Open Relationships?

  • socalisurfer

    Posts: 68

    Feb 15, 2012 3:45 AM GMT
    I have a pretty diverse group of friends and noticed that most of the relaltionships ,within my group, that seem to last throughout the years are open ones, e.g, two of my friends early 30's have been together since their soph year in college they are going on over a decade. Which is, one, unheard for such a young couple and ,two, add to the fact that they're gay well it's just hard to believe. Now move on to my mom's next door neighbors. Gay couple in their mid to late 40's been together since early their 30's. Another friend and his BF, ones 30 others 24, going on 3 years together, now their relationship isn't in the double digits years, but they still are a strong couple and its obvious when you're around them. One thing all these couples have is that they are in open relationships. They each have certain rules and boundaries though.

    Now for the questions. Do you guys think monogamy is possible for two men in a relationship? I mean we are men and every know and then we get the urge to try something or someone new. Now for some that urge might be stronger than for others, should that be encouraged once in a while? Would you be okay with your partner wanting to have sex with a stranger once in a while? But knowing that it's just sex, nothing less nor more. I know being in an open relationship opens up a can of worms, just the though of picking up an STD is huge. I just wanna get opinions and thoughts from you guys. I don't want to debate the morality of it nor judge people that are in 'em as being slutty. Just want honest opinions. Thanks.
  • fbformula

    Posts: 10

    Feb 15, 2012 4:56 AM GMT
    The way I see it. An open relationship is only for the very secure. If you cant trust your partner enough to know that the sex is not attached to anything deeper than lust; you shouldn't be in an open relationship. That said, there are some people that cannot live an entire life on one dick alone. I understand that side as well and I believe that with the right partner they can fuck around and still have a strong relationship for a lifetime. I feel like monogamy is entirely possible. But I feel like most are not programmed to be 100% monogamous so even in a monogamous relationship there are times when a guy needs to be cut some slack on the rare occasion. For the record in a monogamous relationship and have never had to deal with cheating on either end, 2 and a half years strong, so my viewpoint might be a little different years from now or if I ever had to deal with some sort of infidelity on either end.
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:02 AM GMT
    Monogamy is the way to go.
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:05 AM GMT
    I used to loathe the idea, but having been cheated on so many times; I've come to make peace with the idea of having an open play together/play alone scenario. Never wanted to get to this point in my reasoning; but it's necessary if I'm ever to be with a man long term again; and still keep our (potential)love and passion burning into the years. I personally would be happy with the occasional third with a closed relationship, but since my other halves have always been my opposites and in need of another go around the block, I can find it in me to be okay with an open relationship. On a less logical note: if my partners of the past would have told me that they really wanted to be in a open relationship and not just pussyfoot behind my back, maybe I would still be with them. So, here's some advice for you guys out there who always need another dick. Talk to your current boyfriend/partner about it; and save the drama of cheating.

    Cheers!
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:06 AM GMT
    Frankly, the only people who can answer these questions are the ones who've sustained a serious long term relationship of any kind.

    Given that I do not fall into that category, I say no more.
  • Thumper30

    Posts: 29

    Feb 15, 2012 5:08 AM GMT
    I think Monogamy is a myth. It's not to say that it's not possible, but it takes an incredible amount of honesty to recognize what monogamy really means to a couple. Choosing monogamy shouldn't be a default you assume, but a conscious choice/ contract two people enter into..... because it takes a lot of work. Of course, having a successful open relationship takes a great deal of honesty too. Basically I'm saying that choosing to be in a relationship is a "choice" that has consequences and challenges. You will have a more successful time staying in love with open honest communication, trust, and acceptance of your own humanity.
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:16 AM GMT
    Why wouldn't monogamy be possible? Straight couples do it all the time. Lesbians do it all the time. I don't understand why people think it's so hard

    Relationships are hard- but that doesn't mean you immediately make it an open relationship.
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:26 AM GMT
    running11 saidWhy wouldn't monogamy be possible? Straight couples do it all the time. Lesbians do it all the time. I don't understand why people think it's so hard

    Relationships are hard- but that doesn't mean you immediately make it an open relationship.


    Straight couples also cheat on each other -- more than you think.

    The people advocating for open relationships are probably just sick of being cheated on and would rather their partners be honest. There is something to be said for that level of honesty within a gay relationship, which is probably less possible than in straight relationships.

    Once again, gay and bi people are evolutionary superior.
  • Thumper30

    Posts: 29

    Feb 15, 2012 5:26 AM GMT
    Its a myth that most straight couples do it. Many have private open agreements, many just stop having sex, and many are cheated. The reason divorce is on the rise is because the "fantasy" of monogamy is just assumed to be human nature, instead of accepting the conscious decision it takes to stay monogamous forever.
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:29 AM GMT
    TrojanAthlete said
    running11 saidWhy wouldn't monogamy be possible? Straight couples do it all the time. Lesbians do it all the time. I don't understand why people think it's so hard

    Relationships are hard- but that doesn't mean you immediately make it an open relationship.


    Straight couples also cheat on each other -- more than you think.

    The people advocating for open relationships are probably just sick of being cheated on and would rather their partners be honest. There is something to be said for that level of honesty within a gay relationship, which is probably less possible than in straight relationships.

    Once again, gay and bi people are evolutionary superior.


    I was not making my point based on what "straight people" do- I'm just saying a lot of gay men use being a male as an excuse to not have monogamy because men are sexual creatures.

    Open relationships involve trust, but so do monogamous relationships. It's all about what you want for yourself and what you're willing to do/sacrifice.
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:30 AM GMT
    running11 saidWhy wouldn't monogamy be possible? Straight couples do it all the time. Lesbians do it all the time. I don't understand why people think it's so hard

    Relationships are hard- but that doesn't mean you immediately make it an open relationship.


    Straight couples don't do it anymore than gay couplesm (you have heard the stat that over 50% end in divorce?) and the lesbians I know have a mix of monogamous or open relationships on the same par as straight couples. Many lesbians tend to be in 'serial' (as opposed to cereal) monogamous relationships. Two people of any sexuality can choose to be monogamous if they are both committed to it. But, many times one or the other goes astray at one time or another. Monogamy is a judeo-christian phenom of the 19th century. Before that many men and women both lived in much more open and fluid ways. The old saying, 'It takes a village to raise a chlld' has merit, as many people are involved and lend valuable assistance. Same can be true for couples. In my opinion, to put so much pressure one person to be your everything, and to be absolutely monogamous for life, is asking a lot.

    If that's what you want, choose wisely so you are not hurt too often.

    Disclaimer: Open relationship here for over 30 years. We are a loving and happy couple. Best of luck to you.
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:32 AM GMT
    spidey54 said
    running11 saidWhy wouldn't monogamy be possible? Straight couples do it all the time. Lesbians do it all the time. I don't understand why people think it's so hard

    Relationships are hard- but that doesn't mean you immediately make it an open relationship.



    Disclaimer: Open relationship here for over 30 years. We are a loving and happy couple. Best of luck to you.


    Props, but at this time in my life, I feel I could never do it. Maybe in 30 years I will feel different but I know what I want for my life at this point and time. But I cannot predict the future but I also will not sacrifice or allow something like that to go on in my life at this point and time.
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    Feb 15, 2012 5:32 AM GMT
    the question isn't if monogamy is possible, it obviously is. It is just a lot harder to maintain. The question is, would you want to deal with sexual temptation for the rest of your life? Do you think you would be able to resist all the time? the answer is yes. you can. however, this would still cause a possible flicker of doubt and stress over the course of your relationship the more it occurs. Agreeing to have an open relationship is taking that stress out of the equation. (that being said, i only mean this for those that are COMPLETELY trustful of themselves and their partners. otherwise that would add a whole other level of stress). If you are in love, you are best friends, and you know them in and out, what is so wrong with admitting that? you know you love them and you want them in your life, they think the same, and you know it is just meaningless sex with others while the sex between you two is love.

    i can see how it doesn't seem logical to some, but i think it just depends on if people can differentiate sex from love making.
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:32 AM GMT
    running11 said
    TrojanAthlete said
    running11 saidWhy wouldn't monogamy be possible? Straight couples do it all the time. Lesbians do it all the time. I don't understand why people think it's so hard

    Relationships are hard- but that doesn't mean you immediately make it an open relationship.


    Straight couples also cheat on each other -- more than you think.

    The people advocating for open relationships are probably just sick of being cheated on and would rather their partners be honest. There is something to be said for that level of honesty within a gay relationship, which is probably less possible than in straight relationships.

    Once again, gay and bi people are evolutionary superior.


    I was not making my point based on what "straight people" do- I'm just saying a lot of gay men use being a male as an excuse to not have monogamy because men are sexual creatures.

    Open relationships involve trust, but so do monogamous relationships. It's all about what you want for yourself and what you're willing to do/sacrifice.


    That's fine, as long as you aren't trying to make some case for monogamy based on what the straights are allegedly doing.

    You made you point more finely the second time around: the case for monogamy vs. open relationships needs to be made within the context of that specific relationship and needs and values of the specific couple. And gay couples who are able to make the decision to either be monogamous or not are, in my view, superior to straight couples who claim to be monogamous -- then lie and cheat.

    Both my committed monogamous relationship AND the 30-year open relationship are more honorable than the "monogamous" (coughLAUGHcough) relationships of many of my straight friends.
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:33 AM GMT
    My question for you, socalisurfer....what about you?
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:36 AM GMT
    For me, it's monogamy all the way. I want nothing more than to have one guy next to me for the rest of my life. I was brought up with a very traditional/religious set of parents and grandparents that drilled it into my head that you find the one, and then they're it. Even when it came around to me coming out, the conversation just switched to "when you find him, he's it." It's en-rooted in my head, and while trying out the opposition a time or two...it's what I want. I want to wake up and fall asleep next to the same guy. The hard part comes in when you try to find someone who also feels that way.
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:36 AM GMT


    Here's my take:

    There are lots of monogamous relationships (we're in one), and some are successes.
    Some are failures.
    There are lots of open relationships, and some are successes.
    Some are failures.

    Whichever one feels right and works for the people involved is what's, well, right. icon_wink.gif

    Whether it works out or not is also entirely dependent on the people involved.


    -Doug

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    Feb 15, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    Of course monogamy is possible in a relationship. I married my man last summer and we celebrated our 12th relationship anniversary in novembre. My man and I lived monogamous for about nine years. Many gays kept telling us, we would eventually grow up and fuck around too. I hated that, but it actually happened at some point.
    At some point the concept of jealousy didn't make any sense to us anymore. We thought, maybe that way we could also try out a few things, the other one wouldn't enjoy. If one day he'd say, that he would want to be monogamous again, I might need some time adjusting to the idea, but since he is totally worth it, I would do it.
  • socalisurfer

    Posts: 68

    Feb 15, 2012 5:51 AM GMT
    running11 saidWhy wouldn't monogamy be possible? Straight couples do it all the time. Lesbians do it all the time. I don't understand why people think it's so hard

    Relationships are hard- but that doesn't mean you immediately make it an open relationship.


    Thanks to everyone for their replies. Me, I'm single. I'm just curious as to others thoughts and experience when dealing with relationships whether monogamous or open. And if monogamy is possible. I think it is but it's a very, very small percentage.

    As straight couples doing it all the time. Well most of my friends are straight and I can honestly say that on average 80%+ or more their relationships have ended because of cheating. The only straight relationships where I know infidelity was not a factor is my uncle who's being married for 25+ years, granted it's his second marriage and he cheated on his first wife and my brother who's been married for 8 years. Also look at swingers? Wouldn't that be the equivalent to our open relationships. As to lesbians I can't really comment.

    I know relationships are hard, I've just noticed that the ones that have lasted are open ones. Now could I be in one? I don't know. Ive been in three and was cheated on once. Me personally I'm monogamous. Yeah if I see a hot guy I will notice him, but as to getting sexually aroused by someone who's not my bf...it aint gonna happen. I'm just wired that way.
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:53 AM GMT
    I recently came out of a nearly 8 year monogamous relationship which is a long time for any couple and I am proud of having had that relationship. Also this was both of our first gay relationship which makes the time endured even more meaningful to me. Now there were a couple breakups and some really tough times but there were also a ton of awesome times.

    In the end I think the age difference played the largest role in the final split but it was not due to cheating or the desire to sleep around. It merely just ended and is now a great memory that I have to hold on to for the rest of my life.

    With all that said I think it is safe to say that no matter what the relationship status is; some go the distance and others go to the shitter. For me I would never be in an open relationship since sex is much more than a physical act for me. Have I lusted and thought "man I'd love to hit that hot piece of ass right there", yes I have but never considered going through with it or tried to make it happen. For me I think perfecting my craft with one person far more supersedes my ability to poke around every hole in the yard like a lonely little weasel when I have a special hole that I know is great waiting for me at home. Never know which hole might have a snake in it so I like to stick with the one I have come to love and trust and be happy with just that one :-)
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    Feb 15, 2012 5:57 AM GMT
    Open relationships aren't the problem, the bullshit justifications many people give for why they're in one is the problem. The most ridiculous justification is "I'm just wired differently"... EVERYONE likes sex. I mean we all LOVE to cum. We're all wired to LOVE cumming. All of us.

    I think the sooner a person accepts that they are simply unwilling to only have sex with the person they love, the better it is for all involved. Just like when an overweight person realizes that they're unwilling to only have one serving of food as a meal. Or when a person in debt realizes that they are unwilling to delay their gratification when they continue to buy things they can't afford. Knowing that you have a choice is half the battle.
  • socalisurfer

    Posts: 68

    Feb 15, 2012 6:12 AM GMT
    turbobilly saidMy question for you, socalisurfer....what about you?


    Good question. I think I answered it my previous post, granted the longest relationship I was in was over 2 years so in the scheme of things really not a long-term relationship. Who knows, maybe I would want to be in an open relationship. So to answer your question I really don't know. A lot of you guys have said some VERY insightful things.
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    Feb 15, 2012 6:33 AM GMT
    socalisurfer said
    turbobilly saidMy question for you, socalisurfer....what about you?


    Good question. I think I answered it my previous post, granted the longest relationship I was in was over 2 years so in the scheme of things really not a long-term relationship. Who knows, maybe I would want to be in an open relationship. So to answer your question I really don't know. A lot of you guys have said some VERY insightful things.


    In my opinion, it's not so much about monogamy or an open relationship, it has to do with communicating with each other and knowing, based on that open communications, what your relationship needs.

    Open relationships work for some and not for others, monogamy works for some and not for others, it's really about how well you communicate with each other that dictates the strength of your relationship. A lack of communications, leads to a discontentment and, eventually, a deterioration and dissolve of the relationship. If you're able to be open with each other and talk about needs, desires, fantasies, then you find a way to fulfill those things that works for both of you.
  • maxxbot

    Posts: 9

    Feb 15, 2012 6:43 AM GMT
    I think when a lot of people discuss this issue they feel the need to project their personal relationship needs or those of their partner onto other couples, don't do that. ALL that matters is what works for you, and what works for your relationship. Don't let anyone tell you that such and such type of relationship will or won't work for you, because individuals are really too different in this aspect to be able to say stuff like that. What's universally important is that you trust each other and are honest about your wants and needs.
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    Feb 15, 2012 7:19 AM GMT
    Different strokes for different folks.. There are plenty of polygamous societies in the world.. so I cant imagine monogamy needing to be a gold standard.. just something that some people enjoy