Something I said to a co-worker.

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    Feb 07, 2012 4:03 AM GMT
    "Hmhmhm... I think you forget your place with me. We aren't exactly close, and you haven't shown me a side of you that isn't the mask of shallow indulgences you show to everyone else. But... I'm happy to think that it might change; it's something to look forward to."

    When it came out I didn't think much about it, but in retrospect I felt like it might have been harsh.

    What do you think?

    And how blunt is too blunt? Do you prefer someone to be blunt over pleasing you with honeyed words?

    I felt bad. Hmhmhm.
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    Feb 07, 2012 4:08 AM GMT
    I don't think it's too harsh. What were the circumstances? Were you outside of the workplace?

    Sometimes you need to be that way with certain people. There's a guy I work with that eventually I had to level with and I said things that were similar and after that things changed and we've actually started to develop a friendship that none of the other coworkers have.

    I say I prefer the pure blunt responses, but really it depends on the situation and who is witnessing it.
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    Feb 07, 2012 4:11 AM GMT
    kdsbil saidI don't think it's too harsh. What were the circumstances? Were you outside of the workplace?

    Sometimes you need to be that way with certain people. There's a guy I work with that eventually I had to level with and I said things that were similar and after that things changed and we've actually started to develop a friendship that none of the other coworkers have.

    I say I prefer the pure blunt responses, but really it depends on the situation and who is witnessing it.


    Well she was disclosing really personal information, and she came out and asked me how close we really were because she didn't want to lay all that stuff on me if we weren't close. I don't mind listening at all, but I'm not the kind of person that would feel right if I let them believe that we were close when in fact I didn't feel very close. I felt like it was genuine. It just takes time for me to feel very close with someone.
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    Feb 07, 2012 4:16 AM GMT
    Well you were honest and if you couldn't say it any other way then so be it.
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    Feb 07, 2012 4:18 AM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said
    kdsbil saidI don't think it's too harsh. What were the circumstances? Were you outside of the workplace?

    Sometimes you need to be that way with certain people. There's a guy I work with that eventually I had to level with and I said things that were similar and after that things changed and we've actually started to develop a friendship that none of the other coworkers have.

    I say I prefer the pure blunt responses, but really it depends on the situation and who is witnessing it.


    Well she was disclosing really personal information, and she came out and asked me how close we really were because she didn't want to lay all that stuff on me if we weren't close. I don't mind listening at all, but I'm not the kind of person that would feel right if I let them believe that we were close when in fact I didn't feel very close. I felt like it was genuine. It just takes time for me to feel very close with someone.



    Well, then in my opinion what you said was justified. It had to be said. There may have been a more sugar coated way to put it, but you got the point across, albeit with a slight snark to it. I don't think it was too much. Don't feel bad.
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    Feb 07, 2012 5:03 AM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said... Do you prefer someone to be blunt over pleasing you with honeyed words?
    Yes. Sugar-coated bullshit is still bullshit. icon_wink.gif
  • mizu5

    Posts: 2599

    Feb 07, 2012 5:10 AM GMT
    You could have been... kinder about it but you didn't exactly act like an ass. I think it's fine?
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    Feb 07, 2012 5:13 AM GMT
    mizu5 saidYou could have been... kinder about it but you didn't exactly act like an ass. I think it's fine?
    I thought that my inflection would have made what I said OK. I was just worried. I definitely didn't want to seem like I was trying to hurt her feelings. Gosh I would feel terrible if I deliberately tried. icon_confused.gif
  • blueandgold

    Posts: 396

    Feb 07, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said"Hmhmhm... I think you forget your place with me. We aren't exactly close, and you haven't shown me a side of you that isn't the mask of shallow indulgences you show to everyone else. But... I'm happy to think that it might change; it's something to look forward to."

    When it came out I didn't think much about it, but in retrospect I felt like it might have been harsh.

    What do you think?

    And how blunt is too blunt? Do you prefer someone to be blunt over pleasing you with honeyed words?

    I felt bad. Hmhmhm.


    Unless I was trying to hurt someones feelings, I would refrain from using terms like "mask of shallow indulgences" to describe someone's behavior.

    It makes you sound cruel and possibly pretentious.

    But then, I wasn't there! Maybe "shallow indulgence" is a buzzword/buzz term at your office and everyone gets a giggle out of it.

  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Feb 07, 2012 5:42 AM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said"Hmhmhm... I think you forget your place with me. We aren't exactly close, and you haven't shown me a side of you that isn't the mask of shallow indulgences you show to everyone else. But... I'm happy to think that it might change; it's something to look forward to."

    When it came out I didn't think much about it, but in retrospect I felt like it might have been harsh.

    What do you think?

    And how blunt is too blunt? Do you prefer someone to be blunt over pleasing you with honeyed words?

    I felt bad. Hmhmhm.
    LOL Really? I thought I was bad but you have me beat by a long shot. At no point should feel that you can say or do what you did to anyone. If you do not like them than do not interact with them. I can see if you were out at a bar and someone did something to you but a work environment is totally different. If you are not careful, you could be seen as someone who do not like
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    Feb 07, 2012 5:43 AM GMT
    in this day and age? no such thing as too blunt.

    Example: I occasionally get a manicure. Nothing ridiculous and NEVER painted (hello? i work on cars...duh). My mother cannot handle me talking about this openly and tells me that its "weird" and "strange" and that "even gay guys don't talk like that". I have told her repeatedly and VERY bluntly to stop treating me that way because i DO NOT LIKE IT.

    She just doesn't get it and the only approach more blunt than my current one involves an engineer's hammer...messy...
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    Feb 07, 2012 5:59 AM GMT
    You can always apologize if you felt bad about saying something.

    I work with only females in Ed. and most of the time they're always chatting about their husbands/boyfriends/children/job...and it goes on and on. I use to be blunt about things, but now I've learned to relax more, listen often and be more respectful. Having a great rapport at work has helped me survive there. Good luck.
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    Feb 07, 2012 6:00 AM GMT
    The first half was a little bitchy, honestly. It was a power phrase meant for effect and although I bet it felt good when you said it, it doesn't seem to really reflect your goal at the end of your statement. Also, it's a comment someone who feels threatened would say, as a warning. BUT its hard to know whether it was warranted without context around the conversation. If the person was being an outright ass, then maybe your response was fine.

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    Feb 07, 2012 6:19 AM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said"and you haven't shown me a side


    That part is the only offensive part, but then it is your honest view.
    If she spoke to you afterwards I wouldn't be worried. If she said "Oh" and walked away I'd be worried.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Feb 07, 2012 6:22 AM GMT
    I think being honest is important, but it is possible to be too blunt. Having northern roots and living in the south, people think I'm too blunt all the time.
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    Feb 07, 2012 9:06 AM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said"Hmhmhm... I think you forget your place with me. We aren't exactly close, and you haven't shown me a side of you that isn't the mask of shallow indulgences you show to everyone else. But... I'm happy to think that it might change; it's something to look forward to."



    It sounds to me like you've harbor a level of animosity towards this woman and you choose not to be close to her. Those were pretty strong words you used with her that almost seemed to have just been blurted out, after building up. It doesn't just sound like a casual acquaintance with whom you are still building a relationship.

    That being said, your honesty might have been necessary to open her eyes to the way she is and maybe make room for change. However, if you truly have intentions to build a relationship with her, then tact would have been your better friend at this moment.

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    Feb 07, 2012 10:09 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidYou attract more fly with honey than with vinegar.
    You never what the person you treat rude today might mean to you tomorrow.
    Everyone has feelings. Don't you?


    Flies are insects that carry disease and go after trash. The saying is bees, and then again, you just get stung.

    Don't want either...

    It was direct and honest. People who can't handle honesty are going to be offended however you say it. You did start off a bit harsh with "I think you forget your place with me." That may have been too much, but it sounds like they have not shown much in the area of respect and honesty.
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    Feb 07, 2012 10:14 AM GMT
    You sound like a cunt.

    Really, you said that to someone? If you think that lowly of the person, why are you friends with them?
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    Feb 07, 2012 11:13 AM GMT
    Soulasphyxi said
    mizu5 saidYou could have been... kinder about it but you didn't exactly act like an ass. I think it's fine?
    I thought that my inflection would have made what I said OK. I was just worried. I definitely didn't want to seem like I was trying to hurt her feelings. Gosh I would feel terrible if I deliberately tried. icon_confused.gif

    IF you deliberately tried? Don't you know?

    The "forget your place" line should only be used with subordinates, within a fairly rigid and strictly defined authority structure. If this is an equal co-worker then it does seem inappropriate.

    What you probably meant to convey was that the workplace wasn't the place for such personal discussions, and that you were uneasy with this matter.

    But the "mask of shallow indulgences" was an additional personal slam that unfortunately went even further. That's the sort of snarky comment I save for here on RJ, and maybe you should, too.
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    Feb 07, 2012 11:30 AM GMT
    wow

    Just wow

    Like, I can be an absolute prick and come out with some really freakin harsh shit, especially when someone isn't getting the hint and I"m getting really pissed off.

    But to use those terms.

    That even crosses a line for me.
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    Feb 07, 2012 11:55 AM GMT
    I'd have that bitch written up...then look at myself in the mirror.

    Do you happen to work at Retards R Us?
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    Feb 07, 2012 11:56 AM GMT
    I talk like that all the time. I've told people flat out that we aren't friends so they can't be talking to me in certain way. You were being honest in your response. The problem with honesty is that it's a byproduct of reality and it's not always nice. Some people just need to deal it with and move on. If the person took what you said to heart then oh well I guess.
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    Feb 07, 2012 12:00 PM GMT
    I'm from the south - and that would be considered a bit harsh - depending on the circumstances. We really don't have the full picture.

    If the person was reaching and trying to get to know you better - then definitely.

    If the person was trying to stick his/her nose into your business where it didn't belong - then it was probably reasonable.

    Generally, you should go with your gut. If you felt you were being harsh, simply apologize by clarifying it with the person. "I think that came out a bit harsh the other day. What I was really trying to say is that I would like to get to know you better..."

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    Feb 07, 2012 12:32 PM GMT
    Who speaks like that? Really?

    It's harsh but if you feel that way then fine.
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    Feb 07, 2012 2:09 PM GMT
    Sounds like a practiced line that you had been thinking in your head, but wasn't appropriate.

    Do you know what "you forget your place" means? It is said by someone powertripping about their position of authority, meaning "your place is to do what I say, not talk back".

    The "mask of shallowness" was a nasty way to say it.

    I choose compassionate honesty first, then blunt honesty, and lastly cruel honesty all over phoniness.