When A Good Relationship Goes Bad...


  • Feb 12, 2012 5:45 PM GMT
    I've been lurking around this board for days and it prompted me to make a profile. I've been going through some rough issues.

    My boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me in November. Last year we had planned a trip to Miami and he offered to pay for it. At least, most of it. I had to pay for my food and stuff. So all year we waited for this trip. I was excited but not as excited as he was. Miami is his thing. And I was nervous, as I dont like planes. Anyway, a month before we were supposed to go, it came up through work that I didnt much vacation time, so I couldnt go. In addition, I was going through bankruptcy, so I really was pretty down in the dumps.

    Anyway, he took it really bad but we got through it. He went to Miami and had a good time, but obviously, missed me very much. I regret now that I didnt just suck it up and go and face the consequences from work. But hindsight is always 20/20.

    He broke up with me in early November because he felt there might be something "better" out there for him. He had met an older man in Florida (My ex is 28, the man is 43) and the guy wants a relationship and wants him to move down to Florida with him. This is very appealing to my ex because he loves Miami and the fact that this older man is well off and can travel just makes it the idea even more engrossing. I feel like hes not thinking things through. hes got a great state job with good benefits and retirement that he worked hard to get...and now hes willing to just give it up. And give me up too.

    We talked this past week and he said he has plans on moving down there by the end of the year and he really wants to remain in touch and as friends. He said I made him very happy and he loves me and misses me a lot. He even is open to still having sex. It makes me so angry because its basically he still wants everything that came with the relationship, except for the title of relationship. And its because of the "good life" this guy can potentially give him. I tried to explain that "the grass is always greener" and he admits to know this. Hes always been very indecisive and jealous of what everybody else has and it just sucks.

    We broke up once or twice over the last 8 years, but it never lasted more than 3 months. Now we're at the 3 month spot and it just feels like this is really the end. Hes going to move to Miami with this man and have a great happy life. And the 8 year relationship that we cultivated since we were young... gone.

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    Feb 12, 2012 5:53 PM GMT
    It sounds like you made him a priority in your life while he didn't feel the same for you. I can understand because I'm going through a similar thing right now. I know it's hard and it won't be easy but this is probably the break you need. After 8 years of being a couple and he is so easily able to cast you aside really says a lot about his character. You deserve to be treated better than some trick.

    If I were you I would take this as a chance for you to start over. Getting back with him will probably only bring more of the same issues. And even if you did get back together things will never be the same. At least they weren't for me. Find someone who will accept you warts and all. icon_biggrin.gif


    ....and the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Don't think his life will be better and more fulfilling than yours. Just start living for you and don't worry about his future.
  • Kinneticbrian

    Posts: 230

    Feb 12, 2012 7:26 PM GMT
    I am truly sorry for the ending of your relationship. Dealing with something like this in the wake of a bankruptcy and challenges at work is never easy. Be encouraged though, this is really an opportunity to reroute your life and build exactly what you want.

    In reading your post, I can empathize with how you feel. My last relationship, which ended three years ago, just before what would have been our third anniversary, happened as my division was being eliminated and I was being laid off.

    It sounds like your former partner and mine shared a similar trait - in that they were always shopping for something "better". This is a mark of real immaturity, insecurity and shows a distinct lack of character on their part.Put another way, they've bought and paid for a lie, and they don't love themselves - they're searching for joy and love everywhere but from within. They'll never find it because they don't know what "it" is.

    Think of it another way - Doing this is about as dumb as a dog chasing its tail - they spin around in circles, bumping into everything, making a fool of themselves and when they finally catch their tail - all they do is bite themselves in the ass.

    In the aftermath of my break-up, I felt like a rancher who had everything on the place leveled by an F-5 Tornado. I cleaned up the wreckage and discovered that the foundations were still in place for my life. So I rebuilt and this time, I'm making me what I want to be - not a mish-mash of what I think others want me to be. And in so doing, I have found a lot of joy to say the least.

    Take stock of what you have, be proud of yourself, clean up the wreckage and then build baby build. You might make him sorry he ever broke up with you. Maybe not - but you'll attract someone who can appreciate you for who you are - and that's something that seems to have been absent for your 8 years - otherwise he'd have never bailed on you. You deserve better.

    Be encouraged - this is a great new beginning for you. You'll go on, grow and thrive if you choose to. Will he?
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    Feb 12, 2012 8:39 PM GMT
    You have to move on. Don't let yourself get stuck man. I say this because it sounds like this issue is more about him leaving you and the hole it's left than it is about your options. And you can't control anything other than what you do. Time will tell if this is the right move for him or not. Moving to a new town and starting over can be pretty damn exciting but also has major challenges.

    Stay friends without benefits until you can move on emotionally. But you do need to meet other guys and make new friendships in your local town. Don't spend much more effort on this guy for now. Don't get stuck like so many do.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Feb 12, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear that this sort of situation happened to you, especially after 8 years. However, in the long run, it sounds as if you'll be better off without him. I know that sounds callous to say, but better now than later, really. If he's willing to dump you to move off to live with some sugar daddy, what else would he be willing to do that could hurt you?

    Good relationships are hard to come by. Would you really give up a relationship just for the opportunity to live in a different city? Had he really cared about you and the relationship, he would have come to some kind of compromise, or done something to make it happen.

    It sounds as if he is living in a crazy fantasy world, one in which you are better off not entering into with him. You are still young, take this opportunity to enjoy being single, concentrate on yourself, and live your life. Don't ever let him string you along like that again.
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    Feb 12, 2012 10:14 PM GMT
    I'm curious to know...not to get off topic, but guys who have been in relationships, does it always end bad? I mean because only 2 things can happen in a relationship...they can work out or end. Maybe become friends but it has to be mutual?

  • Feb 12, 2012 10:50 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the replies.

    I go back and forth between emotions. Right now I'm mad because he can just let go and "be friends" while exploring this option. As if nobody else in the world has ever thought there might be "something better" out there. Who hasn't THOUGHT it? But to chase that thought is such a big risk. I just dont get how he could leave me, his secure job and the life we built just because there is a chance that this guy will be able to provide a better life.

    I try to tell myself that he can move anywhere in the world, but his problem is the unhappiness he has in himself. Its not me, or his job or where he lives. And happiness may only be momentary with this new guy... but its in his head that hes not happy.

    I always feel like I want to get up and leave when things get bad. But I can easily talk myself out of it. My ex on the other hand, now that this man is giving him the "opt out" can't give up this opportunity.

    Part of me, and I know its really spiteful and wrong because I do love him so much, just wants him to fall flat on his face and realize what hes doing is wrong.

    I feel like maybe I spoiled him in our relationship. I accepted him "warts and all" as someone put it. Took all the good times with the bad, and accepted him for who he was. I never tried to change him. But how many many guys, especially someone you've only known and met a handful of times, is truly going to accept you for you.

    I think to myself... this 43 year old man, what is he? Why would he insert himself into a steady and mostly happy (no relationship is without some issues) 8 year relationship? How completely selfish! What could he possibly want from my 28 year old ex. Just a trophy boy? Ugh makes me sick to my stomach.
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    Feb 12, 2012 11:02 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear about your situation but you're on a great site where you can find a lot of advise, even if its from self-proclaimed psychiatrists, and get back into the swing of things. I wish you the best of luck- it's still the beginning of the year anyways!
  • zenmonkie

    Posts: 228

    Feb 12, 2012 11:08 PM GMT
    That sucks.
    But, people come and go, and when it's time, it's time. If you had broken up several times before, this was the inevitable conclusion. Sounds like he just was waiting to find an excuse to make it official. His Miami "relationship" will most likely be a flash-in-the-pan, as anything after a long term relationship tends to be. However, in his defense, the weather is much better down here.
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    Feb 12, 2012 11:14 PM GMT
    Only pathetic worms leave one person for another. Personally I would never have a relationship with anyone who has done this. How could you ever trust him again? It is far worse than an isolated incident of infidelity. Why not find the real deal instead of someone who treats you as a stepping stone?
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    Feb 12, 2012 11:19 PM GMT
    Nivek saidOnly pathetic worms leave one person for another.


    But guys do it all the time.
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    Feb 12, 2012 11:25 PM GMT
    TallJock said
    Nivek saidOnly pathetic worms leave one person for another.


    But guys do it all the time.


    It's true - my longest relationship ended when the guy I was with left me for someone else. Funnily enough he came crawling back about a year later and I shot him down.

    And to answer your question, TallJock, I don't know about anyone else but I've never remained friends with an ex... some people do though. I find that odd. But that's just me.

  • Feb 13, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    I'm sure Miami is beautiful. My ex is also a big partier and drinker, so I'm sure that is why Miami is so attractive as well.

  • Feb 13, 2012 2:11 AM GMT
    God this just shows how up and down I am haha.

    I literally just started bawling my eyes out because I just feel like hes going to go down to Miami and fly all over the world and have the greatest life ever... and it hurts because I couldn't provide that. I dont want to lose him from my life totally but I know we cant be friends because I'd just be hanging on hoping he changes his mind.

    But I also feel if I pull away hes going to forget all about me. We were together 8 years, lived together for 6 years. He was very close with my family and it all just feels so...

    He was there for me when both my brothers passed away (one in 2004 and one in 2011) and I just feel like I am losing someone who has been a solid rock for me. I have nobody to lean on in my life. I am the rock for my family. And he was my stability. The guy that could talk me off the ledge, so to speak. Now I just feel so empty and alone and bitter.

    Im very tempted to do some facebook stalking on his boyfriend but I know it will just kill me more. And I know on Valentines Day Im going to have to hold myself back from driving over to his house and begging for him to rethink his decisions (I already did that last wednesday and it didnt work)

    I feel so hopeless.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Feb 13, 2012 2:21 AM GMT
    TallJock saidI'm curious to know...not to get off topic, but guys who have been in relationships, does it always end bad? I mean because only 2 things can happen in a relationship...they can work out or end. Maybe become friends but it has to be mutual?


    No; I know a number of guys who have been in very long term relationships (20+ years and 2 couples of more than 40 years).
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Feb 13, 2012 2:41 AM GMT
    Hi RegularNiceGuy,

    It's really sad to read your last post. I know you feel like you're being abandoned, but somehow you'll need to rely on your inner reserves of strength and rally your friends and family around you to help you through this. Your partner has decided (selfishly) to move on without you, and rarely does any amount of rationalizing or convincing ever work in these circumstances.

    You will feel a lot of pain and anger, and they're natural parts of the process, but be careful of holding on too long to the anger. It's corrosive if you don't channel it into something productive. This will take a long time, so be patient and try to be your own best friend in the meantime. It will get better.
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    Feb 13, 2012 4:58 AM GMT
    Again, keep your head up. I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through. If you ever want to vent just give me a shout out, we could all use a sounding board once in awhile...

  • Feb 14, 2012 10:29 PM GMT
    HA! I just talked to my sister and she said that he texted her yesterday and when she asked how he was doing he said he was doing good and that he and I had spoken. Then he said he was in a better place.

    HE WAS IN A BETTER PLACE???

    As if I was the one who was causing all the ruckus. I am so angry. I have stood by him through thick and thin. Hes had so many troubles in the past. Joblessness, car accidents, drinking... and I have been there for him and now hes telling my sister hes in a better place because I'm not around.

    I am flabergasted.
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    Feb 14, 2012 10:34 PM GMT
    This is a blessing in disguise. Make a clean break and cut all ties with this man. Then, go out and find someone who truely loves you.
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    Feb 15, 2012 2:31 AM GMT
    RegularNiceGuy saidGod this just shows how up and down I am haha.

    I literally just started bawling my eyes out because I just feel like hes going to go down to Miami and fly all over the world and have the greatest life ever... and it hurts because I couldn't provide that. I dont want to lose him from my life totally but I know we cant be friends because I'd just be hanging on hoping he changes his mind.


    Oh stop it...

    I used to live in Miami and had several offers from older men to move in with them and become their sex slave. I declined. Miami is full of needy younger guys living off rich older men. It's a good life with tight constraints. I'm too free-spirited and nomadic to live that kind of life.

    He's probably gonna get tired of that too and move on to someone else. And hell, the last few times I been to Miami between 2008 and 2010...their economy seemed very shaken up. Guys that I knew who had money, all of a sudden didn't have it anymore.

    Just pray for him. That's all you can do. And yourself.
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    Feb 15, 2012 2:42 AM GMT
    The good news is... you know his true character now. Better now than 16 years down the road.

    And even though it took a while, may hurt, and will have to grieve the loss and go through a period of mourning, in the end, it is best for YOU. You deserve much better.

    It's all easy to say, I know, to let go, but I think you know it has to be done. He's moved on, and so must you. Be bold and courageous. You'll find someone better for you, too.