[SHORT and LONG] I am his fuckbuddy but I developed a crush for him

  • boredass123

    Posts: 5

    Feb 05, 2012 12:44 AM GMT
    I posted here because I'm really confused about my feelings and I hope you guys can help me clear my mind and think straight. the story is long so if you want the short version scroll down to the end of the post.

    [LONG STORY]
    6 months ago, I moved to NYC. I was fresh out of college, doing internships right now. I am also pretty much in the closet and has rarely had any romantic experience before. There were exactly three romances that I entertained during my college years. Two were long distance relationships, which of course didn't last very long, just a few months. Another one was a kinda strange relationship, more one sided on my part. I was fond of him, he was not that into me but since we were both closeted, he just accepted my advances. Naturally it didn't come to anything.

    So that was the past. Now I'm in NYC. I decided to try Craiglish to find guys. At first, I wanted sexual encounters. But then I felt like it wasn't right for me. I can't just fuck and go. So I met this guy on Craiglist. He is good looking, works for a major bank, 1 year older than me. He posted an ad on Craiglist. I responded to that ad, and he replied saying that he's interested. But then it was 9/11 and I didn't feel safe going outside so I told him so, he said ok. Three days later, on a Tuesday, he emailed me, asking if I am free to meet up. I said yes and went ahead to his place. He was very nice, and we had great sex that day. I asked him if he's dating anyone, he said he's too busy. So I thought I should rule out the possibility of dating him. When we said goodbye, he said "we should probably meet up again next week" with a nice smile. I knew I felt something more for him than just a one night stand. But he didn't contact again the next week.

    Fast forward one month, he emailed me asking if I want to meet up (he had my number but somehow he decided to email instead). I was excited, but I moved a bit further away from him and told him that it's late and it'd be a hassle for me to travel back and forth. He said I can sleep over at his place if I want, but he has to work in the morning (it's Friday night). I went to his place, and he greeted me with a smile and a hug. We had great sex again, and we cuddled afterwards. In the morning, he woke up early to go to work, but I was too tired. He said I can sleep more, and told me that when I leave I just need to close the door. And then he left for work. I found it weird that he was too trusting of a person he just met the second time.

    Then again the next month, he contacted me, I went to his place, and we had sex, and a bit of chitchat too.

    Then the next month, I didn't hear from him. I was sad and I thought that I should just forget about him. But the next month, he texted me.
    "Hi how are you"
    I replied "I'm good. How are you?"
    His reply: "Great." "I thought you forget about me "
    I was surprised. We arranged to meet again, and I told him that I have something important to tell him when we meet. He asked me through text if I could say it right now (through text) so that he can respond when we meet. I told him that I have a crush on him.
    He said "Really. I was getting worried u didn't want to see me or something. I asked u to text me when u got back from ur trip but never heard from u till now I really don't mind seeing u more and explore how it goes from there."
    then he said "we'll talk more about this on Friday"

    but then Friday came and we didn't talk that much about this issue.
    However, there's another important thing happening on Friday. He said he would work late and asked me if 9PM is too late for me. I said it's ok. at 9PM he said he still has work and asked me if I could wait till 11PM. I said ok, just focus on your work. Eventually I arrived at his house at 1AM, waited for him 5 mins, and saw him coming home, looking dead tired with a Red Bull on his hand. I felt sorry for him and for myself.

    The next day after waking up, we had our first meal together, brunch at a diner's near his place. We discussed stuff related to his work.
    I parted way with him when he took a bus to go to his mom's house.


    After that night, I decided that I should take the initiative to text him more. I forgot to mention that on Friday, I brought him some food because he was working late. On Sunday, I texted him "Hi how are you" and he replied "Great. Thanks for the company." I said "You should eat the food and tell me how you like it " and he didn't respond.

    Next Friday I texted him again, and after talking a bit, he asked if I'm available to meet Monday or Tuesday. It is the first time he wanted to meet not one month later, but only two weeks later.
    [END OF LONG STORY]

    My perspective is
    - I have a crush on him but I don't think he has the same kind of feelings for me. We've been contacting each other for six months but we only met for 4 times (tomorrow is the 5th time)
    - I also feel insecure because he's a good looking banker and I'm just an average looking intern right now. Our physical appearance, social and economic status are not tje same
    - He is really busy with his work. sometimes he has to work late. that's probably one of the reasons he doesn't meet me that often. I, on the other hand, have plenty of free time and sometimes feel frustrated that we don't meet that often.

    My questions:
    - Isn't it normal for young guys who started seeing each other to text and talk to each other daily? We have none of that. Half of me thinks that it's reasonable given our specific circumstance, the other half feels kinda sad about it.
    - What should I do? I feel like I should focus on my career and forget about him. But besides the fact that I have a crush on him, I also enjoy sex with him. Should I cut him off completely for my sanity?


    TL;DR version:

    Met a guy through craiglist. he's a nice, loving guy who is busy with work. we became once-a-month fuckbuddy. I said I had a crush on him. He said we can meet more and explore how it goes from there. I don't know what to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2012 1:03 AM GMT
    He doesnt sound like long term material. But he also seems pretty low maitenance....only once a month. I'd say. Keep him as a friend, but move on and keep looking for a long term interest.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Feb 05, 2012 2:22 AM GMT
    I don't think you're "seeing" each other in so many ways. You need to figure out what you want from your time with him. If all he wants is a monthly roll in the sack, and you want more, then yeah, you need to get over your crush and move on.

    Your stuff about your insecurity regarding social and economic status bears more refection too. This is the US and we don't believe in social status. You have every right to associate with anyone as equals. Developing your talents and your inner strength will serve you well.
  • Dgkall6

    Posts: 3

    Feb 05, 2012 2:30 AM GMT
    Stop seeing him b4 u get ur feelings hurt
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2012 2:54 AM GMT
    Ooo. This is dangerous. I've been there on both sides of the coin. Let me give you the banker's likely perspective:

    I've been that "banker" - I honestly don't think I've ever intended to lead anyone on, but I just couldn't form an emotional connection at that time. It's not that I've ruled out the possibility of a relationship, but it wasn't going to happen at that point. What happened in return is that the guy got impatient or needy and it ruined my interest. Simply put, I like my options...I like the option of feeling like we're not together. If things changed, then I think I would be open to it...I'd like to think that most guys don't have consistent fuck buddies (e.g fucking just the same person) if there's no potential at all. You just have to ask yourself - are you willing to be in that zone for an indefinite amount of time? Are you willing to put all the control in his hands? If so - and I personally don't think it's a good precursor for a relationship - then you have a shot. The question is how much do you want that chance?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 05, 2012 3:11 AM GMT
    a fuckbuddy is just what it is...a buddy who just wants to fuck from time to time w/no serious intent to be your boyfriend or to make you the 'only' one...you may eat together and stay at his place sometimes, but it will never be nothing more...so accept that...

    i have had at least 2 fb relationships and i asked each guy would they want a boyfriend or something serious...and they both told me no...

    perhaps it may be better (the next time) to let a guy know your intents/goals in a relationship or whether you're a relationship-type guy first, before several acts of sex.
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    Feb 05, 2012 3:20 AM GMT
    in addition...you speak well of the banker but places yourself in an inferior role...perhaps this is a lesson to build your self-esteem b/c if a sexy, good-looking banker is attracted to you, then there's many more guys who will feel the same way...btw...where's your pic
  • boredass123

    Posts: 5

    Feb 06, 2012 4:50 AM GMT
    thanks for the reply guys.
    he's just a really nice guy. even if he doesn't want to date me and just wants a fuckbuddy, it's ok with me too because so far he has treated me very well. yesterday after we were having sex, he invited me to dinner at a restaurant as a gift for my birthday, even though earlier he told me that after sex he would go to the gym. he also showed me videos and pics of his mom, brothers and cousins.
    the problem is that I don't know how to go about talking about this with him. I already told him once, he already knows that I have a crush on him, and he said we can see each other more and explore how it goes from there.
    plus I also feel I'm rushing things here because even though we met 6 months ago, we have only met up with each other 5 times. I don't know, this situation is complicated, and my head can't process it ugh
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2012 4:58 AM GMT
    I wish I had a buck for every newb with a 1000 word essay on gay dating blues........icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2012 5:12 AM GMT
    This is so spot on it's scary.

    closer85 saidOoo. This is dangerous. I've been there on both sides of the coin. Let me give you the banker's likely perspective:

    I've been that "banker" - I honestly don't think I've ever intended to lead anyone on, but I just couldn't form an emotional connection at that time. It's not that I've ruled out the possibility of a relationship, but it wasn't going to happen at that point. What happened in return is that the guy got impatient or needy and it ruined my interest. Simply put, I like my options...I like the option of feeling like we're not together. If things changed, then I think I would be open to it...I'd like to think that most guys don't have consistent fuck buddies (e.g fucking just the same person) if there's no potential at all. You just have to ask yourself - are you willing to be in that zone for an indefinite amount of time? Are you willing to put all the control in his hands? If so - and I personally don't think it's a good precursor for a relationship - then you have a shot. The question is how much do you want that chance?
  • boredass123

    Posts: 5

    Feb 06, 2012 5:19 AM GMT
    closer85 saidOoo. This is dangerous. I've been there on both sides of the coin. Let me give you the banker's likely perspective:

    I've been that "banker" - I honestly don't think I've ever intended to lead anyone on, but I just couldn't form an emotional connection at that time. It's not that I've ruled out the possibility of a relationship, but it wasn't going to happen at that point. What happened in return is that the guy got impatient or needy and it ruined my interest. Simply put, I like my options...I like the option of feeling like we're not together. If things changed, then I think I would be open to it...I'd like to think that most guys don't have consistent fuck buddies (e.g fucking just the same person) if there's no potential at all. You just have to ask yourself - are you willing to be in that zone for an indefinite amount of time? Are you willing to put all the control in his hands? If so - and I personally don't think it's a good precursor for a relationship - then you have a shot. The question is how much do you want that chance?


    how should i respond to him the next time he contacts me to "meet up"?
    He's been very nice, but I can kinda see that at the moment I have a crush on him and he only sees me as a fuckbuddy. I wanna break it off with him, and stop seeing him. However, I don't want to convey it to him like this "You only see me as fuckbuddy so I don't wanna see you anymore." That's kinda rude considering how well he has treated me, even though i'm nothing more than a fuckbuddy to him.
  • boredass123

    Posts: 5

    Feb 06, 2012 5:21 AM GMT
    turbobilly saidI wish I had a buck for every newb with a 1000 word essay on gay dating blues........icon_twisted.gif


    you know you are not helping at all, right?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 06, 2012 10:49 AM GMT
    boredass123 said
    closer85 saidOoo. This is dangerous. I've been there on both sides of the coin. Let me give you the banker's likely perspective:

    I've been that "banker" - I honestly don't think I've ever intended to lead anyone on, but I just couldn't form an emotional connection at that time. It's not that I've ruled out the possibility of a relationship, but it wasn't going to happen at that point. What happened in return is that the guy got impatient or needy and it ruined my interest. Simply put, I like my options...I like the option of feeling like we're not together. If things changed, then I think I would be open to it...I'd like to think that most guys don't have consistent fuck buddies (e.g fucking just the same person) if there's no potential at all. You just have to ask yourself - are you willing to be in that zone for an indefinite amount of time? Are you willing to put all the control in his hands? If so - and I personally don't think it's a good precursor for a relationship - then you have a shot. The question is how much do you want that chance?


    how should i respond to him the next time he contacts me to "meet up"?
    He's been very nice, but I can kinda see that at the moment I have a crush on him and he only sees me as a fuckbuddy. I wanna break it off with him, and stop seeing him. However, I don't want to convey it to him like this "You only see me as fuckbuddy so I don't wanna see you anymore." That's kinda rude considering how well he has treated me, even though i'm nothing more than a fuckbuddy to him.


    This is about you and how you feel and not about being potentially mean to him. It's good that you are so considerate, but it'll just get you hurt and give him even more control. Listen - you have to put some things on your terms. If he's into you, he's going to look at you differently (in a good way) for expressing that he means more to you. It might even melt that emotional barrier away - or at the very least - make you stand out more.

    Here's how I see it. He's an (investment) banker. I know the job, I know the field. He's not going to have time to be a good boyfriend or have a LTR if he's serious about his job. All things considered, he seems like a good enough guy, so I see your predicament. But just know that there's chemistry and there's timing...and if you're lucky to have chemistry and the timing is fucked...then that's the nature of the game and you have to deal with that. Now it's funny - I kind of want a relationship now...and some of the guys I passed up on, I certainly wouldn't have. It's just the way things work I guess. Oh well. icon_smile.gif

    As I said, I'm no omniscient dating god or whatever...I literally just went through this from the banker's perspective and from yours within a year of coming out. I was moreso the banker but I know everything you're saying...and what got me through without traumatic scars is that ultimately I respect my want to have someone who wants to be with me and me only. I know I'm fucking awesome...and while I can ACTUALLY have mutual fuck buddies (it exists), meaning with someone that I am physically attracted to but want nothing more, it's rare...it doesn't feel that amazing after...and it's nothing I'd want to base a relationship on.

    Good luck!