Dating and sex

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2012 8:22 PM GMT
    Hey guys. I have been lurking here for a while, and finally decided to create an account and join the party, because y'all are awesome! icon_smile.gif

    I'm sure this topic has been addressed a hundred different ways over the years. That said, I could use some of your valuable collective advice. Even if it's regurgitated from other advice-givings.

    What it boils down to is: When my end goal is a long term relationship, how delusional am I to think that I can stay out of bed until a morsel of mutual commitment is established?

    The backstory: I am 24. I have dated pretty actively for the past 4 yrs with the exception of my one LTR that lasted a year and a half somewhere in there. When I was first hitting the gay dating scene, I was naive. I would puppy-lust over any hot guy I met, and because I was young and blonde and blue eyed it wasn't hard to get action whenever my heart desired. I wasn't exactly playing the best cards in my deck, nor was I actively seeking a relationship. So, casual sex was great, and I had no reservations about it.

    Fast forward to the past year. I went through the mourning phase after the breakup, and hit a couple rocks on my way to the bottom, but managed to get my ass in gear and back in the game. Now I am the most confident I have ever been, I have my shit together in all aspects of my life. If there was ever a time for me to blast "I don't need a man" by the Pussycat Dolls, this is it.

    Alas, I am dating again. And pretty aggressively (because, no one's gonna hand me anything). I am not finding the dating world to be any less ridiculous than before, but I can see the warning signs much more clearly and am pretty good at navigating and maintaining a solid footing throughout.

    My issue is that I am dating with the end goal of finding someone for a relationship. (I don't go into dates with a ring catalogue from Birks, but I do size up the candidates under the LTR provisions.) Suddenly casual sex doesn't make me a happy camper. The problem is that I go into dates to see if there's chemistry and then build on that chemistry with further dates, and develop attraction on deeper levels. But it seems *insert other fella* is only interested in getting into bed as fast as possible. And they are very good at making it appear like that isn't the case.. sneaky fuckers.

    Am I crazy to expect a little mutual commitment before letting some guy have his way with me? I'm not talking shared puppy-sitting schedule either, just the promise of some ongoing get-to-know-ya's. In my experience, If I don't sleep with a guy by the third date, I won't hear from them again (even if the dates were fantastic). And if I do sleep with them, it's like they don't feel the need to put in anymore effort.

    I date a lot, different types of guys, different education/income levels, different levels of hotness, etc. I am not talking about a niche market here.. This phenomenon is universal.

    I know that I am not unique, and that everything will work out, and I will find the one magically some day. But my question is more of a strategic one..

    Should I just start fucking like a bunny again, and hope that something forms out of one of them? Or is it possible to at least get past the initial dating phase before fucking?

    Stoked to hear anything y'all can throw at me. Thanks.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2012 10:40 PM GMT
    With all due respect when you say:

    -Am I crazy to expect a little mutual commitment before letting some guy have his way with me?

    It sounds like you are trying to manipulate the other guy as a woman might try to do with a straight man. That could be why these guys you sleep with don't return. If you are not enjoying the sex, that could be another reason. The only reason you should have sex with a guy is because you're horny and it is what you both want to do period. Some guys are just fun in bed, but you will soon learn they don't make a reliable friend much less lover.

    Now if you decide not to have sex, that is your prerogative. Remember a relationship is nothing more than an intimate friendship. If the guy you're dating leaves because you're not having sex with him than he doesn't make for much of a friend does he?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2012 10:48 PM GMT
    friendormate saidWith all due respect when you say:

    -Am I crazy to expect a little mutual commitment before letting some guy have his way with me?

    It sounds like you are trying to manipulate the other guy as a woman might try to do with a straight man. That could be why these guys you sleep with don't return. If you are not enjoying the sex, that could be another reason. The only reason you should have sex with a guy is because you're horny and it is what you both want to do period. Some guys are just fun in bed, but you will soon learn they don't make a reliable friend much less lover.

    Now if you decide not to have sex, that is your prerogative. Remember a relationship is nothing more than an intimate friendship. If the guy you're dating leaves because you're not having sex with him than he doesn't make for much of a friend does he?


    That's a very valid observation. I am afraid it's a product of my writing style, however, and not representative of my true intentions. I don't hold sex as a bargaining chip. I freely give it out when I feel a connection with someone. The problem is that I seem to take longer to feel that connection than the guys who I am dating. I enjoy the sex, I just tend to value the relationship vs. the physical, and it creates this issue for me.

    I like your last note. I admit, it's one of those things I know, but don't tell myself enough.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 14, 2012 4:45 AM GMT
    I'm glad you didn't take that the wrong way but honestly if you want a relationship you can find one BUT..... it may not be with the guy you initially want. You may find it is with the guy who is a bit less sexy. The guy you have no interest in sleeping with. It may be with the guy you dismiss for being too sexual and believe he can't possibly be serious about a relationship. The point is you can't decide before you know someone if you would be right for each other. So have sex if you feel like it and if you don't see them again well then they're not interested in a relationship. If you don't want to have sex you shouldn't and if that means the guy loses interest in you so be it.

    I remember once picking a guy up at a bar and having great sex for four hours. He told me we weren't having sex we were making love. So when it came time to go I suggested we exchange numbers. He told me he didn't want a relationship to which I replied, does exchanging numbers constitute a relationship! I was merely thinking we just had great sex why not do it a second time. Six months later I see him in the bar smiling at me so we chat. I soon realize by the way the conversation was going he didn't remember sleeping with me and was trying to pick me up a second time. Boy did I have fun with that!

    So my advice to you is to look at some of those boring qualities, like sincerity, maturity, loyalty and hold them at a higher level than sexy bods and great looks. All those hot bodies and great looks could in fact be distracting you from your goal.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 14, 2012 8:07 AM GMT
    It's your choice to have sex or not, so you'll have more power in your life if you take control of what you do. If you don't want to have sex until your in a relationship, then don't. But you should be upfront with your dates that you won't be having sex for a while.
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    Feb 21, 2012 9:45 AM GMT
    truenorth said

    My issue is that I am dating with the end goal of finding someone for a relationship. The problem is that I go into dates to see if there's chemistry and then build on that chemistry with further dates, and develop attraction on deeper levels. But it seems *insert other fella* is only interested in getting into bed as fast as possible. And they are very good at making it appear like that isn't the case.. sneaky fuckers.

    Am I crazy to expect a little mutual commitment before letting some guy have his way with me? In my experience, If I don't sleep with a guy by the third date, I won't hear from them again (even if the dates were fantastic). And if I do sleep with them, it's like they don't feel the need to put in anymore effort.

    Should I just start fucking like a bunny again, and hope that something forms out of one of them? Or is it possible to at least get past the initial dating phase before fucking?



    No you are not crazy to expect that. At all. Personally that's how I do it, and that is how i will keep doing it till i find someone who doesn't just want to get into my pants. I say those who can wait to get to know you first before getting you to bed are the ones who are worth keeping. Just my two cents...
  • hoved

    Posts: 21

    Feb 21, 2012 11:09 AM GMT
    For what it's worth, I agree with you - I need to feel I'm at least in something resembling a 'relationship' to sleep with someone......which probably explains why nuns living convents get more action than me lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2012 2:36 PM GMT

    I'm much the same way, as is Bill. However, we slept together right away, only it was restricted to cuddling and talking much of the night away.

    Perhaps an analytical approach is thwarting a natural rhythm. icon_wink.gif


    warmly,

    -Doug


    PS I believe that with each person you meet the connection is unique, how you are with one is different from how you are with another, so the rules of engagement, for me, had to be fluid and flexible.

  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Feb 21, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    Hi

    There really isn't a right thing and a wrong thing to do here.

    But I think you're over-thinking stuff. You shouldn't really be worried about this sort of thing at your age.

    Your 20's is the time to go out and have some fun, because later on it'll be harder to do, due to many different sorts of commitments - and the chance that you will never be as desirable as you are now.

    Stop worrying about this sort of thing. Have fun and put yourself about a bit. Believe me it is better to regret having too much sex later on, than wish you'd had it while you could.

    Loz
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2012 8:49 PM GMT
    Laurence saidHi

    There really isn't a right thing and a wrong thing to do here.

    But I think you're over-thinking stuff. You shouldn't really be worried about this sort of thing at your age.

    Your 20's is the time to go out and have some fun, because later on it'll be harder to do, due to many different sorts of commitments - and the chance that you will never be as desirable as you are now.

    Stop worrying about this sort of thing. Have fun and put yourself about a bit. Believe me it is better to regret having too much sex later on, than wish you'd had it while you could.

    Loz


    You are correct when you say that I am overthinking.. guilty as charged.

    I disagree with having pre-determined things I should be worried about at my age, though. I have higher hopes for the balance of my twenties than to look back and say "He sure got a lot of ass!"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2012 8:51 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    Perhaps an analytical approach is thwarting a natural rhythm. icon_wink.gif



    Noted.

    I am too analytical for my own good. It benefits me at work, but not so much on the dating scene.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2012 8:58 PM GMT
    hmmm finding a relationship.

    Letting a guy have his way with you..

    well firstly, I disagree with a poster above, I don't think it's manipulation at all if you are open about what your expectations are in the beginning. If you some how hid those until some arbitrary point that the other guy didn't know about then I'd consider that manipulation.

    If you want to wait until you find a guy that you think could go somewhere, you are both respectful of each other, enjoy each others company, seem to get along well, have a decent enough time together and find things to laugh about AND you've explained to him that you just want to hold off on the sex until such time as you feel that this isn't going to just be a one night stand.

    Then by all means hold off on the sex, then bang the hell outta him (or him you, or both)

    Just as long as your consistent and don't mess a guy around, your open and honest about what you want then awesome!

    However the ultimate goal of finding a relationship, well, instead focus on being the best person you can be, not the best "other half" you can be, things will happen not when you think your ready but when you are actually ready which is usually not when you think you are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2012 9:09 PM GMT
    Well, said, Tanker. I don't see it as manipulation at all, either. And all you said is perfect.

    For the OP: You're fine looking for what you want. No one should ever fault you for that. However, keep in mind that what you are looking for is probably that proverbial needle in a haystack, especially in gay relationships. It's somewhat of a sad testimony to the types of "relationships" gay men have with each other, but it seems to be the majority vs. the minority.

    Just don't let it frustrate you or get you down. Again, what you are seeking is something very special, so the time and effort you put into it will be worth it.

    I have essentially done the same as you and will not get into bed with a guy until I know there's something really good going on. And, even if there is, I hold off even longer to further solidify the feelings. It's been tough and I've had to give myself many a pep talk, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

    BTW, at least from how you've articulated your thoughts here, the right guy will be a very fortunate guy to land you.
  • tobiasschnell

    Posts: 7

    Feb 24, 2012 12:54 PM GMT
    why you post long story just post your opinion no have more to any one read full story so just post you opinion than any one explain him idea,thanks.
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  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Feb 24, 2012 1:17 PM GMT
    Stick to your guns, truenorth. When the right one comes along, it'll feel right and your gut will tell you how to take it from there. Everyone beforehand is just practice and rehearsal for the real thing.