Now for the news!
30 June 2008Baseball Team Discovers: "You Need to Score Points to Win"DETROIT, Michigan
- The Detroit Tigers were expected to score 1000 runs this year with their power packed offense, but fell short of expectations within the first month. They went 1-8 through their first nine games, breaking all of their fans hearts. Scoring runs was exactly what they didn't do, like they were expected to at the beginning of the year.
Throughout the months, the Tigers kept floating below .500 until the month of June. At that point, they started to win. They did not know how they did it, but they did. Soon, they became the team with the best record in June. How did they do it? They scored runs. Manager Jim Leyland figured it all out, noticing the increasing amount of people on his team touching that white pentagon where those two guys in gear and padding were. He rejoiced. Telling his team the good news, they started scoring runs every game. What fun it was!
"That dicovery has put us above .500 for the first time this season," says Leyland, popping a bottle of champenge. "We are the best team in June. This is great!"
Now flooded with media attention about their marvelous turn around, the Tigers might feel the pressure of winning and start losing again. But if they keep up the pace, they could be in the playoffs.
"I Hope I didn't waste that champenge..." Leyland said later. What was a rarity: the Tigers winning.
Conservepedia demands proof for the existence of scienceJesusland Conservapedia
, the bastion of free non-conservative speech, has declared that if it is not provided with proof that science exists, it will launch protests against school teachers and professors for wrongfully teaching mechanical engineering, biology, neurology, evolutionary science, electrical engineering, computer science and all other sciences based on the scientific method.
Conservapedia's contention is that if the scientific community cannot prove the existence of science,via the conservative language of Jesus
, then science is biblically unsupportable. Consequently, Conservapedia also demands that science instead be replaced with appropriate conservative approved science, such as biblical geology and "poof, there it is!" creation theory.
The scientific community has pointed out that the computers that Conservapedia has used to post these demands were created by a combination of electrical engineering, materials science and mechatronics. The community has further identified that there is no God in the machine
The problem isn't that Conservapedia is pro-gun and pro-Jesus. It is. The problem is that Conservapedia isn't pro-gun and pro-Jesus enough.
Oprah gets Sex Change, Millions of American Housewives do the Same
Yesterday, Oprah Winfrey
was flown in her private jet to a private clinic in Sweden
to get gender reassignment surgery. After the news broke, sex change popularity in America went through the roof, with a reported 6000% increase in revenue at clinics that specialize in the procedure. It has also been confirmed that 90% of these applicants are housewives aged 35-45. We spoke with one such women on the matter and she had this to say: "I love Oprah. She's amazing. It's empowering to see a black
woman rise the significance and influence that she has attained. She's my role model. I'd do anything for her, to be like her. This includes changing my body in such a drastic and dramatic way." When asked if she was more concerned with being like Oprah than being a good role model for her children, she responded: "Oprah? Did you say Oprah?" Now that Oprah is a man, her show will be moved to Spike TV and will be an action/monster-truck show. Men everywhere are now falling under her/his spell. Have you seen Oprah? Now with 20% more empowerment in every glass!