Don't Be So Sure...

  • greekguy79

    Posts: 112

    Jan 29, 2012 8:00 AM GMT
    So, it's late at night, and I"m up and kinda bummed.

    So, I'm a closeted dude here, and there's a dude that I've been sweet on for a while. He is a genuinely nice guy, intelligent, and really attractive. And in the time that I've known him, he's never mentioned a girlfriend, or had one for that matter. I've seen girls literally throw themselves at him, to which he's kinda politely laughed and played it off, but honestly, this guy could have had any of the girls flirting with him, but to my knowledge, has never hooked up with any of them.

    So, tonight he throws out a, "Check out the blonde there, she's pretty hot". And I couldn't help but be disappointed. I thought I was sure that there was something about this kid....but I'm guessing it was more wishful thinking.

    This ever happen to you guys...where all signs seem to point to yes, but you find out later that you were mistaken?

    It's a real bummer, that's for sure.
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    Jan 29, 2012 10:31 AM GMT
    I'm kinda bummed that you're 32, live in Toronto, and are still in the closet. Maybe if you came out to him instead of pretending you were straight you wouldn't have wasted all this time getting close to a dude only to find out he's straight.
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    Jan 29, 2012 1:33 PM GMT
    If you guys are cool, you should tell him you're gay. He might be bi. Who knows? And if not, you'll find another great guy, trust me. I'm just basing that on your abs, though.
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    Jan 29, 2012 2:41 PM GMT
    Grow a spine, grow a pair and stop living a lie.

    Best wishes.
  • a303guy

    Posts: 829

    Jan 29, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    JakeBenson saidI'm kinda bummed that you're 32, live in Toronto, and are still in the closet. Maybe if you came out to him instead of pretending you were straight you wouldn't have wasted all this time getting close to a dude only to find out he's straight.


    THIS!
  • a303guy

    Posts: 829

    Jan 29, 2012 2:54 PM GMT
    Haaretz saidGrow a spine, grow a pair and stop living a lie.

    Best wishes.


    THIS +2

    Understand - I'm only being this forward about it because I WASTED TIME not coming out till i was 37 - and I've been trying to make up for it ever since. Just get it done man - you're life will be immeasurably better.

    And OP don't come back at me with some "I'm waiting for the right time' BS. Because there isn't a right time. Ever. Just do it.
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    Jan 29, 2012 3:19 PM GMT
    I agree with all of them - come out first. You'll find more realistic opportunities that way and your friends might even help you out! icon_smile.gif

    Come out to your friends first - the ones you think are gonna stick around when you come out. If they don't accept you, then they weren't your friends to begin with.

    I was pulled out of the closet by friends, and it was such a horrible experience being grilled for the truth, but it was the best thing they've ever done to me. icon_smile.gif

    Good luck to you!
  • greekguy79

    Posts: 112

    Jan 29, 2012 5:07 PM GMT
    Okay, how do I word this without it coming out the wrong way?

    While I genuinely appreciate the advice on not waiting too long, and not wasting time on coming out, I think that some of you guys can be a little more tactful than telling someone to "grow a pair", or stop "living a lie". I've never pretended to live straight. I've never hit on a girl, or ever brought a girl home, so while I haven't shouted it from the rooftops, I haven't done things contradictory to my character to pretend. I like to think I have more integrity than that.

    I'm sure there are plenty of guys in my situation so I'm certainly not playing the martyr. The orginal post was mostly just to ask if it had happened to any of you--why some of you felt you needed to make it a pep talk on coming out, I don't know.

    Is it cowardly to still be in the closet--especially in Toronto as one you was quick to point out?--Yeah, it probably is. But not everybody's situation is the same. And you guys couldn't possibly know my situation, I've posted a dozen times. So before you tell me I'm "living a lie", humour me and ask me about my situation.

    Hope everyone's having a great day.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 29, 2012 5:12 PM GMT
    JakeBenson saidI'm kinda bummed that you're 32, live in Toronto, and are still in the closet. Maybe if you came out to him instead of pretending you were straight you wouldn't have wasted all this time getting close to a dude only to find out he's straight.
    Stop being judgmental and mean. I was always told if you do not have anything nice or constructive to say then do not say anything at all. When he is ready he will come out on his own
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 29, 2012 5:18 PM GMT
    greekguy79 saidOkay, how do I word this without it coming out the wrong way?

    While I genuinely appreciate the advice on not waiting too long, and not wasting time on coming out, I think that some of you guys can be a little more tactful than telling someone to "grow a pair", or stop "living a lie". I've never pretended to live straight. I've never hit on a girl, or ever brought a girl home, so while I haven't shouted it from the rooftops, I haven't done things contradictory to my character to pretend. I like to think I have more integrity than that.

    I'm sure there are plenty of guys in my situation so I'm certainly not playing the martyr. The orginal post was mostly just to ask if it had happened to any of you--why some of you felt you needed to make it a pep talk on coming out, I don't know.

    Is it cowardly to still be in the closet--especially in Toronto as one you was quick to point out?--Yeah, it probably is. But not everybody's situation is the same. And you guys couldn't possibly know my situation, I've posted a dozen times. So before you tell me I'm "living a lie", humour me and ask me about my situation.

    Hope everyone's having a great day.
    Greekguy, you do not owe any of them a explanation as to why you are not out. Dude, when you are ready or if you feel its necessary than you do it on your own terms. Anyhow, I say continue to be friends with the guy. He is what I do if I like someone who is straight or is not available. I just start viewing them as a brother. It helps me see them in a different light.
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    Jan 29, 2012 5:21 PM GMT
    Yeah - it's happened to me several times! I get attracted to friends who seem to show me signs of attraction back but end up chasing the girls! I'm a true beleiver that sexuality can be fluid for some people, if not most, but most people are predominantly hetero or homo. In your case, his one comment doesn't define his sexuality, but is a good counter to the other signs you've been reading from him. If you're not ready to come out directly to him - instead of trying to interpret signs coming from him, try sending some signs yourself. A first step might be giving signs that you're open to finding the male body attractive... if not his specifically
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    Jan 29, 2012 6:40 PM GMT
    greekguy79 saidHe is a genuinely nice guy, intelligent, and really attractive. And in the time that I've known him, he's never mentioned a girlfriend, or had one for that matter. I've seen girls literally throw themselves at him, to which he's kinda politely laughed and played it off, but honestly, this guy could have had any of the girls flirting with him, but to my knowledge, has never hooked up with any of them.

    So, tonight he throws out a, "Check out the blonde there, she's pretty hot". And I couldn't help but be disappointed. I thought I was sure that there was something about this kid....but I'm guessing it was more wishful thinking.

    Have you considered the possibility that he IS bi/gay and he threw that out to test the waters to see how you would react? I'm not saying that that's the case, but if you were sure that there was something about him (which I assume took some time to develop), I wouldn't dismiss it on the basis of one remark. Go with your gut feeling.
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    Jan 29, 2012 6:41 PM GMT
    greekguy79 said
    I'm sure there are plenty of guys in my situation so I'm certainly not playing the martyr. The orginal post was mostly just to ask if it had happened to any of you-...



    Well, to answer that question, it's happened to me PLENTY of times, and the reason why is because they didn't know me well enough, or I didn't know them well enough. Even if you feel like you've known enough about them, there's always something that pops up.
    I know the feeling, and the feeling sucks, so I just look for guys in places for gay people to save myself from disappointment. icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 29, 2012 6:43 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidWhen he is ready he will come out on his own.

    +1
    Everyone's situation is different. Your coming out is no one else's decision but yours.
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    Jan 29, 2012 7:23 PM GMT
    greekguy79, it's just one of the hazards of not being out. If you meet others who are also not out then both of you will sit guessing while neither makes a move.

    This is not wrong, it's just one of those situational and pretty logical things. icon_wink.gif
  • a303guy

    Posts: 829

    Jan 29, 2012 7:32 PM GMT
    Toscar said
    tuffguyndc saidWhen he is ready he will come out on his own.

    +1
    Everyone's situation is different. Your coming out is no one else's decision but yours.


    Agreed - BUT - doing nothing is just wasting time, which increases internal stress, which in turn makes you waste more time, and creates more situations similar to that which the OP posted about. It's a vicious cycle, that feeds on itself.

    If you know who and what you are - OWN IT - and start taking steps. they don't have to be big ones. JUST. DO. SOMETHING. The globe will continue to spin.
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    Jan 29, 2012 7:32 PM GMT
    I can't quite see how some of the posts helped this guy out.. seemed to attack him if anything. I personally don't think people should have to tell someone or "come out" to someone that they are gay. Heterosexuals don't have to come out "straight" do they? People who are "out" kill me with that crap. You're basically eradicating gay milestones and feeding into the perpetual concept that it is wrong for men to love men.. and ultimately asking for the permission and approval of heterosexuals for a man to love a man. IF it was wrong, I'd rather ask for forgiveness than ask for permission any day. Everyone has a reason for whatever they are doing.Try becoming an expert on your own business before becoming an expert on everyone else's.. or at least provide some type of realistic, helpful, extrensic feedback.

    Anyhow, it's not a bummer that the dude pointed out a blonde chick. It could just be a test to you.. to see what you would say. Just like you are picking up things about him, he could be doing the same to you. He could like both men and women.. he could be testing to see just how much do you like women, if at all.. or he could be indirectly saying that he likes women just in case you are wondering. What I would do is just continue constructing a good friendship foundation. If a relationship some day builds upon that, then it has a better chance of surviving any tumultuous storms that would easily make a relationship with a weak foundation crash and crumble. =^)
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    Jan 29, 2012 7:47 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc said
    JakeBenson saidI'm kinda bummed that you're 32, live in Toronto, and are still in the closet. Maybe if you came out to him instead of pretending you were straight you wouldn't have wasted all this time getting close to a dude only to find out he's straight.
    Stop being judgmental and mean. I was always told if you do not have anything nice or constructive to say then do not say anything at all. When he is ready he will come out on his own


    Tuffguy, Jake was speaking in terms of coming out to the man he was interested in only, not everyone else. icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 29, 2012 7:56 PM GMT
    You didn't needlessly send him any signals that would lead him to think you may be straight or bi? I'm thinking he may testing you; if he's not straight... good if he's curious or bi though! Good luck on this stud.
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    Jan 29, 2012 8:03 PM GMT
    almost the same situation, this guy in class is super cute and seems to be genuinely nice to me, we have talks about shit going on in his life and stuff...he even plays the whole "ill take you on a date sometime icon_wink.gif" game cause hes comfortable with his sexuality i guess...oddly, we never talked about girls or relationships or hook-ups, so i kinda thought maybe he is in the same situation as me........however after christmas break he talks about his new years and how much fun he had and how he slept with his friends sister.....icon_surprised.gif hit me like a fucking train....i was crushed, now i get to spend the next 6 months or so getting over him seeing as how i dont know anybody else in this town icon_sad.gif
  • a303guy

    Posts: 829

    Jan 29, 2012 8:32 PM GMT
    Toscar said
    a303guy said
    Toscar said
    tuffguyndc saidWhen he is ready he will come out on his own.

    +1
    Everyone's situation is different. Your coming out is no one else's decision but yours.

    Agreed - BUT - doing nothing is just wasting time, which increases internal stress.

    Agreed, but it is his time that's (perhaps) being wasted, his (perhaps) internal stress and his (perhaps) missed opportunities, so I don't quite understand why other people are so bothered. Whether he comes out now or later, it can only be his decision, with all the wins and losses. None of us can really tell as we don't know his situation.

    And anyway, in his original post greek didn't ask for advice on his coming out lol. He asked about the situation with this other guy and whether something similar has ever happened to anyone. So why are people hijacking this thread to be about something else?


    I beg to differ - the point I'm trying to make is this - the scenario the OP posted is one that is rather classic / tragic for closeted guys, of which, like so many of us, I once was. The whole scene simply wouldn't have occurred if the OP was honest about what he is - both to himself and to the man he is/was pursuing. I'm not about screaming from the rooftops that I'm gay - all I'm saying is that this whole thing wouldn't have happened if he would just get on with it and be accepting of who he is. Call it being out, call it whatever you want, but until the OP gets to some sort of peace with who and what he is, he's going to continue to have this sort of pre-relationship agony.

    Yes, I know everyone's process happens at a different time, at a different pace. Mine most certainly did, and the plodding pace of my own coming-to-terms drove some of my friends and relatives (both straight and gay) damn near nuts. What I'm trying to accomplish here isn't an OP ass-kicking, but a helpful (if somewhat aggressive) suggestion, from someone (myself) that has been in the same situation, at roughly the same age as he is.

    Bottom line, I feel very much for the pain the OP is feeling, because I have felt the exact same thing, for the exact same reasons, and I want to do something to alleviate that for him. And the only way to alleviate that pain is for him to do something constructive with his life-situation, and not just accept this sort of agony as part of life. Because it isn't.
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    Jan 29, 2012 11:55 PM GMT
    Thanks for quoting my post a303guy. I deleted it by mistake so am glad I don't have to retype. I'd say we don't really differ that much. I agree with almost everything you say. I agree that greek could have prevented the whole situation if he was out, and I also understand that you want to share your experience with him as an example. But he didn't ask for it.

    I went through the exact same situation for the exact same reason, but, and this is where we differ, I don't want to do anything to alleviate that pain for him. Why? Not because I'm cruel, but because I don't feel that I have the right to interfere in what is ultimately his deeply personal and individual decision. He feels the pain. He makes his choices. I still remember all the "supporting advice" and patronising shit I was getting from some of my friends when I was coming out and going through something similar (which they were giving me based on their understanding of my situation), and it just made me want to smack their faces so they finally shut the fuck up.

    Hope you don't get this wrong. I completely understand that you want to be helpful by explaining how your late coming out affected your life. But this is greek's life and his individual situation which we know nothing about. Plus again, he did NOT ask for it. So as far as I am concerned, it's none of my business and I respect it. Believe it or not, jumping in with all the "useful" advice, esp. if unsolicited, may be totally counterproductive and not really that helpful as you may think, in spite of best intentions.
  • a303guy

    Posts: 829

    Jan 30, 2012 12:04 AM GMT
    Toscar saidThanks for quoting my post a303guy. I deleted it by mistake so am glad I don't have to retype. I'd say we don't really differ that much. I agree with almost everything you say. I agree that greek could have prevented the whole situation if he was out, and I also understand that you want to share your experience with him as an example. But he didn't ask for it.

    I went through the exact same situation for the exact same reason, but, and this is where we differ, I don't want to do anything to alleviate that pain for him. Why? Not because I'm cruel, but because I don't feel that I have the right to interfere in what is ultimately his deeply personal and individual decision. He feels the pain. He makes his choices. I still remember all the "supporting advice" and patronising shit I was getting from some of my friends when I was coming out and going through something similar (which they gave me based on their experience and their understanding of my situation), and it just made me want to smack their faces so they finally shut the fuck up.

    Hope you don't get this wrong. I completely understand that you want to be helpful by explaining how your late coming out affected your life. But this is greek's life and his individual situation which we know nothing about. Plus again, he did NOT ask for it. So as far as I am concerned, it's none of my business and I respect it. Believe it or not, jumping in with all the "useful" advice, esp. if unsolicited, may be totally counterproductive and not really that helpful as you may think, in spite of best intentions.


    I completely get where you're coming from on this, and I agree, you and I are not that far apart aside from one crucial point: that being...he DID ask for it. By starting a thread here on RJ, he solicited responses, and by using a forum such as this, he also implicitly agreed that he has NO control of the types of responses he might get. Were some of them cruel? you betcha. Were some heartfelt? absolutely. Were some what he was looking for? possibly.

    I believe that I can speak for you and I on this final point: That hopefully he will read all of the responses, and from that, come up with a game plan to move his life forward in such a way that will bring him additional peace and happiness.
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    Jan 30, 2012 12:22 AM GMT
    a303guy saidI completely get where you're coming from on this, and I agree, you and I are not that far apart aside from one crucial point: that being...he DID ask for it.

    He didn't.
    1) Here is a quote from his original post, "This ever happen to you guys...where all signs seem to point to yes, but you find out later that you were mistaken?"
    2) Here is a quote from his follow-up post when people began to hijack this thread, "The orginal post was mostly just to ask if it had happened to any of you - why some of you felt you needed to make it a pep talk on coming out, I don't know."
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    Jan 30, 2012 1:40 AM GMT
    greekguy79 said
    Is it cowardly to still be in the closet--especially in Toronto as one you was quick to point out?--Yeah, it probably is. But not everybody's situation is the same. And you guys couldn't possibly know my situation, I've posted a dozen times. So before you tell me I'm "living a lie", humour me and ask me about my situation.


    I was thinking it's a shame you're in the closet because being in Toronto and being hot, you could be having oodles and gobs of hot sex in your prime, but being in the closet is a barrier to that. No judge, just wanting good fucks for you.