Trouble With my Best Friend (Not that kind of thread...)

  • Lehosh

    Posts: 3

    Jan 29, 2012 7:51 PM GMT
    No this isn't another "I'm in love with my straight friend" thread. Most of the actors involved are gay haha.

    And I would've posted this with my main profile but wanted a little anonymity... maybe that'll become obvious as to why if you read the following, or maybe I'm being dumb. But I also think that I need to get public feedback if only because asking someone who knows me and cares about me tends to get a sympathetic reaction... and I don't need sympathy. I'd prefer reality.

    ****

    So here's the story.

    Well... so Lukas is my best friend. Best friend I've ever had. No one has ever just clicked with me like he has. It's one of those things that... you know how you go through conversations and every once in a while you say something awkward or make a joke no one gets or otherwise do something inappropriate and a friend laughs at you to make you feel better? Lukas is even better than that. He's never even made me feel awkward for any of the goofy clumsy crap I do... as if everything I did were hilarious and awesome in itself. I feel like I could expose my soul on any subject to him and he would take me seriously and give me heartfelt advice, no matter how awkward or embarrassing or stupid the thing, because he cares about me and I about him.

    The reverse isn't strictly true though... Because Lukas has a boyfriend and we both know that Lukas and I are not strictly platonic friends as much as we insist to everyone that there's nothing going on. And the reason we have to constantly insist that nothing is going on is because, according to everyone else, the sexual tension between us is electric... People see us and assume we're together and don't believe me when I say we're not. I'm not self aware enough to really understand what that looks like or what I or he do to give that impression, but according to several friends who observe us, we interact the way two people do when they're not just friends. And I can see why that would be. I love Lukas... and I'm content to tell myself that I love him like a brother because no one has made me feel as much myself as he does... not even my last ex, who I loved like life. I hope my husband is to me everything that Lukas is to me. But I'm not a home wrecker, I strive to respect other people's relationships, and inasmuch as Lukas's relationship with George (who lives in New York) is important to him it is important to me, because Lukas is precious to me. So nothing had ever happened between us.

    Until Friday when something happened.

    When Lukas and I go out drinking, it's a blast. A total blast because we are best friends and can be completely us... fuck everyone else. I'm with my bestie. I can be who I want. So we let ourselves get pretty hammered. And of course generally harmless flirting happens (I say harmless, except that I've heard it described by third parties as "He was hanging on that guy like he wanted to have his babies"). So after the bar shuts down at 2, we are driving back to Lukas's place and get a text from my best straight friend Craig saying "Come play beer pong with me and my girlfriend. You guys can crash here if you want." So we go play a few rounds of beer pong until 330 in the morning when we are both pretty hammered and shouldn't ride a bike, much less drive a car anywhere. So we crash on Craig’s guest bed.

    I'll preface the following by saying that I had planned on just sleeping. Swear to God, I do not and had never tried to seduce Lukas (even though my feelings are obvious and he and everyone in the state it seems knows about it) and really was planning on just sleeping with no funny business. We'd been friends long enough that, while still obviously attracted, I'd long stopped imagining things going in a romantic direction. So when we got into bed (Lukas, by the way, has a banging body... stunning. And is, of course, just wearing a 2(x)ist jockstrap... of course) I turn over and plan on passing out. Until he wraps his arms around me and says, "You feel great."

    Now we didn't have sex. But we didn't have to... You know all those things that are missing when you hook up with a trick? Those things you get when you make love to someone? I got all those things... everything I wanted. He held me like a lover. He ran his hands through my hair and kissed my neck. He grabbed my hand and put it on his butt, his chest, between his legs. We cuddled like that until 1 in the afternoon the next day.

    I'll probably see him this afternoon, but we haven't talked really since eating breakfast yesterday. But yea... it's trouble.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2012 8:04 PM GMT
    So........did you want feedback? If so, what would you like my feedback to be about?


    intrigued

    -Doug
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 29, 2012 8:31 PM GMT
    Lehosh said...I'll preface the following by saying that I had planned on just sleeping. Swear to God, I do not and had never tried to seduce Lukas (even though my feelings are obvious and he and everyone in the state it seems knows about it) and really was planning on just sleeping with no funny business. We'd been friends long enough that, while still obviously attracted, I'd long stopped imagining things going in a romantic direction. So when we got into bed (Lukas, by the way, has a banging body... stunning. And is, of course, just wearing a 2(x)ist jockstrap... of course) I turn over and plan on passing out. Until he wraps his arms around me and says, "You feel great."

    Now we didn't have sex. But we didn't have to... You know all those things that are missing when you hook up with a trick? Those things you get when you make love to someone? I got all those things... everything I wanted. He held me like a lover. He ran his hands through my hair and kissed my neck. He grabbed my hand and put it on his butt, his chest, between his legs. We cuddled like that until 1 in the afternoon the next day.

    I'll probably see him this afternoon, but we haven't talked really since eating breakfast yesterday. But yea... it's trouble.


    I don't see a huge problem here.

    No sucking, no fucking,no j/o, no rimming, no overt, erotic sexual acts or positions done.... just a mutual exchange of affections that the other feels for the other.

    Heck, I'd love to have 1 or 2 long term friends(gay or straight) that I could be that close & comfortable with.


    icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 29, 2012 10:59 PM GMT
    Lehosh saidSo we let ourselves get pretty hammered....So after the bar shuts down at 2, we are driving....


    Sorry, you lost my brain here. I read it all, and part of me managed to be happy and "awwww" for you getting to snuggle, but the rest of my brain was doing an endless loop on:

    HOLY FUCK HE DRIVES HAMMERED?????

    So since you wanted advice and, as Doug pointed out, were vague about what type, I will advise you not to ever do that again. Seriously, it's fucked up. The life you ruin may be someone else's, not just your own.

    As for the "problem," I think it's great as far as you two go, but you may want to check in with Lukas to be sure that this is something that is ok with his BF as per their agreements. It very well may be. It very well may not be, and if it's not, I think you probably don't want to mar this very awesome-sounding relationship by being "the homewrecker" guy, nor do you want Lukas to feel guilty about it down the road and end up sabotaging it subconsciously. If this is going to go somewhere, you want to do it cleanly and in a way that feels "right." So I'd just gently check in with him and say something like "hey, just making sure that what we did last night/weekend/week/etc was okay with [BF's name here]. I really loved it but want to make sure we're not stepping over any boundaries." Establish that you're someone who honors those and expect him to be so as well.

    And please, seriously, don't drive drunk. icon_sad.gif
  • Lehosh

    Posts: 3

    Jan 30, 2012 12:23 AM GMT
    Sorry yeah, I was kind of vague about the advice I was looking for...

    (Eli... I can't really speak to Lukas's state haha. He was DD that night and kinda refuses to pay for drinks at the club, so I may be the only one who got hammered. I really only remember him drinking when we got to Craig's house but, that aside, point taken)

    I guess I should flesh out the context a bit. I was wondering if I should say something about what happened or ignore it and go on about my life as though nothing were different.

    The thing is, I'm not the kind of person who can not confront something... I mean, Lukas moved in on me... I hadn't allowed myself to imagine he felt anything for me because I didn't want to violate that boundary. But that (fragile) lie I was telling myself is gone now and the cat's out of the bag.

    The thing that is so precious about my relationship with him is that, again, there's never any awkwardness. There's never any secrets or pretending or fakery. This thing, though, if I don't talk about it, becomes a thing. A thing we don't talk about. Unresolved, it ruins what is so powerful to me about being his friend. So sooner or later I have to bring it up if he doesn't.

    At the same time, I'm afraid. If/when I bring it up, it means that something has to change. Either things have to change between me and Lukas, or between Lukas and George, or some mixture thereof.

    The truth is that his friendship is too valuable to me to risk on anything. I love him.... if I could be with him I would in a heartbeat, and I could build a life with him. But if I had to risk my friendship with him in order to see if that life could happen, I wouldn't do it. And that's the crossroad I'm at. If George knew what happened the other night, he'd forbid Lukas ever speaking to me. But that's where we are... and I'm afraid of what kind of choice I'm forcing to happen for Lukas.

    Or if I should do my best to pretend nothing happened.
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    Jan 30, 2012 3:43 AM GMT
    I think you already know the answer, but because of its implications/consequences, you're scared and hoping someone has a better idea.
    Like you've said, to preserve your friendship/relationship with Lukas you need to bring it up. It will drive you crazy not to, and things will get weird (tension will develop). I would ask Lukas how he feels about what happened the other night; you might be able to bring it up without having to expose your feelings for him. If he's as honest with you as you say you are with each other, he might tell you he loves you or he might tell you he's sorry for taking advantage of the situation and that he was drunk and missing George.
    If you've handled your feelings for him this long and he openly tells you he doesn't intend for things to go further then you could very well rest easy knowing you'll be able to retain the friendship you have. If he admits he cares about you and wants to make something out of what happened then I can't see a downside. Compatibility doesn't seem to be an issue, and the trust/respect is obviously there. Good luck!
  • Lehosh

    Posts: 3

    Jan 30, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    jerbear89 saidI think you already know the answer, but because of its implications/consequences, you're scared and hoping someone has a better idea.


    That's pretty much exactly it icon_confused.gif

    There are so many ways in which this situation goes south... I was wanting to get some perspective from outside hoping it would give me some insight that I'm not seeing from inside this mess.

    I'll probably let it eat at me for a few more days before I blurt out something awkwardly at an inappropriate moment.
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    Jan 30, 2012 2:55 PM GMT
    Hmmm, I think you dont have much to worry about honestly. If you have feelings for a friend.. its usually not that big a deal to let them pass and you can go back to being friends... Especially if you are such close friends beforehand as you two were!
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    Jan 30, 2012 3:39 PM GMT
    Lehosh, you said, "If George knew what happened the other night, he'd forbid Lukas ever speaking to me."

    So I take that George is Lukas's lover. I suggest you tell this sentence I quoted to Lukas. Lukas and George have a problem. If it wasn't you, then Lukas could very well be crushing on another.

    -Doug