True support with so much dysfunction?


  • Feb 13, 2012 12:25 PM GMT
    Do you ever get the feeling that you don't actually belong? I mean yes, we all have friends, acquaintances, people from the scene and family. However, i find that the aforementioned gay scene, or concentration of gay friends and those chosen environments can feel troubling and empty.

    It can be difficult to learn to love yourself when you become aware that your not going to follow the same relationship and sexual trajectory of other boys. This applying to those who realize early that they identify sexually as gay. I feel this sets up some very lonely formative years as we battle internally to find some kind of acceptance and preparedness to come out to others.

    What boggles the mind is that surely we would be a more supportive community as a result? I think we still mask our unresolved pain, emotional isolation during those years (many packed this little secret way back in their heads), via attachments to superficiality, drug and alcohol abuse, adolescent partying (when those days are long gone), idealization of image rather than individual traits and the list of issues goes on. No, the family dynamic doesn't fit, so it creates confusion i feel.

    I want very much to have more gay friends, who don't want to just sleep with me and then be friends. Or evaluate my shape, income, or superficial contribution to their or a particular social group. Yes, I happen to have a pretty great sense of humour about things. However sometimes i use this as defence or it comes up because it feels others cannot relate to more intellectually stimulating or perhaps confronting conversations - which for me feel connective and ensure that I grow as a person.

    I appreciate the individuality of people and no doubt the arguments for and against the sense of isolation, false pride, superficiality, despair at the choices - which i feel strongly. If you don't live in a gay ghetto it can create further isolation, disbelief from others that you don't participate in it or are unwilling to move to a city for instance. Where are the 21st century solutions for strengthening our interpersonal relationships so we actually FEEL that we matter to people for who we are and not what a socially constructed environment dictates is acceptable.

    How do we share the love we have worked hard to develop and accept in ourselves when there doesn't seem to be an environment that loves us back in a healthier way?
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    Feb 13, 2012 3:41 PM GMT
    I only get that feeling when I go to places that I normally don't go to. But its mostly because I don't want to be there.

    Like a musical: I have nothing against them, the actors are talented blah blah blah, but I am just not entertained by musical theater icon_neutral.gif So if I go because someone wants me to go (like a date or something) then I usually have that "I don't belong here feeling" because I don't want to be there.
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    Feb 13, 2012 3:55 PM GMT
    I agree with Claystation, it's the internal feeling of comfort that makes or breaks it. If you're not comfortable going in, it's hard to feel a part of the 'group'. There are many that don't feel a 'part' of gay community because they themselves are outside of the group looking in. Whether it's because they've not accepted their sexuality, they don't like a certain segment of the group, they geographically are outside the group or they have insecurities of their own due to physical or emotional struggles, they keep themselves outside the group. This is very true in the heterosexual community also, not everyone fits into a single group there either.

    We like to lump all gays into a single group and if you're talking about sexuality, then that works, but beyond that each person is an individual. Feeling that you don't belong is a real emptiness in any community but, in my opinion, it needs to be owned by the person feeling that way. I think we desire to belong to a certain group and when we don't, we tend to feel as though there's no hope anywhere, when in fact there are many opportunities to be associated with others with commonality if we are honest with ourselves as to what it is we want. Inclusion with others? Or inclusion with 'them'?

    Reaching out is sometimes the hardest part but it's each of our responsibility to take control of where it is we desire to go in life and who we wish to have next to us in that journey.
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    Feb 13, 2012 4:04 PM GMT
    Claystation saidI only get that feeling when I go to places that I normally don't go to. But its mostly because I don't want to be there.

    Like a musical: I have nothing against them, the actors are talented blah blah blah, but I am just not entertained by musical theater icon_neutral.gif So if I go because someone wants me to go (like a date or something) then I usually have that "I don't belong here feeling" because I don't want to be there.


    same.