess what I just don't understand is that my mom says she's very pro-gay and always has been. As a kid, she'd always talk about how gays are no different from anyone else and deserve equal rights. So why the contradiction in behavior when evidence pointed to the fact that I may be gay?
    I think it is because they want grand kids. I think you for being honest and real. Good luck kid.
    Has anyone else experienced this?
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    Jun 26, 2008 12:18 PM GMT
    I agree with italmusclebkn. You need to recognize that who you are has impact to your family as well. It's often very hard for a homosexual to understand why they are the way the are, imagine someone who is straight trying to understand it.

    Try to put yourself in your Mom's position and see it from her perspective. She sounds like a decent person who will eventually come around. If you really want her to stop making the comments you're going to need to be honest with her about your situation and be prepared to deal with her emotions. It's unfair of you to expect that she has made assumptions about you based on past events.

    I'm sure your Mom has been there for you during some rough times, try to be there for her as well. No parent wants their child to be gay because they see how hard society can be on gays. Assure her of your happiness with who you are as often as you can. That's really all parents want in the end, that their children are happy and well adjusted.

    Remember to give her time and treat her with the respect she deserves. I have coached many people through this and have found that even the staunchest conservatives can accept and love their gay children if you give them time and respect them back. You will need to be an example for them of the tolerance you want them to embody.


    Good luck!
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    Jan 01, 2014 11:20 PM GMT
    dcarm saidOthers have explained why I think she's holding a (seemingly) incompatible position on gays in general vs you in particular.

    It's because it's much easier to accept when it's someone else's son.


    Because they want granchildren
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    Jan 02, 2014 12:18 AM GMT
    OMG are you sure you are not just documenting my life right now.. lol The worst shit ever is your parents finding gay content your stuff... twice

    The only thing different in our stories is I don't think she cried but she Yelled a ton! and likely had a mental break down.. whatever!

    Also my mom is so backwards, she thinks drag queens are hilarious

    wtf
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    Jan 02, 2014 4:16 PM GMT
    2014 - This must be the year of the necro!
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    Jan 02, 2014 4:26 PM GMT
    Erik101 said2014 - This must be the year of the necro!

    Arise you all….death has NOT been defeated! Of course these threads are all being brought to life by someone that keeps deleting or hiding their own profile, that tells you something!