Would you ever date a guy not out to his parents

  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Feb 17, 2012 7:47 AM GMT
    Is this to much emotional baggage for you to handle?

    You see I recently came out to all of my good friends and I know the next step is my parents. An issue arises with this. My parents are quite conservative on how relationships should work. They don't hate gay people, but definitely don't understand them and I know it's not something they want for me...........This is all besides the point.

    The point is, I know exactly when I want to tell my parents. Here is how I envision it: I graduate college, have a steady career, and am hopefully in a meaningful relationship. I invite my parent out to dinner and we have the talk.

    There are a number of reasons why I want it to be this way. I don't know how they will react to the news, and can't afford to have them cut me off financially at this very moment. I would hope to have someone's shoulder to cry on should the news not be taken well. And if they ask me if I am dating anyone, I wan't to be abe to say YES!

    But now back to the question. Would you be able to date someone in my position. Or is it all too risky?


    icon_redface.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 1:35 PM GMT
    I would. If you really like the person it doesn't matter. The only problem I could see would be if the guy was paranoid about people finding out and you could only meet in secret or something like that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 1:50 PM GMT
    Oh yeah, at your age, I definitely would.

    The trick comes when life stretches out things as you had planned them. For example, when the career, or the ideal substantive relationship you dreamed of, doesn't become quite so steady. Awkwardly, parents come to visit, and your lover, your friends and colleagues that know about your relationship are biting their tongues and looking at you with raised eyebrows because your parents still don't.

    I've found that many people strive for complete financial independence from parents before coming out, and some are more successful than others at achieving that early in their adulthood.

    Would they assist you, as an example, in securing a mortgage, if they knew the gender of the future spouse that may live in your home was not "something they'd want" for you? Does parental discomfort threaten things like inheritance, or routine "safety net" financial support while you get established in your career? People grapple with stuff like that all the time. So young men who are not out to their parent(s) yet, while unfortunate, is far from surprising to me, and sure wasn't a deal-breaker when I was a younger adult. If I'm being brutally honest with myself, it wasn't hardly a thought!

    Also you get the people who do achieve full independence quickly, often where parents haven't been much of a provider in the first place. While some go right ahead and get it over with, many elect not even to bother the parents about coming out... ever. So you get guys in their 40s and 50s who haven't had "the talk" that, by then, even the parent(s) themselves are waiting for. As I get older, I'm rapidly reaching a point where someone of similar age not already out to parents would be a bit too much to deal with. But someone in their 20s? Not such a big deal, in my singular opinion anyway.

    Do you have a family intermediary? A sibling, or a more hip aunt or uncle? Coming out to them and working it out with their help and advice might make the process with your parents much more smooth.

    ASIDE: There's a Tony-nominated play called "Next Fall" that I just saw locally, that plays similarly along those "not-out-to-conservative-parents-but-falling-in-love" lines. I would encourage anyone who hasn't seen it to go check it out if it's playing near you, and keep a few tissues handy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 1:57 PM GMT
    It depends on the guy, if he's worth the trouble of sneaking around, pretending we're just buds and sometimes not seeing each other for a few days to avoid raising supicion, then yes, I would.
  • dragonbunny

    Posts: 57

    Feb 17, 2012 2:10 PM GMT
    Ridiculous question.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 2:16 PM GMT
    Never again, no. If you're not out you're actively lying about the person in your life. Makes you feel like shit being a secret.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Feb 17, 2012 2:21 PM GMT
    i would but i am different than most people. i figured when he is ready he will come around. as long he is treating me right i will not have a problem with him. everyone comes out when they are ready. plus, if you truly love someone than you support them.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Feb 17, 2012 2:28 PM GMT
    dayumm saidOh yeah, at your age, I definitely would...
    ... So you get guys in their 40s and 50s who haven't had "the talk" that, by then, even the parent(s) themselves are waiting for. As I get older, I'm rapidly reaching a point where someone of similar age not already out to parents would be a bit too much to deal with. But someone in their 20s? Not such a big deal, in my singular opinion anyway...


    This has my opinion on that. The younger you are, the more acceptable it is, or the newer of Gay/bi you are the more easily acceptable it is of not telling your immediate family.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 2:31 PM GMT
    Guys in the closet are such useless human beings lacking all sorts of emotions!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    Yes, I would. It's not like I'm planning on marrying him anytime soon. When he's ready to come out to his folks, I'll be there for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 2:45 PM GMT
    Well this thread certainly mimic my thread :/
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 17, 2012 2:52 PM GMT
    if he were hot and/or rich enough, sure
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 2:54 PM GMT
    I would love him regardless of where he is at in his life and I would choose to stand by him if/when he chooses to take that step just as he would stand by me if things in my life weren't going well.

    That's why it's a partnership- you take the person with the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, and you work through the bad times instead of giving up on someone.

    Everyone is at different points in their life, and I remember being 16 and being scared shitless to tell my parents- so why would I judge someone I love for being scared too? That is not my place- it is my place to love them unconditionally.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 3:02 PM GMT
    calguy456 saidI would. If you really like the person it doesn't matter. The only problem I could see would be if the guy was paranoid about people finding out and you could only meet in secret or something like that.
    This is really about where I land. In happy, perfect-land everybody would be out, but the world is what it is and let's face it, some parents are assholes.

    In the relationship context, it's less about parental knowledge and more about emotional openness.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 3:02 PM GMT
    Yes, because It's his buisness who he's out to.

    I'm dating him, not his parents.

    Family. That's just code for a bunch of people who think they have a right to be in your buisness.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 3:26 PM GMT
    I know your situation very well. And can say I sure hope someone would date you cause I'm in the same boat. And I also have thought that comfort of having someone when you tell them is what I would want, just because I really think a lot of my parents and don't want to hurt them. Nobody has the same situation at home when coming out, so nobody should come down on somebody for not being out to everyone. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 3:37 PM GMT
    It depends. I would date him, but if it got to the point where we were serious, I'd want them out to their parents. I'd even help them through it at that point.
  • HPgeek934

    Posts: 970

    Feb 17, 2012 3:41 PM GMT
    A lot of times, in my case specifically, I have an amazing relationship with my parents. I see them a lot, and we get along VERY well. They know I am gay and they disagree with it completely, so we don't talk about it, and I wont bring someone home to them. If a guy can't deal with that with me, then its a dealbreaker. I came out and did my part, I cant control their thoughts.

    It's because of this, I think I would ok with dating a guy who's not out. We all have different reasons as to why and who we are not out to, who am I to judge?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 3:47 PM GMT
    Dear TheBizMan,

    ABSOLUTELY!!

    Bill was not out to his parents. It stayed that way for the first year we were together. I went to his folks place for all kinds of events, birthdays, Christmas, summer family get-togethers etc.
    I helped him work on his parents house and yard, and chatted them both up always.
    He and I hung out with his little nephews and neices at family events, and taught them cartooning/drawing etc.

    In this way his parents got to know me rather well. One day I dropped a deliberate hint to his Mom.
    She asked what I was going to for Bill's birthday while we were polishing floors at her house.
    Very casually I said, "Something romantic, I think." and asked for the mop.

    I looked up and she had this delighted expression on her face she tried hard to mask, lol!

    -Doug








  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 3:49 PM GMT
    Sure, but he has to be hot! (He has to be hot anyway.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 3:53 PM GMT
    It's too bad TheBizMan and teton didn't live closer. I'd send them on a date.

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 6:05 PM GMT
    My ex wasn't out at work or to his mom. It really sucked when they would have a christmas party etc at work or whatever and he brought one of his girl-friends or went alone instead of bringing his actual boyfriend. Now that I think about it, he didn't even want to hold my hand in public because he didn't want people "to talk." At certain points you just have to have the "BE A FUCKIN MAN" talk.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 6:10 PM GMT
    Nope. Tried it before and it was too much lying and sneaking around. Might be okay for some but not for me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 6:33 PM GMT
    If I knew in advance, I probably wouldn't get involved. It's hard to say.

    I came out in high school, to my entire circle of friends/family. I don't know if I'm interested in revisiting the coming out phase of life vicariously through my significant other.

    It's a hard process for anyone, and I don't encourage rushing it. I just don't know if I'd be up for the secrecy and emotions that go along with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 17, 2012 6:48 PM GMT
    DAVID_HALL saidMy ex wasn't out at work or to his mom. It really sucked when they would have a christmas party etc at work or whatever and he brought one of his girl-friends or went alone instead of bringing his actual boyfriend. Now that I think about it, he didn't even want to hold my hand in public because he didn't want people "to talk." At certain points you just have to have the "BE A FUCKIN MAN" talk.


    Couldn't have said it any better.
    J