I found the one and fucked it up

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    Jan 30, 2012 4:02 AM GMT
    Ok so I found the one, like, literally the one for me... and when it all finally comes together I fuck it up.

    Its like this. I went to hang with my friend, call him Tom, when a mutual friend calls me up to hang, lets call him Mike. They both live about 50 mins away from me but about 5 mins from each other. So I figured lets all go out together. So we went out Sat night everybody had fun. Mike goes home and I go back with Tom.

    *quick backstory: Im not really out. Most people think Im straight, I'm more bi. Mike has no idea. Somehow my 'gaydar' went off with Tom since we first met, he's 'straight' too, and one day I made a move on him and we been fooling around ever since. Nothing too serious, just mostly touching, cuddling, etc. But its been a work in progress and I give him his time and space and we go a little further each time. Im probably a lot more comfortable with it then him. He's a couple years younger than me, thats probably why. So back to the story..

    I go home with Tom. I usually just stay with him when i visit cause its to far a drive when we been drinking for me to go back home. We sleep in the same bed when i visit, and last night was incredible. We were in each others embrace almost the whole night. Closest thing I probably ever felt to this thing called love. I mean perfect.

    So the next day we were all supposed to hang out again, or so I thought. I woke up late and Tom had left the house to do a couple things. Mike hits me up to come over. Ok cool. So now were all supposed to meet over at Mikes. I get there first. Mike pulls up. A little while later Tom hits me up to ask Mike if its still cool to come over. I ask Mike and he starts acting shaky like he doesn't want Tom over. So now I look like the bad guy because it looks like I just wanted to hang out with Mike and Tom wasn't invited. This wasn't the case nor my plan. Tom gets upset, I tell him ill leave and come chill with him. He's tells me its cool he doesn't want to hang with anybody anymore, and now he hasn't picked up my call or returned my text since. Tom gets easily depressed so now I don't know how long hell be mad at me or if we can ever pick up where we left off. I feel bad cause its like i think he won even trust me the same.

    I literally went from level 10 to negative -1 in less than 24 hrs.
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    Jan 30, 2012 4:18 AM GMT
    Keep trying to reach Tom. There's hope there.

    When you make up with Tom, take it all the way to seal your bond with him. Tom may think you're doing the same things with Mike that you're doing with Tom.

    Once you and tom go all the way, you two can probably talk a little more freely and you can support his feelings.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jan 30, 2012 8:17 AM GMT
    This is hopeless, as long as you two guys remain afraid to come out of the closet.
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    Jan 30, 2012 8:29 AM GMT
    hehe
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    Jan 30, 2012 12:40 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidThis is hopeless, as long as you two guys remain afraid to come out of the closet.


    your retarded. this has nothing to do with that
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    Jan 30, 2012 12:47 PM GMT
    simply put this is more about a friend who probably feels like i betrayed him right now. I just want to know what type of damage control i can do or what i can do to gain his trust back.

    fuck the other dude. the funny thing is we met thru the other guy.
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    Jan 30, 2012 12:53 PM GMT
    no matter what happens in the long run,i think all 3 of you will become long best friends..let each one know how you feel about each of them,and what each one of them bring to the table..
    being open and honest is the best policy in the long run..
    good luck with mike and tom..
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    Jan 30, 2012 1:01 PM GMT
    yea man it sucks because it was a pretty dickhead move for Mike to do that and now Im caught in the middle. I know Tom thru Mike but Im way closer with Tom. We been inseparable since we met.
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    Jan 30, 2012 1:01 PM GMT
    alittlecurious saidsimply put this is more about a friend who probably feels like i betrayed him right now. I just want to know what type of damage control i can do or what i can do to gain his trust back.

    fuck the other dude. the funny thing is we met thru the other guy.

    I think all you can do is wait until you get to speak with Tom again, and repeat that it was your understanding that Mike was cool with both of you being there at first, but changed his mind when Tom phoned. And remind him that you were going to leave Mike's to join him instead, but it was Tom who declined.

    If Tom's that touchy then maybe he's not so "perfect" after, and if he's prone to being this insecure & unreasonable, and subject to depression, then maybe he's not ready for any gay relationship yet. Maybe in a few years, but right now he'll just be causing you more grief like this with his overly sensitive attitude.

    But again, do try to get in touch and tell him, calmly without accusation or confrontation on your part, that this was Mike's choice. Of course, I don't know if you did stay there and fool around, cause if Tom asks that question you may have a problem.
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    Jan 30, 2012 1:12 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    alittlecurious saidsimply put this is more about a friend who probably feels like i betrayed him right now. I just want to know what type of damage control i can do or what i can do to gain his trust back.

    fuck the other dude. the funny thing is we met thru the other guy.

    I think all you can do is wait until you get to speak with Tom again, and repeat that it was your understanding that Mike was cool with both of you being there at first, but changed his mind when Tom phoned. And remind him that you were going to leave Mike's to join him instead, but it was Tom who declined.

    If Tom's that touchy then maybe he's not so "perfect" after, and if he's prone to being this insecure & unreasonable, and subject to depression, then maybe he's not ready for any gay relationship yet. Maybe in a few years, but right now he'll just be causing you more grief like this with his overly sensitive attitude.

    But again, do try to get in touch and tell him, calmly without accusation or confrontation on your part, that this was Mike's choice. Of course, I don't know if you did stay there and fool around, cause if Tom asks that question you may have a problem.


    Nope, I didn't fool around with Mike. Not at all, no intentions to. Ever. He's in the process of breaking up with his girl and thats really the only reason I told him to come along. Trying to be good friend. I don't even thinks he knows how close me and Tom are.

    I know all about Tom and his shortcomings but I accept him for who he is. He's not perfect, nobody is, but he's perfect for me. When I first met Tom he was going thru a bunch of stuff and i helped him thru it. Im a real positive person and its been starting to rub off on Tom but now.. i don't now whats going to happen.
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    Jan 30, 2012 1:37 PM GMT
    alittlecurious said
    Webster666 saidThis is hopeless, as long as you two guys remain afraid to come out of the closet.


    your retarded. this has nothing to do with that


    hey man,

    believe it or not, this does have something (granted, probably not everything), to do with being in the closet... it is hard to see that until you come out of the closet so you'll really just have to take this advice in the good natured spirit it's intended...

    if you can get a hold of it, read a book called 'the velvet rage'... it will be of enormous assistance in understanding why Tom's reaction is likely to be more extreme, so long as he is closeted... as may yours...

    i'm not telling you to come out of the closet, you'll do that if and when you choose, but this may help you understand why many of us wouldn't have it any other way.

    good luck!
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    Jan 30, 2012 1:41 PM GMT
    Actually, OP, you not being out has a significant effect on this situation whether you wanna believe it or not. You aren't open with yourself so how could you be open to anyone else? Think about it. I wish you the best.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 30, 2012 1:43 PM GMT
    How about a sincere email that explains all that happened?

    It's been my experience that often a guy that is shy about his feelings for you can process an email much better than they can in a face-to-face conversation....it takes the pressure off them to immediately process what you are trying to tell him.

    This method has worked for me in the past.

    Or you could just email him a copy of this thread.
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    Jan 30, 2012 2:46 PM GMT
    I think I would have simply left Mike's place and gone back to Tom's when Mike said he didn't want Tom to come over. (he DID say that, didn't he? I didn't understand what you meant by acting shaky)

    You could always explain to Tom how you feel about him, and about what happened just as you explained it in your first post. How he'll react, both of you supposedly being straight, is anyone's guess.


    I'm a little surprised that Tom doesn't like you enough to give you the benefit of the doubt here, or at least want an explanation from you.

    -Doug

    PS as for the being out bit - really this is just about you two coming out to each other in the sense of having romantic feelings towards each other.
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    Jan 30, 2012 2:48 PM GMT
    PPS You didn't fuck anything up.

    Nothing.
    Nada.
    Zip.

    Tom jumped to a conclusion and Mike behaved oddly - he wanted you to himself. Bear this in mind before beating yourself up emotionally.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19136

    Jan 30, 2012 3:00 PM GMT
    alittlecurious said
    Webster666 saidThis is hopeless, as long as you two guys remain afraid to come out of the closet.


    your retarded. this has nothing to do with that



    #1 RJ Pet Peeve --- People who ask for advice, then don't like the advice they get. Webster666 is right...until you come out of the closet, the miscommunication will keep tripping you up at some point. You said...
    alittlecurious saidWe sleep in the same bed when i visit, and last night was incredible. We were in each others embrace almost the whole night. Closest thing I probably ever felt to this thing called love. I mean perfect.

    Doesn't sound like a "bi" guy to me. If it was so "perfect", why did you let Mr. Perfect know that Mike didn't want him to come over. You didn't make him a priority after your "perfect" night together. No wonder he's pissed.
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    Jan 30, 2012 4:30 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ said
    alittlecurious said
    Webster666 saidThis is hopeless, as long as you two guys remain afraid to come out of the closet.


    your retarded. this has nothing to do with that



    #1 RJ Pet Peeve --- People who ask for advice, then don't like the advice they get. Webster666 is right...until you come out of the closet, the miscommunication will keep tripping you up at some point. You said...
    alittlecurious saidWe sleep in the same bed when i visit, and last night was incredible. We were in each others embrace almost the whole night. Closest thing I probably ever felt to this thing called love. I mean perfect.

    Doesn't sound like a "bi" guy to me. If it was so "perfect", why did you let Mr. Perfect know that Mike didn't want him to come over. You didn't make him a priority after your "perfect" night together. No wonder he's pissed.


    Maybe I should have responded better to his advice. But I honestly don't think thats the issue.

    As to your point I think your right. I don't think he's too upset about Mike not letting him come over its because I was there and we were ALL supposed to hang out. I was supposed to make him a priority and it doesn't seem like I did. Thats why I feel bad. Even tho after it happened I told Mike how it was fucked up and I left shortly after. I think instead of going home I should have went back to Tom's even tho I couldn't get a hold of him thru phone, I should have at least stopped by his house to see if he was still there. Therefore my question and the purpose of this thread is not wether I should 'come out' or not but how do I win my friend back? I know it might take time but I don't want to lose him

    P.S. as for the miscommunication thing, this is all stuff that I have verbalized to Tom. I actually have told him I love him, even before this happened, and that I left Mike's after it happened. I know right now he's hurt but i don't want these feelings to fester. I think after I finish my work today I may just stop by. Is that good or should I just give him space and time??
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    Jan 30, 2012 4:32 PM GMT
    CuriousJockAZ said
    Doesn't sound like a "bi" guy to me. If it was so "perfect", why did you let Mr. Perfect know that Mike didn't want him to come over. You didn't make him a priority after your "perfect" night together. No wonder he's pissed.


    I know man. I feel like an ass.
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    Jan 30, 2012 4:34 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidActually, OP, you not being out has a significant effect on this situation whether you wanna believe it or not. You aren't open with yourself so how could you be open to anyone else? Think about it. I wish you the best.


    True for me too. Coming out takes a weight off your shoulders. Come out when you're ready and all, but realize having one secret always requires more secrets to support it.
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    Jan 30, 2012 4:45 PM GMT
    knowwonder said
    Guy101 saidActually, OP, you not being out has a significant effect on this situation whether you wanna believe it or not. You aren't open with yourself so how could you be open to anyone else? Think about it. I wish you the best.


    True for me too. Coming out takes a weight off your shoulders. Come out when you're ready and all, but realize having one secret always requires more secrets to support it.


    See thats what I mean, Im not trying to shun anyones advice but you are assuming. You are assuming that I am not open with myself. Why? because I'm not out? You don't know why tho. I know who I am and what I like. But its a time and place for everything. Unfortunately with my career and what I do on a daily basis that wouldn't be the best decision for me right now. Which is why my face pics are private on here. Im not ashamed or afraid. But I'm just speaking for myself.
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    Jan 30, 2012 4:45 PM GMT
    I think Im going to go by his house today before he can get too upset and down on himself. Good idea?? no?
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    Jan 30, 2012 4:57 PM GMT
    alittlecurious said
    knowwonder said
    Guy101 saidActually, OP, you not being out has a significant effect on this situation whether you wanna believe it or not. You aren't open with yourself so how could you be open to anyone else? Think about it. I wish you the best.


    True for me too. Coming out takes a weight off your shoulders. Come out when you're ready and all, but realize having one secret always requires more secrets to support it.


    See thats what I mean, Im not trying to shun anyones advice but you are assuming. You are assuming that I am not open with myself. Why? because I'm not out? You don't know why tho. I know who I am and what I like. But its a time and place for everything. Unfortunately with my career and what I do on a daily basis that wouldn't be the best decision for me right now. Which is why my face pics are private on here. Im not ashamed or afraid. But I'm just speaking for myself.


    In the end, it doesn't matter what I think. Just do what you know is going to make you happy, with little or no doubt to come with it. That is what is important. You're right, I don't know you.
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    Jan 30, 2012 5:01 PM GMT
    knowwonder said
    alittlecurious said
    knowwonder said
    Guy101 saidActually, OP, you not being out has a significant effect on this situation whether you wanna believe it or not. You aren't open with yourself so how could you be open to anyone else? Think about it. I wish you the best.


    True for me too. Coming out takes a weight off your shoulders. Come out when you're ready and all, but realize having one secret always requires more secrets to support it.


    See thats what I mean, Im not trying to shun anyones advice but you are assuming. You are assuming that I am not open with myself. Why? because I'm not out? You don't know why tho. I know who I am and what I like. But its a time and place for everything. Unfortunately with my career and what I do on a daily basis that wouldn't be the best decision for me right now. Which is why my face pics are private on here. Im not ashamed or afraid. But I'm just speaking for myself.


    In the end, it doesn't matter what I think. Just do what you know is going to make you happy, with little or no doubt to come with it. That is what is important. You're right, I don't know you.


    i thank you for your advice. I'm not trying to be mean or anything. I know sometimes words typed don't come across the same as when they're spoken.
  • tuffguyndc

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    Jan 30, 2012 5:26 PM GMT
    well bro, good luck with your situation. i say just give him a little time. stay in touch with him but give him a little space
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    Jan 30, 2012 5:27 PM GMT
    alittlecurious saidI think Im going to go by his house today before he can get too upset and down on himself. Good idea?? no?

    Great idea; in person is better than a text or a call.