A poem I wrote

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    Jun 26, 2008 1:33 AM GMT
    I wasn't sure where to put this but i'd like to know what anyone, everyone thinks about it.

    Not My Problem, My Trial
    You were suppose to be my boyfriend instead you were thrown at me like a child. You said you loved me, but your actions spoke louder. The lies and pain you brought, the agony you said was in your heart. I thought we could still make it through. But I never knew where I was with you.You knew your lies would divide us, but you did it anyway. You brought me to the point where i'd rather be alone.

    I knew we where doomed from the start.
    I thought my standards and goals were too high.
    So I put them away and forgot them.
    But something had been taken, from deep inside of me.
    My wounds have become so deep, they never heal and go away.

    I start to think everything from every relationship was my fault.
    If only I could take back every bad word I said, every bad thing I did.
    If i could change I would.
    Erase every wrong they I would.
    Could it be this darkness of my past, these memories I wish I never had.
    Sometimes I think of letting go.

    Everyone i've every dated knew I was very Introverted.
    A man of few words. Was I really that unbearable to live with.
    Yet everytime I tried breaking the habit,
    Affirmations of their infidelity would cross my path.
    I wasn't going to waste myself on them.
    Another fatuous believe in Love.

    Sirius
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    Jun 26, 2008 7:52 AM GMT
    well I always have said when it comes to art it is always what the artist got out of creating the art and the journey is what is important. Not what other people think of it. So who am I to judge your art. But since you ask I will go over it like an editor for a newspaper and might be a little blunt but here it goes


    I liked the raw emotion, and I could tell there was real feelings involved but the rhythm was a little off. You stuck to a classic sense of a poem with a set rhythm and rhyming, and then you switch to like a spoken word free verse thing. I think you should pick one or the other. It makes the poem flow easier. Also in the free verse part it didn't seam to flow much at all. If you use free verse like that a set rhythm is best. What helps me on my poems is reading them out loud like your performing a reading. Its hard its hard to do without a set rhythm. . I think it might be better with some more metaphores or similes, but thats my opinion.... I like them. Also what can make a poem sound really deep and sort of pretentious at the same time ( but most poems are) is using more obscure words try using a thesaurus. They can make a poem pop sometimes

    So I hope you liked my advice. And hope I didn't belittle your art any way. And if you don't like what I say then just say "fuck him" its my art and dont change it. Those are just my opinions on how to write poems I like, but might not be what you like. Never change your art for someone else just always try to improve it to the way you want it.
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    Jun 27, 2008 11:33 AM GMT
    Like ItsMylife says, art is personal. Whatever anyone else thinks about it doesn't matter, as it's a projection of your own perception.

    However, since I write poetry myself (hehe) I shall give my own thoughts on the structure itself. As ItsMyLife pointed out, it's a bad thing to mix free verse (or poetic prose) with metered lines.

    As for metered lines, It's good practice to count the number of syllables. Yeah, I know, it's tedious, but it creates the necessary rhythm for it to flow easier. For example, in some of my poems I never let a single line go below or above 7-8 syllables. You can experiment with this. For example you can mix in longer lines and short lines in a definite pattern.

    Although rhyme is seldom a necessity, it does make the words flow much easier.

    Anyway, those are my thoughts heh. The poem itself is filled with raw emotion and I like that. Poems that come form the heart are the best ones.
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    Jun 27, 2008 8:04 PM GMT
    ItsMyLife saidwell I always have said when it comes to art it is always what the artist got out of creating the art and the journey is what is important. Not what other people think of it. So who am I to judge your art. But since you ask I will go over it like an editor for a newspaper and might be a little blunt but here it goes


    I liked the raw emotion, and I could tell there was real feelings involved but the rhythm was a little off. You stuck to a classic sense of a poem with a set rhythm and rhyming, and then you switch to like a spoken word free verse thing. I think you should pick one or the other. It makes the poem flow easier. Also in the free verse part it didn't seam to flow much at all. If you use free verse like that a set rhythm is best. What helps me on my poems is reading them out loud like your performing a reading. Its hard its hard to do without a set rhythm. . I think it might be better with some more metaphores or similes, but thats my opinion.... I like them. Also what can make a poem sound really deep and sort of pretentious at the same time ( but most poems are) is using more obscure words try using a thesaurus. They can make a poem pop sometimes

    So I hope you liked my advice. And hope I didn't belittle your art any way. And if you don't like what I say then just say "fuck him" its my art and dont change it. Those are just my opinions on how to write poems I like, but might not be what you like. Never change your art for someone else just always try to improve it to the way you want it.


    Trust me I wouldn't ask for advice if I didn't want it though I do appreciate both of your advice. I thought the poem was missing something and wasn't sure what it was; but you're right I sorta wasn't sure if I should make the entire thing rhyming or just keep it in free verse form. Though i do love free verse I feel it lets the artist live more in his work. I never read my work out loud but it is a great idea. Sadly I don't like the thesaurus but I live in the dictionary but this isn't one of my better poems.
    I'll add some more poetry and hopefully they will be better in formicon_biggrin.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 27, 2008 9:05 PM GMT
    Well there Paradigm......

    I thought your efforts were very interesting... I can see you put a great deal of thought into how you were feeling... while I think its sad you have had such
    experiences at your age, I think its great you can express how you feel and thats commendable.. for several reasons.. one that you can write down how you feel and two, that you are taking the trouble to do so.

    What I'd like to see is another poem written about how these experiences have taught you what is important in a relationship and how you will change your approach with another bf. I appeciate your sharing all this with us.
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    Jun 27, 2008 9:06 PM GMT
    Paradigm, THANK YOU for sharing your emotions and believing you feel comfortable to share with us!! THANKS AGAIN!!!
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    Jul 01, 2008 1:40 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidWell there Paradigm......

    I thought your efforts were very interesting... I can see you put a great deal of thought into how you were feeling... while I think its sad you have had such
    experiences at your age, I think its great you can express how you feel and thats commendable.. for several reasons.. one that you can write down how you feel and two, that you are taking the trouble to do so.

    What I'd like to see is another poem written about how these experiences have taught you what is important in a relationship and how you will change your approach with another bf. I appeciate your sharing all this with us.


    Thank you HndsmKansan. Yes though sometimes I feel maybe my constant and seemingly never ending cognitive thinking doesn't always do me justice but alas hopefully it has made me that much stronger.

    I appreciate all of your replies thanks icon_smile.gif