Feelings of inadequacy among gay men

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 5:37 PM GMT
    Now I am not starting another pity party here but I was wondering does anyone else feel like sometimes that they are less of a man because they are gay? I mean because so much of society says you are and at the same time its hard to drown out those feelings. It sometimes feels like it is beaten into me over and over again that I am not full man it is hard to say no I am! sometimes. Yes yes we all can go into the what is the definition of a real man, but would get off track. I mean when I feel like I am treated as less of a man it causes me to be overly aggressive and macho sometimes because I dont want to be treated like I am well how everyone "thinks" a gay man is..... almost half a man. I know this is all because I am young and because I am still figuring out who I am but I know I must not be the only person who has felt this at times. Has anyone else gone through this before.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 5:45 PM GMT
    Used to but not anymore. Men are a lot more complicated, and are capable of a lot more then what society asks of us. The traditional view of masculinity may have been useful when Sabre-Tooth Tigers were around, but in the modern world it is an anachronism.

    Look at the society's that still hold steadfast to narrow views of what a man is and you will realize that it is not a good place to be (Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan come to mind right away as do some African countries).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 5:49 PM GMT


    Look at the society's that still hold steadfast to narrow views of what a man is and you will realize that it is not a good place to be (Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan come to mind right away as do some African countries).[/quote]


    Yeah and I have been raised in a household like that....well I mean my parents a man can be in touch with his fem side but can't be gay haha. But there has been this overwhelming macho drive in me to be that stereotype. I want to be like I always have, and yet it almost like I feel I am just laughed at my feelings almost sometimes because I dont watch E or I dont care about pop culture or Fashion or other bull shit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 6:02 PM GMT
    Very much so. I used to think something was wrong with me.

    It's much harder for the geekish sorts like me, because we aren't even up to the traditional standards of masculinity in the first place.

    And yeah, sometimes I too get that urge to do something really masculine just to prove that I am a man. But meh, it's pointless. What is 'masculinity' itself anyway, but a social construct.

    So as long as nobody assumes that I am this or that simply because I am gay, I think I can take it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 6:02 PM GMT
    ItsMyLife you are still very young (at least in my mind), you have many years to figure out your potential. I am close to 50 and I still am discovering things about myself. Like you I don't take much interest in fashion or pop culture, I would rather watch a hockey game then the Academy awards.

    I do have some so-called "feminine" characteristics (I hate violent movies and I am naturally monogamous), but a lot more masculine ones. I just keep on truckin', if people don't think I measure up to their pre-conceived notions of what a man is then f**k 'em I got a life to live, and I mean to live it. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 6:03 PM GMT
    ItsMyLife said

    Look at the society's that still hold steadfast to narrow views of what a man is and you will realize that it is not a good place to be (Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan come to mind right away as do some African countries).



    Yeah and I have been raised in a household like that....well I mean my parents a man can be in touch with his fem side but can't be gay haha. But there has been this overwhelming macho drive in me to be that stereotype. I want to be like I always have, and yet it almost like I feel I am just laughed at my feelings almost sometimes because I dont watch E or I dont care about pop culture or Fashion or other bull shit. [/quote]

    Just be yourself, no one can define you as a person. I do not watch E, or pop culture or fashion.... In fact i am a major gear head and would prefer to sit in my garage and drink beer and work on my jeep then to play gay with the princesses. It doesnt make you less of a man, in fact it makes you more of man. Do you know any straight men who could take getting pounded in the arse and enjoy it? That takes some real cojones.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 6:08 PM GMT
    It doesnt make you less of a man, in fact it makes you more of man. Do you know any straight men who could take getting pounded in the arse and enjoy it? That takes some real cojones.[/quote]


    hahaha puts a new meaning on take it like a man huh? hahaha


    Yeah but here is my problem. I an a huge gear head myself and love cars I restored a 74 plymouth valiant two years ago and loved it. Yet once again I wish I could like have some other gay friends who like the same thing i do. I am tired of being the weird one to coin a term put on me since I was 4, I mean if there was a gay car club or anything like that I would go and there isn't I looked in LA but who knows maybe I am not looking hard enough. I just would like to hang out with other gay guys like me and then maybe I wont feel so insecure about myself because then I can at least say its not only me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 6:13 PM GMT
    There is a gay car club in dallas, but i do not think anyone of them work on thier own car. Maybe you should just start your own club?

    Does it matter that the people you hang out with are gay? I mean to be honest, most of my friends are not gay. Its hard to find gay men with the same interests as me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 11:37 PM GMT
    jjdayz saidThere is a gay car club in dallas, but i do not think anyone of them work on thier own car. Maybe you should just start your own club?

    Does it matter that the people you hang out with are gay? I mean to be honest, most of my friends are not gay. Its hard to find gay men with the same interests as me.


    Same here, I am still looking for gay guys that love aviation, economics, sports (especially hockey and baseball), history or nautical stuff. I also like cars, but to be honest I could no more put a car together then give birth.

    BTW I think I drove a Plymouth Valiant from the mid-70s between 82 and 84. Pretty good car if I remember correctly.

    ItsMyLife you are not weird just because you haven't met any gay guys yet that share the same interests. You probably will meet some but it could take some time and digging. Any gay groups I have found in Toronto revolve around sports or outdoor activities, for more specific stuff you will probably bump into individuals through other gay friends or acquaintances.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 11:51 PM GMT
    Um, now I do 'cause of this thread!! But I never have!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 11:51 PM GMT
    When I was your age I still had serious hang ups about being gay. But that was due to heeding the influence of people who still hold backwards and stereotypical notions about what gay men are. My advice: be yourself and don't listen to anyone else's ideas of what you should or shouldn't be.

    For a long time I questioned if I could really be gay because I was always into sports, love fast cars, getting dirty outdoors, etc. But at some point I realized that there is no conflict between enjoying those things and being gay. The only conflict comes when you buy into the stereotypes of what many people think a gay man is... the swishy, limp wristed, lisping drama queen who loves fashion, shopping, and pop culture.

    Again, be yourself and don't let anyone else define what you're "supposed" to be.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jun 26, 2008 11:54 PM GMT
    I'm sure internalized homophobia made its mark. It took me 10 years to come out (I knew at 13 I was gay, but didn't do anything about it till I was 23). The closet can be a damaging place. Not able to reveal who you really are to others. Unable to approach guys you're interested in because you fear being wrong and possibly getting your assed kick. I think I'm a shy guy anyway, but I think I still have trouble approaching guys in part for that reason. So, yeah I don't feel my self-confidence is where it should be. Being gay is part of that, but definitely not all. I'm not sure my parents always did the best job at bolstering my confidence either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 26, 2008 11:54 PM GMT
    hmmm, I'm against joining "gay clubs" not because its full of gay people, that can be very handy, but, because its really just separating your self from everyone else.

    I understand your passion for cars, I am HUGELY into mini's the british version not the BMW.. mm.. make over icon_evil.gif I've yet to have to finances to actually start work but I have my rolling shell all picked out and just waiting for that day to start.

    I'm part of a mini club (although not hugely active) everyone there knows me, none of them really care that I'm gay, they occasionally pick on me about it, but I do it right back, I've never had much of a problem.

    I also love scuba diving, I tried a gay scuba group, wasn't for me, it was just way to full of sexual innuendos, crass jokes, perving and unfortunately I was made to be feel really uncomfortable when I wouldn't put out, I still haven't found the new one yet, but I'm searching for it and it'll be full of straight men.

    I love sailing, heh, in honesty, most sailers I've met don't give a damn that I'm gay, just as long as I can put the sail up fast enough, reef it, jib safely and tack perfectly.

    I also like art, food and lately shopping for clothes (first time in my life I actually think I look good in anything hehehe)

    If any of these guys tried to question my masculinity I'd offer then the chance of checking that my testicles are still there, but in all honesty, I don't think they really see me as any different, they know I'm not there to check them out, they where a little distant at first, but once they realised I was just like them they warmed up and now even there getting a little to warmed up occasionally and enjoy grabbing my arse or getting a little too affectionate!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 27, 2008 1:04 AM GMT
    hey buddy, i think that nothing is wrong with you, in my humble point of view, i think you need to focus in yourself, dont pay attention in if you watch E or that kind stuff, or if you act only like a man or like to explore your soft side, the only thing you must do is BE YOURSELF, and not what are you expected to be.

    the only thing you need to pay attention about others is how much respect are they giving to you. if the people around you dont give you respect, then they dont deserve you.

    PS. i dont watch E, i have deleted all my profiles in other gay sites, because i felt i dont belong there, and the sites i frequently read are realjocks, engadget and news. but you now what? im still gay.

    Arturo.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 27, 2008 1:10 AM GMT
    Hmmmmm....

    The definition of "gay" and "masculine" are completely relative. Don't go by how others define it. Go by how you define it. Make a definition of what it means to be "gay" and "masculine." You do that by being who you are, staying true to yourself, and not compromising for anyone or anything.

    Be you, and only you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 27, 2008 2:15 AM GMT
    I don't think I've ever felt inadequate as a man per se because of being gay.. but I do understand how so many factors today may combine to make an individual feel like their manliness is detracted from by being gay. The whole argument that being gay makes a man 'weak' only really makes sense to me when applied to reproduction. Related to the integrity/strength of the man- I can only say that if I had not been gay or gone through what I have having been gay I would be a much weaker man than I am. Just my two cents. I think if you give into what people (aka society) say you are than perhaps that is weakness, but I don't think you are any less a man in any instance if one can stand up for ones beliefs and stand by them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 27, 2008 2:35 AM GMT
    I go thru that almost every day.
    Only be cause my family is so into church and believe that a gay man will go to hell.
    I know that is why only a few that understand it is not a choice know I am gay. The others I am not ready to let go of. Because I know in my heart they will disown me. Family means to much to me, for me to walk away at this time.
    My dad is one of those souls who thinks all fags will burn in hell. He is the first with a gay joke or rude comment about gay men.
    If I told him, he would never see or talk to me again.
    I know this because, of a long talk I had with my mom when I came out to her.
    She is my best friend at this time. The one person I knwo I can count on. That I trust that will listen and not judge.

    I told her once that I can't go to hell, because she has been so good that in her heaven I am there.
    This of course made her cry, but they were happy tears of starting to understand.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 27, 2008 2:51 AM GMT
    Absolutely not. I'd never feel any differently about myself as being "less" because I'm gay. Absolutely no way.

    What would make me feel less is if I acted "less" meaning who I behave on a daily basis, how I treat other people personally and in business. If I know I'm living my life the right way, thats whats important.

    And think about this a minute, imagine all those "manly" straight men who don't support their children or don't give a damn about their kids or drink or avoid responsibility. What makes a man is behavior and we all can control that!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 27, 2008 2:58 AM GMT
    No. In fact, I feel superior to the hets and their disgusting carbon babies.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 27, 2008 2:59 AM GMT
    I do feel that I am not a straight man. I will readily admit that I do not identify, nor try to match, the feelings, impulses, and perceptions of a straight man.* My brain is wired different. I dont process the stimuli in the world the same way. So dont expect me to react the same way. There are straight men and there are gay men.** They arent the same. And there is nothing wrong with that.

    *I feel that I am 100% gay.

    **Of course, we all know that sexuality is really a continuum from totally straight to totally gay, with guys whose wiring puts them along that continuum.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    Jun 27, 2008 3:11 AM GMT
    Global_Citizen saidWhen I was your age I still had serious hang ups about being gay.



    Yes this primarily an issue with younger guys. Guys also get caught up in "am I too queeny" or "effeminate" in trying to find out who there are. It's much more about character than affectations.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 27, 2008 3:22 AM GMT
    I think I'm more of a man than a lot of straight guys. A lot of them are afraid to wear a bright coloured shirt or sit next to their buddies in movie theatres. It takes a real man to overlook stupid shit like that. The real men I know, straight or gay, are rare; most men are inhibited because of society's perversions.
  • spinningguy

    Posts: 178

    Jun 27, 2008 3:33 AM GMT
    swimbikerun said[quote][


    Yes this primarily an issue with younger guys. Guys also get caught up in "am I too queeny" or "effeminate" in trying to find out who there are. It's much more about character than affectations.


    When I was younger I was sure there was something wrong with me and I wished and prayed every night that this was something I would grow out of...I hoped that there would be some magical pill or some medical device that would come along and make me straight or "normal" or a whole man.

    Eventually you learn that labels and other peoples expectations are not who you are. And through exploration and growing older you realize you are more than just the label that society slaps on you.

    One of the greatest feelings was the day I woke up and realized that even if their was a pill that would make me straight I would have no interest in taking it, because this is how I am and this is who I was meant to be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 27, 2008 3:36 AM GMT
    Men are men.
    Gay men and straight men have much more in common than not.
    Gay men are not sexually attracted to females - period.
    That is the only separating factor.
    All other male attributes are shared by both gay men and straight men.
    MOST PEOPLE OVERVALUE THE DIFFERENCE AND UNDERVALUE THE VAST SIMILARITIES.
    It's likely human nature because we do this regarding race and gender as well.

    To define oneself by one's sexual interest is very limiting.
    If others choose to define you based on your sexuality that's their choice.
    You owe it to yourself to accept your sexuality as it was handed to you - but don't lose your individuality in it.
    Your sexuality is important, but it ain't everything.
    Humans are much more than that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 27, 2008 3:46 AM GMT
    To answer your first question "do you feel like less of a man .." HELL NO! lol Have I felt looked down upon when someone found out? yeah but I saw that as the other persons problem. I came out at 31 after I had time to come to my own conclusions at my own pace about who I was and I think that helped. I never let anyone force me into doing something I didn't want to do.

    But consider this, some guys feel like other straight guys are less of a man and it has nothing to do with sexuality. It has to do more with the old alpha dog mentality like jocks vs. nerds. If you can find your inner confidence or alpha dog you can just brush other peoples opinions off and evaluate yourself according to your own criteria and not someone else's.

    In some forms of thinking though, making yourself nothing can elevate you higher than making yourself something that you are not.