The guy I'm dating..an issue or so.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2008 4:39 AM GMT
    I'm currently dating this guy who was also a friend for some time. We've been dating for about a month or so. Well the probem is I find that he seems to say negative things about me pretty consistantly, he says it in a joking manner I guess but it eventually kind of wears on me a bit. He will say that I'm fat or refer to that or something. It doesn't really bother me when he says I'm fat cause I know I'm not. I don't have washboard abs which I can get but right now I'm trying to bulk up. The thing is when he starts sayign things like you need to get your abs in shape and you need to start doing more cardio, thats when I feel hes digging into me and I don't like it. I explained to him that the way he wants me to be (very lean) isn't really how I want to be right now since I'm trying to gain some muscle. Its just kind of making me irritated and I tried explaining it to him but he doesn't really let up. I feel attacked sometimes when he says things like that since its my body and its not like I'm out of shape by any stretch of the imagination. I mentioned to him about all the negative comments he says and says well I'm just trying to help you. Which made me feel worse since I don't feel like there is nothing to be helped, yes my abs aren't showing through right now but that comes with bulking.. My question is what should I do? Is there another way of bringing it up?
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    Jun 30, 2008 4:49 AM GMT
    You should be direct and right to the issue for him to hopefully to get the point.. if it affects you you should not compromise yourself ... sounds to me like he is trying to make you something that you are not.. screw him lol
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    Jun 30, 2008 4:55 AM GMT
    If he doesnt like the way you look. Why is he with you. I cant believe you let him say this to you! His comments are not funny. You need to set him straight and/or cut him loose.
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    Jun 30, 2008 5:05 AM GMT
    He might mean well, but you've voiced your feelings on how he's making you feel, and instead of acknowledging your feelings and stopping his comments, he's attempting to justify them. Obviously he's less concerend about your feelings and more concerned with how he's coming off in this situation. If I were you I'd dump the guy if he continues with his comments.

    If the guy can't even see it from your point of view he's way to self-involved to be worth hanging on to.
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    Jun 30, 2008 5:09 AM GMT
    jlk7jester saidI'm currently dating this guy who was also a friend for some time. We've been dating for about a month or so. Well the probem is I find that he seems to say negative things about me pretty consistantly, he says it in a joking manner I guess but it eventually kind of wears on me a bit. He will say that I'm fat or refer to that or something. It doesn't really bother me when he says I'm fat cause I know I'm not. I don't have washboard abs which I can get but right now I'm trying to bulk up. The thing is when he starts sayign things like you need to get your abs in shape and you need to start doing more cardio, thats when I feel hes digging into me and I don't like it. I explained to him that the way he wants me to be (very lean) isn't really how I want to be right now since I'm trying to gain some muscle. Its just kind of making me irritated and I tried explaining it to him but he doesn't really let up. I feel attacked sometimes when he says things like that since its my body and its not like I'm out of shape by any stretch of the imagination. I mentioned to him about all the negative comments he says and says well I'm just trying to help you. Which made me feel worse since I don't feel like there is nothing to be helped, yes my abs aren't showing through right now but that comes with bulking.. My question is what should I do? Is there another way of bringing it up?


    Put that little fucker in his place, if he doesn't like you the way you are (and there seems to be a damn lot to like) then he doesn't deserve you!
  • charrismd

    Posts: 112

    Jun 30, 2008 5:09 AM GMT
    gymguy1 saithset him straight and/or cut him loose


    Amen. It's hard enough to develop a decent self esteem as a gay man in straight world. A boyfriend should help build that up. If he doesn't, strong consideration should be given for kicking him to the curb. Life is too short and a six pack is not the end-all and be-all of life.
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    Jun 30, 2008 5:19 AM GMT
    I agree, be direct. It seems like he doesn't have a problem saying whatever comes to his mind. And if he takes issue to it, it will be him being defensive as there was more truth (in his mind) to what he was saying.

    There is no reason that a true partner who deserves you would ever cut you down.
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    Jun 30, 2008 5:25 AM GMT
    Be blunt and tell him he needs to cut that shit out. If he doesn't listen, tell him to piss off.

    You can't let people try to mold you to their whim.
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    Jun 30, 2008 5:25 AM GMT
    Your original posting made me wonder why you'd moved the friendship into lover territory. Why have you both decided to start dating? And what do you see in this guy? There must be some points in his favour?

    Sounds like you have a very clear idea of what you want to get out of your fitness and weights training so don't be swayed by him.
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    Jun 30, 2008 2:05 PM GMT
    I started dating him because I enjoyed his casualness and I felt as though I could be more laid back with him. We also were both into fitness and I enjoyed that obviously. His last boyfriend was a model, so I think hes expects me to be similar in being high maintenance? I don't really know. I do feel hes trying to change me into something that I'm not. I definitely will talk with him about it again, I just wasn't sure if I could have been viewing it badly or what.

    Thanks alot for all your comments I really appreciate it.
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    Jun 30, 2008 2:15 PM GMT
    I haven't met him Jester, so don't want to offend, but have to say it: he doesn't sound that intelligent. "Helping you" by picking on you? Last I heard that kind of thing was in elementary school. Hopefully you can teach him that this is not the preferred form of "helping."

    But even more worrisome is the notion that he might like you for what he wants you to become, rather than what you are. There's usually no fix for that one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2008 2:16 PM GMT
    dump him!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2008 9:02 PM GMT
    jlk7jester saidI definitely will talk with him about it again


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  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 30, 2008 11:32 PM GMT
    There are a few things that bother me about this post

    First that he's doing this at all... this is somebody being passive aggressive with you
    and it's Not going to let up until you basically tell him to cut the crap
    Not in so many words but you have to be very direct and say that you do not like when he says these things and you don't wanna hear it anymore

    The next thing is why you're letting him say it in the first place
    You say that it doesn't bother you... but it bothers you enough to post the thread icon_confused.gif
    Did this guy have to tell you that he dated a model?
    Guys we get involved with should build you up not tear you down

    Unless this guy changes his tune dump this guy ... Hard
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2008 11:42 PM GMT
    It does sound like he's passive-aggressive. . . those types can be SO annoying

    Talk to him and see what happens
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    Jun 30, 2008 11:48 PM GMT
    Tell him to shut the fuck up. Seriously. Get a little mean. If he can handle that and do so without being nasty back, you're ok.

    If he gets negative still or further, dump him. You don't need that passive aggressive bullshit in your life.

    I had a bf who used to complain about my arms constantly. You could have bigger arms if you lifted some weights, he'd say. You'd look so hot with big arms. I finally snapped after the 10th or 12th time. I told him, I like my arms - they work just fine. If you want someone with bigger arms, find them and pray you don't fucking smother in their bulging embrace! He shut up after that.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jun 30, 2008 11:54 PM GMT
    I'd say "I don't appreciate your comments".
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jul 01, 2008 12:12 AM GMT
    Yeah, I'll echo those who say this is passive-aggressive. You NEED to call him on it. I don't think in necessarily needs to be confrontational, but the next time he says something, "You know, I've noticed there are times you get really negative, like right now when you said, _______________." Chances are he'll deny it, or say he didn't mean it, etc. Point out some other examples. Again, present them as matter of fact. Then say how hurtful they feel and that you don't appreciate his negativity. If he wants to offer constructive criticism, that's another thing. But, yeah, if he doesn't seem to like you for who you are, I'd ask him why he's with you. If that doesn't change his tune, you should reevaluate things with him.
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    Jul 02, 2008 10:09 AM GMT
    You have only been dating a month and the little criticisms are already starting? That is usually reserved for year 2! Talk to him politely but firmly. Most people do not appreciate being nagged or criticzed constantly.
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    Jul 02, 2008 10:26 AM GMT
    Passive-aggressive? Really? Where is the passive part? This just sounds plain aggressive to me.

    Jester, when you're dating someone, it's supposed to feel GOOD. Apparently it's the opposite here...you're feeling bad around him all the time now.

    Doesn't that tell you something?
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    Jul 02, 2008 8:26 PM GMT
    jprichva saidPassive-aggressive? Really? Where is the passive part? This just sounds plain aggressive to me.

    Jester, when you're dating someone, it's supposed to feel GOOD. Apparently it's the opposite here...you're feeling bad around him all the time now.

    Doesn't that tell you something?



    EXACTLY. Kick his sorry ass to the curb. That's my vote. Probably because I've experienced something similar and it was very scary.

    I was with someone for a while who treated me much to how you describe. He would say how he was the 'hot' one in the relationship, and how I should feel lucky that he was with me because no one would ever want me. I would of course fight him, and tell him how he was full of shit - and he could keep thinking his delusions.

    All the while... my subconscious was taking a beating and I never even knew it. Only until after I had gotten rid of him did I realize just how much. I found myself in the dating scene feeling more inadequate than ever before, and the sense of "Oh god, what if he's right?".

    When you say "I feel attacked sometimes when he says things like that" - it's because you are being attacked. Ever so subtly. Now I don't know this guy, so I can't tell you if it's deliberate on his part or not. He might not even realize the level of what he's doing. Either way, it's making you feel something wrong and your instincts are trying to tell you so. Listen to them.

    You're ridiculously cute, and seem to have a great personality. Don't waste your time with a douche who isn't going to treat you well - you deserve so much more!
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    Jul 02, 2008 8:35 PM GMT
    Was he making these statements when you two were friends? I'm also wondering what he looks like naked (and no, not in a pervy way)? Sometimes the things we say to hurt others is a way to distract ourselves from the thing we hate most about ourselves.

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  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 02, 2008 8:41 PM GMT
    The guy that you are dating must be 12 years old mentally. It sounds as if his only interest in your is your physical appearance. Next time he makes reference to your abs and needing to "improve" them tell him very directly that you don't appreciate his comments. If he continues: tell him to f--- off.