A Big Fight With My Partner Today -- When It Happens To You, How Do You Handle It?

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    Jan 28, 2012 9:24 PM GMT
    Fights happen between partners. I'm trying to remember what this one was about, but honestly I can't. He slammed the bedroom door to me. When we had first gotten together almost 5 years ago I would post here that our relationship was over when these things happened. I would go outside and sit on a bench by the river and cry. Now I know better.

    So today I opened our bedroom door and gave him a hug, and reminded him that I love him more than anyone else on Earth. We went back and forth for a moment or two about the things that had upset him. I apologized if I had been in the wrong.

    I again told him that he means more to me than anyone, and I simply will not have us closing doors to each other. And that is the truth. I just won't allow that anymore.

    Now it's all over. We're going out to dinner with friends tonight, we just made the plans as I was about to sit down here.

    So how do you resolve these flareups when they happen? Or do you never have them?
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    Jan 28, 2012 10:55 PM GMT
    When you look back at these fights, are they about the same issues? I'm glad to see that you discussed it and made up. Frankly, I would have been afraid to open the door. Here's a long story for you:

    My partner and I haven't had a big argument for over a year now. We have disagreements and minor arguments, but not really fighting. We've both made an effort to step away from each other when angry, and I learned sometimes it's better to just trust him. I can say with certainty, if we had no children, we would not be together still.

    After we had been living together for about a year, we had these long and loud shouting matches where we would try to hurt each other as much as possible, a couple of times I think he came close to physically hitting me. So then we started fighting with doors between us. Then, he or I would leave and not return for some time. We wouldn't speak or sleep together for the next few weeks. It would be the same issues, nothing ever got resolved.

    It was terrible. We were exhausted, overworked, stressed, and overstretched. We had made it through hourly feedings, and a baby wailing at all hours of the night, and diaper changes, and little sleep, and another child who probably felt a bit neglected. I had thought that if we loved each other, if we were happy, if we were devoted, it would be enough, but it wasn't. Sometimes, it was so much effort to just get out of bed. I don't think I liked myself or him very much those day. We haven't been together for very long, and who knows, but I think we are getting better.
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    Jan 28, 2012 11:10 PM GMT
    In our relationship:

    Rule #1: Nobody leaves the house until the argument is resolved, or at least a truce is called. We may go to separate ends of the house to cool off, but neither of us will physically leave, not even for a walk.

    Rule #1a: Do NOT hang up the phone on me. That is my #1 pet peeve, and will only serve to instantly shut down whatever argument you're trying to make with me. I give him the same courtesy.

    Rule #2: No name calling. No matter how big of a douchebag I'm being, I'm never called a douchebag. Same for him. Name calling is nothing but mean and only breeds resentment.

    After 12+ years together, I can honestly say that 99.9% of our arguments are caused by things outside of our relationship. We're both genuinely good people who would never, ever try to intentionally hurt the other person. It's the honest-to-God truth. Usually our arguments are sparked by irritation due to lack of money, horrible coworkers, etc, not because one of us has done something intentionally malicious. It's not right, but we both know it's safe to lurch out at one another, and it will all turn out OK in the end.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 28, 2012 11:30 PM GMT
    Hey Bob, sorry to hear about the fight. Hope all can be worked out soon....

    My partner and I rarely really "fight". We have disagreements, certainly, but I would say, serious "fight" type disagreements can be counted on both hands since we started seeing each other 13 years ago.

    A couple of things:

    1. Always be flexible enough to communicate.

    2. Is your position in the argument really worth ruining or damaging your relationship?

    3. Think and express and be reasonable.... name calling should be out.

    I'm no expert, but I really dislike arguing. I hope you can work it out quickly!
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Jan 28, 2012 11:36 PM GMT
    Art_Deco saidFights happen between partners. I'm trying to remember what this one was about, but honestly I can't. He slammed the bedroom door to me. When we had first gotten together almost 5 years ago I would post here that our relationship was over when these things happened. I would go outside and sit on a bench by the river and cry. Now I know better.

    So today I opened our bedroom door and gave him a hug, and reminded him that I love him more than anyone else on Earth. We went back and forth for a moment or two about the things that had upset him. I apologized if I had been in the wrong.

    I again told him that he means more to me than anyone, and I simply will not have us closing doors to each other. And that is the truth. I just won't allow that anymore.

    Now it's all over. We're going out to dinner with friends tonight, we just made the plans as I was about to sit down here.

    So how do you resolve these flareups when they happen? Or do you never have them?


    Congratulations, now you sounds like any married for years couple to me, straight or gay icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 28, 2012 11:43 PM GMT
    My ex and I loved each other, but he was SO dramatic. When we'd have a little fight, the next morning he would whisper in my ear, "Can I cuddle with you?" like a little boy, and everything would be alright again. When we'd have a BIG fight, he'd give me a few days and then somehow find me and say something like, "I don't accept us not talking to each other." And I couldn't really be upset, b/c his Will was so strong, even when I thought we were completely over, he'd find a way to make us stay together. So I guess my long answer is that it really helps if one of you is brave enough to always make sure you don't let go.
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    Jan 29, 2012 1:03 AM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear of your troubles.
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    Jan 29, 2012 1:13 AM GMT
    southbeach1500 said
    Art_Deco saidFights happen between partners. I'm trying to remember what this one was about, but honestly I can't. He slammed the bedroom door to me. When we had first gotten together almost 5 years ago I would post here that our relationship was over when these things happened. I would go outside and sit on a bench by the river and cry. Now I know better.

    So today I opened our bedroom door and gave him a hug, and reminded him that I love him more than anyone else on Earth. We went back and forth for a moment or two about the things that had upset him. I apologized if I had been in the wrong.

    I again told him that he means more to me than anyone, and I simply will not have us closing doors to each other. And that is the truth. I just won't allow that anymore.

    Now it's all over. We're going out to dinner with friends tonight, we just made the plans as I was about to sit down here.

    So how do you resolve these flareups when they happen? Or do you never have them?



    Quite honestly, we never fight, as at the first sign of disagreement, we discuss the matter.

    Perhaps your partner was upset that you had been making wild accusations about RJ members claiming they were stalking you.

    Are you plotting any revenge, as you usually do in these cases?


    Hopefully you say this "tongue in cheek "...otherwise, uncalled for, tacky and classless comment. No body's relationship should be disrespected over whatever petty commentary may have occurred in the past. Relationships are among the most difficult achievement for humans, especially among gay men, when so much in society says gays shouldn't be allowed to have recognized relationships. I am pleased to hear positive and honest efforts at gay relationships.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 29, 2012 1:33 AM GMT
    southbeach1500 said
    Sporty_g said
    southbeach1500 said

    Quite honestly, we never fight, as at the first sign of disagreement, we discuss the matter.

    Perhaps your partner was upset that you had been making wild accusations about RJ members claiming they were stalking you.

    Are you plotting any revenge, as you usually do in these cases?


    Hopefully you say this "tongue in cheek "...otherwise, uncalled for, tacky and classless comment.


    Not at all a joke - Colonel Deco has posted on here several times how, after having a fight with his partner, he has plotted revenge. Yeah, it's unbelievable, but it's true.



    Come on SB, I wouldn't take it seriously unless someone plots to burn you at the stake for some political comment. Then I'd say, we have a problem.
    icon_eek.gif
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    Jan 29, 2012 2:15 AM GMT
    In the beginning, we had some doozies (sp?). lol However, it has been a number of years since we had a really big fight or major argument. After almost 20 years, I would hope that we would be past the major ones.

    After some major health issues and such, we learned not to take one another for granted but to cherish every day that we have left together.

    We still have some very minor disagreements, but he's usually quick to acquiesce. icon_biggrin.gif

    Even the minor disagreements are now rare. After so much time together, we just sort of fell into (or worked into) a type of situation where we know one another so well that we know how the other will react to almost anything. So, it's a nice type of peacefulness and contentment that I believe all relationships should be able to get to.... where you are in one accord.
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    Jan 29, 2012 4:39 AM GMT
    No arguments and rarely ever do we have a disagreement. We just are lucky I guess. Together we just decide any issue or question that comes up.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Jan 29, 2012 5:06 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidHey Bob, sorry to hear about the fight.



    I'm sorry to hear about it as well...and I will be even sorrier if I have to hear about the makeup sex too icon_lol.gif
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Jan 29, 2012 5:09 AM GMT
    When I am in an actual fight based on serious relationship issues I usually argue and get mad, but then later cool off and write him an e-mail explaining in detail my feelings. I find putting it in writing and re-reading it lets me see what points are valid and which are ridiculous. Also sometimes I might post the issue on a place like this forum and get outside objective feedback before hitting send.

    But in day to day life I am a person who loves to argue, I am always honest about that with people pretty early on. It's part having parents who argue about the little things, having both my brother and I on debate teams growing up and the fact that I grew up in a small town with ignorant people and then later on got into activism in college. It is second nature to me and I don't think I'd totally respect a partner who can't defend his position in an argument.
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    Jan 29, 2012 3:05 PM GMT
    Bill and I have had a few arguments over the years. They've always died a quick death because seeing each other unhappy or distressed is far more painful than being misunderstood or feeling slighted. I think the trick is we BOTH feel this way and act on it.

    Conflict resolution and the how and when of it is pretty unique to each couple, I think.

    -Doug
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    Jan 29, 2012 3:45 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ said
    HndsmKansan saidHey Bob, sorry to hear about the fight.



    I'm sorry to hear about it as well...and I will be even sorrier if I have to hear about the makeup sex too icon_lol.gif


    =========================

    LOFL


    thanks for that Sunday morning laugh! icon_smile.gif

  • Jan 31, 2012 7:09 AM GMT
    Its all about communication

    my ex and i..we hardly fought but when we did, they werent pretty and mainly because we are so different. He would like to just sweap it under the rug and forget about it and i'm the type to "Lets talk about it all night if we have to, just to resolve it". Its probably the main reason we didnt work out - because we couldnt communicate effectively together
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Jan 31, 2012 7:18 AM GMT
    Thanks Art_Deco. You've made we think again about why we so seldom fight. I think it's because, with 16 years together, we've learned each other's hot buttons, so when something comes up we aren't happy about, we know how to broach the topic in a way that the other person can listen to openly without feeling attacked and going on the defense. That's not to say we haven't had one or two major disagreements over the years.
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    Jan 31, 2012 7:45 AM GMT
    I'm glad this is being discussed because at times people look to other "perfect" couples and wonder what is wrong with their relationship because they don't have the story-book life.

    One of my pet peeves on RJ has been threads that go like this:
    OP: So I've been dating this guy for a while and yesterday I texted him and for 5 minutes he didn't text me back!
    What should I do?

    Reply: Kick him to the curb and find someone who cares about you.

    OK, perhaps I'm exaggerating a bit (it was 10 minutes?), but you get the drift. At the first sign of trouble, people recommend a split. What people don't seem willing to take the time to learn is how to get through the bumps in the road. How to, as Doug said, resolve conflicts.

    (Don't get me wrong. There are certainly situations that are the other extreme, to the tune of "my partner has been abusing me for years but I really love him, should I give him another chance...?", situations where couples should break up.)

    Matt and I have had our share of fights over 16 years. That we live and work together can pile up the stress. We probably were the "perfect couple" the first 2 years (who remembers anymore? (: ), but we're both strong-willed and unlikely to step back even when we should. In a way we actually like that about each other (if we were constantly being squishy and giving ground that wouldn't be very appealing).

    It is important to process and talk through things, but I'll agree with phoenixsuns' ex that there is also a point of diminishing returns. (:
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    Jan 31, 2012 1:33 PM GMT
    Oh I hate fighting! I think I'm quite like you, I used to think one huge argument meant it was all over, but I'm a little better now, and we rarely have big fights.

    I hate the not speaking to each other thing, and usually try to resolve things asap, though my partner is way more firey than I am and he usually needs a bit of time and space to cool off.

    We rarely stay mad at each other for longer than an hour absolute maximum though, and after the initial argument we can usually talk rationally and reach a compromise about whatever has caused it.

    I also really enjoy the make-up sex icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 31, 2012 1:35 PM GMT
    meninlove said Bill and I have had a few arguments over the years. They've always died a quick death because seeing each other unhappy or distressed is far more painful than being misunderstood or feeling slighted. I think the trick is we BOTH feel this way and act on it.

    Conflict resolution and the how and when of it is pretty unique to each couple, I think.

    -Doug


    Oh you have definitely hit the nail on the head with this one! Although initially after a fight I might be thinking, Grrrrrr he's so annoying, fine if he's going to act like a dick he can piss off, etc etc, in a very short space of time I'm like, "I don't want him to be mad with me, I miss him!"

    Bit of a soppy twat underneath it all I guess.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Jan 31, 2012 2:05 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan said
    southbeach1500 said
    Sporty_g said
    southbeach1500 said

    Quite honestly, we never fight, as at the first sign of disagreement, we discuss the matter.

    Perhaps your partner was upset that you had been making wild accusations about RJ members claiming they were stalking you.

    Are you plotting any revenge, as you usually do in these cases?


    Hopefully you say this "tongue in cheek "...otherwise, uncalled for, tacky and classless comment.


    Not at all a joke - Colonel Deco has posted on here several times how, after having a fight with his partner, he has plotted revenge. Yeah, it's unbelievable, but it's true.



    Come on SB, I wouldn't take it seriously unless someone plots to burn you at the stake for some political comment. Then I'd say, we have a problem.
    icon_eek.gif


    Yeah, it's not like your Obama, with crazzyass republican politicians outspokenly praying for your demise.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2012 2:09 PM GMT
    Walk away, cool off, come back and try to reconcile and then comes the sex.
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    Jan 31, 2012 3:22 PM GMT
    PaulNKS saidIn the beginning, we had some doozies (sp?). lol However, it has been a number of years since we had a really big fight or major argument. After almost 20 years, I would hope that we would be past the major ones.

    After some major health issues and such, we learned not to take one another for granted but to cherish every day that we have left together.

    We still have some very minor disagreements, but he's usually quick to acquiesce. icon_biggrin.gif

    Even the minor disagreements are now rare. After so much time together, we just sort of fell into (or worked into) a type of situation where we know one another so well that we know how the other will react to almost anything. So, it's a nice type of peacefulness and contentment that I believe all relationships should be able to get to.... where you are in one accord.


    Same here in our 25+ years.. We still disagree or piss each other off at times but the arguing and fightings pretty much gone.. it really is "like whatever" and we move on. There's no point in us fighting anymore, I'm not gonna change his mind and he's not gonna change mine. It's been proven time and time again.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jan 31, 2012 3:28 PM GMT
    I have stopped being an ass to my partner, I take it out on people I don't love.
    Life can get stressful, we have opposite schedules and so a lot of the time one of us is left to deal with all the house, or pet issues.
    I just try to be as supportive as possible. We always do a night of climbing and usually a date night for dinner.
    We have had some knock down drag out fights over the dumbest of things, really dumb, but we solved it and moved on.
    I hope that everyone else can.
    But...don't just become a victim.
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    Jan 31, 2012 4:01 PM GMT
    Frankly that's fucking brilliant Art and I really admire you. When we get pissy I know I have to give him some space, he needs to just not deal with the issue we both created by arguing. I let time pass and then we start over.

    I like your hug idea a lot better. I wills steal it and give you no credit and pretend like I am the most amazing boyfriend ever.