Trust issues? Anyone?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 28, 2008 3:27 AM GMT
    Over the years in my life I have been cheated on, and lied to so many times, how do you learn to trust guys again? Is it even possible, every time I try to let my guards down I get hurt in a different way. Over time I have got to a point where I think the worst so that I don’t get hurt as much when things happy. All my friends say that I need to just let go of things. Anyone feel this way; or, over come these types of emotions?
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 28, 2008 3:35 AM GMT
    Your pretty young yet. I don't want to take away from your experiances, but what your going through now will make you stronger and you will learn to trust other guys on your own terms. Guys at your age are still trying to find out who they are, which also includes trying to find out what guys are right for them, which includes yourself. I think you will be ok, just don't turn into a jaded person, your way too young and cute for that.

    Doug
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    Jun 28, 2008 4:20 AM GMT
    It's just a part of the game of growing up as i am sure most of us has had those experiences but for me at 21 i was with a guy for more than 30 years! Now i am catching up and have had some of that crap in later years but i can handle it better and just accept it all! Now i am settled again with my b/f who will be here next week for cuddles etc!

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    Jun 28, 2008 5:04 AM GMT
    chrisaz saidOver the years in my life I have been cheated on, and lied to so many times, how do you learn to trust guys again? Is it even possible, every time I try to let my guards down I get hurt in a different way. Over time I have got to a point where I think the worst so that I don’t get hurt as much when things happy. All my friends say that I need to just let go of things. Anyone feel this way; or, over come these types of emotions?


    I can relate.... I've not found a way to overcome those emotions as of yet. Not sure I ever will. As far as I'm concerned trust is built over time, and is a fragile thing by nature. I've yet to find someone that I can or did trust completely. Pretty much every guy I've dated or been involved in a relationship with has screwed me over in one way or another. It's made me pretty guarded, which I guess isn't a bad thing - so long as you don't turn to stone or ice.
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    Jun 28, 2008 5:16 AM GMT
    BostonVball said[quote][cite]chrisaz said[/cite]Over the years in my life I have been cheated on, and lied to so many times, how do you learn to trust guys again? Is it even possible, every time I try to let my guards down I get hurt in a different way. Over time I have got to a point where I think the worst so that I don’t get hurt as much when things happy. All my friends say that I need to just let go of things. Anyone feel this way; or, over come these types of emotions?


    I can relate.... I've not found a way to overcome those emotions as of yet. Not sure I ever will. As far as I'm concerned trust is built over time, and is a fragile thing by nature. I've yet to find someone that I can or did trust completely. Pretty much every guy I've dated or been involved in a relationship with has screwed me over in one way or another. It's made me pretty guarded, which I guess isn't a bad thing - so long as you don't turn to stone or ice.[/quote]



    yeah same here. don't wanna go into it too much 'cause i don't wanna sound like a debbie-downer. but i empathize- i'm in the same boat. guys lie. a lot. i wouldn't say i'm 'jaded' as much as 'guarded,' at this point. i'm wary of anything that seems too good, and i pretty much expect that guys don't say or do nice things unless they have ulterior motives. the handsome, romantic gentlemen in the movies don't exist, in my experience.
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    Jun 28, 2008 5:59 AM GMT
    true true^^ all

    I never lie to the person I am with, I would never cheat on a guy that I am with no matter who’s out there. Is ther anyone else out in the world like thaticon_question.gif I feel like there isn't any guys out in the world that look beyond hook ups, parties, and looks. I have dated so many people and it seems like its impossible to find a half way normal guy anywhere. My biggest fear in life is ending up alone. I know I will have success, and family; but I don’t see happiest alone.

    Are the days of relationships and love gone?
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    Jun 28, 2008 6:13 AM GMT
    The days of relationship's still exsist!

    There is always someone out there ready for you believe me! I have lived here 8 years now and its taken a few b/f's to find the one i have now and i hope it will last if not well life goes on but i love my own company always and my few close f friends.
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    Jun 28, 2008 6:13 AM GMT
    chrisaz saidMy biggest fear in life is ending up alone. I know I will have success, and family; but I don’t see happiest alone.
    I tell you the truth, this is the cause and the answer to your problem. If you find the inner strength to KNOW that your happiness does not depend on other people in the way that you think, you will not have such a strong need for trust. ALSO, there are actually people that I am sure do love you, or are willing to love you that you are probably overlooking.

    I am trying to say that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, you are just focusing a very particular kind of individual that fits your needs like a key fits the lock. Lean on your friends for strength if you need to, and know that there is continuum of compassionate souls that either do or will care for you. Accept love from where ever it comes from and you will never be alone. If you KNOW this, trust will not be an issue because you won't depend on that person. At that point you accept the people that are good for you and dismiss the ones that are hurtful to you with no ill feelings either way.
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    Jun 28, 2008 3:43 PM GMT
    chrisaz said
    I never lie to the person I am with, I would never cheat on a guy that I am with no matter who’s out there. Is ther anyone else out in the world like thaticon_question.gif

    Well, yes, but I live 2000 miles away. icon_lol.gif

    I wonder the same thing myself. I've never cheated in a relationship, never lied, never played games. But I can't seem to find someone with those same values. It sucks.
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    Jun 28, 2008 3:53 PM GMT
    I have always had trust issues regarding people, mainly because of what I went through growing up. Not so much with gay guys though. I always broke up with my bf's before any sort of cheating went on. Where I usually felt betrayed was when a guy said he would call me but never did. That is what made me realize that one-night stands were not really for me.

    My partner and I have a pretty good understanding about what we want from a relationship. Trust, respect for each other and monogamy. Some people might find that unrealistic or boring, but I disagree, we are much closer because of that commitment. Well it works for us anyways, I know some couples need to have an open relationship otherwise they would not stay together.

    If I was in my early 20's and had a few bad experiences with guys lying or cheating, then I would take a bit of a break, get to know gay men in other venues that brings out their better nature. Also remember, there are plenty of straight guys that are the same way, some guys will do anything for an orgasm.
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    Jun 28, 2008 3:59 PM GMT
    Yeah, I don't know what to tell ya' boy. The last one I dated has done me in on trust and faith, lol. Well, for a while at the least. I've pretty much decided that the best way for me to maintain happiness is to not even think of thinking about a relationship and to get my rocks off here and there and be a little self absorbed. Nothin' feels better than takin' care of yourself anyway.
    If I were to offer a less jaded perspective, you have to understand that every single person you meet is entirely different and their own person and you have no right to compare them to the man before. They could very easily be most trust worthy guy ever.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 28, 2008 4:05 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear you have had such issues. I can imagine its pretty difficult.

    My suggestion is to not award trust until it has been earned. Get to know your friends and try to be drawn toward those who appear to be trustworthy.. just don't put yourself in a position where you can be hurt until you really get to know them... and voice your concerns to that person as you get to know them. If trust is a priority, they should know .. and respect that of you.

    I'm confident there are those out there that will
    respect your position.. and your trust.
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    Jun 28, 2008 4:07 PM GMT
    If I were to offer a less jaded perspective, you have to understand that every single person you meet is entirely different and their own person and you have no right to compare them to the man before. They could very easily be most trust worthy guy ever.

    That is a good attitude to have. I think gay guys on RJ would be surprised how many guys are very trustworthy. Most important advice I can give to anyone interested in a LTR, is when you do meet a guy discuss things like the importance of monogamy. Also, if you think your relationship is having issues, talk openly and honestly with your bf. Guys are not raised to talk intimately with other guys, so it will not come easily. But without good communication with your bf your relationship is much more likely to run into problems.
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    Jun 28, 2008 10:24 PM GMT
    I never looked for monogamy. One day it just came and then, it ended, now I have friends with benefits, even Walt. I was ready to settle down with him too. No problem though, I can handle friends with benefits.


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    Jun 28, 2008 11:31 PM GMT
    I understand how disappointing it is when trusted friends turn on you, lie, cheat, do hurtful things. . .

    But try not to wall yourself off from people, or become overly guarded.

    There are excellent, trustworthy, genuinely loving people in the world. Really. They're just hard to find because there's not that many of them. So keep looking.

    If you're totally jaded, you'll turn away that one great person because you'll be completely closed off.

    It seems like we never hit a happy medium with trust. Either we award someone our total devotion way before it's earned or deserved. . . or we never, ever give it to the other person, even when it's earned ten times over. Either way, we lose.
  • EddieT

    Posts: 93

    Sep 07, 2012 10:41 PM GMT
    I have the same sort of trust issues. Looking back at my college career, I realized all my friends I made were just classmates who needed things from me. It hurt alot to know that. Especially when I started talking to guys and naively thinking they genuinely liked me and wanted me when they were just looking for ass. I've been betrayed over and over and I cannot stop thinking something is too good to be true, and end up distancing myself from it to prevent getting hurt again.

    I realized I have become clingy because of these previous issues, trying to figure them out, but just cannot stand how I always need constant reassurance from the other guy. Still have not had an official BF yet, which makes me feel like I will be perpetually single....I am aware of my issues but afraid to let them go because I feel like I would get hurt even more if I do. Bleh [/rant]
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 07, 2012 11:21 PM GMT
    Working on it. Every guy is a different set of circumstances.
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    Sep 07, 2012 11:22 PM GMT
    I haven't been cheated on but I still have trust issues. Might have to do with my Dad cheating on my Mom, my Uncle cheating on my Aunt. Those were the 2 ideal marriages in my life growing up. You learn that people are human and make mistakes but I'm not opening up to anyone unless they are pretty amazing.
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    Sep 08, 2012 6:01 PM GMT
    Call it intuition, but I would have never been wrong if I just went with my gut.

    The guy I'm with now, my gut tells me that I'm not wrong about him.
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    Sep 10, 2012 2:53 AM GMT
    I was always let down in little ways, eventually they accumulated and helped me to build my walls. I can have trouble letting people in because I’m always preparing myself for the worst. It makes it difficult for me to like someone who likes me back, I’m always preparing myself to eventually not be good enough for them and to have them move on, just like that (it's happened before and it sucks). When someone says they like me, I almost don’t let myself believe it because I’ve become so accustomed to people not meaning what they say. I know I need to slowly let people in and give them a chance to earn my trust, it’s just a bit hard for me. Only when I find a guy who I think is worth it, I’ll take a small “leap of faith” on my part and open up completely. Hopefully that'll be earlier rather than later.
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    Sep 10, 2012 3:12 AM GMT
    I don't have issues granting trust once I've known the person for a long enough period of time. To me, if you don't trust the person you're with, why are you together? You have to extend that trust if you're to make it work.

    A relationship is voluntary, and if either party doesn't want one, that's it. I fundamentally don't believe in trying to control people, and so I've never had that issue with exes.

    I also am pretty clear that I will understandably be sad if my partner wishes to end the relationship. I wouldn't be thrilled with a conversation that was aimed at opening the relationship, and would reject that. But both of those will allow me to retain a civil relationship afterwards with him.

    However if you cheat, I start lighting things on fire. You endanger my physical health by not allowing me full knowledge of what I might be exposed to, and I swear to God I'll endanger yours.

    I know I would never cheat, precisely because I've been put through the ultimate test case and didn't. For me, at this point, it's empirical.
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    Sep 10, 2012 3:32 AM GMT
    The truth is we will never trust again after all of that but all we can do is ignore or pretend to not know of it while going into the next relationsahip.
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    Sep 10, 2012 12:27 PM GMT
    "when attractive people compliment me on things i get suspicious because remember when regina george complimented that one girl on her skirt"
  • HndsmKansan

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    Sep 10, 2012 12:36 PM GMT
    I see this was written in 2008, but I think the OP's question will always be one that will come up.

    You can never really protect yourself against lies.. but you can insulate yourself a bit by going to the extra mile to get to know the guy you need to trust... and give out your trust based on "earning it", meaning, the guy, through his actions and behaviors shows himself to deserve it.

    That said, I think it makes sense to always consider, "what if" and you have a violation of that trust.
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    Sep 10, 2012 4:00 PM GMT
    In God We Trust.

    In the unseen, in the unknown, in the unknowable we trust? Those hardly seem like worthy qualifications.

    Fortunately, God helps those who help themselves. So helpful!

    In that sense, living life fully requires not relying so much on trust. But that's a little tricky.

    Life taught both me and my first partner to love even those we did not trust. I was born a lucid dreamer who as a child didn't know the difference between my dreaming and waking states. I'd have conscious dreams with dream characters being my family & friends so I'd have conversations with them which I didn't know weren't real. But in waking life, they'd deny ever having had such conversations. So I didn't really trust these people, yet I loved them.

    Life taught my partner in a different way as he was born into an abusive family. He was physically and mentally abused by both his parents and his older brother, yet he loved them. His mom & my mom were friends who introduced us. His parents were fun to be around later in life, you know, after the hitting stopped. My bud even gave up the family business (as did I) to his brother who had earlier in life with his father locked him in an old fridge and thrown it into the pool. A lovely family enjoying a typical weekend at home.

    But we had resilience and resources and we enjoyed our lives. Life back then was one big party. We knew people were using us for the boating and our bodies but we were okay with that. Our bodies were our amusement parks and we even picked up strangers sitting on seawalls gawking at the boats going by to entertain them for the day, overnight, whatever that relationship would turn into. We had a lot of fun with it. We used to joke about it all the time. Use me, abuse me, whatever it takes for you to love me. It wasn't a lack of self-esteem kind of shit. We were just very conscious of what goes on in the world and we played with that.

    But since then, life has taught me with more trust issues, that loved ones die, friends betray, that life can be pretty fucking disappointing if you take it too seriously.

    Here's the tricky thing about trust in life. You can only move forward with it, yet if you require it, then you can not move at all. Even if the person doesn't pull the rug out from under you, life can pull that rug. So if you are not willing at some level to put trust aside (not that you want to be blindsided) then how do you take a chance on the next thing that can screw you? Because if you don't take that chance, then you miss a huge part of living life.

    "Trust in God, but tie your camel first." ~~ the Prophet Mohammed