ok, a lil selfish..

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 28, 2008 12:06 AM GMT
    ... we all at one time or another get frustrated with the amazing selection of gorgeous and personable guys in here who live states or continents away, when our own locals are relatively thread-bare of prospects. i've been feeling this pretty poignantly lately.

    my predicament, which many of us share and which i've seen expressed in these forums before, is that i'm attracted to mature, 'masculine,' sane, athletic guys with their lives together- the kind you can't tell are gay (just what i go for)- and i don't know how to meet them in the 'real world.'
    i don't hit on straight guys, as a rule and a personal code of chivalry.... but everyone i'm attracted to gets lumped into that group and left alone- unapproached- because i don't want to make them uncomfortable if they're in fact straight, as i suspect them to be. i know i know, having a girlfriend or drinking beers in a straight bar or even wearing ugly shoes doesn't necessarily mean they're actually straight... but its enough to keep me from flirting with them.

    so the answer is obviously to go to places frequented by gay men meeting that general description; i just don't know where this is. i can't afford to belong to a gym, fiscally or temporally, and i also don't have the time for 'gay sports teams'- besides which, i suck at most sports. i've avoided gay bars and clubs up till now because i find them slutty, predatory, std-ridden, dramatic, and trashy.

    so to sum up, i guess i'm hoping for two things:

    the first may help everyone in here, the second- mostly just me.

    1) what are some general ideas/brainstorming on how to meet any worthwhile guys in my area meeting my basic, basement-level criterium of standards?

    2) for all those proponents of clubs and bars as being good places for meeting upstanding guys.... i've poo-pooed you before but this is your chance to prove me wrong: what are your best, classiest recommendations for the Baltimore/Annapolis/DC area? considering my inexperience and hopes?
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    Jun 28, 2008 12:25 AM GMT
    I'm in the same boat, except my rules are slightly different, and hopefully I can convince you to break your own.

    In public men are fair game to me hitting on them, not matter how straight they look. The only exceptions are gyms, bathrooms, locker-rooms, etc. Have you ever hung out with straight guys, especially when they are drunk? Do you see how profusely they hit on women and almost always get rejected? Gay men should be allowed to behave the same without feeling awkward of being the gay guy in the straight world. You just have to work harder in order to get what you want. And don't be afraid to cause awkward situations if you encounter the homophobic straight guy, especially in public. After all what's he gonna do, beat you up in public?

    Keeping idea that the guys you like might be straight and you might get rejected if you hit on them just holds you down. As much pressure you get from the rest of society to remain idle and not hit on a guy because he looks straight, ultimately only you are holding yourself back.

    I feel the same way you do and I'll see a hot guy and I just can't hit on him because it feels so awkward to hit on a supposed straight guy. But I push myself to hit on guys any place and in a way it builds up confidence.

    Fyi gay bars are disgusting.

    p.s. Do the stare game. If they keep looking back, 75% chance they like you (25% chance they're wondering why you're looking at them). I made those stats up fyi but whatevs trying to act smart here. ;)
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    Jun 28, 2008 1:30 AM GMT
    jakebenson said

    p.s. Do the stare game. If they keep looking back, 75% chance they like you (25% chance they're wondering why you're looking at them). I made those stats up fyi but whatevs trying to act smart here. ;)


    That is a good test. If possible, try to meet their gaze whenever possible.
    Like jakebenson said, if they keep looking back then they may be interested. That is when you make your first move by going over and start a conversation. "Hey bud. Can I buy you a drink?" "Do you like the music here?" "Nice shirt bro! Where did you get it?"
    Use your surroundings to your advantage.
    "See anyone that catches your eye?" ;)
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 28, 2008 1:35 AM GMT
    Consider joining some groups or recreational sports clubs for gay men with similar interests.
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    Jun 28, 2008 2:04 AM GMT
    I actually got to engage in a short conversation with a very good looking guy, prolly in his 40s, at the gym today. Hubba! Hubba!

    I had left the sauna only a few minutes before and just finished showering. I was toweling off, when he walked from the sauna (he hadnt been in there when I was in there), thru the shower area, then stopped and turned back at a spot where there is a mirror, sink, and scale. I looked up from my toweling. Saw that he was good looking...to the best of my ability with my poor eyesight...I dont wear my glasses in the shower.

    I dont remember how the conversation started. Whether I said 'hi' or he said something. I must have had some idea that he was noticing me, because I dont just say 'hi' to someone at such a distance and minding his own business. I also think he may have been paying attention to me because of what he said. He remarked that he knew that I was 'around' because he smelled the mint oil that I use in the sauna. He said it is kind of my 'identity mark.'

    Anyway, now that the ice is broken, I intend to say 'hi' to him again...and just see what kind of response I get.

    Otherwise, in the locker room, if I walk up to take a locker and there is another guy standing right there using a neighboring locker, I say hello to him. I think it is dumb to act and rude to act like you dont see this person or he doesnt exist. I feel it adds to a tension in the locker room not to at least say hi at such close proximity...kinda like you are on guard and afraid to speak lest it be misinterpreted.
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    Jun 28, 2008 3:02 AM GMT
    czarodziej said

    1) what are some general ideas/brainstorming on how to meet any worthwhile guys in my area meeting my basic, basement-level criterium of standards?

    2) for all those proponents of clubs and bars as being good places for meeting upstanding guys.... i've poo-pooed you before but this is your chance to prove me wrong: what are your best, classiest recommendations for the Baltimore/Annapolis/DC area? considering my inexperience and hopes?


    1) You can meet guys anywhere.

    2) I'm not gonna lie...I'm not a fan of gay bars either, mostly because I don't drink, and the music is annoying. However, not all the guys at gay bars in our area are "slutty, predatory, std-ridden, dramatic, and trashy"...at least I'm not. icon_razz.gif

    I wouldn't necessarily call any gay bar "classy"...they just are what they are. Go with friends that you know you will have a good time with, regardless of the atmosphere.


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    Jun 28, 2008 3:30 AM GMT
    czaro,
    just go to the places you like to go to to do the things you like to do. I say this because if you find guys that like some of the things you like to do you. The reason I mention this is because if you have things in common with one another it is easier to strike up a conversation with someone. Once you can talk to someone comfortably, you can get to know the things you need to know and take it from there.
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    Jun 28, 2008 3:41 AM GMT
    DanteCA said[quote] That is when you make your first move by going over and start a conversation. "Hey bud. Can I buy you a drink?" "Do you like the music here?" "Nice shirt bro! Where did you get it?"
    Use your surroundings to your advantage.
    "See anyone that catches your eye?" ;)


    I usually take the direct approach and say "I find you attractive. Do you find me attractive?" icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 28, 2008 3:53 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]czarodziej said[/cite2) for all those proponents of clubs and bars as being good places for meeting upstanding guys.... i've poo-pooed you before but this is your chance to prove me wrong: what are your best, classiest recommendations for the Baltimore/Annapolis/DC area? considering my inexperience and hopes? [/quote]

    I have not been there in years...I stopped going because of the cigarette smoke, but that is banned now. My one and only bar was Remington's (http://www.remingtonswdc.com/index.html) I see they still have cranky old Stan as the DJ.

    It is a country-western bar with couple dancing and line dances. I love to 2-step. And do a few of the line dances.

    The thing I like about Remingtons is that there is something to do besides standing around and drinking. (In fact, I stopped drinking at Remingtons because you cant whirl around the dancing floor with your partner in your arms and your head full of booze.)

    The dancing does something else besides give us something to do. It acts like a filter for the kind of guys you meet there. (Kind of like fitness does for the guys on RJ) The guys have more on the ball than your average meat-market guy. These are guys that have had to be willing to apply themselves and learn to dance. You already know that they have more going for them than just a pair of hyperactive 'nads.

    Also, dancing is a great way to break the ice with a dude. You ask him to dance. He agrees. You get to know a bit about him as you move around the floor. If you like him and he likes you, you can continue your acquaintance. If you dont care for him, when the dance is over, you can politely say thank you, and break it off.
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    Jun 28, 2008 4:57 AM GMT
    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm *checks air-miles....* icon_wink.gificon_lol.gif


    1) Based on your options... I'd say you're more likely to meet someone through friends.

    2) Your view on clubs/bars is pretty accurate. I would be HIGHLY surprised if you found what you were looking for there. Never the less, stranger things have happened.
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    Jun 28, 2008 5:11 AM GMT
    yeah im pretty against clubs and bars as a place to do more than have a fun night out with friends- and rarely enough at that in my case- i have fun with friends at straight bars and peoples apartments for the most part. i guess its just that whenever someone slams clubs in these forums, there are always people ready to jump in and defend them- 'my way' isn't getting me anywhere, so i figured i'd hit two birds with a stone by opening myself to new possibilities and by asking those who endorse clubs as 'not that bad' to recommend their finest.

    networking through friends isn't a good option for me, btw- all my friends are fraternity brothers, or socially awkward design kids, in cincinnati. pretty much without exception. i don't even really have any gay friends. so networking is out. someone else mentioned gay sports organizations- but i addressed that in my original post... and as far as going out and doing what i enjoy with strangers- well, i don't think i have any communal hobbies that would qualify me for that, first of all, and second of all i'm not entirely sure i need my man to have common interests. it can be fun to date someone who complements one, but who has different interests that can be shared, u know? in any case, its not high on my priority list that they be passionate about the same stuff i am- i'd almost prefer it be otherwise.

    all good advice- i hope i don't sound like i'm just shooting it down- i donno what exactly i'm expecting in here, but i thank god no one's said 'don't sweat it, you're so young' yet lol. anyways, any other suggestions, especially for this area, would be great. when i'm in cincinnati for school in the springs and falls, i'm truly stranded- an island of one. but HERE, there should be TONS of opportunities for meeting guys; i'm surrounded by several cities here. i'm just not sure where to start...
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 28, 2008 6:05 AM GMT
    'pears you done painted yourself into a corner in a gay man's str8 world

    You don't have any gay friends
    they're frat guys or design guys
    you don't go to gay clubs
    ....

    Somethin's gotta give
    Where do guys you like like to hang out?
    You have to be in and around men to get yourself noticed
    whether they are gay or str8
    Yeah...some so called str8 guys will notice you sometimes if you play your cards right
    but it's a hell of a lot of work for really little payback
    unless you're looking just for a quick hook up now and then
    but it sounds to me if you get a circle of some like-minded gay friends ... this networking will eventually get you where you want to be
    through introductions and meeting new people you'll meet guys you'll be happy with
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    Jun 28, 2008 1:18 PM GMT
    czarodziej said...so i figured i'd hit two birds with a stone by opening myself to new possibilities and by asking those who endorse clubs as 'not that bad' to recommend their finest.


    I'd recommend the two popular clubs in Baltimore:
    The Hippo
    Grand Central

    Same idea for both; bar with pool tables on one side, dance club on the other. Grand Central is usually busy on Friday nights, and The Hippo's busy night is Saturdays. It's also convenient that both places are directly across the street from each other.

    If you want to meet up, let me know and I'll meet you out .
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    Jun 28, 2008 1:59 PM GMT
    Well I don't disagree that long-distance relationships are hard to make work. I used to think the internet was a good way to meet a bf, but I am not sure anymore after some people's experiences.

    Gay bars are great if you take them for what they are, fun places to dance and talk to people, but not the best places to meet someone for a LTR. Strangely enough I have two guys on my softball team that met their partners in a gay bar. One couple has been together 17 years, the other 23 years, so it does happen.

    I am in the group that thinks the best way to meet a partner is through an organization of some sort that is based on your interests. Sports, volunteer work, the church, stamp collecting, basket weaving, whatever! Don't worry that you are not great at most sports. When I first started playing volleyball I should have had a sign on me that said "Danger stay away". But I got better, met some great people and eventually my partner, so joining volleyball was a great move on my part.

    The important thing is to go out and meet guys, at the very least to get some experience dating. I know of one guy who met his boyfriend while having dinner with a female friend. They both flirted with the waiter as a sort of competition to see which way he batted. He batted gay!

    BTW your comment on guys wearing ugly shoes as an indication they may be straight was hilarious, but I am not sure that was intentional.icon_lol.gif

    Best of luck trying to meet guys!
  • redheaded_dud...

    Posts: 408

    Jun 28, 2008 2:05 PM GMT
    It may not be your thing, but you might consider volunteering for a "gay-friendly non-profit". In my area, that usually revolves around HIV, but if you're in the DC area, the HRC is up there. I've met some really great guys while stuffing envelopes, doing charity bike rides (including all the training rides that led up to the ride itself), etc.

    If that's not your thing, maybe a running group or something that's gay friendly? A dog-park group of guys? If there's not something already around your area, start one!

    A friend of mine here in Austin started a Monday night dinner group at a fairly inexpensive restaurant, and there was just an open invitation to anyone and everyone to join on Monday nights. Some really interesting people (who didn't typically go "out" to bars etc, and who were basically in the same boat as you're in) flocked to the dinner. Sometimes, we had as many as 30-40 people there.

    Cast a wide net.

    edit: I just remembered this NON-HOOKUP website. You might try it to find others in that similar boat. We're out there! www.meetup.com
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    Jun 28, 2008 2:18 PM GMT
    joescorpio1970 said[quote][cite]czarodziej said[/cite]...so i figured i'd hit two birds with a stone by opening myself to new possibilities and by asking those who endorse clubs as 'not that bad' to recommend their finest.


    I'd recommend the two popular clubs in Baltimore:
    The Hippo
    Grand Central

    Same idea for both; bar with pool tables on one side, dance club on the other. Grand Central is usually busy on Friday nights, and The Hippo's busy night is Saturdays. It's also convenient that both places are directly across the street from each other.

    If you want to meet up, let me know and I'll meet you out . [/quote]


    l_486f87dd2d0284ef132908c6d6892cea.jpg

    well, i actually went to the hippo on my 21st back in january, but the night my friends had selected to take me was like r&b night or something so i was the only white guy in the room- swear to god. everyone stared at me all night like i was fresh meat. lol
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    Jun 28, 2008 2:21 PM GMT
    czarodziej said[quote][cite]joescorpio1970 said[/cite][quote][cite]czarodziej said[/cite]...so i figured i'd hit two birds with a stone by opening myself to new possibilities and by asking those who endorse clubs as 'not that bad' to recommend their finest.


    I'd recommend the two popular clubs in Baltimore:
    The Hippo
    Grand Central

    Same idea for both; bar with pool tables on one side, dance club on the other. Grand Central is usually busy on Friday nights, and The Hippo's busy night is Saturdays. It's also convenient that both places are directly across the street from each other.

    If you want to meet up, let me know and I'll meet you out . [/quote]


    l_486f87dd2d0284ef132908c6d6892cea.jpg

    well, i actually went to the hippo on my 21st back in january, but the night my friends had selected to take me was like r&b night or something so i was the only white guy in the room- swear to god. everyone stared at me all night like i was fresh meat. lol[/quote]


    Well DUH icon_rolleyes.gif - look how cute you look!!!
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    Jun 28, 2008 2:32 PM GMT
    You may want to consider something as simple as going out some afternoon to DuPont Circle in DC. I was never out when I was in Maryland, but I was a little more liberal when visiting friends in DC. I don't consider myself incredibly good looking (no, that isn't why I haven't posted a picture of myself--I simply haven't gotten any recent ones since I lost some weight), but I definitely got checked out a lot just hanging around the fountain, talking with friends. And then there are all the restaurants along 17th Street, as well as a nice theater (a Lowe's--where I saw Brokeback for the first time). There are also a few gay bars and clubs, but I haven't had much experience with those in DC. While I can tell from previous posts that you may be less inclined to this suggestion, there is an Episcopal church near DuPont that is almost like a gay meeting place. Considering I grew up in a conservative family, it was quite an experience to go to a church where pretty much everyone from the clergy on down was gay. Hopefully this wasn't too painfully obvious to you. Oh, and in regards to your concern on hitting on straight guys--if they are in DuPont, they should probably be prepared for it, straight or not.
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    Jun 28, 2008 2:42 PM GMT
    true- i've never been in dupont circle, aside from being driven through it sometimes during the day- apparently its a different world at night. im kinda intimidated by driving in that city, and i live a good hour away, so i'll have to go with friends sometime or something i guess..
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    Jun 28, 2008 2:50 PM GMT
    I was there during the day when I got checked out. 17th is the really strong gay area, and this time of year they have a lot of great outdoor restaurants. And you can always metro in--there is a stop right there. I lived in Glen Burnie, so I know the pain of living an hour away. However, I would be careful to make sure you got on the right line. I once got on the Blue Line, instead of the Orange to get to New Carrollton, and ended up waiting for a half hour at the Capitol Heights station late in the evening. Not a great idea.

    In general though, you have to go somewhere that there is simply a majority of gay men. Then you find people willing to do more than bars or the gym.
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    Jun 28, 2008 2:57 PM GMT
    yeah that's good advice- i live right next to glenburnie on route two so i'd use newcarolton too. those intimidate me a bit too, especially alone, but its a good idea- thanx
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    Jun 28, 2008 3:03 PM GMT
    czarodziej saidtrue- i've never been in dupont circle, aside from being driven through it sometimes during the day- apparently its a different world at night. im kinda intimidated by driving in that city, and i live a good hour away, so i'll have to go with friends sometime or something i guess..


    I live in northern Virginia. It's only 3 miles from my house to the White House, but I never drive into the city anymore. I go to a nearby mall (Pentagon City), park in their garage, and take the metro in from there. Maybe you can find a shopping mall with a garage and a metro stop on the Maryland side and do something similar.

    If you do drive to Dupont, a good place to park at night is Sheridan Circle on Massachusetts Ave, just a couple of blocks off P Street and away from Dupont Circle. It is a safe place to park, because the Turkish Embassy there has 24 hour police protection. So there are aways a bevy of cops standing around to watch your car. tee hee hee. And if you walk down 23 St NW, check out the Buffalo statue...the tail is just a giant dick sticking straight up. Ok, that's juvenile, but it is!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 28, 2008 3:14 PM GMT
    I can understand your situation... a couple of points I might make (and probably just practical commentary)

    1. I think you need to expand your horizons and do some of the things in which you may not be comfortable based on your personality. I'm NOT referring to clubs or that like, what I'm referring to is developing gay friendships in your area... at least expanding your acquaintance list with a few that you like, respect or fit your (btw I agree) criteria of "grounded", "mature" or "reasonable". I've found if you develop some friendships, many want to incorporate you into their clique (and that sounds like something you don't want). Develop friendships based on whats important to you, thus number #2. Getting recommendations on potential "dating" material is prudent and helps weed out men who don't meet your criteria.

    2. Don't get disillusioned with what you want or what you are searching for. Your no dummy, I can tell that from your threads here. Look for those that enhance your life and will grow from, whether it be a long term relationship or just friendships. And btw, don't leave out straight guys. I have some great straight friends as well. I think its a healthy balance.

    Good luck and keep us informed!