Alcoholism

  • chicollege89

    Posts: 1

    Feb 16, 2012 7:04 AM GMT
    I want some advice. I have been dating this really great guy. Recently I lost my job due to some pretty crazy behavior on my part that involved alcohol. So I have decided to go to AA because I think that I got way out of control and I want to be a better person. I sent the guy that Im dating a text saying that I think I have a problem and that I need to do this for myself and that if he didn't want to continue with me (seeing as how he just turned 21) that would be understandable.
    I really want to be with him but I don't know what it would be like to be with him and sober. Also I don't know what he would think of me (I think that there is a lot of stigma attached to admitting that I have a problem).
    So what do you think? If a guy told you they were an alcoholic, would you still want to be with them?
    Thanks for your input,
    -Confused and worried.
  • BmwKid92

    Posts: 1097

    Feb 16, 2012 7:55 AM GMT
    i would tell them YOLO!!!
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    Feb 16, 2012 8:23 AM GMT
    People got so confused about this post and keep quoting it that I'm going to go ahead and remove it. Please reference below to my other posts that are a bit more thought out...
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    Feb 16, 2012 12:27 PM GMT
    TallJock saidYou're 23. You're not an alcoholic...you just don't know how to handle your alcohol. 2 different things.

    I was once like you: lost a job due to getting drunk with my best friend and showing up late or sleeping in late and not calling in. I've crashed a few parties by getting too drunk, gotten alcohol poisoning 2 or 3 times (I didn't go to the hospital or anything though LOL, just the throwing up all night and the next morning LOL). I never went to AA, but 2 years ago I told myself I had to control myself. And I did.

    Don't tell him. Work on yourself, but don't reveal things you may regret later.

    Here's some advice: stop doing shots if you are. I never do shots when I go out, maybe 1 EARLY in the night and only 2 drinks. Don't be one of those boring guys like my X that never drink because they didn't know how to handle their liquor and got 2 DUIs. That's boring. I know millionaires and business owners that will have a drink occasionally.

    I haven't vomited in over 2 years from drinking, but I drink wine daily after dinner and never let anyone force me to drink more than I can handle when at a bar or out with friends. Friends laugh at me when I order a tonic water with lemon. Get on that plan.


    With no disrespect intended, TallJock's advice is obviously well intended, but it is ill conceived. He doesn't know your situation to offer such input. What you are doing is the correct action. If you feel you may be out of control with alcohol then stick to your plan.

    If I had a sense of attraction, interest, and commitment to you then your pursuing alcohol evaluations and participation in AA would not be a problem for me, and if it was then it's my problem and not yours. You need to put yourself first in this regard. For now you're #1. Get it right and your entire life is open to great accomplishments and potentials. Fail yourself in your suspicions here and the risks are tremendous.

    Hats off to you for having the courage to follow through with the plan.
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    Feb 16, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    Hey man,

    First off, congrats on recognizing you have a problem, and grabbing the bull by the horns and tackling it.

    I think "Talljock" words are well intentioned, but every individual is different, and we don't know you or your situation (and nor am I asking for details). Only you and those close to you can decide truly if you're an alcoholic, and yes, it's possible by 23.

    I have dated guys that didn't drink. And I have dated guys that drank entirely too much. Given the choice, I'll take the former versus the latter.

    There will probably be a period where you don't want to be put in a social situation with alcohol around - exactly how long that will be, only you will know that. That's probably where the biggest compromise comes in.

    However, it doesn't stop you from dating anyone, it just shifts your choices slightly. Rather than go out to a bar and watch the game, you watch the game at home... (and get to cuddle - which can lead to abrupt displacement to the floor by some sports fans...lol). Ya'll can still have dinner, go to movies, play sports, etc, etc, etc, just like normal.

    It's certainly not an issue for me. But, 21 years old is young, and he may not have the life experience or maturity to be able to handle that. Ultimately, I think you've done the right thing on all accounts. And for the moment, the ball is in the guy's court you're dating. It will reveal a lot about his character whichever choice he makes.

    There are plenty of others in the sea.

    Congrats on taking steps towards correcting your problems. It'll get easier with time.
  • 24hourguy

    Posts: 364

    Feb 16, 2012 2:55 PM GMT
    I had to want to be sober more than I wanted some boyfriend
    I had to focus on that first and foremost for a while
    (for me) it meant staying home on weekends or going to movies or coffee with sober friends instead of going out to the bars ---the world didn't end

    Sobriety is still the most important thing in my life, and allows me to live, and have a life because;
    If I'm dead or in jail because of drinking -that doesn't exactly make me boyfriend material anyway

    Only you can decide if you're an alcoholic
    The good news is that there is help and you don't have to live a life of active, untreated alcoholism
    There is a solution
    Try 90 meetings in 90 days -what's the worst that could happen?
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    Feb 16, 2012 3:07 PM GMT
    Those of us who find sobriety to be sexy and desirable are in the minority, but we are out there. When I spent more time on dating sites I saw plenty of postings from people who are mostly drug-alcohol free.
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    Feb 17, 2012 1:53 AM GMT
    berkco01 said
    With no disrespect intended, TallJock's advice is obviously well intended, but it is ill conceived. He doesn't know your situation to offer such input. What you are doing is the correct action.


    Well when I said to, "work on himself" I was referring to that plan of action that he chose to take. I wasn't steering him away from going to AA.

    But I don't feel he needs to tell potential dates at the moment. What's wrong with, "I'm working on trying not to drink (or drink less) and don't wish to have a drink right now?" What happened to not baring all?

    For example, a guy I only met 3 or 4 times now tells me everytime we meet up, how he used to shoot up dope, that he's ADHD or whatever, and all his former life about drugs. Sure I was understanding, but having not known him long enough I'm pretty much ambivalent about seeing him again.

    In addition, the OP mention 1 situation where he got a little crazy over alcohol and got fired. And now he thinks he needs AA. Come on, he's a teenager/young adult. Not a 41 year old man. Guys our age do stupid shit once in a while, the consequences of that stupid shit is usually incentive enough to control yourself. God forbid the consequences isn't life-altering, but it's usually little things like pissing in the bed, falling down, or getting fired.

    All AA is going to do for someone who isn't REALLY an alcoholic is make you a saint about drinking and you're going to turn down a simple Chardonnay over dinner or a glass of harmless champagne on a cruise.
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    Feb 17, 2012 1:56 AM GMT
    AADUDE2012 said[...] If a guy told you they were an alcoholic, would you still want to be with them?[...]


    NO.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Feb 17, 2012 2:01 AM GMT
    TallJock saidYou're 23. You're not an alcoholic...you just don't know how to handle your alcohol. 2 different things.

    I was once like you: lost a job due to getting drunk with my best friend and showing up late or sleeping in late and not calling in. I've crashed a few parties by getting too drunk, gotten alcohol poisoning 2 or 3 times (I didn't go to the hospital or anything though LOL, just the throwing up all night and the next morning LOL). I never went to AA, but 2 years ago I told myself I had to control myself. And I did.

    Don't tell him. Work on yourself, but don't reveal things you may regret later.

    Here's some advice: stop doing shots if you are. I never do shots when I go out, maybe 1 EARLY in the night and only 2 drinks. Don't be one of those boring guys like my X that never drink because they didn't know how to handle their liquor and got 2 DUIs. That's boring. I know millionaires and business owners that will have a drink occasionally.

    I haven't vomited in over 2 years from drinking, but I drink wine daily after dinner and never let anyone force me to drink more than I can handle when at a bar or out with friends. Friends laugh at me when I order a tonic water with lemon. Get on that plan.


    Everything about this advice is terrible. You should stop drinking if you have 2 DUIS, for good. That's 2 chances to kill someones daughter, son, father, mother, lover...the list goes on and on...
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    Feb 17, 2012 2:04 AM GMT
    cookingitsweet said
    Everything about this advice is terrible. You should stop drinking if you have 2 DUIS, for good. That's 2 chances to kill someones daughter, son, father, mother, lover...the list goes on and on...


    You missed the point and kind of made up what you thought I said. I stated my X completely stopped drinking because he had 2 DUIs. And he damn well needed to! I'm not saying he should have kept on drinking, but not handling his liquor disqualified him from being an eligible person to drink. Period. But I don't wanna date a guy who won't order from the wine menu. That lets the whole restaurant know, "hey, I used to be an alcoholic, no wine for me". It's like damn, I might as well went to dinner with my parents icon_neutral.gif

    But it was because he couldn't handle his liquor. He'd tell me all the stories about him drinking from buckets and jugs of cheap well vodka...that's not handling your liquor. That's being excessive. You go WELL beyond getting a buzz to getting piss ass drunk. And he also totalled 2 cars.

    Now, if this thread is going to get all sanctified, I better get out of here right now.
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    Feb 17, 2012 2:12 AM GMT
    Attend six AA meetings -- you'll know then if you need to keep going.

    Good luck, whatever happens.
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    Feb 17, 2012 2:18 AM GMT
    TallJock saidYou're 23. You're not an alcoholic...you just don't know how to handle your alcohol. 2 different things.

    I was once like you: lost a job due to getting drunk with my best friend and showing up late or sleeping in late and not calling in. I've crashed a few parties by getting too drunk, gotten alcohol poisoning 2 or 3 times (I didn't go to the hospital or anything though LOL, just the throwing up all night and the next morning LOL). I never went to AA, but 2 years ago I told myself I had to control myself. And I did.

    Don't tell him. Work on yourself, but don't reveal things you may regret later.

    Here's some advice: stop doing shots if you are. I never do shots when I go out, maybe 1 EARLY in the night and only 2 drinks. Don't be one of those boring guys like my X that never drink because they didn't know how to handle their liquor and got 2 DUIs. That's boring. I know millionaires and business owners that will have a drink occasionally.

    I haven't vomited in over 2 years from drinking, but I drink wine daily after dinner and never let anyone force me to drink more than I can handle when at a bar or out with friends. Friends laugh at me when I order a tonic water with lemon. Get on that plan.


    Every single post you make just baffles me. Are you really just that thick, or do you try really hard to be a moron?
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    Feb 17, 2012 2:19 AM GMT
    Squintz said
    Every single post you make just baffles me. Are you really just that thick, or do you try really hard to be a moron?


    Did you read any of the other posts I made in this thread, or you just trying to be a show off?

    It takes one to know one, and being you can't say anything intelligent...I think you're not too far from it.

    I just have a different point of view than what others. I'm not the type to push someone into these 'programs' over 1 incident. The court system loves to do that. You slap your friend once in 20 years and they wanna throw you in anger management, 12 months probation and $1,500 in court fees. The OP mentioned 1 incident. He didn't exactly say what crazy thing he did, but I believe getting fired compelled him into going to AA.

    In my post, I was simply letting him know how I handled and improved my situation. I gave real, practical advice that was different than, "yeah go to AA" What's wrong with that? And in addition, yeah I don't know his situation enough, in the same vein we don't either. From what he has said so far there was only 1 incident. No other incidents were mentioned to warrant ANY OF YOU saying he needs to go to AA. This is coming from someone who CONSIDERed AA HIMSELF. I DID. I HAD A PROBLEM. Give me the benefit of the doubt or I will take it myself.

    See...I answer your trash with class. Can you do the same? Probably not, so just go ahead and ignore my posts then. Cause you know I have no qualms expressing my point of view.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Feb 17, 2012 2:52 AM GMT
    OP, this is your ball game. If your friend wants to hang out with you, that is great, but it is up to him. If you need to deal with your drinking, then do so. Only you can.

    In the meantime, all the rest of us can do is to stand here and wait for a success story.
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    Feb 17, 2012 2:54 AM GMT
    Bmwkid92 said i would tell them YOLO!!!
    +1
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    Feb 17, 2012 3:09 AM GMT
    TallJock said
    Squintz said
    Every single post you make just baffles me. Are you really just that thick, or do you try really hard to be a moron?


    Did you read any of the other posts I made in this thread, or you just trying to be a show off?

    It takes one to know one, and being you can't say anything intelligent...I think you're not too far from it.

    I just have a different point of view than what others. I'm not the type to push someone into these 'programs' over 1 incident. The court system loves to do that. You slap someone and they wanna throw you in anger management. The OP mentioned 1 incident. He didn't exactly say what crazy thing he did, but I believe getting fired compelled him into going to AA.

    In my post, I was simply letting him know how I handled and improved my situation. What's wrong with that? This is coming from someone who CONSIDER AA HIMSELF. Give me the benefit of the doubt or I will take it myself.

    See...I answer your trash with class. Can you do the same? Probably not, so just go ahead and ignore my posts then. Cause you know I have no qualms expressing my point of view.


    Clearly I'm quoting your first response, so I'll get to you other ones in a second...

    The sentence "You're 23. You're not an alcoholic... you just don't know how to hold your liquor" is beyond idiotic. Do you even know what alcoholism is? By definition, an alcoholic is someone that chooses to drink despite consequences it presents. There are many different degrees of alcoholism and it occurs in all demographics despite your fairly uneducated opinion.

    And I don't give you the benefit of the doubt. Just because you CONSIDERED AA yourself does not mean you know 1 anything about the program. I've been going to AA for the past 6 months, and EVERYTHING you have to offer the OP is ignorant as hell to the program.

    It's one thing to state your opinion, it's quite another to impose action based on almost-experience.

    TallJock saidIn addition, the OP mention 1 situation where he got a little crazy over alcohol and got fired. And now he thinks he needs AA. Come on, he's a teenager/young adult. Not a 41 year old man. Guys our age do stupid shit once in a while, the consequences of that stupid shit is usually incentive enough to control yourself. God forbid the consequences isn't life-altering, but it's usually little things like pissing in the bed, falling down, or getting fired.

    All AA is going to do for someone who isn't REALLY an alcoholic is make you a saint about drinking and you're going to turn down a simple Chardonnay over dinner or a glass of harmless champagne on a cruise.


    Speaking as someone who HAS been through the program and DOESN'T consider themselves an alcoholic, I'll call bullshit on the red sections. I'm staying sober for the duration of my probation because I think it will help me mature as an individual with an open mind. AA does not condemn those who enter the program and commands them to stamp a label on their forehead, but rather it tries to help anyone who thinks they might have a problem by sorting through their problems and determine if a change in lifestyle is for the better.

    Like I said before, every post you make baffles me. You have no basis for the responses you posted.

    I'd rather have a sound mind and a sharp tongue than be "classy" and ignorant any day.

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    Feb 17, 2012 3:17 AM GMT
    Sorry for the rant OP, but these idiots just keep popping up everywhere.

    Being upfront with people about this issue isn't a bad thing. If it's something you think is a problem, then someone you're going to date is eventually going to find out about it and they will have to accept it if a relationship is going to bloom in the future.

    Maybe AA could help. Despite what you've heard or what people tell you about AA, it really is a welcoming program that is not judgmental. There will be people there that have stories that are worse than yours, and not as bad as yours. But I guarantee they all have heard your story a 1000 times over. If within a couple of meetings you don't think you have a problem, then at least you found your answer.

    It's good that you have an open mind about it. I know sharing this information with people is somewhat embarrassing, but it doesn't have to be.
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    Feb 17, 2012 4:02 AM GMT
    TallJock saidYou're 23. You're not an alcoholic...you just don't know how to handle your alcohol. 2 different things.


    You obviously know nothing about alcoholism... take it from a guy who got sober at age 21 (and has been sober ever since) because he was drinking even when he didn't want to and not stopping when it was time to stop. THAT is the difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic, not age or amount.

    To the OP: I don't run around broadcasting the fact that I am sober to every person I date. Not everyone gets it (like TallJock) and not everyone likes it. Even so, after fifteen years, I am continually amazed at how attitudes of the majority of most men and women towards people who are in AA are changing as time has passed. My experience has been that most people whom I tell when they have asked why I don't drink have been pretty receptive and think it's impressive. Most folks who clearly get that initial "shock" ultimately relax when I tell them that they do not have to drinking their behavior on my account and that seeing them drink is not going to make me want it or cause me to take offense. I do not claim sainthood at all, contrary to TallJock's VERY misinformed opinions about what AA does for alcoholics, and I think I would be foolish to do so... not to mention unattractive and dishonest.

    Still, it's a matter of learning to use your discretion about whom to tell... that's going to take some time. Truthfully, my suggestion is to focus 100% of your energy on getting sober if you think you have a problem with alcohol and want to stop. Men aren't going anywhere... there's plenty of time to date and find the ones who are supportive. This guy could be one of them... if so, great. If not, you keep working on your sobriety and put first things first.

    Good luck!
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    Feb 17, 2012 4:21 AM GMT
    Maybe he shouldn't go to AA. Perhaps he isn't done drinking yet.
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    Feb 17, 2012 5:33 AM GMT
    sahem62896 saidNot everyone gets it (like TallJock) and not everyone likes it. I do not claim sainthood at all, contrary to TallJock's VERY misinformed opinions about what AA does for alcoholics, and I think I would be foolish to do so... not to mention unattractive and dishonest.


    Very misinformed as in I was in the OPs position at one point and don't know what the FUCK I'm talking about? well I'm sorry to brag that I was able to control my liquor by my own self without the help of some anonymous alcoholics telling me. I simply got tired of throwing up, feeling hungover, and not remembering shit. Nowadays, I remember everything, I remember I have bills coming due and goals to meet so I don't buy more than 2 drinks...I was even surrounded by free alcohol on Christmas day at a house party but the power of Christmas COMPELLED me to not drink more than I could handle. I actually left the 'party' after dinner. What's wrong with self-awareness? Don't be jealous that I know my limits. That's just my nature and upbringing.

    When I was 19-21...I didn't have that strength. I didn't know how to handle my liquor. Was I an anonymous alcoholic? No...I just had to learn my limits. And no friend can coerce me into going outside of those limits.

    I still stand by my point though. He mentioned 1 incident, and only 1 incident. People keep talking about AA as it pertains to alcoholics. I'm saying that OP does not sound like an alcoholic if only 1 incident occurred. I'm not suggesting alcoholics shouldn't go to AA. I'm saying in the case of the OP, his 1 incident doesn't seem like a cause to go to AA. If it was in fact 1 incident rather than something he isn't telling us.

    As for squintz...I didn't read anything else he had to say. If he wants to do this 1 on 1, we can go to battle. I'm willing to fight. But I made my point, I won't even try to reason with someone who comes at me and calls me a moron. That's not even normal behavior. It's psychotic.

    You Squintz, my friend; need anger management. And that I will recommend to you. I'm not your problem.
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    Feb 17, 2012 8:12 PM GMT
    TallJock said
    sahem62896 saidNot everyone gets it (like TallJock) and not everyone likes it. I do not claim sainthood at all, contrary to TallJock's VERY misinformed opinions about what AA does for alcoholics, and I think I would be foolish to do so... not to mention unattractive and dishonest.


    Very misinformed as in I was in the OPs position at one point and don't know what the FUCK I'm talking about? well I'm sorry to brag that I was able to control my liquor by my own self without the help of some anonymous alcoholics telling me. I simply got tired of throwing up, feeling hungover, and not remembering shit. Nowadays, I remember everything, I remember I have bills coming due and goals to meet so I don't buy more than 2 drinks...I was even surrounded by free alcohol on Christmas day at a house party but the power of Christmas COMPELLED me to not drink more than I could handle. I actually left the 'party' after dinner. What's wrong with self-awareness? Don't be jealous that I know my limits. That's just my nature and upbringing.

    When I was 19-21...I didn't have that strength. I didn't know how to handle my liquor. Was I an anonymous alcoholic? No...I just had to learn my limits. And no friend can coerce me into going outside of those limits.

    I still stand by my point though. He mentioned 1 incident, and only 1 incident. People keep talking about AA as it pertains to alcoholics. I'm saying that OP does not sound like an alcoholic if only 1 incident occurred. I'm not suggesting alcoholics shouldn't go to AA. I'm saying in the case of the OP, his 1 incident doesn't seem like a cause to go to AA. If it was in fact 1 incident rather than something he isn't telling us.

    As for squintz...I didn't read anything else he had to say. If he wants to do this 1 on 1, we can go to battle. I'm willing to fight. But I made my point, I won't even try to reason with someone who comes at me and calls me a moron. That's not even normal behavior. It's psychotic.

    You Squintz, my friend; need anger management. And that I will recommend to you. I'm not your problem.


    But talljock, I'm confused. This was only 1 incident... clearly I'm not a rageaholic based on this 1 incident. Because if I keep reiterating "1 incident" people might think that 1 incident isn't enough to send me to anger management. 1 incident should be ok, especially if that 1 incident was minor.

    You are so full of contradictions, even as a math major I can't keep up.

    TallJock saidSee...I answer your trash with class. Can you do the same? Probably not, so just go ahead and ignore my posts then. Cause you know I have no qualms expressing my point of view.

    Then
    TallJock saidAs for squintz...I didn't read anything else he had to say.


    Seriously...?icon_rolleyes.gif

    I could take the time to break down every idiotic remark you have posted, but I'm not going to bother wasting the space other people can use to write intelligent thoughts.
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    Feb 17, 2012 8:25 PM GMT
    AADUDE2012 saidSo what do you think? If a guy told you they were an alcoholic, would you still want to be with them?
    Thanks for your input,
    -Confused and worried.
    No, I would want to support him through the process, if possible. The relationship/dating is secondary.

    Assuming you are an alcoholic, there is no way to know how this journey will affect your perspective on things. You may view this guy in a completely different way down the line.

    In the short-term, if he disappears it will suck but that's about where he is in his life - not about what you are doing.

    Either way, good luck to you.
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    Feb 17, 2012 8:25 PM GMT
    berkco01 said
    TallJock saidYou're 23. You're not an alcoholic...you just don't know how to handle your alcohol. 2 different things.

    .

    Here's some advice: stop doing shots if you are. I never do shots when I go out, maybe 1 EARLY in the night and only 2 drinks. Don't be one of those boring guys like my X that never drink because they didn't know how to handle their liquor and got 2 DUIs. That's boring. I know millionaires and business owners that will have a drink occasionally.

    .


    Guess I am boring but at least I am not driving on the roads while drunk.