Should I temporarily cut off ties with my sister?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 03, 2012 7:59 PM GMT
    okay some background info, as a kid i probably harassed many and even my sister but I was always protective of her, though she may not know then.

    Our love for each other only grew stronger and became obvious though she was 6 years younger than me, I always protected her from the wrath of my parents and gave her advise on how to deal with guys, life etc and she basically now has the world around her fingers.

    However recently I was disturbed when i met some of her friends who dint know i was gay and are extremely homophobic because they were either super religious christians or it was an extension of the black culture for some of her black friends.

    I found out when she posted something against a biggot having a homophobic arguments which sparked an anti gay debates and comments. In response i did tried to educate them which probably resulted in nothing knowing biggots.

    what bothers me more is why does my sister keep these closed minded friends from high school now that she is in university in a much better environment? If someone talked shit about my sister I would have easily shut them down, blocked and deleted them right away and if it was in person, I dont care how big they were i would make sure they felt it in a fight.

    I feel really uncomfortable that she still keeps them and still talks to them, worse is she said hardly did anything to protect me or defend me when her anti-gay friends were ganging up on me... I feel betrayed and I'm starting to feel she is a weak individual that has been too pampered and used to having things done for her either because she was young in the family or because guys do things for her cause shes very pretty and lady like; my personal value has been to never keep individuals without a strong backbone around because i simply cannot respect them as equals. Maybe I am overreacting but i cannot imagine a family member not standing up for family, I feel this is big and this alone is enough for me not not associate with her.

    Looking for perspectives, as I do not make impulsive or rash decisions.
  • mizu5

    Posts: 2599

    Feb 03, 2012 8:06 PM GMT
    I think you need to let her know you are hurt, but maybe blocking her out isn't the worst idea for a bit. It would certainly send a message.
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    Feb 04, 2012 12:28 AM GMT
    Agreed, you should let her know you are hurt by her actions, however, I don't agree with cutting ties with her. I would be very open to her response on why she didn't defend you and build from there. Temporary can become permanent, so be careful on that end. Better to be the stronger, good example of a big brother and in time she will understand better.
  • DrewT

    Posts: 1327

    Feb 04, 2012 12:51 AM GMT
    Let her know your feelings. She is probably unaware of how hurt you are, and she probably doesn't understand your reaction.
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    Feb 04, 2012 1:00 AM GMT
    Talk to your sister. Let her know that her silence and choice of friends is offensive. Also, you won't spend much time with her while she hangs around those friends. After that it's her move.
    Life is too short to have toxic people in yours.

    My brother became one of those bigots. I see him only a few days out of the year, and that's plenty.
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    Feb 04, 2012 1:08 AM GMT
    My thoughts are:

    1) Ask her these questions:
    -What did/do you think of the antigay comments your friends said/say?
    -How do you think think I feel when they say those comments about me?
    -How would you have acted if you were in my shoes and someone made comments about you?
    -How would you feel if my friends were disreptful to you and ganged up on you and I did nothing and continued to be friends with them?

    2) Keep in mind that she's 19 years old, which is very young. She can't even buy liquor.
    3) Her friends are likely also very young, which means likely also, very stupid and totally inexperienced in the world. Whether Christian culture or black culture, you're just spouting off shit you've been told when you're that young. When they get out into the real world, they will decide for themselves. That isn't an excuse but at least you know not to waste your breath trying to reason with ignorant people, especially when they're that young.
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    Feb 04, 2012 1:09 AM GMT
    No. And you should not dictate who her friends should be.

    You're hurt, that's understandable but to cut ties with her is a bit extreme and immature. Speak up and express your feelings. Ask her for her thoughts on homosexuality. On racism. On atheism and so forth so you get a clear idea of what her ideals are and where her ideas are coming from. Talk about your thoughts, experience. This line of communication will strengthen the bond between the two of you and may give her the courage to speak her mind about certain issues that she never thought of. You may learn new things about your sister that you didn't know.

    Later on, she may have a whole new set of friends by her own choosing, not yours. Still, if she decides to retain her friendship with them, that's her choice. Who knows? She just may lead them in a positive direction. Isn't that what you hope will happen?
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    Feb 04, 2012 1:12 AM GMT
    Cutting off your sister because of statements others have made, sounds foolish to me. She is blood of your blood. Don't let anything come in between the two of you. Talk to her and express your feelings.
    My sister is my best friend. We can talk about anything.
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    Feb 04, 2012 1:37 AM GMT
    Pretty much agreeing to what most of the guys have said here.

    You're the older brother and I think its time for you to have a talk with her in private about these matters.

    You can't dictate who she can or can not hang out with but yes you do have the right to keep a cordial distance with her when it comes to her friends.
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    Feb 04, 2012 1:42 AM GMT
    BitchGoddess saidShe sounds spoiled, and you've contributed to spoiling her.

    She needs to grow up, and you won't help her do that if you stop speaking to her. You're going to have to sit her down and calmly explain that you're hurt not by anything she did (she'd be aware of that) but by what she failed to do (stick up for the older brother who'd always been there for her).

    Let her know, gently, that as you're now both adults, it's a two-way street. She has to demonstrate her love and affection for you the way you've always done for her.

    Your post indicates that you are anything but calm right now; in fact, you're hurt and you're seething with anger. That's okay, it's a normal response----but let it pass before you talk to her. Srsly.



    I agree with BitchGoddess 100%
  • mybud

    Posts: 11832

    Feb 04, 2012 1:48 AM GMT
    I read through this and I got one question.......Have you told your sister how this makes you feel?...Why would you cut her off when you haven't bought this issue up to her? She's not a mind reader when it comes to your feelings....Make a date with her for coffee...tell her your insight....Give her a chance...Me personally was raised in a Hispanic family...Blood ties are the strongest...look back at your roots...boyfriends...friends..come and go but a sister's love is forever.........My two cents.
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    Feb 04, 2012 2:02 AM GMT
    pretty much what everyone has said here.
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    Feb 04, 2012 2:15 AM GMT
    You do have a legitimate reason to be offended. Like other said, you must express how you feel about it but you have no right to dictate who her friends should be. Also, a lot of people stay friends with their high school pals forever. Being in a university is no excuse to not be friends with high school mates but that is a different issue.

    The only people you should cut ties (permanently) is her friends. Her friends are her friends and not yours. Stop socializing with them. Delete them from your facebook account and you don't have to argue with everyone. Pick and choose your batttles. There will be a lot of people in your sister's life who will or will not be homophobic. It is up to your sister to decide what is best for her. Your relationship is with her, as long as she does not give you any hard time about being gay, there is no reason to cut ties.

  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Feb 04, 2012 2:19 AM GMT
    you're gonna cut ur sister off because she isn't standing up for ur faggotry??
    Perhaps it makes her feel uncomfortable to stand up for it. Maybe she doesn't know how to defend it? She prob has nothing to say. . . I mean I don't think ur sister asked to be a defender of gay people the world over. ... Just because YOU are gay, doesn't mean she has to defend it.

    u could have stood up for ur sister ur whole childhood, but when you're adults, it's different.

    dude, honestly, let it go.

    Your sister can choose any friends she wants and she has that right.
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    Feb 04, 2012 2:22 AM GMT
    Import said, ". . I mean I don't think ur sister asked to be a defender of gay people the world over. ..."

    He didn't ask her to be.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Feb 04, 2012 2:24 AM GMT
    meninlove said Import said, ". . I mean I don't think ur sister asked to be a defender of gay people the world over. ..."

    He didn't ask her to be.


    well, in a way.....he's expecting her to stick up for gays to her biggoted friends..

    maybe she doesnt want to. Deep down, maybe she agrees with the biggoted friends, hence the reason she has them around, yet im sure she still loves her brother. .

    I have a brother who does lots of things I dont agree with, yet I still love him. I dont judge him based on his stupid ass friends, what they say, etc.

  • 6114mk

    Posts: 1

    Feb 04, 2012 2:24 AM GMT
    FootballHawk saidokay some background info, as a kid i probably harassed many and even my sister but I was always protective of her, though she may not know then.

    Our love for each other only grew stronger and became obvious though she was 6 years younger than me, I always protected her from the wrath of my parents and gave her advise on how to deal with guys, life etc and she basically now has the world around her fingers.

    However recently I was disturbed when i met some of her friends who dint know i was gay and are extremely homophobic because they were either super religious christians or it was an extension of the black culture for some of her black friends.

    I found out when she posted something against a biggot having a homophobic arguments which sparked an anti gay debates and comments. In response i did tried to educate them which probably resulted in nothing knowing biggots.

    what bothers me more is why does my sister keep these closed minded friends from high school now that she is in university in a much better environment? If someone talked shit about my sister I would have easily shut them down, blocked and deleted them right away and if it was in person, I dont care how big they were i would make sure they felt it in a fight.

    I feel really uncomfortable that she still keeps them and still talks to them, worse is she said hardly did anything to protect me or defend me when her anti-gay friends were ganging up on me... I feel betrayed and I'm starting to feel she is a weak individual that has been too pampered and used to having things done for her either because she was young in the family or because guys do things for her cause shes very pretty and lady like; my personal value has been to never keep individuals without a strong backbone around because i simply cannot respect them as equals. Maybe I am overreacting but i cannot imagine a family member not standing up for family, I feel this is big and this alone is enough for me not not associate with her.

    Looking for perspectives, as I do not make impulsive or rash decisions.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2012 2:27 AM GMT
    Import said
    meninlove said Import said, ". . I mean I don't think ur sister asked to be a defender of gay people the world over. ..."

    He didn't ask her to be.


    well, in a way.....he's expecting her to stick up for gays to her biggoted friends..

    maybe she doesnt want to. Deep down, maybe she agrees with the biggoted friends, hence the reason she has them around, yet im sure she still loves her brother. .

    I have a brother who does lots of things I dont agree with, yet I still love him. I dont judge him based on his stupid ass friends, what they say, etc.





    Import is right. He did expect her to defend him and he made a very clear statement about it in his post.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 04, 2012 2:30 AM GMT
    This post is very timely. I'm in the middle of a fight with my sister who is six years younger also, but she is in her mid twenties whereas yours would be in her late teens. Even more so in your case, I have the feeling your sister is very insecure and is trying to belong instead of just being herself, as is mine. All your feelings of being hurt are completely valid. I do want to point out that the times where little sisters stand up for their older brothers are rare in it of itself. Combine that with the fact that she made poor choices with friends to begin with and to an outsider like me, it's clear that she doesn't understand what she's doing to you.

    My advice: you do your best to sit down with her one on one and say how big a deal it is that she associates with such friends. If she's so insecure as to choose her friends over you, then you reassess the situation and to ask yourself if you can live with it. If you can't, you let her know you can't and you cut her off. My family is Asian and we're a stubborn breed, myself included and I have taken drastic actions of not speaking to my sister when all else fails. In that sense, we've always worked things through.
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    Feb 04, 2012 3:18 AM GMT
    Import, To clear things up, This issue is about respect. Culturally our family operates exactly like a mafia family. We do always stick up for other members and we have a family head for every proceeding generation.

    Fag or not, I am the head not just amongst my immediate family but also a leader figure amongst my cousins. It's paramount to have a backbone and stick up for each other.

    I know what my sister's opinions of homosexuality are (very pro) and I also know her allegiances to me, However it is disrespect when someone runs their mouth about a family member and a family member is quite about it. I do not care what the issue is feminism, homosexuality, money, business whatever Unless the family member in question has no self respect over his actions it's another story but fact is even my cousins abroad did not care if i was gay and still respect me and look up to me as head regardless of the fact. So I see this more of a violation of Respect. Yes I will not force her to choose her friends but I also will not allow this nonsense, If her friends are more important she can have them, Family ties are much more important to me and I'd do anything for a family member but the requirement is respect. She just will not have any support as far my influence is concerned and I have always been her power base to acquire anything.

    p.s. i've always covered her ass about having boyfriends so i dont see why protecting a gay brother or sister is not an expectation, we live in 2012 people.
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    Feb 04, 2012 3:22 AM GMT
    Do whatever the hell you want.

    Your sister isn't the problem - you are.
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    Feb 04, 2012 3:24 AM GMT
    it won't help.

    I haven't spoken to mine in over 2 years for this and other issues. Her boyfriend is intolerant and wouldn't allow her to bring her son over to see his uncle because of it. She could care less about sexuality, but allows herself to be influenced and refuses to speak up about something she knows is wrong. After more than 2 years I could honestly care less if I ever hear from her again.

    So whatever you decide, make sure you can live with the consequences. If you do cut her off, make sure you have a real conversation with her first so she knows the exact reasons.
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    Feb 04, 2012 3:26 AM GMT
    In fact, maybe you should cut ties with her. She would be a lot better off.
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    Feb 04, 2012 3:27 AM GMT
    kaoi saidit won't help.

    I haven't spoken to mine in over 2 years for this and other issues. Her boyfriend is intolerant and wouldn't allow her to bring her son over to see his uncle because of it. She could care less about sexuality, but allows herself to be influenced and refuses to speak up about something she knows is wrong. After more than 2 years I could honestly care less if I ever hear from her again.

    So whatever you decide, make sure you can live with the consequences. If you do cut her off, make sure you have a real conversation with her first so she knows the exact reasons.


    she know her friends were wrong, yet she keeps them is my problem, I can live with a difference of opinion, but i also stick to my stuff.
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    Feb 04, 2012 3:28 AM GMT
    JackNWNJ saidIn fact, maybe you should cut ties with her. She would be a lot better off.


    I am sorry you did not have a good life, cheers