How to deal with the BF's ex that

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 02, 2012 8:49 AM GMT
    I have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months now, things are going well between us. The actual relationship between us seems really good. He is very caring, tactile and romantic. He is also very attractive well built and hung, great kisser and good in bed...sounds perfect right?

    BUT there is always a but. He is currently living with his ex husband who he was married to for 4 years and I am not happy about it, so let me break it down.

    He rents a 2 bedroom apartment. All his and his ex's belongings, clothes and personal items are still in the main bedroom. The ex sleeps in the main bedroom and he sleeps in the 2nd bedroom (weekends). My bf gets dressed, gets ready etc in the main bedroom.

    My bf pays for the rent, most of the food and even the ex's iTunes and mobile phone!

    During the week the 2nd bedroom is rented out to a businessman, so during the week he actually sleeps in the same bed as his ex, however sometimes he sleeps on the sofa. He says to me that he has not sexual interest or contact with his ex that they are 'best friends'.

    His ex rules the roost. He shouts at my bf to clean up - he basically runs the household. So its like they are still a married couple minus the sex.

    I have said before that I don't feel comfortable about it but he says he doesn't see a problem since there is no sexual contact and his ex is just his best friend.

    His ex pretends to be friendly to me but I can see its just an act and now my bf has started trying to make us both hang out...like inviting his ex with us for coffee or to the theatre.

    Whenever I visit him the ex is there and it kinda feels like we have an edited relationship - because we don't speak freely when he is there and he is always there and we can't be intimate because there is no room during the week only weekends.

    I don't feel comfortable about this whole 3-way situation but I am known to be too difficult so don't want to make a big deal about it.

    His ex cannot afford to rent his own place and my bf feels sorry for him and doesn't want to kick him onto the street although he has said that he wants him to move out but I don't think it will happen anytime soon.

    My bf wants his ex as a best friend, but they don't act like friends they act like an unhappy married couple. His ex is using him for everything from food to clothes.

    ADVICE TAKEN THUS FAR:

    - Be very to the point and tell him that I am not happy with him living with his ex, I think its unhealthy, I feel like the 3rd party and it makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't think its normal regardless of what he thinks.

    - Insist on activities just being us two.


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    Feb 02, 2012 9:27 AM GMT
    I don't even know where to start.

    funny-toilet-lip-gloss-kisses.jpg

    Ask him to finish breaking up with his husband?
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    Feb 02, 2012 1:39 PM GMT
    Torch the apartment and everything in it, paying particular attention to the ex-bf's belongings.
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    Feb 02, 2012 1:45 PM GMT
    SkinnyBitch saidI don't even know where to start.

    funny-toilet-lip-gloss-kisses.jpg

    Ask him to finish breaking up with his husband?


    Sounds like he hasn't fully detached himself from his "ex". Take above advice.
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    Feb 02, 2012 1:49 PM GMT
    He lives with his ex, sleeps on the same bed as his ex for most of the week, pays his ex's bills and obeys his ex like a bitch?
    Are you sure they divorced?
    Talk to him about it, it's a very weird scenario and unless you love this man like the man of your life, I see no point in going forward with it.
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    Feb 02, 2012 1:53 PM GMT
    He is tactile? Are you sure you don't mean tactful? There is a huge difference.
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    Feb 02, 2012 1:55 PM GMT
    Hmmm. I don't think your BF is ready to be dating if he can't break the cord with his ex yet and is still living with him in those conditions. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. One where you end up getting hurt.

    Being friends with an ex is fine and dandy but living with one, especially in that manner like your bf is, is another story and raises a few questions to the BF's commitment to you.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Feb 02, 2012 2:00 PM GMT
    SpecialGuy2011 saidI have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months now, things are going well between us. The actual relationship between us seems really good. He is very caring, tactile and romantic. He is also very attractive well built and hung, great kisser and good in bed...sounds perfect right?

    BUT there is always a but. He is currently living with his ex husband who he was married to for 4 years and I am not happy about it, so let me break it down.

    He rents a 2 bedroom apartment. All his and his ex's belongings, clothes and personal items are still in the main bedroom. The ex sleeps in the main bedroom and he sleeps in the 2nd bedroom (weekends). My bf gets dressed, gets ready etc in the main bedroom.

    My ex pays for the rent, most of the food and even the ex's iTunes and mobile phone!

    During the week the 2nd bedroom is rented out to a businessman, so during the week he actually sleeps in the same bed as his ex, however sometimes he sleeps on the sofa. He says to me that he has not sexual interest or contact with his ex that they are 'best friends'.

    His ex rules the roost. He shouts at my bf to clean up - he basically runs the household. So its like they are still a married couple minus the sex.

    I have said before that I don't feel comfortable about it but he says he doesn't see a problem since there is no sexual contact and his ex is just his best friend.

    His ex pretends to be friendly to me but I can see its just an act and now my bf has started trying to make us both hang out...like inviting his ex with us for coffee or to the theatre.

    Whenever I visit him the ex is there and it kinda feels like we have an edited relationship - because we don't speak freely when he is there and he is always there and we can't be intimate because there is no room during the week only weekends.

    I don't feel comfortable about this whole 3-way situation but I am known to be too difficult so don't want to make a big deal about it.

    His ex cannot afford to rent his own place and my bf feels sorry for him and doesn't want to kick him onto the street although he has said that he wants him to move out but I don't think it will happen anytime soon.

    My bf wants his ex as a best friend, but they don't act like friends they act like an unhappy married couple. His ex is using him for everything from food to clothes.
    OK did you know this going to the relationship because if you did than you have no one to blame for this but yourself. The only thing you can do is to kill the ex with kindness. Also you should ask the bf to stay over your place during the week. However, I do not think he would do that. Anyhow, it seems you are at fault for dating a guy who is still living with his ex. Listen, I say suck it up and just deal with it. But always keep your eye on the ex and be really nice to him. that way you will not have to worry about him. Oh and you get brownie points from your bf
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    Feb 02, 2012 2:16 PM GMT
    SpecialGuy2011 saidMy bf wants his ex as a best friend, but they don't act like friends they act like an unhappy married couple.

    WOW, I agree with some above, very unique arrangement. I can't think of another similar situation with which I can draw a close parallel for guidance.

    I'm always dubious of a love triangle, which I suppose this is nearest to becoming. First, I think you have a right to tell your BF that you're not happy with these 3-person dates and other times together. Or is he paying for both you and his ex? Pay your own way and insist on it being just the 2 of you.

    If he won't accept your request then you have stronger evidence that your evaluation is correct: they are an unhappy married couple, with your BF trying to shake things up a bit in their relationship.

    You need to determine if they are really "divorced" or just undergoing the equivalent of a trial separation. They sound to still be very domesticated together, their lives entirely intertwined, if not entirely happily. If you can't get exclusive rights to your BF, then you should move on. This will not end well for you if the status quo continues.
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    Feb 02, 2012 2:38 PM GMT

    "My ex pays for the rent, most of the food and even the ex's iTunes and mobile phone!"


    It sounds like you've already broken up with him.
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    Feb 02, 2012 2:41 PM GMT
    Kill him or fuck him and then kill him.

    Either way is effective.
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    Feb 02, 2012 2:44 PM GMT
    Yeah.. no! icon_confused.gif
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    Feb 02, 2012 3:01 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidTorch the apartment and everything in it, paying particular attention to the ex-bf's belongings.


    Paying specific attention to the ex? icon_lol.gif
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    Feb 02, 2012 3:03 PM GMT
    Ask your bf to move in with you...sans ex?

    Run a quantitative analysis to demonstrate to you bf that it is more cost effective to ditch the ex and shack up with you.

    Also, give him more and better head to seal the deal.
  • runnin_stud

    Posts: 54

    Feb 02, 2012 3:05 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidHmmm. I don't think your BF is ready to be dating if he can't break the cord with his ex yet and is still living him with in those conditions. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. One where you ends up getting hurt.

    Being friends with an ex is fine and dandy but living with one, especially in that manner like your bf is, is another story and raises a few questions to the BF's commitment to you.


    The only way to fix this situation would be to get out of it! I have a friend going through the same exact thing. Honestly, save yourself the heartache!

    If you really care about your boyfriend and he continues to not respect your wishes by not working towards moving out of his ex-husband's, then he is not ready to begin a new relationship. And your actions of allowing him to continue this behavior coupled with him continuing to do so produce a deadly combination leading to an emotionally abusive relationship where he realizes he can easily take advantage of you.

    Even if he is the greatest guy, everyone needs time to heal. While everyone heals differently, healing requires at least some distance, and your boyfriend lacks that distance. Sorry... I know this must be hard.
  • Fact

    Posts: 249

    Feb 02, 2012 3:06 PM GMT
    EHH. DUMP HIM.
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    Feb 02, 2012 5:54 PM GMT
    DatBeef saidHe lives with his ex, sleeps on the same bed as his ex for most of the week, pays his ex's bills and obeys his ex like a bitch?
    Are you sure they divorced?
    Talk to him about it, it's a very weird scenario and unless you love this man like the man of your life, I see no point in going forward with it.


    I think you may be right icon_cry.gif
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    Feb 02, 2012 5:56 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc said
    SpecialGuy2011 saidI have been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months now, things are going well between us. The actual relationship between us seems really good. He is very caring, tactile and romantic. He is also very attractive well built and hung, great kisser and good in bed...sounds perfect right?

    BUT there is always a but. He is currently living with his ex husband who he was married to for 4 years and I am not happy about it, so let me break it down.

    He rents a 2 bedroom apartment. All his and his ex's belongings, clothes and personal items are still in the main bedroom. The ex sleeps in the main bedroom and he sleeps in the 2nd bedroom (weekends). My bf gets dressed, gets ready etc in the main bedroom.

    My ex pays for the rent, most of the food and even the ex's iTunes and mobile phone!

    During the week the 2nd bedroom is rented out to a businessman, so during the week he actually sleeps in the same bed as his ex, however sometimes he sleeps on the sofa. He says to me that he has not sexual interest or contact with his ex that they are 'best friends'.

    His ex rules the roost. He shouts at my bf to clean up - he basically runs the household. So its like they are still a married couple minus the sex.

    I have said before that I don't feel comfortable about it but he says he doesn't see a problem since there is no sexual contact and his ex is just his best friend.

    His ex pretends to be friendly to me but I can see its just an act and now my bf has started trying to make us both hang out...like inviting his ex with us for coffee or to the theatre.

    Whenever I visit him the ex is there and it kinda feels like we have an edited relationship - because we don't speak freely when he is there and he is always there and we can't be intimate because there is no room during the week only weekends.

    I don't feel comfortable about this whole 3-way situation but I am known to be too difficult so don't want to make a big deal about it.

    His ex cannot afford to rent his own place and my bf feels sorry for him and doesn't want to kick him onto the street although he has said that he wants him to move out but I don't think it will happen anytime soon.

    My bf wants his ex as a best friend, but they don't act like friends they act like an unhappy married couple. His ex is using him for everything from food to clothes.
    OK did you know this going to the relationship because if you did than you have no one to blame for this but yourself. The only thing you can do is to kill the ex with kindness. Also you should ask the bf to stay over your place during the week. However, I do not think he would do that. Anyhow, it seems you are at fault for dating a guy who is still living with his ex. Listen, I say suck it up and just deal with it. But always keep your eye on the ex and be really nice to him. that way you will not have to worry about him. Oh and you get brownie points from your bf
    I have been trying to and have been quite good at it except last night I kinda slipped and bit and was mildly insulting towards the ex...the thing is I don't enjoy pretending its not me!
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    Feb 02, 2012 5:58 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    SpecialGuy2011 saidMy bf wants his ex as a best friend, but they don't act like friends they act like an unhappy married couple.

    WOW, I agree with some above, very unique arrangement. I can't think of another similar situation with which I can draw a close parallel for guidance.

    I'm always dubious of a love triangle, which I suppose this is nearest to becoming. First, I think you have a right to tell your BF that you're not happy with these 3-person dates and other times together. Or is he paying for both you and his ex? Pay your own way and insist on it being just the 2 of you.

    If he won't accept your request then you have stronger evidence that your evaluation is correct: they are an unhappy married couple, with your BF trying to shake things up a bit in their relationship.

    You need to determine if they are really "divorced" or just undergoing the equivalent of a trial separation. They sound to still be very domesticated together, their lives entirely intertwined, if not entirely happily. If you can't get exclusive rights to your BF, then you should move on. This will not end well for you if the status quo continues.
    I pay my own way. His argument is that his ex is his 'best friend'. I find it difficult to argue that point. I will take your advice and insist that it just be the 2 of us.
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    Feb 02, 2012 6:00 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidAsk your bf to move in with you...sans ex?

    Run a quantitative analysis to demonstrate to you bf that it is more cost effective to ditch the ex and shack up with you.

    Also, give him more and better head to seal the deal.
    hehe he gets loads of head I can't get enough of his equipment. He might move to another place with me, but he wouldn't stay with me, as his place is much nicer.
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    Feb 02, 2012 6:02 PM GMT
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    Feb 02, 2012 6:02 PM GMT
    runnin_stud said
    Guy101 saidHmmm. I don't think your BF is ready to be dating if he can't break the cord with his ex yet and is still living him with in those conditions. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. One where you ends up getting hurt.

    Being friends with an ex is fine and dandy but living with one, especially in that manner like your bf is, is another story and raises a few questions to the BF's commitment to you.


    The only way to fix this situation would be to get out of it! I have a friend going through the same exact thing. Honestly, save yourself the heartache!

    If you really care about your boyfriend and he continues to not respect your wishes by not working towards moving out of his ex-husband's, then he is not ready to begin a new relationship. And your actions of allowing him to continue this behavior coupled with him continuing to do so produce a deadly combination leading to an emotionally abusive relationship where he realizes he can easily take advantage of you.

    Even if he is the greatest guy, everyone needs time to heal. While everyone heals differently, healing requires at least some distance, and your boyfriend lacks that distance. Sorry... I know this must be hard.
    To be fair I have not pushed the subject too much. I have mentioned it a few times and he says he doesn't see any problem. Maybe I should just come out again and say I am not happy with him living with the ex period.
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    Feb 02, 2012 6:03 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like the BF has an open-relationship with his existing and current husband and you are the third party.
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    Feb 02, 2012 6:05 PM GMT
    My bf pays for the rent, most of the food and even the ex's iTunes and mobile phone!

    Red light! His willingness to put up with his former husband is concerning and it sounds like a lot of the issues rest with him and not the other guy.

    The other problem, despite their ending their marriage... they were together for 4 years and you have 4 months with him. He may very well choose the other guy over you, so be careful.
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    Feb 02, 2012 6:05 PM GMT
    YVRguy saidSounds to me like the BF has an open-relationship with his existing and current husband and you are the third party.
    Thanks for this it really does sum up how I feel!