I tried so hard.

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    Feb 14, 2012 12:53 PM GMT
    I really don't know what to write here... Even if you don't read it all I needed somewhere to write this down. Over the years I've learned to hide my feelings so well that they got lost somewhere along the way. Now I cannot properly define, express or explain them anymore but I'll try. And because I can't, I just smile. All the time. No one knows anything about what you might be about to read. I'm almost in tears and I haven't even started.

    This is not a cry for help, I don't really know what this is, but I do know it's been a long time coming.

    I'm 23 and for the last several years I've been seriously struggling with my sexuality. I know I'm bi but I think I might be more closer to gay than bi. Even writing that out is difficult and I want to erase it. As though erasing it will erase it from my life. I don't get the same sexual feelings for women as I do for men, even though I pretend that I'm more straight. I know that my family would be supportive and my friends wouldn't care but I've spent so much time defending that I'm not gay that I can't just come out and say that I am. And what about in my future? I'm supposed to grow up and have kids and a wife, not adopt. I don't know why I think that way but I can't change it. Like I would be letting myself down. I'm not religious at all and couldn't care less about the church so it's not that.

    I'm incredibly sad. Each day when I wake up I think, how disappointing.. And whenever I am awake, I think about how much better my life would be if I were straight. Sometimes it gets too much. I can't handle it. It's beginning to consume me. It eats me up at night. I stay awake hating myself. Hating myself. I've tried to accept it and move on but the guilt overpowers me. It creeps into the rest of my life. I stare into the mirror and I hate the person who looks back at me. So many flaws and now my whole life is falling apart. I starve myself sometimes and I've even cut. I'm a terrible person for doing those things I know but it takes away the numbness. I'm a f*cking mess.

    Things that used to make me happy don't anymore. I'm always alone and I hate it. I'm not a stupid person. I know people should love themselves and accept themselves and not care about what anyone else thinks or does, and for a while I tried so hard to think like that. I even wear a bracelet that says "Stay Positive" but somehow I always come back to this hole in my life.

    At times I don't think I'm capable of being loved. I've never had a boyfriend nor girlfriend and I thought that I was purposely liking people who weren't available so as not to get my hopes up. So then I tried to go for people who were attainable. I stayed open to all possibilities. But people always leave me in the end. I'm a nice person. Why is this happening to me? I don't feel like I deserve to be sad but my life is constantly shadowed in darkness. This is my life. This isn't an aspect of it, like work, or home, or sports, it's the whole thing. I can't take it anymore. This isn't fair.

    I can't even remember what it feels like to be happy. This confusion has made me numb and hollow. And when your 'friends' put you down enough, you start to believe them. I'm fighting what feels like a losing war. I just want you to know that for the longest time, I tried my hardest, but it wasn't good enough and if things don't change soon, I don't know what will happen.

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    Feb 14, 2012 1:41 PM GMT
    All things change in a dynamic environment. Your effort to remain what you are is what limits you.

    p.m.
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    Feb 14, 2012 2:04 PM GMT
    This really hits home with me, and I understand where your coming from immensely. You really need to just take some time and just breathe. You've acknowledged that you're probably gay and that's the first step. I can remember the exact moment when I actually began to accept what I knew all along. This is a huge accomplishment! Be PROUD of this!

    I relate so much to what you're saying because even to this day I still struggle to accept my gay-ness. You just need to breathe, and know that you are doing NOTHING wrong. Homosexuality is as natural as anything else. There are documented cases of it in thousands of animal species.

    When I first came to terms with my homosexuality there was a period where I too was very upset by the fact that I was never going to have a "traditional" family. You need to understand that there are so many options available to gay couples who wish to have children! You can actually use your own sperm, a donor's egg, and surrogate mother, or you can adopt. That way the child is biologically yours, or it isn't. Honestly its more important to make sure YOU'RE living the sort of life that makes you happy than just putting you in a situation where you can do what society says is "normal".

    I know what you're feeling is so much more complex and profound than anything a forum post can fix, but I hope if you take anything away from this its that there is nothing wrong with you at your core. You are PERFECT just the way you are, and simply by BEING you deserve happiness. Every single human being alive deserves happiness. And they deserve the chance to live their life in a way that makes them happy.
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    Feb 14, 2012 2:12 PM GMT
    advice: just let it all go... try not to analyze, conceptualize and define feelings.
    Simply forget all that logical thinking and let go. Just feel....
    No walls, no barriers, no spaces or gaps. Just allow yourself to feel...

    it is all worth it.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 14, 2012 2:21 PM GMT
    I think at the root of it lies the fact that you need to learn to respect and appreciate who you are, gay or straight. Somehow you have this image of what it means to be "successful" or "right in life" and because you realize you lean towards the gay side, the mirror appears "cracked".

    I think you need to reach out and visit with a professional. You probably call "bullshit", but you deserve to be happy in your life. You aren't. You deserve to have a successful future.. and that seems in question. If you
    want to do something for yourself... take some time and interview several
    counselors with whom you feel comfortable (and they all don't cost a mint).

    The reality is, you are probably an awesome guy, you just haven't acknowledged your real potential. You said you aren't "stupid", so do something to help yourself here. It could mean everything.
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    Feb 14, 2012 2:30 PM GMT
    I don't know where you live, but you could consider looking up a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist that is gay who will give you support and a sympathetic ear. There are good straight ones, but I think one who understands intrinsically what it is like to be gay or bi and has gone through self-discovery would better help you.

    I have a few friends that work in psych and they're gay.

    ...see this?

    "And when your 'friends' put you down enough, you start to believe them."
    An observation one of these friends made was that your true friends are in the cheering section of the bleachers in your arena of life.

    warmly,

    -Doug

    They seem insurmountable, (your troubles), but please consider that the way to eat an elephant is a nibble at a time.

  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 14, 2012 2:57 PM GMT
    so you spent your valentine's day making a sock account. how romantic.
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    Feb 14, 2012 3:04 PM GMT
    I felt exactly the same way immediately after coming out to myself, and to be honest I think it's just something that you have to ride out. You're going through a massive change in the way you look at life, and like most big changes it's going to have an effect on you. But it does work itself out.

    Like people have said on here, stop and breathe for a good long while and stop analysing yourself. I did that for so long and it tore me up. I still do sometimes, but not so much anymore because I've come to terms with my sexuality. I felt sick with myself a lot, much like you "hating yourself", but it wasn't homophobia, just disbelief at the massive reality check I'd had. Once you've gotten over it you'll start relaxing and, in your time, be happy with yourself. Just give it a while.
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    Feb 14, 2012 3:38 PM GMT
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    Feb 14, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    I know myself and many of my friends equate bi with gay and unable to fully deal with it. I have no doubt that comment will incite bi guys to tell me I'm stupid or worse but I'm just basing it on my experience - every single bi guy I know definitly prefers men and its blatantly obvious despite whta they say.

    Now the only reason I say that isn't to derail your thread or piss of bi guys here - its that while you may feel cornered after defending your bisexuality for so long, most people are expecting you to eventually just admit to being gay. So suck up your pride and do it if thats truely what you want.

    If they're real friends they'll tease you a little and move on. If anyone really cares so much as to crucify you over struggling with your sexuality, get rid of them and consider it a bonus you weeded them out of your life. The longer you wait to be true to who you are the more you'll regret it and in my experience, regret is the only mistake that really haunts you over time.
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    Feb 14, 2012 4:26 PM GMT
    I know exactly where you're coming from a lot of us on this site went through a similar situation. The best advice I can give you, find a close friend or family member sit down with them one on one and tell them how you feel. It's not easy and you don't have to say you're sure you're gay or anything like that. You just need someone close to talk to.

  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Feb 14, 2012 4:46 PM GMT
    dude, u may be making a bigger deal out of being gay than what it really is.


    being gay doesn't define who u are. It's one aspect of you. or being bi...or whatever u are. You're probably gay and in such deep denial that u think labeling urself "bi" is a lesser of the 2 evils.

    I understand where u are coming from though.

    Would life be easier for u if u were straight? Yes, probably. However, you're not straight, so why bother to think like that? That's like thinking "my life would be so much easier if i came from a super rich family"....well, guess what...u don't, so.... (well, maybe u do, i dunno, just using an example)

    It took a health scare to get me to appreciate my life. About 5 years ago I was in the same situation as you. Hated the fact that I was gay. I was actually mad about it. I hated it. I wanted more than anything to be straight. I would "pray" at night that I would wake up straight...

    well, here I am....gay.
    so what?

    Soon after that health scare I spoke of I really began to think differently. I began to appreciate life. I spent so much time focusing on all the negative feelings and aspects of being gay that I was literally letting life pass me by.
    I decided that this is MY only life I get and I'm gonna make the best of it from now on. I'm not gonna waste any more time hating myself or hating being gay. I am what I am.... like it or leave it. I cant really change it. As long as u stay like a good person and shit....you'll be alright.


    get over it dude, you're gay. Move on. So what? no one really gives a fuck... u shouldn't either. Accept it. It's not like some horrible curse that's going to ruin ur life. . at least if u dont let it.

    Honestly, I totally understand where u were coming from. The only reason I'm even bothering to write such an extensive response is because I can totally identify with you.

    U dont have to be miserable dude. U just need to figure that out and realize it.

    bensides, who wants a bitchy wife controlling ur every waking moment and some shitty bratty kids running around? It sounds nice and all...but let's be honest wouldnt u rather be tanning on the beach and getting mani/pedis? jkjkjk
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    Feb 14, 2012 9:28 PM GMT
    This to me is one of those issues that can't really be talked through. At least, not as the first step.

    First things first...**HUG** If I really could, I'd physically force myself through the Internet to reach you to give you a confident, physical long one. Go find a friend...someone you can confide in, and get yourself a long one, please. Guy or girl. Doesn't matter. But the physical contact is important.

    So, now that you've gotten physical comfort, we can continue to talk through this. Life is hard. It's sheer fact. Everybody's got problems of some kind in their lives, glamorous and perfect as some might seem on the outside. Not one man is invulnerable. And so there's a new way you need to look at how you live. I believe the judgment to live a life for the sake of being forever happy is misguided. Happiness is a transient emotion, not an eternal one. What matters more is finding the strength within your own being to be able to cope with the challenges that will inevitably dissipate the happiness episodes. People die, accidents happen, some may incur financial loss and loss of social mobility. If you can gain that sense of stability and management in your life, even when things are beyond your control, you will ensure for yourself greater well-being. Well-being is the goal of life, because it is a journey. A long one at that, full of twists and turns and trials of all kinds. Being gay is not something you learn to accept in one day. We understand the implications of identifying as any LGBT label in a largely heterosexual society. People may discriminate and presume and stereotype, among other things. In that sense, we despair because we lose that sense of security being straight would otherwise offer us. Some will despair to the point of contemplating suicide; they see the danger as very real and inescapable. But those of us that remain grow bolder. We learn to cope. Confidence grows and we gain character and become enlightened and regain that sense of security. But it's a gradual process. And sometimes, we need to seek professional guidance to practice these coping skills. There is no shame to be had in visiting a therapist or a counselor. They will help you to learn to cope if assistance is needed in that process. If you gain the necessary growth to learn to deal with these feelings, it will feel better. Life will be better. But make it a priority: find yourself a healthy outlet so you may vent, and let your heart float and be free.

  • Feb 14, 2012 9:35 PM GMT
    Its as if you read a page from the book of my life. There's going to come a day when you will realize that love is attractive and infectious. Because I know this scenario, my advice is to stay relentless in your pursuit for love and happiness because everyone can love you and be happy for you but if you don't love yourself it will show and eventually you'll be left with nothing. One major lesson I've learned is that God is Real and loves us all because we are His expressions. No two are the same. You go back to these self hating feeling because you're afraid you're wrong. Just remember we are all a work in progress, no one wakes up perfect. You have to believe you deserve to be happy.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Feb 14, 2012 9:43 PM GMT
    From what you have written, I wonder whether sexual orientation is really the major part of your problem. No doubt it is a part of your problem, but I strongly suspect that depression is the major part of the problem.

    I suggest discussing your situation with a qualified therapist. If you main problem is depression, that should be treated first. It may be that if your problem is basically depression and that problem is resolved, you will be able to deal adequately and effectively with your concerns about sexual orientation.

    I hope that you will recover from your situation and that you will, as a result, become happier and more productive.
  • BmwKid92

    Posts: 1097

    Feb 14, 2012 9:52 PM GMT
    Go watch, it gets better videos
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    Feb 14, 2012 10:18 PM GMT
    I appreciate all of you taking the time out of your day to read and subsequently respond with your advice. It seems like some of you know exactly what I'm going through. Luckily for me, there are some people who care enough to take the time to help me. I don't know what to say but I hope Thank You is enough.

    Right now I've just woken up and my mood has shifted. It happens a lot. I think there might be (as some of you have pointed out) deeper psychological problems that are the underlying cause here. It pains me to admit that because my whole life I've been taught to be strong-minded with control over myself. I play tennis a lot which means I've developed an independent mind and the thought that I will need someone to rely on is foreign to me. It just doesn't seem right that I would have this disadvantage. My whole life I've been taught that you don't give up when things get hard, but for once, I just don't want it to be hard. I just want a nice, smooth ride.

    I will look into some therapy or guidance but I don't have any money and I don't want to bring it up to my family because I don't think they have enough to support it and if they don't I don't want it to just hang in the air like that.

    Music is a big part of my life, and I can't help but listen to lyrics when I listen to songs, so Greatest Love of All might be on repeat until I'm happy again.

    As I said, today I woke up feeling better, much better. But usually I feel abandoned, hopeless, not deserving of love, and probably the biggest of all, like I don't belong. When will it all go away?
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    Feb 14, 2012 10:24 PM GMT
    It's a process...doesn't happen overnight. I went through the same. You are not alone. You have many brothers here. Anytime you want a shoulder...just e-mail....
  • kolkii

    Posts: 147

    Feb 14, 2012 10:27 PM GMT
    don't try so hard..

    your post hits home, and brings up some old feelings.. i lost my best male friend in college for coming out, but that was PEANUTS in comparison to the genuine frndships I made after coming out.

    being gay is a paradox in a way..

    if you don't come out, it's what you think of mostly (ie stories to say what you did this wkend, a white lie here and there).... not a healthy way to live...

    ..and in reverse, once you come out (and if needed, move to a city that's more accepting - though you may not even have to move).. being gay becomes less relevant, just a part of you..

    i came out around your age, but not to be "free" per se (though kudos if that's your motive)...

    my motive was regret.. i read stories about older people who came out in their 40's, and the continuing thread is that they all regretted not coming out earlier...

    ..imagine all the fun (not even sexually, but sure) you could miss out on in your prime 20's/30's..

    in a way i came out because of fear, ironically not courage (though one could argue).. fear of regret
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    Feb 14, 2012 10:30 PM GMT
    There are so many gay guys out there who have gone through very similar situations. Never be afraid to reach out for help!
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Feb 14, 2012 10:47 PM GMT
    I'm at the last hurdle of "coming out"... aka "letting in" others (my parents being the last people I need to tell). There is only one specific reason I haven't told my folks...entirely different issue though. I may not be the best at advice but I'll try:

    Anyway...I struggled with this issue initially as well when I first accepted myself. I thought "I don't wan't others painting a picture of me GoGo dancing in some FAG bar. I don't wan't others envisioning me pounding some guy relentlessly up the ass. I don't want....." and then it hit me. "I don't want to be sad, lonely, and lost in self denial anymore." And as if a lightbulb turned on in my head icon_exclaim.gif, my whole disposition changed . "Who cares if people call me a fag for having an AWESOME night in a gay bar. Who cares if someone is detested by the fact that I want to make sweet sweet love to a man." In the end, it's my life. Life is short. Why torture yourself for the short amount of time that we all are alotted on this tiny tiny spec of dirt we call earth. After all, tomorrow is not promised. It would be sad to leave this world hating yourself.
  • Kobe_Whisky

    Posts: 192

    Feb 14, 2012 10:54 PM GMT
    how can you know that straight is better than gay life! Happiness is depend on what you love and want.
    ok! i used to be straight and have some girls expected to have child. then what? girl never cheat? stay with girl, you got warm? maybe divorce late cuz that's not what you wanted.
    nothing wrong with gay life, just make sure you found the right guy then you will have a happier family than everyone else.
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    Feb 15, 2012 1:17 AM GMT
    How do you know...

    guide_me_home saidthat my family would be supportive and my friends wouldn't care but I've spent so much time defending that I'm not gay ...
    ?

    Is it because you have been testing them by...

    guide_me_home saidI know that my family would be supportive and my friends wouldn't care but I've spent so much time defending that I'm not gay that I can't just come out and say that I am.
    ?

    Maybe you can come out to them now.

    The cutting is disturbing but you are obviously a high functioning guy. Do try to seek professional help as others suggested. If you or your parents have medical insurance on you, than probably you are at least somewhat covered for psychological care. If not, probably you can find some aid on a sliding scale basis.

    As for thinking you don't need it, some of the smartest, most creative, most wonderful people I've known and know utilize the professional services of counseling. My own mentor in life was a brilliant psychiatrist (a teacher, a lecturer and a damned good pool player), my mother utilized the profession for her entire life. I was just discussing a few nights ago with an extremely bright friend of mine who enjoys an incredibly successful media career her therapy and that she finally got her mom going too. It isn't a sign of weakness, it is a sign of courage that you would seek to explore yourself beyond the means or daring of most.

    You have let this world hurt you. Now let this world help you.

    Peace man.
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    Feb 15, 2012 2:11 AM GMT
    My comments in Violet.

    guide_me_home said...I know that my family would be supportive and my friends wouldn't care but I've spent so much time defending that I'm not gay that I can't just come out and say that I am. ...

    Yes you can. You're allowed to change your mind.

    ...And what about in my future? I'm supposed to grow up and have kids and a wife, not adopt. ...

    No. You don't have to.


    ...I don't know why I think that way but I can't change it. ...

    Yes you can. You can change your thoughts at will. You just have to want to.

    ...I'm incredibly sad. Each day when I wake up I think, how disappointing.. And whenever I am awake, I think about how much better my life would be if I were straight. ...

    Not necessarily. Straight guys generally have a lot of societal baggage that they have to carry around.

    ...Sometimes it gets too much. I can't handle it. It's beginning to consume me. It eats me up at night. I stay awake hating myself. Hating myself. I've tried to accept it and move on but the guilt overpowers me. It creeps into the rest of my life. I stare into the mirror and I hate the person who looks back at me. So many flaws and now my whole life is falling apart. I starve myself sometimes and I've even cut. I'm a terrible person for doing those things I know but it takes away the numbness. I'm a f*cking mess....

    Google: "Existential Crisis"
    See my post in this thread: Uncomfortable in my own skin?

    Also, consider changing your self-talk.


    Things that used to make me happy don't anymore. ...

    Find something that does.

    ...I'm always alone and I hate it. I'm not a stupid person. I know people should love themselves and accept themselves and not care about what anyone else thinks or does, and for a while I tried so hard to think like that. I even wear a bracelet that says "Stay Positive" but somehow I always come back to this hole in my life....

    Again, Google: "Existential Crisis"

    ...At times I don't think I'm capable of being loved. I've never had a boyfriend nor girlfriend and I thought that I was purposely liking people who weren't available so as not to get my hopes up. So then I tried to go for people who were attainable. I stayed open to all possibilities. But people always leave me in the end. I'm a nice person. Why is this happening to me? I don't feel like I deserve to be sad but my life is constantly shadowed in darkness. This is my life. This isn't an aspect of it, like work, or home, or sports, it's the whole thing. I can't take it anymore. This isn't fair....

    Don't worry. Life isn't fair for anybody. And, it's not happening to you. It happens to everybody. Even the rich have problems that money can't buy them out from under. So, sit and make a "gratitude list". List all of the what you have in your life for which you are grateful. Also, list the stuff you DON'T have that you DON'T want. THAT can really make you grateful. Remember, it can always be worse.

    ...I can't even remember what it feels like to be happy. This confusion has made me numb and hollow. And when your 'friends' put you down enough, you start to believe them. I'm fighting what feels like a losing war. I just want you to know that for the longest time, I tried my hardest, but it wasn't good enough and if things don't change soon, I don't know what will happen. ...

    Fuck 'em! Find new friends who like and love you just the way you are With over 7 Billion other people on this planet, your odds of at least one person who likes you are pretty good.



    Oh, and Google: "Existential Crisis". They don't have to be fatal and can actually be quite enlightening.
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    Feb 15, 2012 11:26 AM GMT
    Existential crisis. Very deep stuff. Could agree I am but would have to look into it further. Thanks for that.

    Looking back on what I wrote I can see that I was in a dark place. I'm not always like that. I really am a fun guy and I love going out to clubs and spending time with friends. I love being social but I also like being alone too. I'm apparently a very complex person.

    The one thing I don't like is how low I think of myself. I honestly hate the way I look. Without coming across as arrogant, I can see why I've been told I'm good looking. But all I see are the numerous flaws. I don't see how anyone would like me, and I feel like that's a justified response based on past history and events and people shutting me down. I don't think I would be good in a relationship due to the fact I would constantly be waiting for the moment when they would realise that I'm not worth it.

    F*CK. Alright. Gonna try harder.

    P.S. If anyone's seen Degrassi: Next Generation, I'm basically Riley