Suck at Being Outgoing

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    Jan 29, 2012 5:58 AM GMT
    Hi Guys!

    I'm 20 and I've never had a boyfriend so I'm very inexperienced with dating. When guys find out I've never dated they're shocked and creeped out. Usually when I get a date with a guy they never ask me to go on a second one. There was this one guy I met through school who is absolutely 100% my dream guy. We met at his apartment and we talked. Our second date was going to a school play, dinner, walking around the mall. Third date was a movie. I feel like he's tired of waiting for me to liven up and come out of my shell. I'm an introvert and I just doesn't feel natural for me to be super animated. I tried so hard during the dates to be more energetic but it's just not me. I really like him and I'm sure that he's lost interest. We've had sex twice. I haven't seen him since November. I text him to see what happened and he said he likes me but just wanted to be friends. I told him that we had sex... And he said it complicated things. I told him I wanted to see him again soon and he agreed...that was last week. I haven't heard from him since.

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    Jan 29, 2012 6:21 AM GMT
    Oh My Deity...You're 20. Stopping sweating it. You have the whole rest of your life to date.

    Here's a couple of free facts:
    Sex is not romance. Sex is not love. Sex is sex. You had sex. So what. You did NOT have a long term relationship. Welcome to Gay America.

    His silence is telling you he's not interested, because he is too much of a coward, or lacks the communications skills, to tell you directly. Take the hint. On to the next guy.

    time.com has a great article in its most recent issue about being introverted. http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2105435,00.html

    There isn't a thing wrong with being introverted unless it's crippling. Learn to like yourself, and the rest will come.

    Much of the current youthful generation has never developed good one to one, in person, communications skills because they've had the middleware layer of the Internet or SMS. They simply don't have the skills to communicate effectively in person. In Gay America, it's even worse, because many gays go way far beyond rude. They form a detachment that's hurtful, or they dump without any level of sensitivity to the other person understanding their wishes.
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    Jan 29, 2012 6:25 AM GMT
    Join the club.

    I've never had a relationshop with a guy, so you're not alone.

    I've only had two encounters with men and that was it. (They couldn't stay hard enough to fuck, so count yourself lucky on that)
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    Jan 29, 2012 6:27 AM GMT
    You'll both get your chances to get your prostate banged on. Just be patient. When it happens, it happens.
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    Jan 29, 2012 6:28 AM GMT
    chuckystud saidYou'll both get your chances to get your prostate banged on. Just be patient. When it happens, it happens.

    Depends if the guy stays hard enough to even get his dick in there.
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    Jan 29, 2012 6:31 AM GMT
    Sweetie, honey, sugar plum....it's your job to make sure it's hard. LOL.

    Seriously, sexual anxiety happens to just about everyone at one time or another. Nothing like putting a condom on and wilting.
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    Jan 29, 2012 6:35 AM GMT
    chuckystud saidSweetie, honey, sugar plum....it's your job to make sure it's hard. LOL.

    Seriously, sexual anxiety happens to just about everyone at one time or another. Nothing like putting a condom on and wilting.

    Sweetie, honey, sugar plum, I think you've forgotten to take your estrogen blockers icon_razz.gif
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    Jan 29, 2012 6:37 AM GMT
    Just jerking your gay chain.
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    Jan 29, 2012 5:34 PM GMT
    Be hot, rich and slutty.

    The guys will FLOCK to you.
  • mindandmuscle

    Posts: 44

    Jan 29, 2012 5:48 PM GMT
    Keep on being yourself, and try not to be too anxious. There are good men out there who appreciate your type. I'm sure once someone gets to really know you, he will find it well worth the wait.
  • Wowzers2010

    Posts: 3

    Jan 29, 2012 6:01 PM GMT
    @ Caius & WaMu

    Both things happen, both for multiple reasons, and until you find someone to stick around it's something you have to deal with...

    I've had a 3.5 hour breakfast date which I couldn't even get a return text on. I've had a 36 hour first date which turned into a year relationship. I've had the same guy make and reschedule 3 dates in a row (fri, sat, then sun). I've been friended many times by great people, including my best friend. I've tried dating a 28yr old for 4 months only to discover that he had a 19yr old living with him. I've fallen in love with who I thought was going to be the one, who then completely and utterly devastated me.

    The question is why do it? Why go through all the hassle and the pain?

    "for all the days that come before it hurts..."
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    Jan 29, 2012 11:08 PM GMT
    Don't worry about it, I'm right there with you, I'm almost 21 and I've never had a boyfriend either. They guys I have really liked always end up being horrible at keeping in touch so I never heard from them unless I started the conversation. But from your pic, you seem pretty cute, you'll find someone eventually!
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Jan 29, 2012 11:27 PM GMT
    Hey, OP, you are a very attractive guy, give it some time. It takes a while to learn how to date, and what to do. I still feel that I am a newbie at it.

    You should put in your profiles if you have them online, that you are just starting out dating, and that you are very shy and take some time to come out of your shell. Don't be afraid to let people know these things, then they will be a bit more understanding.

    One thing that might be difficult for shy guys to do is let your date know that you are interested in them. Just jumping in bed is not enough. You need to follow up the next day or later that night with a txt or call telling them how much you liked the time you had together. Tell them they are sexy. When you are with them, make sure you hug, and hold hands and cuddle. Don't forget to kiss icon_smile.gif It's the physical demonstrations of affection that get through to guys.

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    Jan 29, 2012 11:38 PM GMT
    Caius said[...] I'm an introvert and I just doesn't feel natural for me to be super animated. I tried so hard during the dates to be more energetic but it's just not me. I really like him and I'm sure that he's lost interest.[...] he said he likes me but just wanted to be friends. I told him that we had sex... And he said it complicated things. I told him I wanted to see him again soon and he agreed...that was last week. I haven't heard from him since.


    OK, you're an introvert. Good. BE YOURSELF. Trying to be someone you aren't will likely show you to be falsifying your persona, in short- a turn off.
    The right guys, the kind that are looking for your type and you for theirs, will make for awesome times. Also, you won't waste your time trying to be something you're not. You have life to live, not time to waste.
    Making real friends is great. If that guy was really interested in being your friend it would have happened. One of the things I really dislike is someone who talks about being friends but in reality it's empty talk. Great sex is awesome, but lots of guys tend to be turned off by hearing they want more.
    "A true friend warms you with his presence, trusts you with his secrets, remembers you in his prayers." -unknown source
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    Jan 29, 2012 11:51 PM GMT
    Just learn to smile and enjoy yourself. Don't go into anything with too high expectations and you might find you are having fun. The "outgoing" part takes care of itself after that.

    I imagine your friends think you sell yourself short, don't be so hard on yourself.
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    Jan 30, 2012 12:13 AM GMT
    Shyness and introversion are two separate but often related conditions. See Jonathan Rauch's famous 2003 article in The Atlantic Monthly:

    [url]http://www.jonathanrauch.com/jrauch_articles/caring_for_your_introvert/[/url]
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    Jan 30, 2012 12:26 AM GMT
    I think there a lot of 20 something gay guys who've never had a BF before- and I'm going on 26 now icon_redface.gif Even some thirty and above too haven't yet had a first BF so don't feel too bad.

    The thing is to keep meeting people. Create a profile on a couple dating sites, go to a "social place on a regular basis to build up your conversational skills, setup casual coffee dates, etc... If they don't call or want a second date just move on to someone else like another poster said- plenty of fish out there, even in the gay dating world.

    You'll find overtime that you'll become better at not only being more outgoing with people but also becoming better at dating. You can only get more experience with more experience. It's like going on job interviews- the more you go on the better you become at them.

    I'm was a classic case introvert yet was able to become more outgoing by actively practicing becoming more extroverted once I realize my not talking enough on dates lead guys to believe I wasn't interested in them. Now I'm comfortably becoming more extroverted as I meet more people, it's interesting speaking with shy introverts as I'm the one fueling the conversation; something that would've never happened a couple years back. Granted I don't have a BF yet but neither do a lot of great extroverted guys who you'd think would have guys flinging themselves at them.

    It's interesting what a few small changes can make in terms of social skills.

    PeteParkr said relationships in my experiences come when you arent looking for it.


    True a lot of the time, interesting how it happens like that.
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    Jan 30, 2012 12:28 AM GMT
    Damien: Oh yea, youll get socialized alright, a little slice like you
    Cady: what?
    Janis: icon_rolleyes.gif youre a regulation hottie
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    Jan 30, 2012 5:21 AM GMT
    Thanks for the advice. I'm going to try and chill out and stop worrying. I really can only be me. If someone doesn't want to try and look past the surface than oh well.

    I'm a bit of a homebody so I'm going to try and force myself to get out the house more. Hopefully I'll meet some new people.
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    Jan 30, 2012 5:31 AM GMT
    Caius saidThanks for the advice. I'm going to try and chill out and stop worrying. I really can only be me. If someone doesn't want to try and look past the surface than oh well.

    I'm a bit of a homebody so I'm going to try and force myself to get out the house more. Hopefully I'll meet some new people.



    Just be who you are, like you are on here, and were when you were here before. That's what it's about; someone liking you for who YOU are and HOW you are. It doesn't just drop out of a tree right away. For some yes, for many, no. Hey, I met Bill when I was 34.



    -Doug
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    Jan 30, 2012 5:59 AM GMT
    First of... beautiful eyes by the way.Que lindo.

    Now my point.... being an introvert you're going to need to try and step out of your shell. I would say you need to like talk about something that really interest you. Ask him if he's in to it. That's usually a good way to get introverts to talk. Once you feel that comfort... you will come out of your shell. My friend David is the same one. Great guy... absolutely love him and adore him. His quite nature is really what I like about him but he can be quite the chatter box once you get him talking about things that really interest him. Think of something you might have in common.

    As for the dude in question, you win some.. you lose some. In the gay world, it seems having sex is like having drinks ... causal, not formal or with much meaning. It's mutual masturbation without the worry of conception.... I sound really shitty and bitchy saying like that but lets be real... it basicly is... HOWEVER, it's not like that for EVERY guy... myself included. (although sure I've given in to the cookie jar myself a few times and regreted it to.) I've been where you are and my advice to you is before you go to the sexual level...feel up the friendship. See what's in common and work your way from you. Good luck... I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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    Jan 30, 2012 6:44 AM GMT
    Haaretz saidBe hot, rich and slutty.

    The guys will FLOCK to you.


    Ain't that the truth!
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    Jan 31, 2012 10:39 AM GMT
    Yawn. This troll AGAIN...