Some things are better left unsaid?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2012 3:40 AM GMT
    Just a hypothetical question, I'm not involved with anyone at the moment.

    Would you rather a guy slowly drift apart, or give you an explanation?

    Before you say explanation, it's not going to work no matter what you say and he's done, and he's just going to let you know how he feels and explain himself.

    Could you handle the truth?

    Curious to hear...
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    Jan 31, 2012 4:26 AM GMT
    I would want to know. If anything so you will know where you (or him) went wrong. If you were in love at some point, the other person at least deserves one last shot of honesty. There is nothing left to lose....icon_neutral.gif
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    Jan 31, 2012 4:56 AM GMT
    yup the truth, I've been in that situation, listened carefully and accepted what he had to say.

    He did the same.

    We are living together as room mates these days and its awesome, we make great friends and we have no interest in each other sexually.

    I love the guy to bits and want him to be happy.

    It was sad though cause the guy he was seeing (total cutie btw) had to leave australia and go home and while he didn't show it I could tell he was sad icon_sad.gif which was awful cause I like it best when he's happy.

    But ah well lots of other fish in the sea.

    Oh and yeah we've met each others boyfriends, we all like each other and get along just fine and no awkwardness at all icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 31, 2012 5:16 AM GMT
    yeah.. 'Closure' instead of 'Wondering'
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    Jan 31, 2012 5:49 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidI would want to know. If anything so you will know where you (or him) went wrong. If you were in love at some point, the other person at least deserves one last shot of honesty. There is nothing left to lose....icon_neutral.gif


    To know where you went wrong, hmm..makes sense. Thanks for responding icon_smile.gif

    lilTanker saidyup the truth, I've been in that situation, listened carefully and accepted what he had to say.

    He did the same.

    We are living together as room mates these days and its awesome, we make great friends and we have no interest in each other sexually.

    I love the guy to bits and want him to be happy.

    It was sad though cause the guy he was seeing (total cutie btw) had to leave australia and go home and while he didn't show it I could tell he was sad icon_sad.gif which was awful cause I like it best when he's happy.

    But ah well lots of other fish in the sea.

    Oh and yeah we've met each others boyfriends, we all like each other and get along just fine and no awkwardness at all icon_biggrin.gif


    That's amazing and shows the caliber of human beings you two are. It's awesome how deeply you care for his happiness, Extreme kudos!

    hobbes2012 saidyeah.. 'Closure' instead of 'Wondering'


    Ahhh yes, wondering isn't fun.
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    Jan 31, 2012 5:50 AM GMT
    Thanks for the responses, I've heard of people who say "He stopped asking how my day was and eventually I came home one day and all of his things were gone."

    I don't understand that, so I had to ask around...I'd want an answer.
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    Jan 31, 2012 5:51 AM GMT
    THE TRUTH.
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    Jan 31, 2012 5:53 AM GMT
    GigoloAssassin saidTHE TRUTH.


    You'd rather it be unspoken? Interesting. Thanks for sharing icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 31, 2012 5:57 AM GMT
    Having a guy be completely straightforward and tell you without trepidation "look, this isn't working out, it's best we part ways" or "I had a good time on our date but I don't think we should see each other again" is a luxury you are SELDOM going to get. The majority of guys will just ignore the situation until it goes away without having the balls to confront it.
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    Jan 31, 2012 6:01 AM GMT
    Ariodante saidHaving a guy be completely straightforward and tell you without trepidation "look, this isn't working out, it's best we part ways" or "I had a good time on our date but I don't think we should see each other again" is a luxury you are SELDOM going to get. The majority of guys will just ignore the situation until it goes away without having the balls to confront it.


    Hmmm...I would say that, but then perhaps being so straightforward is why I have yet to be in a relationship. Oh well.
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    Jan 31, 2012 6:04 AM GMT
    Actually just happened tonight. Say it, let the person know. It lets you have some type of closure. It is also not fair. Your friends ask what happened and you have to say, I don't know. That's messed up.
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    Jan 31, 2012 6:06 AM GMT
    GrownBoy said
    GigoloAssassin saidTHE TRUTH.


    You'd rather it be unspoken? Interesting. Thanks for sharing icon_smile.gif


    I'm sorry, maybe I need to clarify?
    Id rather the Truth be told. Yes it'll hurt, but after that you accept it and learn to move on. It's the only way.
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    Jan 31, 2012 6:07 AM GMT
    GigoloAssassin said
    GrownBoy said
    GigoloAssassin saidTHE TRUTH.


    You'd rather it be unspoken? Interesting. Thanks for sharing icon_smile.gif


    I'm sorry, maybe I need to clarify?
    Id rather the Truth be told. Yes it'll hurt, but after that you accept it and learn to move on. It's the only way.


    Ohh thought you were responding to the thread title haha, my bad.
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    Jan 31, 2012 8:01 AM GMT
    TRUTH TRUTH GIMME DAT TRUTH!!

    It's a chance to find out something about ourselves and make improvements if the other person had a point.

    Otherwise, another bag of self-doubt gets dropped on us to carry around for life.
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    Jan 31, 2012 8:05 AM GMT
    I'm with the guys casting their lot under "explanation".

    Drifting apart, without a defining event, leaves an open wound and unresolved questions that hamper closure. It sucks donkey.
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    Jan 31, 2012 8:10 AM GMT
    The truth will set you free. The truth hurts, but so does getting shot at with paint balls. I'd rather have someone be completely straight up with me instead of beating around the bush. Along with an explanation, I would move along just fine
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    Jan 31, 2012 8:15 AM GMT
    "Just drift away" is wut douche bags do. Everyone deserves closure
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    Jan 31, 2012 8:19 AM GMT
    Honesty is the MOST important quality someone could have. If they can't tell you the exact reason for wanting to leave or leave you before they start cheating, then 1. they never truly loved you and 2. are a horrible person. I have had to face both numbers previously mentioned from someone that begged me to move in, fell madly in "love" with me and said I was the one for over 11 months of our relationship. They cheated on me, talked on line to people and all the while, was telling me the same nice things without me even knowing what was wrong. I personally would want the man I love that I've given my body, soul, heart etc. to tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth- it's pretty immature/disgusting/cowardly not to say the truth or the reason.

    That said, if you are dealing with the fact that someone is indifferent to your emotions/won't give you closure, take solace in knowing their cowardly actions are their cross to bare, NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Best thing you can do is tell people the truth- I've had to on a first date get up and tell the person I don't want to waste their time. I've even had to harshly tell awful people or people I don't mesh with the exact reality of the situation. I believe you are doing someone a service by telling them the truth because they then get to find their own path. Don't mislead someone down a path that you're not willing to accompany them on when the road derails before it reaches the destination....
  • HndsmKansan

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    Jan 31, 2012 8:27 AM GMT
    Absolutely hear the truth. I think it important to listen and consider what was said, without getting all defensive. I know I can listen to somebody
    who may be critical of me, my behavior or approach (and really listen).
    Maybe even ask some questions. Whether or not you really believe or want to accept it is another point. There might be some validity in what was said...... and it might be more about him, not you.
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    Jan 31, 2012 8:38 AM GMT
    Hmm...

    I know this sounds really corny and you may think I am crazy..but...


    I have gone through a lot of really difficult hardships in my youth (hence, I volunteer for a cancer organization) and I have come to realize one thing about dating and relationships:

    Whenever you meet someone and you don't know where it is headed, it is very frustrating. I am not trying to be preachy and it doesn't really have to do with religion or spirituality, but I always pray to God and say "Please God, if someone is meant to be in my life and have a relationship with me, then keep them in my life, but if they are not meant to be in my life, then please show me so we can go our own way"

    And whatever happens, whether a blunt response or slowly drifting apart..just be happy and know that God is looking out for you and it is for the best.

    I wish you all the best in your quest to find happiness...

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    Just my two cents..
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    Jan 31, 2012 9:24 AM GMT
    I'd rather have the truth so I know what happened and have closure. Just not knowing makes it harder.
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    Jan 31, 2012 10:23 AM GMT
    If it's his decision, I prefer closure and some type of explanaton. But that doesn't always happen. Sometimes you just have to close it yourself. I think the most difficult thing is you yourself having to make that decision instead of relying on him. It's not easy, but at least that way you control your own destiny instead of someone else doing it.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 31, 2012 11:09 AM GMT
    Sometimes "things left unsaid" can be more damaging to a relationship than if you and he had a "battle royale" and aired it all out.

    My long term bf and I broke up earlier this month over nothing specific, just a bunch of silly, stupid issues: missed signals, incorrect intrepretations of what the other texted, emailed or said taken in the wrong context, our own mutual mood swings that the other intrepretated totally wrong and other trivial stuff that took on a "life of it's own" because we kept it all buried and let it burn.

    We have spent some time apart, with NO texting, just an occasional calm, non-confrontational, well thought out email explaining what the other found so irritating in the other. a couple of compromises have been agreed on in both of our's behavior and personality issues.

    We just might eventually become close friends again, perhaps infrequent FWB again.

    There's just "something" about the other that we both need to have in our lives.
  • rnch

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    Jan 31, 2012 11:12 AM GMT
    bighairymuscles said...Whenever you meet someone and you don't know where it is headed, it is very frustrating. I am not trying to be preachy and it doesn't really have to do with religion or spirituality, but I always pray to God and say "Please God, if someone is meant to be in my life and have a relationship with me, then keep them in my life, but if they are not meant to be in my life, then please show me so we can go our own way....


    I have mumbled/thought a slight variation of this prayer quite often in the last month or so.


    icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 31, 2012 11:19 AM GMT
    I'd much rather that he say something. I can't handle silence.