How to break the ice with a "straight" guy crush?

  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Feb 09, 2012 12:42 AM GMT
    Hey,

    So there is a lovely guy who until recently has been very friendly towards me, at first he seemed cool, but then I developed a huge emotional crush on him. My gut is that he is not gay but a few things he has said have made me wonder - I've surmised there's a 10% chance that he IS gay and interested, which is too high to ignore.

    I felt pretty guilty, awkward about my feelings for him. He was just being friendly and I was fantasizing about more. So I made a point of avoiding him, because I was becoming a nervous wreck in his presence. We see each other most days but he hardly ever says hi anymore (it's my fault - I never learned how to do this and find it excruciatingly difficult to do). The thing is I don't want to cut the guy off but at the same time I don't know how to suss him out or get to know him more, without exposing myself. In addition we see each other most days at work, and it's horrible, if he's around, I will completely ignore him, because I don't have the guts to talk to him. Until recently he would say hi to me and have short chats - but I guess he got sick of me never instigating it - so he stopped.

    If I knew for sure that he was straight, I think I'd get over him easily but without knowing for sure, I can't stop my feelings. Also assuming he's straight, I find that intimidating...I feel like there's a barrier between us?

    Either way, I am a very shy person who needs tips for things to say to speak to him again... things to break the ice... we have exhausted all the mundane things like "how are you" or "where are you from" or "do you like x"...

    What else can one say to a theoretically straight guy ? Without making it look like I'm into him ? Just friends type of talk? I've no idea! Thanks!

    (he does not know that I am gay, however my nature can slowly give it away over time, if you know what I mean).
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    Feb 09, 2012 2:07 AM GMT
    download grindr and check out your phone when you are near him.
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    Feb 09, 2012 2:21 AM GMT
    You're not going to get anywhere until you talk to him more and get over your insecurity.

    I do the same thing around guys I like--avoid. I get afraid I'm going to immediately come out to everyone nearby with how fast I start betraying my "wow-you're-so-hot-and-I'm-so-happy-to-be-in-your-presence-oh-hot,-hot,-hot-stud icon_smile.gif" face.

    If you don't talk to him, you'll lose the opportunity. If he finds out you're gay, well that's just gonna be true and you'll have to deal with it. You'll also find out how to deal. If you don't pursue him, you won't grow.

    Now I need to take my own advice.
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    Feb 09, 2012 2:23 AM GMT
    You are being way to insecure, and that is why he has shied away. So, stop doing that, relax, and just be yourself. Maybe go apologize to him, and offer to be friends again. If he accepts, don't ponder whether he is gay or not, just be yourself and be his friend, be normal. If he is into you HE will do something. He's a guy, that's how most guys think. They go after what they want.


  • slo_jock86

    Posts: 135

    Feb 09, 2012 2:31 AM GMT
    Grab his junk and tell him that you want to show him how you can suck a golf ball thru a water hose.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Feb 09, 2012 2:42 AM GMT
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    Feb 09, 2012 4:23 PM GMT
    Here's an exercise for you mindblank:

    If someone here posted this, what advice would you give him?

    "So there is a lovely guy who until recently has been very friendly towards me, at first he seemed cool, but then I developed a huge emotional crush on him. My gut is that he is not gay but a few things he has said have made me wonder - I've surmised there's a 10% chance that he IS gay and interested, which is too high to ignore.

    I felt pretty guilty, awkward about my feelings for him. He was just being friendly and I was fantasizing about more. So I made a point of avoiding him, because I was becoming a nervous wreck in his presence. We see each other most days but he hardly ever says hi anymore (it's my fault - I never learned how to do this and find it excruciatingly difficult to do). The thing is I don't want to cut the guy off but at the same time I don't know how to suss him out or get to know him more, without exposing myself. In addition we see each other most days at work, and it's horrible, if he's around, I will completely ignore him, because I don't have the guts to talk to him. Until recently he would say hi to me and have short chats - but I guess he got sick of me never instigating it - so he stopped.

    If I knew for sure that he was straight, I think I'd get over him easily but without knowing for sure, I can't stop my feelings. Also assuming he's straight, I find that intimidating...I feel like there's a barrier between us?

    Either way, I am a very shy person who needs tips for things to say to speak to him again... things to break the ice... we have exhausted all the mundane things like "how are you" or "where are you from" or "do you like x"...

    What else can one say to a theoretically straight guy ? Without making it look like I'm into him ? Just friends type of talk? I've no idea! Thanks!

    (he does not know that I am gay, however my nature can slowly give it away over time, if you know what I mean)."


    Now, tell the fellow what to do. Post it here.

    warmly, and intrigued,

    -Doug

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    Feb 09, 2012 5:23 PM GMT
    Do you have any friends? How did you get to know them?

    My friendships usually started by an exchange of phone numbers, followed by hanging out at a party, or a pub, or something of that sort. Of course this requires, you know, talking to the person.

    If you've exhausted both small talk AND talking about friends, family, life etc. (which I find hard to believe) it might be time to ask him to join you for lunch, no?
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    Feb 09, 2012 5:31 PM GMT
    tell him youre sorry for avoiding him but you did it because you are interested and weren't sure if he was gay. then ask him on a date. if he's gay maybe he will say yes. if he is not gay and doesnt care that you are then he will say no but now you can talk and be friends again. if he is not gay and doesnt like gays then you guys wont talk just like you are not talking now, so nothing changes.
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Feb 09, 2012 8:31 PM GMT
    Wow, I can't believe the replies so far! I was expecting a lot of negative attitudes, thanks for the replies guys. I really appreciate your suggestions.

    In reply to some of what was said so far:

    I KNOW that I must talk to him. There is no way I can tell if he's interested without knowing him more and sussing the situation out better - as I think it's a small chance only that he is gay. And since we see each other every day at work I'm not willing to live in the shadow of having spilled my guts in case he is straight, which he most probably is - with no clear signals from him so far, to blurt out that I think he's cute is no option. Not to mention insulting to him if he is straight, as he has been kind enough to me.

    Also if I apologised for ignoring him - it might look like I'm being rather presumptive (if that's a word) about us being "buddies", we barely know each other and for the guy who asked I have very few friends and any had to pursue me for ages to get to that stage so I'm not that sociable to begin with, that's why I'm here asking I suppose. I don't want people to think I am an annoying stalker. Apologising for not always saying hello to him when we barely know each other, it might not be appropriate? (My mind is clouded with infatuation).

    It's what to talk about that will make us get to know each other a bit better, without me coming on too strong or showing ANY signs of a crush, that's what I'm asking advice on?
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    Feb 09, 2012 8:40 PM GMT
    9647391.jpg
    Use this pickup line...
    icon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gif
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Feb 09, 2012 8:40 PM GMT
    meninlove said Here's an exercise for you mindblank:
    If someone here posted this, what advice would you give him?
    "[original post]"
    Now, tell the fellow what to do. Post it here.
    warmly, and intrigued,
    -Doug


    I would tell them sorry but I'm no use in those situations! I know what you're doing and it is help but the reason I'm asking is because I do not have the social knowledge, skills or experience to make this work. In the past I would avoid all people at all costs. ie the reason I am asking is because I do not know how I can improve the situation or make it work.

    If I was faking it I would say "talk to him" but that's not what I'm asking, I'm asking for specific ideas for us to talk about and how to basically make a friend out of him or at least die trying? I will approach him one day soon but with no ideas for anything to say what's the point? Need to plan in advance.
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    Feb 09, 2012 8:41 PM GMT
    if he's a work colleague, why don't you just ask him what he's doing for lunch and see if he wants to join you. or a coffee break? talk to the man. people like to talk about themselves so ask questions.

    he might just say: "i just broke up with my boyfriend, steve, and i really appreciate you listening to me. you seem like an awesome dude. i wish you were gay." haha, who knows? the first guy i ever kissed (i didn't come out for a few more years) was after i'd asked him about his girlfriend and he said: "girlfriend? haha, i'm gay. what about you?"

    he might also mention his wife, girlfriend or fiance. maybe even something about how in his church, they burn gay guys at the stake and it's super awesome. the one thing that's for sure, you're never going to learn anything about him if you don't talk to him.
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    Feb 09, 2012 8:42 PM GMT
    azimmwax said9647391.jpg
    Use this pickup line...
    icon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gif


    lol
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    Feb 09, 2012 8:48 PM GMT
    mindblank said . And since we see each other every day at work I'm not willing to live in the shadow of having spilled my guts


    Even if your wildest dreams are true and he is 1) gay and 2) open to dating you, this is a good reason not to pursue things beyond a friendship. Even if 1) and 2) are true, there is still (based on the statistical data seen in RJ threads) a 90% chance that it won't work out and one or both of you will soon be nursing a grudge against the other.
    Even before the concept of "YCYL" was invented there was the far more valid "Don't shit where you eat."
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    Feb 09, 2012 8:48 PM GMT
    even if you are not relaxed about it, you have to come across as relaxed, that this is not a big deal to you. I think the biggest thing that would freak a straight guy out is that someone is suddenly very intensely into them, for reasons sexual or otherwise. My straight friends have advised me in the past to "don't over think it" ... they don't sweat the details of friendships the way that women (and I guess many gay guys) do (or if they do, it's not "manly" to admit it).

    Be fun and interested in what he has to say. Be someone he would want to be around (or -- more importantly -- someone YOU would want to be around!). That is the kind of personality that people are drawn to... if they walk away from an encounter with you with a smile on their face, they'll come back for more.

    Since you don't know anything about his sexuality and you are not comfortable being up-front with yours, I think you should concentrate on just making friends with him and developing a level of trust. Then if he is on "your team" and there is mutual attraction there, it will be on top of a solid friendship. And if it isn't meant to be that, you'll find out organically instead of doing this kind of stealthy dance around the idea.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Feb 09, 2012 8:49 PM GMT
    As far as what to talk about goes, look for similar interests. Better yet, look for something that is happening right then like a fancy car going by or a great looking dog. You could even go for "Did you watch the Super Bowl ads?"

    If you don't get stonewalled, and you probably will not, ask him if he has time for a beer or coffee sometime. If he says yes, then fix a time, like this afternoon, or tomorrow after class. That will help to prevent it looking like a date per se. If he asks why just say that you don't know many folks and though he might like to hang out.

    Practice at home if you need to, but don't flirt and keep it light.
  • pchoc8

    Posts: 4

    Feb 09, 2012 8:59 PM GMT
    You're over-analyzing the situation. Just initiate normal conversations. Find something in common... the gym, cars, etc. If you have a feeling he is straight, then he probably is. After talking with him a few times, you will know without having to ask. Simply talk with him in a normal, platonic way to get it off your mind. Realism is not that exciting, but it's better than being embarrassed.
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Feb 09, 2012 9:04 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said Even if....... he is 1) gay and 2) open to dating you....a 90% chance that it won't work out and one or both of you will soon be nursing a grudge against the other.
    Even before the concept of "YCYL" was invented there was the far more valid "Don't shit where you eat."

    I disagree about the grudge, there is no grudge between us, in fact the whole environment there is the polar opposite of bitchy - people are helpful and friendly, I've yet to encounter any grudge there among anyone, honestly. (It's male-dominated).

    What is YCYL?

    OK my main point in reply to this was that you are telling me not to bother because 90% of (gay?) relationships do not last? Well what about the journey along the way whether it lasted or not? Is that not worth trying to be a part of?
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    Feb 09, 2012 9:08 PM GMT
    mindblank saidWhat else can one say to a theoretically straight guy ? Without making it look like I'm into him ?

    You could try and say something brash like "check out the boobs on that chick! whaddaya think?!" icon_twisted.gif and then gauge his response. That suggestion comes without any guarantee as I've never have and never will try that! icon_redface.gif

    I agree with this:
    TexDef07far more valid "Don't shit where you eat."

    Which is why I don't hit on guys in my gym (or at work for that matter). There will be a lot of awkwardness if things dont work out.

    There is an incredible hot hunky Aussie guy in my gym. Great body and I find him very attractive. Buzz cut hair and presently with a slight mohawk. I know he is gay as he talks to other guys who I know are gay never seen him chat to any girls. Friendly guy as he talks to lots of others but I dont sense he is the flirt and fuck around type. He is dick shy in the locker room as he never removed the towel to put on his undies so I've never had the pleasure of really checking him out. Also seems like a very nice guy as he talks to all types of guys not just other hot hunky guys and is wayyyyy out of my league. I only eyeball stalk him and I've even made eye contact a few times. I'd love to do a lot more with him but I prob will never. icon_sad.gif
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    Feb 09, 2012 9:10 PM GMT
    mindblank said
    TexDef07 said Even if....... he is 1) gay and 2) open to dating you....a 90% chance that it won't work out and one or both of you will soon be nursing a grudge against the other.
    Even before the concept of "YCYL" was invented there was the far more valid "Don't shit where you eat."

    I disagree about the grudge, there is no grudge between us, in fact the whole environment there is the polar opposite of bitchy - people are helpful and friendly, I've yet to encounter any grudge there among anyone, honestly. (It's male-dominated).

    What is YCYL?

    OK my main point in reply to this was that you are telling me not to bother because 90% of (gay?) relationships do not last? Well what about the journey along the way whether it lasted or not? Is that not worth trying to be a part of?

    Nooo no no. It's not that most gay relationships don't last. It's just that if your relationship doesn't last it will be awkward to have to run into him every day.

    "YCYL" is shorthand for "You Cruise You Lose," the mantra and rallying cry of a certain RJ faction who post a lot on this theme.
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    Feb 09, 2012 9:46 PM GMT
    The same thing happened to me. I fell in love and idk if hes gay or not. I dont know of ANY straight guy who gets his eyebrows dont on a monthly basis. He punches me..grabs my moob/pecs, and alks to me more then anyone he ever knew and i only met him in september of 2011. I invited him to my gym and he denied it 3 times. It wasnt til the new semseter started that he decided to come with me. He is nervous when hetakes his shirt off(hes only 148lbs) but helikes it when i take my shirt off.
    I think he has some gayness within him and he LOVES to go out and eat with me. WING STOP, FRESH CHOICE, Olive garden...idk but comming back to your problem. I think u should be friendly to him and if he accepts u nd talks go u like nothing happened then u have a great odds in your favor.
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    Feb 10, 2012 1:23 AM GMT
    mindblank saidIt's what to talk about that will make us get to know each other a bit better, without me coming on too strong or showing ANY signs of a crush, that's what I'm asking advice on?


    Whatever you usually talk about with your friends.
  • stu1

    Posts: 47

    Feb 10, 2012 1:56 AM GMT
    Talk about work, weather, how his weekend was. Your prifile says your into cycling. Tell him something interesting you seen while riding. Does he look like he works out? Ask about his routine. Is it simmilar to yours? What sports does he like? Go get some tickets and ask him to a game.
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    Feb 10, 2012 3:36 AM GMT
    Hi!
    I’d like to reply to this because I’ve been in a similar situation in the past. To begin I think you should try to do the exercise Doug suggested you to do. I know you’re looking for exterior advice and I know how it feels to be insecure about yourself. I think that the reason why Doug suggested you to do this is because no one will have a better acknowledge of the situation than you because YOU are the one who is living this situation at this moment with this person that only you know…well…a little bit!

    Now, if you want my advice then I think you should just try to start by smiling at him. You said that at work you always ignore him because you don’t know what to say as you think you have “exhausted all the mundane things” to tell to him. Probably he stopped talking to you because he thought that you weren’t interested in knowing him. Now, act differently and behave differently in his presence. Just the fact that you smile to him will be an opening that will allow him to come back to you.

    I know that you’re shy and so am I, but don’t be scare to go and talk to him again. It won’t be awkward. You don’t even to apologize for ignoring him for so long. Smile to him and go and talk to him. Ask him questions like “how was your day?” how are you doing? Etc.

    Be confident of yourself and love yourself the way you are! You will only improve your social skills by socializing so don’t be scare! You might not be the most outgoing person on eart , but know that you are a person who deserves respect and who will be appreciated the way you are. True friends will like you the way you are. False friends will try to change you.

    Now, you don’t know if he’s gay so why to worry? Just try to become friend with him to begin. Then when you will get to know him more you’ll find out if he is straight or not and by getting to know him more you will know if you really like him and if there is a possibility to be on a relationship with him.
    I wish you good look and hoe my advice helps a little bit ;)

    Also sorry for the quality of my English. This is not my first language and I’m still learning it, but hope I will improve my english written skills very soon!