Post-Break Up Dating

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    Jun 26, 2008 4:12 AM GMT
    So my relationship ended last night. It was a mutual break up. I won't get into the reasons, but the weird thing is that the news seems to have spread like wildfire today.

    I have been offered four dates this week from four different people and there's four other guys asking me for dates for next week. I feel so weird, because I honestly have never been in this situation. For the past three years since my first breakup I was majorly struggling to find even ONE date every OTHER week (usually it was barely a date a month). Now I feel like I'm being jumped.

    I also don't know if there's an "etiquette" that I need to follow. I don't know it might seem too soon for me start dating considering the breakup was last night, and SPECIALLY going on so many dates with so many different people. But I also think I may never get this lucky again.

    Should I go for it? Should I go on all these dates? All the guys are really cute too and have great personalities. Some of them I've known for some time and have expressed interest in me while I was in my last relationship (which made no difference to me because when I'm with someone, that person becomes my world. I was flattered, but ultimately uninterested).

    Suggestions?

    I feel so loved, LOL icon_eek.gif.
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    Jun 26, 2008 8:18 AM GMT
    A good guide as to your "readiness":

    honestly now... can you go on a date and NOT talk about your breakup/last relationship? (If the answer is no, stick to your friends.)

    Be good to yourself.

    PM8
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    Jun 26, 2008 12:11 PM GMT
    And be careful that these guys are looking to just score with a wounded divorcee. This happened to me after my last relationship ended. Several guys I'd met during that relationship suddenly decided they wanted a date or what have you. I went on a couple of these dates...only to discover they had other intentions. Blah.
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    Jun 26, 2008 12:41 PM GMT
    well, there's no special mathematical equation to how long you wait after a break up to start dating again. how long was your relationship? if it was a long time (2+ years), give yourself some time. if it was a few months, maybe waiting isn't necessary. bottom line, you are the only one who will really know when it's time for yourself to be back on the market.

    as for those that wanted to "get with you" while you were in a relationship - do we really have to tell you about these types of guys - avoid them.

    and don't worry about the knocks on the door... they will always be there!
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    Jun 26, 2008 1:52 PM GMT
    Okay so to specify a little more: yeah, I can go on a date without talking about my breakup. I haven't really talked about it all unless I'm directly asked about it (to which I always take the high road and just answer: "we were just not right for each other"). The breakup was on Tuesday but he basically spent nearly two weeks ignoring and avoiding me, so I got over it before the break up itself. The breakup wasn't sudden, it was just an inevitability because of the problems.

    And the other thing is I know that majority of these guys are great people. Sure, they have their moments like everyone else, but I've known some of them for some time. Most of them I met a while back and did want to go on dates with but things got in the way (for example, one of them is a great person and we were going to go on a few dates but he got deployed for military duty, etc). The thing is they continued to express interest in me even while I was with someone, though not in a disrespectful way (just honest interest).

    I've actually kept in touch with most of them and even fostered friendships wherever I could because they're the type of people I definitely want to be a part of my life (and even though I'm open to letting everyone into my life, actually making them a part of it is something I'm immensely picky about).

    So that's my dilema here: it's just not just eight random guys, it's some that I know are really great people.
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    Jun 26, 2008 1:59 PM GMT
    Must be nice to be so popular! Congrats, guys must find you approachable and sexy. Good attributes to have if you want a LTR.

    As for dating right away, first question I would have is do you want to get into another LTR right away? It is not fair to the other guys if your heart is not in it. Some guys need to take a break after a relationship ends to get their heads in the right space again. If you are ready, willing and eager then go for it! You probably have a good idea which guy you want to start out with, if not then go for coffee with each one just to talk. No commitments, no expectations on a LTR, just getting to know each other.
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    Jun 26, 2008 2:11 PM GMT
    I think its a little soon or maybe you don't have feelings?
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    Jun 26, 2008 2:42 PM GMT
    I have been in the same boat. I have been surprised at how casual things have been. After being in a LTR for 9 years, I expect everyone to be centered around partnering. and most guys just want to hang out, get to know you. Don't feel rushed to develop feelings. Have a good time. And I say bull shit to not talking about your break up, especially if it is fresh. I have mentioned it on dates and the guys have either been through the same thing and have wanted to share their experience or they were understanding and did not get put out by it. Frankly, you have a chance to be the person you are and if it is something you are going through, why hide it. That said, don't let it monopolize your interactions.
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    Jun 26, 2008 2:59 PM GMT
    Thats the thing, they know you already and thats why you are so appealing. They have mostlikely wanted to date you for sometime, but you've been chained down. Plus, they have seen that you can commit to something longer than a striptease and primal grunting. You can get in to a fix if these are guys you and your ex knows together. Choosing sides and all that BS.

    You are single. You can do what you want. I woudln't do anything to hurt your ex though. Feelings can still be hurt even after the break up. Other than that HAVE FUN!!!!Safely though.
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    Jun 26, 2008 3:04 PM GMT
    JBE60 saidMust be nice to be so popular! Congrats, guys must find you approachable and sexy. Good attributes to have if you want a LTR.

    As for dating right away, first question I would have is do you want to get into another LTR right away? It is not fair to the other guys if your heart is not in it. Some guys need to take a break after a relationship ends to get their heads in the right space again. If you are ready, willing and eager then go for it! You probably have a good idea which guy you want to start out with, if not then go for coffee with each one just to talk. No commitments, no expectations on a LTR, just getting to know each other.


    I honestly wish I knew the reason they're all after me. I have confidence in myself, but I also see myself as just a regular person. The attention is both flattering and a bit confusing to me. Not used to it.

    And I've told them all that there are no expectations because I just got out of a relationship. They said it was fine. Basically we're doing exactly what you said: just getting to know each other (more, because I know them already, but I guess as far as the dating portion of their lives go).

    TD: It's not that I have no feelings. I really, really cared about him and still do, just not the same way. It was a very, very toxic relationship. I held on because I hate giving up on people and I had hoped things would eventually just work out, which as most people know they hardly ever seem to. So I care about him, love him even, just not the same way anymore after everything I've been put through and the immense problems we had during the relationship. As I said, it was a mutual breakup: both of us just realized we had to let go (a bit later than we should have).

    DJBens: I agree. If I wanted to talk about the breakup, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But I sort don't see the need. Again, after being ignored for two weeks I sort of just made peace with the idea of letting him go. I was the one who basically broke it off, but it was "mutual" because he agreed that we were better off as friends. In previous relationships letting someone go has been a major problem for me, but this time I just knew it was the right thing to do.
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    Jun 26, 2008 3:23 PM GMT
    Maybe it's all just the timing of it? Coincidental?
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    Jun 26, 2008 3:26 PM GMT
    I think it's the timming too. I think they were just sort of waiting for the right time and right now it seems like it because I'm single and their all single too.
  • UncleverName

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    Jun 26, 2008 3:47 PM GMT
    Hey Kharlo

    Sorry to hear about the breakup. And congrats on all of the attention. You deserve it.

    Personally, myself, I'd just take it easy and date these guys for awhile. With 8 of them, it's not like you have to make your mind up right away. I'd be clear with all of them that you want to see how it goes, and that you're seeing other guys. Tell them not to get too attached right now, because you're just having fun and trying to enjoy yourself. When/if you feel like moving into something more permanent with one of them, go for it.
    Of course, one of them might want more sooner than you. Then you'll have to make a choice then too.

    For now, take it easy, enjoy yourself, and enjoy the flattery of having 8 guys want you icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 26, 2008 3:50 PM GMT
    Hopefully a few of them simultaneously....icon_twisted.gif
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    Jun 26, 2008 3:59 PM GMT
    "When it rains it pours." I know for myself, after a breakup, I try to stay away from the dating scene for a while. It gives me a chance to collect my thoughts and be with the person that matters most, myself. If you JUST broke up last night (Wednesday) and guys are already asking you out on "dates," they more than likely want what's in your pants as opposed to what's between your ears. Those guys who want to get to know you for the person you are will give you space.
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    Jun 26, 2008 4:29 PM GMT
    Depends on what YOU want! If you're ready, well hell go for it! If all you want is the "hook up", then go for it! However if you feel like you're not ready to give that kind of attention to someone else, then don't. Just be with yourself and enjoy!
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    Jun 28, 2008 3:12 AM GMT
    And the plot thickens!

    Today the ex boyfriend called me despite us avoiding each other since the break up on Tuesday (okay, I was avoiding him because I just didn't think it was the right time to see him). He asked me what I was doing today. The conversation went something like this:

    Him: "Hey, how are ya?"
    Me: "I'm excellent. How are you?"
    Him: "Good. What are you doing today?"
    Me: "I have to hit the gym and then I have plans tonight."
    Him: "What are your plans tonight?"
    Me: "I'm having coffee with someone" (which was the truth, except I didn't wanna' use the word 'date' because I didn't just wanna' toss it in his face and make it seem like I was doing it to hurt him, you know?)
    Him: "Oh so there's a new boy?" (His tone changed completely)
    Me: "No...but it's a date."
    Him: (Mad) "Well you moved on pretty quickly!"
    Me: "It was a mutual break up"
    Him: "Yeah...I guess it was...I have to go, I have a call" (he's a police officer) *CLICK*

    I called him later. I asked him if he wanted to hang out and see Wall-E tomorrow (it's not like I hate him). He said he couldn't see me. He said hearing I was going on a date really hurt him and he felt too upset, sad, and jealous to see me. He said he couldn't deal with seeing me and knowning I had gone on a date. He said he wasn't angry (and I could tell he wasn't), and that he wished me the best, BUT he couldn't help how felt.

    So I ended cancelling on my date (it wasn't so bad because he himself hadn't confirmed yet and he said he wasn't completely sure we'd be able to hang out today). The ex came over and we had a really serious, really powerful talk about everything. For the first time he was actually truly open and vunerable, which I give him credit for. It's not an easy thing to do.

    He confessed to a lot of things. Not negative things, good things, but...

    *Sigh*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 28, 2008 4:10 PM GMT
    Sorry but from reading your post, it seems like you are not totally ready to move on either...
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    Jul 05, 2009 8:28 PM GMT
    BOLD TEXT GOES HERECOLORED TEXT GOES HERERESIZED TEXT GOES HERE

    Well I can say. go ahead and date all of them it cannot hurt you, if anything you can become aware of what others have to offer. However, make sure you are not doing this to avoid any pain you may be feeling from your break up. A lot of individuals tend to not know how to deal nor express their feelings towards a break up, which can drastically harm any future relationships. As other posters mentioned, its all about "READINESS" make sure your just looking to date and have fun, and not get into another LTR so soon, Personally,
    I do not appreciate men who do not respect one's relationship, that their is the 1st sing of lack of respect. Ultimately, only you will know if your ready, in my eyes people whom claim to be deeply in love with a person and who right away start dating are very questionable about what LOVE is to them? and about being able to be INDEPENDENT and ALONE.....just something to ponder.icon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_question.gificon_cool.gif
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    Jul 05, 2009 8:55 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidAnd be careful that these guys are looking to just score with a wounded divorcee. This happened to me after my last relationship ended. Several guys I'd met during that relationship suddenly decided they wanted a date or what have you. I went on a couple of these dates...only to discover they had other intentions. Blah.

    Good advice! Indeed, I even ran into a gay predator who was trying to speed-up the process.

    He spoke to me at a gay club, telling me how awful I looked, all the weight I had lost, since beginning to date this other guy for the last 6 months. I tried to tell him I had actually recently gained weight I was trying to lose, but he insisted I was wrong. He strongly recommended I drop my BF, for the sake of my health.

    On the way home that night in the car, my BF and I compared our separate experiences at the club that night. And this guy had said the same thing to my BF that he'd said to me! We laughed hysterically in the car. Did he not think we discussed things? And we agreed it was my BF he was after, which he never got, even to this day.

    There is no honor among thieves, nor among gay players. There's even a movie related to this topic, involving predatory men who seek out new singles, called "Send Me No Flowers" with Rock Hudson, though the premise is straight. Our friend is prime meat right now, so he needs to beware.