Hot then, suddenly, cold - how can interest die so abruptly?

  • theguyintown

    Posts: 19

    Feb 07, 2012 8:10 PM GMT
    I am in my late twenties and, having just come out of a long relationship, I have really not dated much.

    Regardless, I have been more active over the past 6 months and, as a result, have gone on a few dates. A couple of those didn't work for no chemistry, but I did make a couple of strong connections with two guys. Both of those guys initiated contact after our dates and we ended up going out for about a month - an intense, wonderful month we both enjoyed. The attraction was mutual, there was support. laughter, banter and we loved hanging out together.

    I was not so much caught by surprise when I got the "not ready for a relationship, but let's stay friends" line in both cases as I was surprised about how the line was delivered and what followed after that. Excuses were previous relationships and too much personal drama. Never mind. I was very hurt initially, but got over it eventually. And now, I am disheartrened and really confused.

    I am baffled how one can go from hot to cold and seemingly uninterested in the span of one day? How can you share everything with a person one day then wake up the next day and say "Actually, I don't want this. And I don't really want to talk to you anymore." Nothing really happened, no arguments, none of us met anyone new.

    Both of the guys stopped communication with me immediately - admittedly, one of them stayed in touch and we do talk, very little, every now and again, but I think it's soon before that fizzles out completely too.

    Maybe I am the minority, but this sudden change of heart seems so abrupt and strange to me. I wasn't necessarily expecting a relationship, but no interest in staying friends? In talking? One day I am your friend the next a stranger?

    Is this what I should be expecting in the dating world? Am I too naive? I am really crushed by these experiences and terribly disheartened.
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    Feb 07, 2012 9:12 PM GMT
    Guys are weird. Labels, commitment, and the so forth are like chains, cages, and prisons to us. Once we start to feel something to another person, we start to focus on all the opportunities that we would lose, instead of the opportunity that we would gain.

    They got cold feet, thats all man. Its not like you did anything, but it probably went a little too fast for them. Just keep being social, dont pressure people into settling, and have a good time man.
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    Feb 07, 2012 9:18 PM GMT
    That's life of dating. People are just hard to figure out that it's sometimes just not worth expending the energy to try to figure it out. The right one will come along eventually.
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    Feb 07, 2012 9:19 PM GMT
    I call this the "blind, intense lift off, crash and burn" I've been on both side, a lot of yhe times both sought validation and not necessarily a relationship, once the infatuation was over they'd realize what it was that brought them to the point they're at now, and begin making excuses.
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    Feb 07, 2012 9:28 PM GMT
    You say you have just come out of a long relationship. Do you approach new relationships with a fresh outlook or do you regard them as a poor substitute for what you used to have? If it is the latter, these guys may be picking up on that.
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    Feb 07, 2012 9:30 PM GMT
    I agree its a bit strange when that happens.. it doesnt happen to me that my interest in someone dies so abruptly, but Ive seen it happen on the other side a few times icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 07, 2012 9:31 PM GMT
    Wow man sorry to hear. I wish I could answer that for ya but I would also like to know why this always happens
    Because it's happened to me a number of times in the past year or so too ha
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    Feb 07, 2012 9:41 PM GMT
    Conversely, I found that happened quite a bit when I was single, so I think it not unusual. It happens among straight people too, though I think less often because man/woman communication is often not like same sex communication. Usually a month was about the time it took for myself or whomever I was seeing to decide how I or he felt. Now how two people go about remaining friends or parting is where classy or tacky enter the picture.

    -Doug
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Feb 07, 2012 9:53 PM GMT
    maybe the sex was bad. or maybe you did not put out fast enough
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    Feb 07, 2012 10:10 PM GMT
    Guys date cus they are horny. Did they move on cus you weren't getting a fuck on with them?
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    Feb 07, 2012 10:31 PM GMT
    That is status quo for the dating world and my experience is far above average in numbers alone!
    It is a common issue for pretty much everyone and you are not being singled out by the universe to be the butt of a heinous, cruel cosmic joke.
    The reality is this:
    We all have our issues, we all project feelings or desired outcomes usually very inadvertently. Making real connections that are sustainable, fulfilling AND healthy are so difficult! Compatibility is much more than just having a mutual (and certainly not just a one-sided) desire to be with one another.
    There is a veritable cornucopia (I don't get to use that word enough) of small, benign, generally inconsequential "things" that could scare a guy off that have absolutely NOTHING to do with you.
    When a guy bails, it has *everything* to do with what is going on in his head and much less to do with anything you did or didn't do.

    ----------- Don't get serious about someone you have not had conflict with: How someone treats you when they don't agree with you is a HUGE sign of how they really feel about you... *and vice versa*
    ----------- Don't take casual dating personal: 'Getting to know someone' is just that. The familiarity of being in an LTR is not built in a day, week or month. Don't impose the familiarity you had with your ex on these guys you know so little about. Your heart and well being are worth protecting.
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    Feb 07, 2012 10:53 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted said
    ----------- Don't take casual dating personal: 'Getting to know someone' is just that. The familiarity of being in an LTR is not built in a day, week or month. Don't impose the familiarity you had with your ex on these guys you know so little about. Your heart and well being are worth protecting.


    This! Sometimes I notice after two or three dates when I realize i'm not feeling someone in that way, they treat me like i'm horrible for leading them on. I think it takes time to get to know someone and if you can be mature and say that you're not into it after a few dates both parties are better off.
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    Feb 07, 2012 11:11 PM GMT
    It often isn't actually that sudden... at least to the person involved who makes the decision to end it. A lot of guys are poor communicators, or simply hoping that the positives will eventually win out over whatever reservations that they feel. The end result is the same, whatever the core motivation for cutting the relationship, sadly.

    It happens a lot... so just remember that there are other guys out there that *won't* be like that, and you'll eventually find the right one for you. Until then, live in the moment and savour the times you share along the way.
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    Feb 07, 2012 11:12 PM GMT
    I'm going to go with a blunt remark and say they probably weren't as "hot" as you thought they were. People cant just dismiss feelings so suddenly but they can pretend to feel very easily. The real issue is trying to establish when they're "hot" or just pretending.

    Just my thought on it
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Feb 07, 2012 11:26 PM GMT
    One of the things that scares me in the gay world is finding true love. I have trouble looking past the superficiality and gogo lifestyle and sometimes feel that, because we are all guys, I'll live a life of relationship one day, single the next day..

    But RJ is a constant reminder that there are plenty of other men that are just like me, who only want to find that special someone to take care of, to spoil, and make their number one priority...forever!

    I have faith in you buddy, you'll find that someone.
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    Feb 07, 2012 11:29 PM GMT
    Young_Sir said
    EasilyDistracted said
    ----------- Don't take casual dating personal: 'Getting to know someone' is just that. The familiarity of being in an LTR is not built in a day, week or month. Don't impose the familiarity you had with your ex on these guys you know so little about. Your heart and well being are worth protecting.


    This! Sometimes I notice after two or three dates when I realize i'm not feeling someone in that way, they treat me like i'm horrible for leading them on. I think it takes time to get to know someone and if you can be mature and say that you're not into it after a few dates both parties are better off.

    It's the number one red flag for me.
    I call it "Insert Boyfriend Here" syndrome.
    Guys who try to nail you down don't want a relationship, they want a possession. And that behavior is usually from poor self esteem coupled with a fear of being alone because they have such low self esteem.
    Even if he seems great up front and I'm initially into it too, the "Insert Boyfriend Here" guy is the one I run from fastest.
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    Feb 07, 2012 11:44 PM GMT
    two words (which also happen to be someone's screen name)

    Easily Distracted.

    Oh...and also, the more you get to know someone (e.g. go on more than two dates), the more you realize whether you can be compatible or not.
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    Feb 07, 2012 11:49 PM GMT
    closer85 saidtwo words (which also happen to be someone's screen name)

    Easily Distracted.

    Oh...and also, the more you get to know someone (e.g. go on more than two dates), the more you realize whether you can be compatible or not.


    "...oh look a Snickers!"

    icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif

    I'm sorry... were we dating when that happened?
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    Feb 07, 2012 11:53 PM GMT
    EasilyDistracted said
    closer85 saidtwo words (which also happen to be someone's screen name)

    Easily Distracted.

    Oh...and also, the more you get to know someone (e.g. go on more than two dates), the more you realize whether you can be compatible or not.


    "...oh look a Snickers!"

    icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif

    I'm sorry... were we dating when that happened?


    I don't know...but I might consider it icon_wink.gif
  • psustud

    Posts: 111

    Feb 08, 2012 12:09 AM GMT
    Alpha13 saidGuys date cus they are horny. Did they move on cus you weren't getting a fuck on with them?


    I tend to agree with this.

    I've been through this a couple of times (even started a thread like this after one of the first experiences) and it seems to always suck... Hard.

    Especially when you think you FINALLY found the exception... Someone different from the others; Someone more like yourself.

    I still don't understand it. Since this is not something I've ever done to someone else I'm always left bewildered and unable to relate to guys who pull this kind of crap.

    I think maybe it comes down to short attention spans, lack of *honest* communication/question asking and/or pure weirdness. Lol.

    I have no solid advice nor wisdom except to say to you what I am STILL having to say to myself after going through this not so recently (lol) ...

    Hang in there buddy. You'll find the right one.
    You'll find a guy that feels for you what you what you feel for him.
  • psustud

    Posts: 111

    Feb 08, 2012 12:18 AM GMT
    EasilyDistracted said
    Young_Sir said
    EasilyDistracted said
    ----------- Don't take casual dating personal: 'Getting to know someone' is just that. The familiarity of being in an LTR is not built in a day, week or month. Don't impose the familiarity you had with your ex on these guys you know so little about. Your heart and well being are worth protecting.


    This! Sometimes I notice after two or three dates when I realize i'm not feeling someone in that way, they treat me like i'm horrible for leading them on. I think it takes time to get to know someone and if you can be mature and say that you're not into it after a few dates both parties are better off.

    It's the number one red flag for me.
    I call it "Insert Boyfriend Here" syndrome.
    Guys who try to nail you down don't want a relationship, they want a possession. And that behavior is usually from poor self esteem coupled with a fear of being alone because they have such low self esteem.
    Even if he seems great up front and I'm initially into it too, the "Insert Boyfriend Here" guy is the one I run from fastest.



    Yet another good way to think about this.

    Though I honestly don't fall for dudes often or too easily I'll come right out and say that I may fall SOMEWHAT into the "insert boyfriend here" category

    ...maybe

    Though I very very rarely find someone I want to "insert..."....

    ****Number of guys I have EVER met that I wanted to date long term or "insert (boyfriend) here"?

    In all my adult life... Maybe 3!!!
    maybe that's why a guy like me would get too attached.
    I definitely fell hard 2 of the 3 times and the last was the hardest to let go of.


    DAMN Mr. "Easily Distracted" you called me out WAY too efficiently.... Did you every go through this phase????
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    Feb 08, 2012 12:23 AM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said
    EastCoastNAZ said The right one will come along eventually.

    Or not.


    i think i love you for making me lol so much.
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    Feb 08, 2012 12:32 AM GMT
    Give him 2 weeks. Then you'll get that awkward text. Rinse, wash, repeat.
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    Feb 08, 2012 12:37 AM GMT
    Yeah I've found this to be true also and it's bizarre. I have on occasion gotten hot and cold with guys myself but actions and feelings don't always mesh. I've hooked up with guys and thought it went well and never heard from them again, dated guys I thought it went amazing and never heard from them and other times I thought it was lukewarm and heard back.

    Dating is a tough and often times illogical series of rejections, highs and lows. Try to just stay grounded and keep hope that you'll find a guy worth spending your time with.
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    Feb 08, 2012 12:39 AM GMT
    huhwhat saidGive him 2 weeks. Then you'll get that awkward text. Rinse, wash, repeat.


    This too.