How to get over my first broken heart...

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    Feb 17, 2012 7:25 AM GMT
    Well, I'm 20 years old..have only been in two relationships, neither of which meant much to me, lasted long (one was one week in 9th grade..the other was for 5 weeks, 2 of which were long distance since the semester had ended last year), or really affected me very much. I had been "heartbroken" before by countless straight guys who I thought might have liked me but in reality never did. Then last year I was "brokenhearted" by the first gay friend I made who also had no feelings for me.

    Then came this year. I met someone very special. There were a lot of signs that I should have stayed away. We stupidly hooked up one drunken night and he told me the morning after that he couldn't remember the night before and that he could never be with me since he was good friends with my ex and couldn't do that to him. So ..okay. Either way we start getting really close and texting a lot and..a week later we end up hooking up again. Then a few nights later as he had his arm around me, he gives me the wonderful news that he also likes my ex. I'm..not happy to hear this, but for some reason I don't immediately get up and leave like any normal person would have. I ask him if they ever hooked up (he had spent the summer in this city for summer classes, and it's the same city my ex lives in normally) and he says he's not going to answer that. A smart person would have taken that as a yes...I of course didn't icon_neutral.gif. Me and my ex are really good friends and I did not know my ex liked him because the guy I'm talking about had a relationship with one of his best friends and it seemed like he thought it'd be wrong. So whatever..I don't worry about my ex but I still hate that my guy likes him (as his feelings are growing for me) and I'm usually pretty jealous when I hang out with my ex and see them texting.

    This all happened throughout last semester, and three times after we fought my guy would tell me that we should just "become friends again" because he still had feelings for my ex. So I'd just be like "ok"..and inevitably we ended up hooking up and being all romantic again. Then came the moment that REALLY should have made me stay away: one night after my guy and I had fought and he had ONCE again said we should just be friends, I hang out with my ex and get drunk. And I tell him I'm sad because I like the guy and he likes someone else too..and I tell him that it's him that he likes. He says he knows. I ask him if he likes him too. He says yes. I ask him if he's hooked up with him. He says yes. I ask "in the past month?" and he answers "yes..." Of course I immediately start crying because I didn't know he was hooking up with him AND me at the same time. My ex didn't know either. After this, my ex pretty much just left him completely...but..but...me being the stupid idiot that I am, and me never having had something as close to a meaningful relationship as this, stayed. Now for the next like..almost two months it's just him and me, never official (and me never pushing for it because I knew he still had feelings for my ex but that he was getting past them) and comes winter break.

    We live in different cities and we texted every single hour of every single day and he told me he missed me and couldn't wait for me to come. We get reunited at the beginning of the semester and we seem the closest we've ever been. He actually holds my hand in the car now and kisses me goodbye when I drop him off (he had never before) and it seems so happy. Then three days later we fight and...after we made up..he said he wanted to just become "friends again" because he was scared that the closer we got, the more ..intense our fights might become and that he was scared that he'd end up losing me completely from his life. He also reminded me about the boyfriend he had almost two years ago who he dated for 14 months and then walked in on him cheating on him and ever since he was scared of committing because he was afraid of being hurt.

    I of course don't want to be "just friends" and get pissed and kind of end the friendship. I was just so frustrated that he let a past relationship keep him from being happy (because he told me he was happy with me, and that he's going "against his will" by doing this). How can you let something from so long ago keep you from somebody who you know is making you happy? And how could he not see that the ONE thing that he could do to lose me completely was breaking my heart? I thought relationships were as simple as "we like each other a lot, we love each other's company since we're trying to be together as often as we can (and not just for sex), and yes, we do have a lot of good sex but we cuddle and joke and lay in bed for hours talking afterwards"...I thought all those factors were like..supposed to result in a happy relationship. I don't get it. What went wrong? How could this have ended at a time when I was the happiest? I know failures like this are learning experiences, so in a way good, but ...jesus I just feel so crappy. I thought we were right for each other, and what's sick is that even after all this has gone and after I've already pleaded my case to him and was denied, I STILL feel like what we had was right. Now he wants me to be his friend and pretty much just be hurt completely by having to be constantly around him when he couldn't risk hurting himself for me. I almost feel as though he just decided one day that since he was scared that I'd eventually hurt him, he'd do it first just so I wouldn't get the chance to.

    I don't know why I wrote so much or if anyone is reading this but I just...I mean the only other gay guy I can talk to about this is my ex and it's hard to talk to him about it because 1. he's my ex and 2. he also had a relationship with that guy so I don't know, maybe I can talk to other gay guys about it and see what they think or..I don't know. I just wanted to just let this all out and express myself I guess
  • FrankTN

    Posts: 5

    Feb 17, 2012 11:29 AM GMT
    My heart was just broken, but i think it almost gets over it. Only time can cure our broken heart though never completely. It will be always our memory and a factor helping us finding ourselves. Take care. Let it go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2012 1:32 PM GMT
    The best way to get over an ex-boyfriend is to get under a new one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2012 1:47 PM GMT
    only time can cure
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 17, 2012 1:55 PM GMT
    ythings saidonly time can cure


    Good point and I agree... you can't expect a quick fix when you are really emotionally involved. There are a wide variety of emotions and it can take some time. Let yourself have time to grieve, to be angry and to rationalize...... always be aware you need to move forward.
  • zackmorrisfan...

    Posts: 300

    Feb 17, 2012 1:57 PM GMT
    HungGarSig saidThe best way to get over an ex-boyfriend is to get under a new one.


    This!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2012 2:06 PM GMT
    go shopping... travel to the Carribean... life is too good to waist time crying!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 17, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    ice cream and waffles together
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    Feb 17, 2012 2:54 PM GMT
    calibro saidice cream and waffles together

    ill share that with you icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2012 2:57 PM GMT
    HungGarSig saidThe best way to get over an ex-boyfriend is to get under a new one.


    This

  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 17, 2012 3:00 PM GMT
    ythings said
    calibro saidice cream and waffles together

    ill share that with you icon_biggrin.gif


    20090924_Cafe%20Princess%20waffles.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2012 4:02 PM GMT
    Go on a short holiday break... I did and I'm sorta getting over it now but still it's your 1st love so it's gonna be not so easy to forget about him and the wonderful memories.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Feb 17, 2012 4:41 PM GMT
    Preoccupy thoughts of him with something else.

    I find starting a new hobby, taking on a big project at work, or setting up enough events and entertainment to keep yourself preoccupied will keep you busy enough that the heartache moments are few and far between, until it becomes just a dull ache that is more manageable.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2012 4:42 PM GMT
    For me it was a trip to Vegas, copious amounts of cocaine and hour long sweaty fuck sessions with bodybuilder/pornstar/escorts.

    You may be different.
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    Feb 17, 2012 4:43 PM GMT
    Go get you another man. Let the other one know that you ain't worried about no do right clown
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2012 4:51 PM GMT
    Dexter, I found the only way to get past it is to go through it.

    icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2012 4:54 PM GMT
    You know what they say, best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
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    Feb 17, 2012 5:02 PM GMT
    HungGarSig saidThe best way to get over an ex-boyfriend is to get under a new one.



    lol, that reminds of this song. Below the vid are the lyrics. icon_wink.gif

    http://youtu.be/298nld4Yfds
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    Feb 17, 2012 5:09 PM GMT

    Am not an advocate of promiscuity, but going out, having a great time and getting laid might really work to break the spell. It can be a ego boost. It can confirm in your own mind that you are able to attract other guys, to take a little risk, to put yourself out there, and that there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

    Getting a new bf is a great idea, but you're probably not ready.
  • travisgrassi

    Posts: 321

    Feb 17, 2012 5:30 PM GMT
    Time

    Reeses peanut butter cups

    A gallon of rocky road ice cream

    and telling yourself your better off with out him
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2012 5:43 PM GMT
    Time, as everyone has pointed out, is the cure.

    I would also suggest changing your surroundings. Go on a vacation, move into a new apartment (if desired), or just buy new furniture/hang new artwork. Changing your surrounds helps you disconnect from the memories.
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    Feb 17, 2012 5:49 PM GMT
    7Famark saidYou know what they say, best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.



    Or get on top of someone else and punish-fuck the ever living daylights out of him.

    Makes the ex fade away faster, makes you happy, and will probably make the bottom very, very happy.

    Total win-win.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2012 6:04 PM GMT
    If you are convinced that to love someone, you must be in an intimate relationship I think you're going to have a hard time getting over him, and the guys in your past. Love doesn't really obey boundaries we try to setup and accepting that you can love someone, and NOT be with them in an intimate way is a big step toward, well, maturity. If you keep going through guys and expecting them to fit your perfect conception of a happy relationship, you're going to keep failing.

    You said yourself this guy was hesitant to be in an intimate relationship with you because of feelings for your ex- and the intensity of your arguments might be a sign that you aren't right for each other in a relationship that close... but I think you do yourself a disservice by taking an all or nothing approach to relationships.

    You can just jump right in and start dating someone else, or have aimless hook-ups but is that really going to help? I'm not sure, it might. It certainly does not help me. I prefer to think about what happened (good and bad) and then decide to do better next time (for myself and in the person I chose to date).

    It does get better, it just takes time. If it helps, most people just chose to relegate their ex into the "stupid bastard" category. It seems to comfort them while excluding the fact that for whatever reason they are attracted to stupid bastards icon_razz.gif
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    Feb 17, 2012 11:59 PM GMT
    adam228 saidIf you are convinced that to love someone, you must be in an intimate relationship I think you're going to have a hard time getting over him, and the guys in your past. Love doesn't really obey boundaries we try to setup and accepting that you can love someone, and NOT be with them in an intimate way is a big step toward, well, maturity. If you keep going through guys and expecting them to fit your perfect conception of a happy relationship, you're going to keep failing.

    You said yourself this guy was hesitant to be in an intimate relationship with you because of feelings for your ex- and the intensity of your arguments might be a sign that you aren't right for each other in a relationship that close... but I think you do yourself a disservice by taking an all or nothing approach to relationships.

    You can just jump right in and start dating someone else, or have aimless hook-ups but is that really going to help? I'm not sure, it might. It certainly does not help me. I prefer to think about what happened (good and bad) and then decide to do better next time (for myself and in the person I chose to date).

    It does get better, it just takes time. If it helps, most people just chose to relegate their ex into the "stupid bastard" category. It seems to comfort them while excluding the fact that for whatever reason they are attracted to stupid bastards icon_razz.gif


    I mean...he does mean a lot to me so I don't know if I will keep him out of my life forever, but right now I'm just too...hurt by him to even want to be near him.

    I appreciate everyone's words though, it did make me feel better. I just hate that at some moments I'm still in denial about everything because it still doesn't make sense in my head.
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    Feb 18, 2012 12:10 AM GMT
    Your post was too long to read, but I am pretty sure the answer to whatever you're asking is, "Grrrrrrrl, he ain't NO good for u!"