Break up with boyfriend over homophobic friend

  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Jan 30, 2012 2:24 AM GMT
    Me and my boyfriend broke up last night at a terrible party. After dating for a month he invited me to a party to meet his straight friends. I was happy to finally meet his friends who he rarely sees, but is close to. We took the commuter rail into the small town to see him and Mike's (now ex) friend Simon picked us up. He stopped to buy beer for the party as he did not know how many would come. As soon as we got to the house he was very rude to me in the "I'm just joking" way. He said he sees me in my town in a dress and make-up, and I can't aswer a fucking question and he should fucking slap me to get an answer, he said I was being akward and making everyone uncomfortable, that I will be gang raped on the way to work, he also made fun of me for being irish. He was also rude to Mike.
    I became uncomfortable after he said all of this after having a few sips of beer. No one had arrived (Me, Mike, Simon, and his GF) and I didn't want to wait to see how he'd act with a few more beers in him. With that I asked Mike when the next commuter rail comes and he said it comes in half hour (they come every three hours). Since Mike was to stay over that night I asked if he would walk me. He did not know the way back and Simon offered to take us. He then asked Mike and his gf to talk in private. They talked and then Simon pulled me and Mike into a room and asked me what my deal was. I told him I was offended and would like to leave. He said he'd drive me.
    I went outside only to be cursed out by Simon for not wanting a ride and he called a an asshole and a bitch and told Mike not to bring bitches and hoes like me to his house. In the end Mike decided to stay after I told him over and over again I needed his support. I went home alone. I broke up with Mike for not being there for me.
    I will see Mike tomorow and am feeling many emotions. I care about him so much, but am pissed that he had me go home alone after his homophobic friend attacked me. What do you guys think, should I forgive or no?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2012 2:55 AM GMT
    wow. The guy sounds pretty unstable.

    Mike (your bf right) should have stood up for you more than anyone else shoudl have. Maybe he's afraid of Simon and lets him walk all over him, but if I were you, I'd value my self-respect more than anyone else's friendship or boyfriendship.
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Jan 30, 2012 3:31 AM GMT
    What. No. Don't doubt yourself on this one. His friend was being a fucking douchebag. I'm surprised that you were even so calmly able respond to him in such a civilized manner, I'd have exploded a long time ago. Your boyfriend, although maybe he needed to hear both sides, should've supported you. You might have to fill him in on everything that happened though.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Jan 30, 2012 3:36 AM GMT
    buddha_the_god saidWhat. No. Don't doubt yourself on this one. His friend was being a fucking douchebag. I'm surprised that you were even so calmly able respond to him in such a civilized manner, I'd have exploded a long time ago. Your boyfriend, although maybe he needed to hear both sides, should've supported you. You might have to fill him in on everything that happened though.


    he was present for all of it.
  • nessthing

    Posts: 68

    Jan 30, 2012 4:27 AM GMT
    Sounds like he was a jerk. When you see him you should explain to him again how his lack of support in front of his friends was hurtful to you and ask for an apology.

    And if he doesn't want to, consider getting all up on somebody else's dick. Like, somebody he hates.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2012 4:36 AM GMT
    My thoughts are that you two have been together for THIRTY DAYS. Not months, years... but 30 days. Just be friends, have some great sex, hang out with each other when you're bored and let your friendship grow. If its a natural friendship that evolves, you two will grow to be super protective of each other.

    cookingitsweet saidMe and my boyfriend broke up last night at a terrible party. After dating for a month he invited me to a party to meet his straight friends. I was happy to finally meet his friends who he rarely sees, but is close to. We took the commuter rail into the small town to see him and Mike's (now ex) friend Simon picked us up. He stopped to buy beer for the party as he did not know how many would come. As soon as we got to the house he was very rude to me in the "I'm just joking" way. He said he sees me in my town in a dress and make-up, and I can't aswer a fucking question and he should fucking slap me to get an answer, he said I was being akward and making everyone uncomfortable, that I will be gang raped on the way to work, he also made fun of me for being irish. He was also rude to Mike.
    I became uncomfortable after he said all of this after having a few sips of beer. No one had arrived (Me, Mike, Simon, and his GF) and I didn't want to wait to see how he'd act with a few more beers in him. With that I asked Mike when the next commuter rail comes and he said it comes in half hour (they come every three hours). Since Mike was to stay over that night I asked if he would walk me. He did not know the way back and Simon offered to take us. He then asked Mike and his gf to talk in private. They talked and then Simon pulled me and Mike into a room and asked me what my deal was. I told him I was offended and would like to leave. He said he'd drive me.
    I went outside only to be cursed out by Simon for not wanting a ride and he called a an asshole and a bitch and told Mike not to bring bitches and hoes like me to his house. In the end Mike decided to stay after I told him over and over again I needed his support. I went home alone. I broke up with Mike for not being there for me.
    I will see Mike tomorow and am feeling many emotions. I care about him so much, but am pissed that he had me go home alone after his homophobic friend attacked me. What do you guys think, should I forgive or no?
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    Jan 30, 2012 5:11 AM GMT
    cookingitsweet said
    buddha_the_god saidWhat. No. Don't doubt yourself on this one. His friend was being a fucking douchebag. I'm surprised that you were even so calmly able respond to him in such a civilized manner, I'd have exploded a long time ago. Your boyfriend, although maybe he needed to hear both sides, should've supported you. You might have to fill him in on everything that happened though.


    he was present for all of it.



    Then perhaps tell him you're taking a few days to think over what happened and what you would have done in this situation were he the target. Then, take a few days. It's only been a month and I think a good time to to communicate needs (and bwt way it is my firm belief that not one person on the planet doesn't have needs).
    Relationships, good ones, are rather reciprocal things.

    warmly,

    -Doug
  • vasurfermil

    Posts: 2

    Jan 30, 2012 5:22 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Brownale said[/cite]My thoughts are that you two have been together for THIRTY DAYS. Not months, years... but 30 days. Just be friends, have some great sex, hang out with each other when you're bored and let your friendship grow. If its a natural friendship that evolves, you two will grow to be super protective of each other.


    I totally agree with Brownale... you all have been together barely anytime to be going through trust and support issues right now... what ever happened to the real dating period???? you know where you kiss and fuck and talk shit about the other people going through your issues across the restaurant, lol... If your "relationship" is starting out with neediness you both should run fast and far.
    Only an opinion... take it as such.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2012 5:24 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    Then perhaps tell him you're taking a few days to think over what happened and what you would have done in this situation were he the target. Then, take a few days. It's only been a month and I think a good time to to communicate needs (and bwt way it is my firm belief that not one person on the planet doesn't have needs).
    Relationships, good ones, are rather reciprocal things.

    warmly,

    -Doug


    Oh I like this, because it gives Mike time to think about how he behaved. The concern that he might get dumped will only serve him to act with more decency in the future.
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    Jan 30, 2012 5:45 AM GMT
    Cut him some slack for that being his boy, but at the same time... it has to be a wake up call for your Ex. If he was like that with you, how will he be with the next guy. It's something for mike to sort out but like I said... from what it sounds like... that is his bro of sorts so... that's going to be hard. I have to be honest... I live by the saying "Bros before Hoes". All my straight guy friends are the same way. My cousin had a girl he really liked but she hated me with a passion because I always called her out on her shit AFTER I saw how she was manipualting our cirlce of friends. She went from dick to dick litterally in the span of 6 weeks. He dumped her on the spot after she said "Silly Faggot! Dick's are for chicks! Don't you get it?!" It was a little rough for Kevin (my cousin) because I knew he liked her but we, our circle of friends come first.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2012 5:51 AM GMT
    You did the right thing(s). If there's only one thing that I might have done differently, I would have said something to Simon to let him know that I didn't appreciate his "humor". If it didn't stop, then leaving was the right thing. Asking Mike for support was also the right thing and if he wasn't willing to provide it, then he's not the right one for you.

    But you've got to take some accountability where appropriate. It sounds to me like you may have been coming off as unintentionally aloof. To some that reads, 'I'm better than you'. You said that he said that you couldn't answer a question and that he should slap you to get an answer. That's a pretty strong statement. Were you intimidated by him?

    Sounds like this is something all three of you need to talk through.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 30, 2012 5:52 AM GMT
    WHATEVER! Maybe if the two just didn't get along, bros before hoes.

    But this was a case of an asshole being abusive to a newcomer when he's got his crew to back him up. This is a matter of stepping in to stop someone from being a total dick to your date.

    I wouldn't dump the guy for having a shitty friend. I would dump him for being unable to stand up for himself or his date against the psychotic (and probably jealous) friend.

    If this was someone I was dating or just introducing someone to my friends, I would have put a stop to it immediately, and apologized with embarrassment to the new guy for the whole situation.

    Mike sounds like a pussy to me.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 30, 2012 7:48 AM GMT
    some people here need to be banned from giving advice....


    one, let's deal with the 30-days you're my boyfriend. call it what you want, but this is a fling.

    two, home boy (simon), if he truly acted like you said he did, is scum.

    three, the fact that your ex would be friends with scum, plus not stopping him as he railed on you, is telling. you don't want to be with this guy.

    four, you don't care about people a lot after thirty days... you just think you do. stop being spineless and realize this scene was crazy and you should be mad and get the hell away from those people.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Jan 30, 2012 7:59 AM GMT
    Ryan_Andrew saidCut him some slack for that being his boy, but at the same time... it has to be a wake up call for your Ex. If he was like that with you, how will he be with the next guy. It's something for mike to sort out but like I said... from what it sounds like... that is his bro of sorts so... that's going to be hard. I have to be honest... I live by the saying "Bros before Hoes". All my straight guy friends are the same way. My cousin had a girl he really liked but she hated me with a passion because I always called her out on her shit AFTER I saw how she was manipualting our cirlce of friends. She went from dick to dick litterally in the span of 6 weeks. He dumped her on the spot after she said "Silly Faggot! Dick's are for chicks! Don't you get it?!" It was a little rough for Kevin (my cousin) because I knew he liked her but we, our circle of friends come first.


    But I never disrespected his friend.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Jan 30, 2012 8:00 AM GMT
    calibro saidsome people here need to be banned from giving advice....


    one, let's deal with the 30-days you're my boyfriend. call it what you want, but this is a fling.

    two, home boy (simon), if he truly acted like you said he did, is scum.

    three, the fact that your ex would be friends with scum, plus not stopping him as he railed on you, is telling. you don't want to be with this guy.

    four, you don't care about people a lot after thirty days... you just think you do. stop being spineless and realize this scene was crazy and you should be mad and get the hell away from those people.


    Terrible advice, jaded.
  • 10sboySF

    Posts: 32

    Jan 30, 2012 8:09 AM GMT
    Kick him in the teeth and tell him you just want to be friends
    =)
  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Jan 30, 2012 8:22 AM GMT
    cookingitsweet said
    Terrible advice, jaded.

    Bwahaha I agree. Saying "Some people here need to be banned from giving advice" and then giving truly awful advice(Telling you your relationship is not real. What you think and feel is not real and then insulting you, good lord, that's actually abusive and manipulative) Yes some people do need to be banned from giving advice. Me and my bf literally fell in love in about a week and have been together steady for two years. It happens, it's real. Anyways your situation is complicated and it's up to you to decide to stay or not. Could this kind of thing happen again? Or repeatedly? Could you move past it? You did the right thing at the party. You were honest and you decided to leave and it is kinda shitty because it does look like he choose a friend over you. Did you ask him why he stayed? What was he thinking/feeling when he choose that?
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 30, 2012 8:24 AM GMT
    cookingitsweet said
    calibro saidsome people here need to be banned from giving advice....


    one, let's deal with the 30-days you're my boyfriend. call it what you want, but this is a fling.

    two, home boy (simon), if he truly acted like you said he did, is scum.

    three, the fact that your ex would be friends with scum, plus not stopping him as he railed on you, is telling. you don't want to be with this guy.

    four, you don't care about people a lot after thirty days... you just think you do. stop being spineless and realize this scene was crazy and you should be mad and get the hell away from those people.


    Terrible advice, jaded.


    i might be jaded, but i'm not the one pining over a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend and the trashy company he kept. the fact that you even need to ask for advice about this situation is telling about yourself. sorry i don't live in fantasy land where i think one month makes someone my boyfriend, and i take shit at a party and need my spineless boyfriend to stick up for me in order to walk away. the only thing sadder about how awful the situation seems is that you have no regard for yourself to own up to walking away from it and standing up for yourself.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 30, 2012 8:28 AM GMT
    xKorix said
    cookingitsweet said
    Terrible advice, jaded.

    Bwahaha I agree. Saying "Some people here need to be banned from giving advice" and then giving truly awful advice(Telling you your relationship is not real. What you think and feel is not real and then insulting you, good lord, that's actually really abusive, controlling, and manipulative) Yes some people do need to be banned from giving advice. Me and my bf literally fell in love in about a week and have been together steady for two years. It happens, it's real. Anyways your situation is complicated and it's up to you to decide to stay or not. Could this kind of thing happen again? Or repeatedly? Could you move past it?


    if you honestly think you fell in love in a week, you don't really know what love is. there's some wonderful studies on the matter, and when you actually study the clinical phases of love and how it manifests, you'll understand why your statement is full of shit. that's not to say you aren't in love with your boyfriend now, but what you were feeling after one week was infatuation. to believe otherwise is to be deluded by the false-idea of love as portrayed by unrealistic mediums in our society. oh yeah, you were 21 when that happened. that makes a lot of sense.

    plus, your advice sounds like the precursors to battered person syndrome.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Jan 30, 2012 8:53 AM GMT
    never said I fell in love in a week, stop putting words in my mouth and being a dick.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 30, 2012 9:09 AM GMT
    cookingitsweet saidnever said I fell in love in a week, stop putting words in my mouth and being a dick.


    why don't you try reading your own thread. that reply wasn't to you. you know, not everything is about you. and the more you talk the more it seems your version of the story might be a tad too revisionist.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 30, 2012 9:57 AM GMT
    after dating for a month???
    NEXTicon_exclaim.gif
  • davidsticky69

    Posts: 412

    Jan 30, 2012 9:58 AM GMT
    calibro said
    cookingitsweet saidnever said I fell in love in a week, stop putting words in my mouth and being a dick.


    why don't you try reading your own thread. that reply wasn't to you. you know, not everything is about you. and the more you talk the more it seems your version of the story might be a tad too revisionist.


    How (and how long it takes) for two person to fall in love is certainly none of your business. In fact, it is no one's business. Don't even try to back up your argument with some lame socio-psychological studies. Those studies, no matter how valid they are due to the amount of accumulated empirical evidences, are merely good enough to show correlations between different variables. Length of knowing a person correlates with the feelings developed but certainly does not explain the depth of feelings (how fucking ambiguous are feelings - this we all know) or qualifies as the main cause of any feelings developed.

    It's ok for you to have skeptical views on love and relationship. Just don't force it on others. You live in the Land of The Free so I guess you should better start acting like it, eh?

    To the OP: I am sorry for the plight you were caught in. Better days ahead. You made the right decision in dumping your ex-bf. Not out of rage. But you did it for you as you now know that you deserve someone better. I hope you don't look back at this experience with grief and bitterness. Any crisis can be good as there are always a lesson or two to learn from. Just move on and live on the lighter side of life. You should be glad that at least you don't end up with someone like him (your ex). Best regards.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 30, 2012 10:11 AM GMT
    davidsticky69 said
    calibro said
    cookingitsweet saidnever said I fell in love in a week, stop putting words in my mouth and being a dick.


    why don't you try reading your own thread. that reply wasn't to you. you know, not everything is about you. and the more you talk the more it seems your version of the story might be a tad too revisionist.


    How (and how long it takes) for two person to fall in love is certainly none of your business. In fact, it is no one's business. Don't even try to back up your argument with some lame socio-psychological studies. Those studies, no matter how valid they are due to the amount of accumulated empirical evidences, are merely good enough to show correlations between different variables. Length of knowing a person correlates with the feelings developed but certainly does not explain the depth of feelings (how fucking ambiguous are feelings - this we all know) or qualifies as the main cause of any feelings developed.




    spoken true to your age. feelings aren't ambiguous as much as they are complex, often because they are chemically constructed. it's part of the reason young people swoon so easily. and yes, there are variables that affect the rate of which people fall in love, but that doesn't allot for a week's time to fall in love. there's a reason love is broken down in stages, and to move to the final stage in a week is pretty much impossible given how the person described it. there's nothing wrong with being smitten in the honeymoon phase of love and professing love, but if you've ever been in genuine love, you'll understand how love is less about romance and more about mundane fulfillment in a way that accrues, i.e., the little things. come back in twenty years when you're body is a bit more chemically stable and your emotions a bit more calloused through experience and then talk about the rationalization of falling in love in seven days.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jan 30, 2012 10:18 AM GMT
    davidsticky69 said
    calibro said
    cookingitsweet saidnever said I fell in love in a week, stop putting words in my mouth and being a dick.


    why don't you try reading your own thread. that reply wasn't to you. you know, not everything is about you. and the more you talk the more it seems your version of the story might be a tad too revisionist.


    How (and how long it takes) for two person to fall in love is certainly none of your business. In fact, it is no one's business. Don't even try to back up your argument with some lame socio-psychological studies. Those studies, no matter how valid they are due to the amount of accumulated empirical evidences, are merely good enough to show correlations between different variables. Length of knowing a person correlates with the feelings developed but certainly does not explain the depth of feelings (how fucking ambiguous are feelings - this we all know) or qualifies as the main cause of any feelings developed.

    It's ok for you to have skeptical views on love and relationship. Just don't force it on others. You live in the Land of The Free so I guess you should better start acting like it, eh?

    To the OP: I am sorry for the plight you were caught in. Better days ahead. You made the right decision in dumping your ex-bf. Not out of rage. But you did it for you as you now know that you deserve someone better. I hope you don't look back at this experience with grief and bitterness. Any crisis can be good as there are always a lesson or two to learn from. Just move on and live on the lighter side of life. You should be glad that at least you don't end up with someone like him (your ex). Best regards.


    for 21 and 22 you guys are naive. OP your profile said monogamous relationship??? -Hope you wore condoms??!! 30 days and monogamy??? I think you guys aren't listening to sound advice from men who know better. Your opening statement said your b/f?? That is NOT a b/f. You hardly know someone in 30 days to call it anything even if you saw them daily. Get an STD panel STAT! Sorry if some are picking up BS, but by your age you should know better. OP would you like the truth or a sugar coated cookie??