Coming Out to Crush at Work?

  • hoved

    Posts: 21

    Feb 19, 2012 2:08 PM GMT
    Hi all - I'm a long-time lurker, but could really use some gay dating advice...so here goes my first (super-long) post:

    Cutting right to the chase, here's my problem:
    I have a crush on a guy at work. And I can't shake the small but distinct feeling that he might possibly be gay. Or maybe I'm just deluding myself. In any case, not being one to just sit and agonize and speculate, I want to take action.
    My first thought was of course to think of a way to confirm whether or not he might be gay, without giving away the fact that I'm gay. But after some thinking, I felt doing so would be like forcing him out of the closet (assuming that he is gay to begin with, of course), even if it is to another gay person, and I guess I don't feel comfortable doing that.

    So! After some more thinking, I thought about maybe coming out to him. Not in an overwhelming "I love you, and hope you return my love" way, but in a casual way that lets him know that I'm gay. Just to give an example, if Hilary Clinton's recent human rights speech at the UN comes up, I might say something like "Yeah, as a gay man, the speech resonated really strongly with me." Or if we go drinking after work, and he asks me if I have a girlfriend, I might just say "Boyfriend for me, and no, still single." I want to let him know so that, on the off-chance that he is gay AND interested in me, he can feel comfortable taking things to the next level. If nothing happens after I tell him that, I'll figure he's either 1) Not gay or 2) Not interested. If that happens, well too bad, but at least I'll have done something about my feelings.

    Just FYI, my workplace isn't homophobic, and while I haven't known him for very long, I trust him enough to believe that he's not the type to go gossiping if it turns out he's not gay. Also, I accidentally found out that his favorite place to go dancing "because they let people dance on the tables" is a gay club, so I'm pretty confident he's not homophobic or repulsed by the idea of being around gay people (and if he is, good riddance, right?). Finally, I'll only be at my current job for about two more months since I'm heading to school in the Fall, so I'm not too concerned about things being unbearably awkward for the next eternity while we work in the same office.

    Basically, my question boils down to this: Is my plan to come out first a bad idea?
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    Feb 19, 2012 4:00 PM GMT
    Go with Option 2: casual self-reveal, and allow him to return the favor if he pleases.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2012 4:08 PM GMT
    You seem to have approached this from a logical, calm, and non-emotional prospective. Go for it.

    Just don't come back next week and start a new thread called 'WHY DONT YOU LOVE MEEEEEEE!!'

  • Feb 19, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    There are many ways to approach this. Keep in mind you can be deluding yourself and that he might just be the nice guy that's often considered gay. And if he is gay that doesn't mean he's interested in you the same way. The best solution is to let it play out naturally.
  • hoved

    Posts: 21

    Feb 19, 2012 4:23 PM GMT
    somnia saidYou seem to have approached this from a logical, calm, and non-emotional prospective. Go for it.

    Just don't come back next week and start a new thread called 'WHY DONT YOU LOVE MEEEEEEE!!'


    lol, i make no promises icon_wink.gif

    jk, it's just a crush, so if it works out, great, if not, oh well icon_smile.gif

  • hoved

    Posts: 21

    Feb 19, 2012 4:24 PM GMT
    silverblaze999 saidThere are many ways to approach this. Keep in mind you can be deluding yourself and that he might just be the nice guy that's often considered gay. And if he is gay that doesn't mean he's interested in you the same way. The best solution is to let it play out naturally.


    Yeah, I'm definitely aware that he might not be gay, and that even if he is, he might not be interested. Which is why I thought I'd just casually let it slip that I'm gay - afterwards the ball will be in his court. He can take it or leave it.
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    Feb 19, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
    You can let him know your intentions without saying you're gay. For instance, there is a guy at my office who, every time he sees me, runs up and starts touching me in a borderline sexual way. He's letting me know he's gay (I know!), and I politely pull away b/c he's not my type. Without saying it, we've all made our intentions clear. I now run from him.
  • hoved

    Posts: 21

    Feb 19, 2012 4:28 PM GMT
    huhwhat saidYou can let him know your intentions without saying you're gay. For instance, there is a guy at my office who, every time he sees me, runs up and starts touching me in a borderline sexual way. He's letting me know he's gay (I know!), and I politely pull away b/c he's not my type. Without saying it, we've all made our intentions clear. I now run from him.


    I don't know....would this be a good idea? I'm not desperate for him to "know my intentions." I'd rather let him know I'm gay in a more neutral, "it's part of who I am" way, and see how it goes from there, rather than giving him the impression that I want to jump his bones without even knowing whether he's gay or not.
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    Feb 19, 2012 4:35 PM GMT
    hoved said
    huhwhat saidYou can let him know your intentions without saying you're gay. For instance, there is a guy at my office who, every time he sees me, runs up and starts touching me in a borderline sexual way. He's letting me know he's gay (I know!), and I politely pull away b/c he's not my type. Without saying it, we've all made our intentions clear. I now run from him.


    I don't know....would this be a good idea? I'm not desperate for him to "know my intentions." I'd rather let him know I'm gay in a more neutral, "it's part of who I am" way, and see how it goes from there, rather than giving him the impression that I want to jump his bones without even knowing whether he's gay or not.


    Ask the dude out to lunch or drinks after work. Work him a little, not too much. What I mean is eye contact and the general energy of someone interested. If he likes you, he'll reciprocate, trust me. If not, then leave it all alone. You really have to be careful with messing around with guys from work. I wouldn't do anything to make things awkward. I had a female coworker once tell me in a drunken state that she'd like to 'jump my bones.' It was awkward for a long time.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 19, 2012 4:37 PM GMT
    Mixing your work and personal scene isn't wise, I don't care if your workplace
    is gay friendly or not..... I'd say the same to a straight couple. It certainly can be done, but it has its risks.

    If you do, I'd do it away from work. Not trying to be a downer, but think about both the positive and negatives of it all.
  • hoved

    Posts: 21

    Feb 19, 2012 4:42 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidMixing your work and personal scene isn't wise, I don't care if your workplace
    is gay friendly or not..... I'd say the same to a straight couple. It certainly can be done, but it has its risks.

    If you do, I'd do it away from work. Not trying to be a downer, but think about both the positive and negatives of it all.


    Yeah, one thing that concerns me is that it might be 'unprofessional' - I'm undecided whether I should just wait a bit until we're not officially colleagues, since I won't be at my job for too much longer.
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    Feb 19, 2012 4:47 PM GMT
    Keep this light and casual because even if he is gay, he might not be into you (remember this). Find an excuse to go by his desk near lunch one day and say "lunch plans?" and spontaneously invite him out to lunch. If he can't go, the next time you invite him, make it an email invite and invite a couple other mutual coworkers too so that it seems like just random lunch and isn't so obvious.

    Use the lunch and any other interactions to figure out what he likes to do and just try to build a friendship until you figure things out about each other. Emotions are fleeting and sometimes the guys you have a major crush on from a distance are guys who you'll fall out of crush on once you know them.
  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Feb 19, 2012 4:47 PM GMT
    I agree with kansan, do it in a setting away from the workplace.

    I don't think huhwhat's suggestion is always applicable. I know I'm socially awkward and bad at reading signs, so constant eye contact, general interest, touching me in a borderline sexual way (whatever that means) could be extremely confusing whether or not I'm interested, and could lead to much potential for misunderstandings. This could get really dicey especially since they work together. Since the OP appears to want to make things as clear as possible, I wouldn't recommend it. I think letting slip your sexuality in a casual way is a good idea. It clarifies some things, establishes a possible next step, and still preserves a peaceful and harmonious status quo if the guy isn't homophobic.
  • hoved

    Posts: 21

    Feb 19, 2012 4:52 PM GMT
    Brownale saidKeep this light and casual because even if he is gay, he might not be into you (remember this). Find an excuse to go by his desk near lunch one day and say "lunch plans?" and spontaneously invite him out to lunch. If he can't go, the next time you invite him, make it an email invite and invite a couple other mutual coworkers too so that it seems like just random lunch and isn't so obvious.

    Use the lunch and any other interactions to figure out what he likes to do and just try to build a friendship until you figure things out about each other. Emotions are fleeting and sometimes the guys you have a major crush on from a distance are guys who you'll fall out of crush on once you know them.


    I actually already did the whole lunch thing, when the rest of our teams were all away, and I'd like to think we had good interaction. But yeah, building a friendship sounds good - hopefully, it won't seem too random if I come out then.
  • hoved

    Posts: 21

    Feb 19, 2012 4:52 PM GMT
    hartfan saidI agree with kansan, do it in a setting away from the workplace.

    I don't think huhwhat's suggestion is always applicable. I know I'm socially awkward and bad at reading signs, so constant eye contact, general interest, touching me in a borderline sexual way (whatever that means) could be extremely confusing whether or not I'm interested, and could lead to much potential for misunderstandings. This could get really dicey especially since they work together. Since the OP appears to want to make things as clear as possible, I wouldn't recommend it. I think letting slip your sexuality in a casual way is a good idea. It clarifies some things, establishes a possible next step, and still preserves a peaceful and harmonious status quo if the guy isn't homophobic.


    I would never tell while we were at work lol I'd invite him out for drinks or something.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Feb 19, 2012 4:59 PM GMT
    Why don't you wait until after you're done with the job? It's only "two more months." Is the school you're going to in the fall distant from where you are now? If so, why bother? That would be a lot of work and possible risk for just a fling.
  • hoved

    Posts: 21

    Feb 19, 2012 5:02 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidWhy don't you wait until after you're done with the job? It's only "two more months." Is the school you're going to in the fall distant from where you are now? If so, why bother? That would be a lot of work and possible risk for just a fling.


    I'm still debating on the 'waiting after the job is done' part - you have valid point there. And while my school is far away, I haven't liked someone in a long time, and I'd like to feel that I at least did something about it, you know?
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    Feb 19, 2012 8:38 PM GMT
    He's gay.. he dances at gay clubs... the % of straight guys who do that are in the single digits
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    Feb 19, 2012 8:42 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidMixing your work and personal scene isn't wise, I don't care if your workplace
    is gay friendly or not..... I'd say the same to a straight couple. It certainly can be done, but it has its risks.

    If you do, I'd do it away from work. Not trying to be a downer, but think about both the positive and negatives of it all.


    I agree. Well said HndsmKansan icon_biggrin.gif
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Feb 19, 2012 8:48 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidWhy don't you wait until after you're done with the job? It's only "two more months." Is the school you're going to in the fall distant from where you are now? If so, why bother? That would be a lot of work and possible risk for just a fling.


    Yea, I'd wait until the last week of work. You can invite him out for drinks then. It sounds like you're prepared for either response. If he is gay, but still not completely comfortable with people at work knowing, he might not want to reveal anything with you still there. Knowing that you're leaving soon, he might be more apt to open up...especially if he's got a thing for you too.
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    Feb 19, 2012 8:50 PM GMT
    Just do it. It might be good for you. There's nothing wrong with mixing personal with professional as long as you know you and the other person are mature enough to handle it.
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    Feb 19, 2012 9:02 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidfishing off the company pier is always a bad idea, imo. icon_sad.gif I'd also do the "reveal" away from work....and even if he's gay, he may find the idea of dating a coworker to be a bad one (so awkward when the inevitable breakup comes.)


    I sort of agree with my friend YN2000 here, but I also know a lot of friends who met and got married while working at the same place. I would make sure there is not company policy that might be violated first - especially if you won't be working together much longer.

    Then, without trying to date, you might try to get to know him in a casual social setting first. I might try showing up at said dance club. Take some friends with you so it's not like your stalking him and if you happen to bump into him ask him to join you. It is a public place.

    Once the job ends, then you can explore if you want to take it further...
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Feb 19, 2012 9:02 PM GMT
    hoved saidI accidentally found out that his favorite place to go dancing "because they let people dance on the tables" is a gay club, so I'm pretty confident he's not homophobic or repulsed by the idea of being around gays


    You "accidentally" found this out? Hmmmmm....then why don't you just "accidentally" ask him to join you on top of one of the tables at said gay bar? icon_lol.gif
  • HollywoodHist...

    Posts: 403

    Feb 19, 2012 9:05 PM GMT
    hartfan saidI agree with kansan, do it in a setting away from the workplace.

    I don't think huhwhat's suggestion is always applicable. I know I'm socially awkward and bad at reading signs, so constant eye contact, general interest, touching me in a borderline sexual way (whatever that means) could be extremely confusing whether or not I'm interested, and could lead to much potential for misunderstandings. This could get really dicey especially since they work together. Since the OP appears to want to make things as clear as possible, I wouldn't recommend it. I think letting slip your sexuality in a casual way is a good idea. It clarifies some things, establishes a possible next step, and still preserves a peaceful and harmonious status quo if the guy isn't homophobic.


    Very true! In this past years summer stock there was a kid that was hanging all over me and totally flirting it up. But he had told me he was straight - he was probably curious. Besides he was only 17 so I had to politely tell him to knock it off because I didn't want other cast members to get the wrong idea. I'm out but I didn't want them to think I was a criminal! lol. Point is, flirtation isn't always what it appears to be and can be hard to read. If he has any doubt and is at all closeted it may not be enough for him to feel comfortable with you.
  • HollywoodHist...

    Posts: 403

    Feb 19, 2012 9:10 PM GMT
    sdgman saidHe's gay.. he dances at gay clubs... the % of straight guys who do that are in the single digits


    Good point! Maybe he was thinking the same thing and was putting out the hint with this. But now, if he hasn't heard anything, he might have moved on.