would you leave someone you love if they gained weight?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2007 4:54 AM GMT
    Reading a forum in here about gaining weight when your in a relationship and wondered what if only one of you gained weight? What if one person genetically didnt have to try and was naturally in shape but the other gained weight? Would you leave them or tuff it out for love? Would it affect your sexual attraction to them if you had already fallen in love with them?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Jul 29, 2007 12:41 PM GMT
    That's a tuff one...
    I'd hope I wouldn't be that shallow
    but then again if I was in a relationship one of the things that keeps two cemented together is that both would take the time and effort to look the best they can for each other
    ...I'd have to reserve an answer until I get there
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Jul 29, 2007 2:07 PM GMT
    Unfortunately , yes I would leave him. I was in this kinda relationship before. Its not something I intentionally want to do. It start with sexual frustration. Then I start looking and fantasizing about other sexier guy, Then finally the temptation is so great that I start cheating behind his back. Love start to became a little difficult when inside you are torture with unfullfill desire and sexual frustration.

    I am not the only cheater. When I became fat some of the guy I go out with cheat on me or simply lost interest it me.
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    Jul 29, 2007 2:42 PM GMT
    I doubt it would ever be that simple. I may never be in another relationship which doesn't bother me one way or another but if by some slim chance I were to find a solemate and then the guy started gaining weight there would most certainly be many other factors involved. I find people who let themselves go have such a different philosophy then I do. They would rather veg around the house then go for a strenuous hike or some other outdoor activity. I wouldn't care if someone were sick of weightlifting or going to the gym and running like a rat on a treadmill. If he were to gradually gain a few pounds that comes with age without a major change in lifestyle I wouldn’t give a shit. But if he were to give in to an inactive lifestyle I expect it would be accompanied with a feeling of depression and of being powerless. If I found myself doing all my activities by myself because my mate has lost interest that could be a problem. The real question is do you stay with someone who stubbornly self-destructs. Do you stay with someone who refuses to admit that he has a depression and yet seems to be losing the joy of doing anything to pull himself out of that state? Do you stay with him at the risk of being pulled into his dark morose view of the world or do you give yourself space so that at least one of you can avoid a downward spiral.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jul 29, 2007 2:43 PM GMT
    No, I don't believe I would. I would encourage him to lose weight and get in shape. I was fat once. I was fat when I met my boyfriend and we fell in love when I was fat. Now, I know he did not like that I was fat, but yet he fell in love with me, that way, and wanted to be with me. After I fell in love, I decided to lose weight and I did. I always try my best to look as good as possible for my man and he does also.

    I think if the love is there you can encourage your partner to keep in shape. But you have to be a support to him. Unless it is a medical condition that is making him gain weight, and if that is the case, then I pose the question. Would you leave your partner if he got sick? My answer. No I would not.

    Mike
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    Jul 29, 2007 3:11 PM GMT
    How much weight are we talking about?
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    Jul 29, 2007 3:31 PM GMT
    I believe that many gay men are in love with the /idea/ of a LTR committed relationship, but as soon as the going gets rough -- or one partner blimps out -- it's over.

    Hence, I'd like to ask this question: How do you define the word love?

    In the famous words of the Spaniard Inigo Montoya: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means, what you think it means."
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    Jul 29, 2007 4:11 PM GMT
    I want to be loved for my taste in books. And for my ability to select just the right coffee to match the moment.

    (I'll post a picture a few more weeks into my Abs Diet.)
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    Jul 29, 2007 4:27 PM GMT
    Love is not temporary. Love itself is a commitment. By telling someone you love them, it's a promise of sorts, that you want them in your life forever. People change, love fails, but if two people are dedicated, then love will last forever.

    I've told three people in my life that I love them, two are my parents, and one is my ex. We spent every day for an entire year together before I told him I loved him. It's a word so many throw around, which is why most will never achieve it, they settle for less.

    Generally, love and lust are two different things, but for a relationship to be optimal, both must be present. Therefore, I quantify it by my situation. I feel I am young, if I am with someone that lets themselves go to the point where they are physically unattractive to me, then why would I stay with them? I have a lot of life to live, and I'm not going to let my youth be wasted like so many of my elders regret.

    I don't necessarily care about things like weight gain, but it is something that shouldn't happen if you are with me, cause like friendormate, I am relatively active and would like a boyfriend that can also be an activity/gym partner. However, my ex and I discussed all possible scenarios, severed limbs, disfigurement, and both of us agreed that these things are dealbreakers. Sorry that you lost your lower body, but I can't still be your boyfriend. But if love is there, then the connection will not be lost, just the lust. There are worse fates.
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    Jul 29, 2007 4:35 PM GMT
    My partner gained a huge amount of weight after we'd been together about 7 years. He's made no effort to lose it.

    It bothered the hell out of me at first. My first response was to ignore it, while cursing him inside. Then it became clear I was gonna have to express my feelings about it. That was even more difficult.

    Now, I'm pretty indifferent to it. My concern has shifted from appearance to health. I should say that we opened our relationship to outside sexual play before his weight gain.

  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jul 29, 2007 4:44 PM GMT
    Sureshot,

    You have totally confused me. Maybe I am not reading it right, but I think you are contradicting yourself.

    Mike
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    Jul 29, 2007 4:53 PM GMT
    I understand it, obviously because I wrote it, but I realize it's not my most focused post.

    What part seems contradicting? The only thing I can think of offhand is the fact that I infer that just because you are in love with someone doesn't mean you are in a relationship with them. If you assume love and a relationship are the same thing, then my post is contradicting.

    Does that help? Or was it something else?
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jul 29, 2007 4:56 PM GMT
    I understand you now. Thank's

    Mike
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    Jul 29, 2007 5:08 PM GMT
    No problem, I appreciate you letting me know it was hard to follow.
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    Jul 29, 2007 5:47 PM GMT
    Well, when I met my partner I was 150 lbs and not afraid to take off my shirt. In the past few years, as I’ve discussed in my profile, I went through a few “things” and gained some weight, I’m now around 180 and doing what I can to work it off. He tells me he still finds me attractive, but I certainly don’t find myself to be sexual or attractive at all. We’ve been together five years and we have faced a number of hardships together and this is one more hurdle we will overcome.

    Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

    me, circa 2003 in my barracks room, shortly before I met my husband.
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    Jul 29, 2007 5:49 PM GMT
    and I was NEVER a TWINK!
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    Jul 29, 2007 6:03 PM GMT
    Good post Chad. Some people do not understand that relationships are work no matter how in love you are. I,for one, could not leave someone that I am truly in love with and I have proven it in the past. Gaining weight has nothing to do with the person however I believe it should be discussed and both people need to be willing to give a little to help the situation. Communication is key!
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    Jul 29, 2007 6:11 PM GMT
    My boyfriend and I were chunkier than we are now when we first met. Today, we're working together to get in great shape not only for ourselves, but each other. It takes time, but every pound lost or benchmark passed makes me respect and love him more.

    Do I think love is unconditional? It can be; in my experience, the best kinds of love are. Do I think relationships are? No.

    With this in mind, looking at the number of post views, I'd bet there are a number of you reading this topic who don't have the balls to respond affirmatively that you'd dump your boyfriend or husband. That's a personal choice, I suppose. I personally think it's a bit sad, but again, that's your choice.

    I think it's sad because the one thing that is constant about human beings is change itself. No matter how much we would like to believe that we can stay perfectly the same as we were at a certain point are fooling ourselves. Whether this is because gay men have an obsession with perfection or youth (or both), I cannot say.

    If you lost an arm, lost a leg, or gained weight (by the way, are these things really in the same league to may of you...wow..), things may change, including some of your feelings for that person. The question then becomes "what do you do about it?" For me, I'd address it directly with the person I loved and made a commitment to. From there, I'd ask us to see if anything can be done in the short and long term to solve the situation, including exercise and a better diet. Remember, if your honey has gained weight, then he probably is feeling in the dumps himself; he may need some help from his boyfriend (yeah, that's you...remember?) Part of being in a relationship is helping each other out in tough spots. From there, if the situation, in fact, cannot be addressed by both of you privately through some kind of action, I'd probably seek counseling together before ending the relationship for two reasons. One is that there may be some changing made to your behavior or thought processes that will enable you to better cope with the situation. Two is that you may end up deeply regretting leaving your loved one later, which may be more damaging than staying with them. A counselor may be able to determine whether the pros outweigh the cons of leaving. In any case, a fresh perspective never hurts. If after all of this, and after a therapist says its the best for you personally, then I'd make preparations to leave.

    These steps probably should be reserved for someone you truly love and have made commitments to, not a fuckbuddy or casual boyfriend. And of course, all of these steps require gay men to treat their relationships as more than an easy outlet for sex and an expression of vanity. And that requires maturity. And that's something I think many of us are sorely lacking.

    If you truly "love" him, all of him, then I think the preceding steps are the least you can do.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2007 6:12 PM GMT
    I was the fat one in the relationship for half of the 6.5 years. It sucked. He ate better, excercised, but started a lean kid and grew into a lean adult. I lost the weight to please him, and did it the easy way with cigarettes and alcohol. Of course it came back.

    It wasn't until I decided that I was comfortable at 180-185 at 6 ft. that I really could be at peace, understand what a full body meant vs. "gay-thin", etc. Then I met an incredible guy. He helped me eat right, workout better and made me want to feel better. I did it for me.

    But your original question -- would I leave my partner if he got fat? No. Is that any different than broke, sick or sad? Come on -- when are we going to get past issues of surface beauty? Yes, you must be attracted to your mate, but that's not based 100% on outward appearance, at least it shouldn't be.

    Be well,
    Jon
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    Jul 29, 2007 6:32 PM GMT
    I read the pdboxer thing above. Talk about fucked up body image. I don't understand gay anorexia. I had a guy the other day: 5'11, 125, telling me his was fat. Obviously, loads of mental illness floating around.

    Fatness, alcoholism, being a tobacco user, being a doper, being late all the time, all have do with poor self-discipline. When that discipline fails, it generally means deeper underlying issues are at work.

    The is absolutely nothing wrong with setting standards. E.g.: if we are TRULY interested in saving LIVES, we need to outlaw fat kids, and not waste a BILLION dollars a day on "the war on drugs." As a society, we have some fucked up views. Here's another example: if a fat person takes their shirt off, they are just a fat person staying cool, but...if I take my shirt off, well.., that's a whole 'nuther story.

    Back to standards. As a society, we are WAY, WAY, WAY, to accepting of bad behavior, incompetence, and a total lack of personal responsiblity. If you don't want a fat boyfriend, or a fat girlfriend, tell them so, and if they don't fix it, move on. You have EVERY RIGHT to set standard for those you chose to work for, call your friends, spend time with, and fuck the brains out of. You do NOT have to be all accepting.

    If I have a weak bodypart, I don't coddle it, enabling it to so stay weak, or to get weaker. Instead, I set the standard for that part higher, and I work the shit out of it, until it steps up. You have every right to set high expectations, and when folks fail, you have every right to dump them.
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    Jul 29, 2007 7:00 PM GMT
    A straight friend once told me, "You don't look at the mantel while you're poking the fire." It seems that gays have a lot of possible positions which don't involve, let's say, careful scrutiny of each other's physiques. I want to believe my body is merely a springboard to even greater fantasies. Afterwards, we can put on our clothes, have some coffee, and discuss Pynchon.

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    Jul 29, 2007 7:05 PM GMT
    Chucky,

    Well, I guess everyone has a right to their own world view and lifestyle, as you have a right to yours. In my opinion, though, yours doesn't leave much room for error, mistakes, or imperfection. It seems to demand that everyone meet your standards, or they are deemed a "societal reject" and should be dealt with or eliminated.

    I guess I would ask how comfortable a guy would feel in a relationship with someone who felt that way? I mean, if he has to continually "step up" to meet your standards or pay a price, can he ever truly relax? Is that truly conducive to a meaningful relationship?

    And doesn't that open up the possibility that your partner or boyfriend may resent you for setting standards as a requirement for your love or affection? And what happens if you gain weight by chance? Are you to be held to the same standards?

    Lots of questions about this way of thinking.

    J
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    Jul 29, 2007 7:15 PM GMT
    Chucky, I agree with you on one point. Being unfit or fat is most likely a result of a lack of self discipline. I’m fairly confident I’ve identified most of my underlying issues. PTSD from my time in the sandbox is the main catalyst for many of my issues. Thankfully I feel that sticking to a workout routine and remaining active have improved my depression. Results are not always quick, but I have to re-discipline myself and stick with it.

    Some days I wish I could go back to Basic Training. Nine weeks of hardcore shite would defiantly get be back to where I want to be.

    Relationships are work and if you truly love someone, you will attempt to work things out. It doesn’t always work, but effort is usually expanded.
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    Jul 29, 2007 7:44 PM GMT
    I can't believe this thread even exists. To think people would leave something so rare because of something so shallow.

    I'm very disappointed.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jul 29, 2007 8:09 PM GMT
    Well said menu2. Your man is lucky to have you.

    Mike