He's in the closet

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2012 10:42 PM GMT
    I met this guy at the beginning of February and we’ve been hanging out at my place and going to eat over the course two weeks and it has been a great.

    Over this past weekend he invited me to go partying with him and his straight friends, over Friday and Saturday nights. I had a good time and he complimented me on the fact that I mixed in easily with everyone, talked to everyone, and some people said that I seemed really cool and that they would like to hang with me again.

    The second night of partying he tells me I can’t go with him because the girl who’s party it is doesn’t know me. That is nothing out of the ordinary and is quite typical for college parties. But his demeanor seemed fake and it was way too all of a sudden that I couldn’t go. But there wasn’t really any indication of something otherwise being the reason. So I let it go and didn’t say anything.

    Later, I get a text from him and he very casually mentions that one of his straight friends said I was staring at him all night long at the Friday party. I know for a fact that this is not true and I would never do that and I made sure that I was on my best behavior since these were his straight friends. I purposely said no more than the general niceties to this guy and kept it moving as the party was filled with friendlier people. I texted him back and told him that I found it completely insulting and offensive that this guy is trying to run my name in the mud when I went out of my way to be nice.
    So at his point I feel a connection between my disinvite and this idiot guy, so I ask, is this the real reason I can’t go to Saturday’s party. It took him a while to respond and we had been texting a regular pace. Then finally he says “well they don’t know about me and the girl is nosey and the guy probably will tell her you’re gay.” He then tells me it’s no big deal I should calm down and there was nothing to be insulted about and I’ll never be seeing the guy again. So I text him really bluntly to make sure I understood everything, I said “So you are telling me that I am too gay to hang out with you and go anywhere with you.” He tells me that I’m not the kind of guy he usually brings along to this “crowd”.

    I’m a pretty discreet guy. I’ve NEVER been called too gay for someone to hang out with. If you put me on a scale of “gay” I’d be on opposite poles of a queeny type. He told me “you’re not that fem at all, you’re just well put together and too well spoken and it screams gay.”

    So now I have to understand the complexities of a guy who is a bi-sexual, closet, DL case. All of the fears, facades, dos and don’ts of this odd false life. I can’t even wrap my head around the logistics needed to sustain it.
    Looking back at some comments he’s made over the past two weeks: he calls other gay guys fags, pussies, etc and says he’s a “real ass dude.” His evidence for how much of a man he is, is because he’s able to hang with straight men undetected. I mean yea some gay guys call others names but it more in jest and since he seems to be self-hating it’s more malicious and I don’t like it.

    I really need some good solid ass advice. And no I don’t care that it’s Vtines tomorrow, it’s totally irrelevant. I care more about my life being in balance.

    I feel like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to come to me in secret, have sex, get affection, and then act like I don’t exist and I’m supposed to be okay with it. There's already signs that if I bring up anything that needs to be definitively discussed he gets spooked. So communication on a scale of 1-10 is like a 5.

    Before I found out about the closet case crap, I will say he’s been a great guy. Smart, funny, awesome sex, great looking pretty much everything I want now being eclipsed by this new wildcard.
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    Feb 14, 2012 12:28 AM GMT
    Sounds like way too much work. It's a policy of mine to only date guys who are out to their friends/family/coworkers. I don't have the patience or the willingness to be in relationships with closet cases.

    He's being completely selfish and disrespectful to you. Get out.
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    Feb 14, 2012 1:21 AM GMT
    he is not ready to come out yet

    You have two choices..either accept him for still being in the closet and know that there are going to situations like this to navigate, talk it all out with him and if you can be okay with it without getting upset over it proceed with the hanging out and relationship but understand there will be limitations

    or just stop seeing him

    if you decide the former you lose the right to bitch about him and his ways, the second option is the most healthy and the one that is probably best for you but it is up to you to weigh how much you do like him with axing him totally
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    Feb 14, 2012 1:31 AM GMT
    Whether he's in the closet or not, he shouldn't be treating you that way. I don't have all the details, so I hope you two work through it.
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    Feb 14, 2012 1:33 AM GMT
    citylightsatnight said[...] He told me “you’re not that fem at all, you’re just well put together and too well spoken and it screams gay.”

    [...] I care more about my life being in balance.

    I feel like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too.[...]


    Take it as a compliment, and keep looking for a better match if you can't accept him as he is.
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    Feb 14, 2012 1:36 AM GMT
    Here's something to consider. if you say that you just exchanged niceties with his straight friend, yet you were accused of staring, maybe his friends are trying to feel him out. If he has taken other gay guys to these things, he's probably done the same exact thing to them that he's doing to you. Of course, his friends are probably thinking, "why does XX keep bringing guys to these events, then we dont' see them ever again". That's not typical straight men behavior. Straight men don't go through straight friends like an assembly line. Plus, close friends aren't stupid so they probably suspect he might be gay and are probing him out.

    I think you need to have a frank conversation with him. if he doesn't foresee that he will be ready to be "discovered" anytime soon or if he ever wants to, then it's probably best to move on to a new relationship. Has he ever taken any other gay dates to his straight friends activities before?

    If he sees this as an opportunity to maybe start his coming out process, then you need to decide if you are willing to be his support through it and potentially run into many of these situations (like Jersey said). It will require lots of patience and potentially a very thick skin, but it may be worth it in the long run if you really like him.
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    Feb 14, 2012 1:38 AM GMT
    citylightsatnight said
    Looking back at some comments he’s made over the past two weeks: he calls other gay guys fags, pussies, etc and says he’s a “real ass dude.” His evidence for how much of a man he is, is because he’s able to hang with straight men undetected.

    I really need some good solid ass advice.
    First.. I can "hang"around an entire airport or military base and not be 'detected'.
    I dont use that bullshit language and don't need to. I don't diss gay folks even if I'm surrounded by the phelps gang of gay haters.

    My solid ass advice for you?
    Tell him to fuck himself!
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    Feb 14, 2012 2:20 AM GMT
    yourname2000’s advice was pretty good, but it would require a lot and I’m not sure if this dude is worth that yet.

    I’m feeling Truenorth a little because he is being disrespectful but perhaps it is unintentional since he’s young and trying to balance his gay self with his false straight self and he’s just stuck in that crazy loop.

    EastCoastNAZ you are right, there was definitely something in the environment that was more about him, and I was just the proxy and catalyst for something his friends probably have been wondering and probing. So yes, his friends are definitely feeling him out, I know it.

    And lol @ TropicalMark, I can’t cuss dude out yet, I still need to make sense of him. I guess I can understand why his behavior is erratic because that must be a lot of pressure indulging a fake straight life and being gay on the side, constantly worrying about omg is someone going to find me out. And maybe he felt safe with me then I got angry about the situation. But if he doesn't start acting right, he can't get that curse out swiftly.

    Jerseywoof those are good clear options.

    BuddyinNYC, Huhwhat, I agree but lemme see what the root of this is first before I get on some new and I’m like fuck him.

    Since Saturday it's been awkward but he wants to see me for dinner on Valentine’s day. Since he's not a communicator I’ll be talking to him as delicately and non threatening as possible, later about the situation tonight. I’ll tell him that I know it’s hard, this whole closet thing. And I’ll get some more details, instead of how I initially got mad accusing him of not wanting to hang with me because I’m gay. I’ll just massage the situation and see how he reacts. Because everything was great until this one thing and my reaction to it.


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    Feb 14, 2012 2:26 AM GMT
    Why can't guys just fuck? If he's good in the sack, then just fuck. No drama necessary.

    It's just been two weeks since you met the guy. What do you expect? Side by side burial plots?

    If the sex is good, enjoy it while you can. Remember, men are like the 5-Fulton. If you miss one, another one will come along soon.

    Besides, I'm sure you have other friends you can party with. And, there will be a night when you are invited to a party and you're going to have to tell him that he can't go because he's too uptight and in the closet to hang with your crowd. The shoe will be on the other foot and I'm sure he will understand.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Feb 14, 2012 2:28 AM GMT
    EastCoastNAZ saidHere's something to consider. if you say that you just exchanged niceties with his straight friend, yet you were accused of staring, maybe his friends are trying to feel him out. If he has taken other gay guys to these things, he's probably done the same exact thing to them that he's doing to you. Of course, his friends are probably thinking, "why does XX keep bringing guys to these events, then we dont' see them ever again". That's not typical straight men behavior. Straight men don't go through straight friends like an assembly line. Plus, close friends aren't stupid so they probably suspect he might be gay and are probing him out.

    I think you need to have a frank conversation with him. if he doesn't foresee that he will be ready to be "discovered" anytime soon or if he ever wants to, then it's probably best to move on to a new relationship. Has he ever taken any other gay dates to his straight friends activities before?

    If he sees this as an opportunity to maybe start his coming out process, then you need to decide if you are willing to be his support through it and potentially run into many of these situations (like Jersey said). It will require lots of patience and potentially a very thick skin, but it may be worth it in the long run if you really like him.


    ^^^ This is brilliant
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    Feb 14, 2012 2:34 AM GMT
    All good advice, I would add that a relationship that starts out on a lie, with deception or in the closet is not a good foundation for a long term healthy life together and will never go anywhere positive.
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    Feb 14, 2012 2:39 AM GMT
    Drop it like it's hot. You're better off without his lies and deceptions.
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    Feb 14, 2012 2:42 AM GMT
    Like someone else said above, there are two options. To stick with it or simply move on. Choice is yours

    But, remember one thing. The longer you stay with him the harder it will get to leave. You will only dig your hole deeper and besides it appears to me that he is a negative energy. Get out now or prepare yourself for a tough emotional battle.

    Choice is yours.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Feb 14, 2012 2:58 AM GMT
    Personally, the whole story is a huge red flag and one I've been through more times that I care to remember. Afterwards, I'm always like, "I can't believe I put up with that".
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    Feb 14, 2012 3:06 AM GMT
    @GAMRican Duh! WTF was I thinking. I'm loving that advice. His sex is BOMB, like A-BOMB. I should just continue having great orgasms and let him have his drama and closet bs and emotional bs to himself. I don't have to worry about hanging out with him and breaking any rules because I won't be hanging out with him unless it's in my bedroom where anything goes. I get off then he get's out! Yessss!!!

    @cookingitswee eastcoastnaz's advice was brilliant and made alot of sense.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Feb 14, 2012 3:07 AM GMT
    What the hell is a coset, and why is he in it?
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    Feb 14, 2012 3:12 AM GMT
    dancedancekj lol I didn't notice that typo. I'll fix it. It's "closet" not "coset" hahaha. I'm sure people are like that dumb ass. It's all good tho.
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Feb 14, 2012 3:24 AM GMT
    One of life's basic lessons that is sometimes hard to practice: you have to command respect from people, and I mean by your overall demeanor, not literally.

    Sounds like you want a relationship with this guy, but there can't be any real relationship where there's no respect and he doesn't respect you.

    Don't devalue yourself. I'd say you're far ahead of him. Let him know what you expect, and what's unacceptable, and if he can't handle that, cut him loose. You'll feel better in the long run.
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    Feb 14, 2012 4:20 AM GMT
    Get rid of the guy. Life is too short for all that. I do not talk to picture less. I will not be an enabler to a closet case. Even if you succumbed to his every insecurity, any relationship would be highly dysfunctional, at best.

    Run, Will Robinson, RUN!.

    Deal with folks with integrity. Closet cases...especially those who want you to participate in a deception, have zero integrity. They are not worthy of your time.
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    Feb 14, 2012 4:24 AM GMT
    Reminds me of a kid I dated once. He wanted me remember this wild string of lies about how we knew each other, our age difference, where I grew up, my ethnicity... it was ridiculous. He was cute as hell but I had no patience for that. I don't want to be anybody's dirty little secret.
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    Feb 14, 2012 4:44 AM GMT
    i smell a raticon_mad.gif
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    Feb 21, 2012 9:34 AM GMT
    people always seem to choose the easy way out...
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    Feb 21, 2012 11:15 AM GMT
    truenorth saidSounds like way too much work. It's a policy of mine to only date guys who are out to their friends/family/coworkers. I don't have the patience or the willingness to be in relationships with closet cases.

    He's being completely selfish and disrespectful to you. Get out.


    +1

    Completely agree. Life is way too short.

    If a guy is truly working on coming out, that's fine. Things can take time. This guy however sounds like he's pretty happy with the way things are. If you drop him, he'll no doubt find someone else who'll put up with it.

    Don't be anyone's secret. Be with someone who can't wait to share you with his friends.