Question about a "str8" partner.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 3:02 AM GMT
    Back-History: I met a straight guy,and I don't mean that sparingly. I'm the first guy he has done A LOT of things with, like kiss and cuddle during a movie. once was engaged to be married with a young child, but that ended tragically. We knew each other for 1 yr and after a drunken night ended up hooking up and didn't speak for a while. One day we started partying again together and ended up having full blown sex. Afterwards the sex increased, along with the feelings. We spent every day and night together. We started a business together, moved in together, and have a puppy together in our new life. We have joint accounts and even co-own cars. But after 1 year together I'm starting to have concerns.

    1) We have never declared ourselves a couple. He mentioned wanting to hook up with girls but shrugs it off when I say no. But a girl has been wanting to hang out with him lately and I'm concerned even though he turns her down.

    2) He tries to control me. Gets irritated when I don't want to do what he wants, even small stuff.

    3) And I swear to God he has no idea how I am feeling or when I need something for peace of mind even though he has known me for 2 years, living together one.

    4) Our sex life is dying and I'm not sure why. The last time I initiated, he rejected me, and so I stopped initiating. He now makes a lot of sex jokes and comments, and I often catch him watching me when he thinks I'm not looking. But I don't want to push him with sex. He could have a rash, or he could be losing interest?

    Despite the 4 things above, he is a dream come true, and I want to solve these problems. I can deal with number 2, and I can talk to him about 3 and 4, if I just knew 1.

    He has never called me his boyfriend. I stopped sleeping in the same bed as him over a week ago because I can't bear the uncertainty. I always want to cuddle with, but I don't want to push him away. He told me it hurt him, but that's all he said, and he was drunk. He has mentioned the "L" word, but we were both drunk and had just made up from an argument.

    So how do I address these issues without losing him. He seems like the type of guy that would run if I ever mentioned to him sober that I love, want, and need him.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 3:48 AM GMT
    I think the problem is communication here. You guys haven't even discussed if you are a couple or not. Talk about your expectations for this relationship and talk about his expectations and be prepared to have a thick skin on what might come out.


    It appears to me that you guys haven't found your comfort zone or have taken this relationship as a compromise to avoid being alone.


    Also, I must add that sexual orientation is a much wider thing than just being gay, bi or straight.

  • Feb 20, 2012 5:13 AM GMT
    Your relationship lacks definition. Should it be called a relationship? Assuming he still considers himself "straight", the reason for his need to control you stems from his insecurities about admitting to himself that he's actually with another guy and not a woman. Men domineer their women, if he's a top he sees you no different than a woman. He's afraid of caring about your feelings because he's still uncertain of his own. Your "relationship" initiated from sex and the feelings came after, BIG no no. So basically your relationship needs base and clarity. If he loves you, he won't be that easily ran off. Hope this helps.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 5:52 AM GMT
    " I met a straight guy,and I don't mean that sparingly."

    But everything you said after this indicates he's Bi on at least the 80% gay 20% straight end of the spectrum.

    curious,

    -Doug


    PS I think both of you need to have conversations, about how you feel and how he feels, when not drinking.




  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 9:49 AM GMT
    I agree with the above advice. Sit him down put it all on the table tell him the things that concern you and be prepared for what he has to say.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 11:10 AM GMT
    meninlove said " I met a straight guy,and I don't mean that sparingly."

    But everything you said after this indicates he's Bi on at least the 80% gay 20% straight end of the spectrum.

    curious,

    -Doug


    PS I think both of you need to have conversations, about how you feel and how he feels, when not drinking.






    Giggles 80% gay and 20% straight; icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 11:29 AM GMT
    Martkell2007 said ...He could have a rash ...


    icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 12:09 PM GMT
    Martkell2007 saidhe is a dream come true



    You might think so. I think you deserve more than what you're getting.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 1:05 PM GMT
    They all start off as dreams then quickly turn into a nightmare.

    You need to sit down and talk with this guy and figure out if he's "coming" or "going" because he doesn't seem too sure about himself and neither of you know where you are in this "relationship".

    Also he's not straight so you shouldn't call him that.
  • PureElemental

    Posts: 1

    Feb 20, 2012 1:30 PM GMT
    All of the guys gave you some great initial advice, good jump-offs to make some movement in a situation that's become stagnant...before I jump on the band wagon, what did you end up doing?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 1:58 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidFirst off, is he honest about himself (at least as "bi") or does he still pretend to you and others that he is straight? If, after a year, a puppy, joint bank accounts and co-owned property, he still considers himself "str8", then I think you have good reason to be concerned.


    He's definitely bi, not homo or hetero. As for your relationships classification, does it really matter what it's called? From the looks of it, you've moved well beyond the initial level of any relationship.

    Also, about it's duration, it's a question of how much you care for him. If, despite how much you love him and show him you love him, his feelings for you fade or he desires the affections of another, do you love him enough to let him go?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 2:03 PM GMT
    You guys are all right, I guess I just need the balls to confront him. But if he really wanted more than this inbetween friendship, wouldn't he have told me? Someone who is so controlling would bunker me into a relationship right?

    I spend my days looking for signs from him and weighing them as signs of a friend or lover, and I never figure it out. I've seen so many people destroy what they have because they are too impatient for answers and I don't want that. Is there no way to figure out what he wants without freaking him out or making it awkward.

    What are some casual low-key things you guys do to let a guy know you are interested in him as more than just a friend.

    And yes, he is no where near honest with himself. He still sceams straight, which can create some really awkward moments. Example: When it came on television about the conservative mayor being outed, he thought it was funny. He has also said things like "gay porn is disgusting' and I'm like "WTF?"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 2:07 PM GMT
    Well as others have stated already, your partner isn't straight. Sounds like he had gay tendencies and you just helped him over the fence.

    Drop off in sexual activity and talk of going outside the relationship for sex after just 1 yr together seems like a big red flag. You definitely need to talk that one through and turn it around. Cause at 1 yr you would hope the relationship was growing in intimacy not declining. I noticed you list yourself as single and looking to date or be in a relationship. You also have a fairly detailed list of what you're looking for for in a partner. Makes me wonder if a part of you has given up on your current relationship. Are you sure you are up to fighting to save your current relationship?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 2:20 PM GMT
    He's not straight.

    You're delusional.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 4:09 PM GMT
    TriAthInCA saidWell as others have stated already, your partner isn't straight. Sounds like he had gay tendencies and you just helped him over the fence.

    Drop off in sexual activity and talk of going outside the relationship for sex after just 1 yr together seems like a big red flag. You definitely need to talk that one through and turn it around. Cause at 1 yr you would hope the relationship was growing in intimacy not declining. I noticed you list yourself as single and looking to date or be in a relationship. You also have a fairly detailed list of what you're looking for for in a partner. Makes me wonder if a part of you has given up on your current relationship. Are you sure you are up to fighting to save your current relationship?


    You mean bi tendencies because, as we all know, sexuality isn't a binary hetero or homo.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 20, 2012 4:11 PM GMT
    st8 partnericon_neutral.gif interesting.
  • biagra

    Posts: 9

    Feb 20, 2012 4:15 PM GMT
    Mart he's bi just like me.

    STRAIGHT NEVERRRRRRRRR!!
  • biagra

    Posts: 9

    Feb 20, 2012 4:15 PM GMT
    Get rid of him he was using you simple as.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 22, 2012 5:25 PM GMT
    So yesterday morning we got in argument over something petty - the effectiveness of a feminine emperor in ancient China - he argued that a fem guy could not effectively rule and I argued against him. He then said something I thought was incredibly misinformed - that China was a communist government hundreds to about a thousand years ago. So when I grabbed a history book on that one we he yelled obscenities at me and I didn't talk to him.

    THIS morning I got mad at him because he could not remember my middle name or birthday. He got mad at me for not just telling him!

    And every argument ends the same. I stop talking to him. He acts like an angel until finally I warm up to him (I forgive my loved ones easily. It is the way to a less stressful life.) And then at night he clearly wants some sort of intimacy, but we've become trapped in a vicious cycle that's turning me off.

    To anyone who thinks that there is ever a such thing as a perfect relationship, beware! We have no money problems, no one is cheating, and we still love each other's company, but we still have these nagging petty arguments. I just don't get it. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 22, 2012 5:41 PM GMT
    Martkell2007 saidSo yesterday morning we got in argument over something petty - the effectiveness of a feminine emperor in ancient China - he argued that a fem guy could not effectively rule and I argued against him. He then said something I thought was incredibly misinformed - that China was a communist government hundreds to about a thousand years ago. So when I grabbed a history book on that one we he yelled obscenities at me and I didn't talk to him.

    THIS morning I got mad at him because he could not remember my middle name or birthday. He got mad at me for not just telling him!

    And every argument ends the same. I stop talking to him. He acts like an angel until finally I warm up to him (I forgive my loved ones easily. It is the way to a less stressful life.) And then at night he clearly wants some sort of intimacy, but we've become trapped in a vicious cycle that's turning me off.

    To anyone who thinks that there is ever a such thing as a perfect relationship, beware! We have no money problems, no one is cheating, and we still love each other's company, but we still have these nagging petty arguments. I just don't get it. icon_sad.gif


    He doesn't sound happy at all. You have these problems because one of you isn't being remotely honest with himself. He sounds like a bit of a mess from what you describe (no offense intended). Read your posts again and ask yourself, if I was giving someone advice about the situation, what would it be?

    Your "partner" can't accept himself and it sounds like he has some deep-rooted issues, self-loathing, homophobia, etc. He also sounds very stressed. Anyone who flies off the handle and shouts obscenities at his partner over a disagreement about ancient Chinese governments is not in a good place mentally. Have you ever felt trapped, so you lash out? Because you can't express what it is you really want.

    I don't think there's much YOU can do about any of these things. You can continue to put up with his behavior, always forgive and forget, downplay your needs (the need to have your relationship recognized and validated by your partner!!!) and invest energy into a relationship that will ultimately fail, or you can demand that he sort himself out, get professional help, and deal with his sh*t. That's the only way this might work.

    Something tells me that as long as you forgive and forget when he acts poorly, nothing will change. You've accepted yourself. He has not. Frankly, this is why I stay FAR away from the "straight" ones, the ones who are just coming out, the ones who are questioning, etc. Nothing against them personally, but they're in no position to forge a successful relationship, especially with someone who is out, open, and accepting of himself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 22, 2012 5:52 PM GMT
    ^ I have felt like he was trapped. But I wasn't sure what he felt trapped by so I have thrown several hints in the air that if he really wants to sleep with a woman and go out and live the str8 life, he has my permission. I even moved out of the same bed as him thinking it was me.

    And my answer to my own questions has always been to distance myself more and more and seek out a new relationship. But when I try to do that, my own heart holds me back, so I'm trying to fix this problem before it derails our whole partnership.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 22, 2012 5:55 PM GMT
    There is certainly alot of passive behavior and power-playing going on here.
    In addition, both of you are only thinking about your own feelings, and could care less how the other is feeling. If this continues, then just walk away now.

    And, as another said, the relationship has no definition. How can you ask the question, "What are some casual low-key things you guys do to let a guy know you are interested in him as more than just a friend", when you were sleeping in the same bed, having sex, co-own cars, have joint checking account.

    So many other things to point out, but no time.

    Bottom line: this "relationship" is an utter mess from both sides. The OP is just as responsible as the partner for it's total dysfunction.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 22, 2012 6:04 PM GMT
    Martkell2007 said^ I have felt like he was trapped. But I wasn't sure what he felt trapped by so I have thrown several hints in the air that if he really wants to sleep with a woman and go out and live the str8 life, he has my permission. I even moved out of the same bed as him thinking it was me.

    And my answer to my own questions has always been to distance myself more and more and seek out a new relationship. But when I try to do that, my own heart holds me back, so I'm trying to fix this problem before it derails our whole partnership.


    Tough situation. He's trapped by his own choices and his unwillingness to truly look in the mirror and accept himself. I don't think it has anything to do with his supposed interest in women, nor a desire to live a straight life. A truly straight guy wouldn't have gotten himself into this situation in the first place. He might have hooked up with you, experimented with you, etc, but there's no way he would have started a business, moved in, gotten a dog, etc. Your partner isn't straight. He's deeply unhappy with himself. That's why he lashes out. That's why he feels trapped. It has nothing to do with you.

    Moving into another bedroom isn't the answer. I think you need to sit him down and be blunt. Either he wants this relationship to work and he's willing to put in the effort to make that happen (therapy, acknowledging that you are his boyfriend, partner, whatever you want to call it), or you need to move out and move on with your life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 22, 2012 6:08 PM GMT
    ^^ Agrees ^^

    OP, just take what you've learned from this and move on. You can't help your BF unless he wants the help. He's gonna have to do that himself first. He has some deep seeded issues that he needs to come to grips with and find answers to on his own. One of them being him figuring out who he is and what he wants from himself and from a partner in a relationship. He's at crossroads with himself and he's including you in his own troubles.

    He's not entirely at fault here but at least you know who you are and are willing to make this relationship work. I say break up with him and give him his space and let him figure some things out. You guys can maybe friends but as far as having a healthy relationship goes I just don't see it being beneficial for either of you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 22, 2012 6:13 PM GMT
    TahoeAthlete said
    Martkell2007 said^ I have felt like he was trapped. But I wasn't sure what he felt trapped by so I have thrown several hints in the air that if he really wants to sleep with a woman and go out and live the str8 life, he has my permission. I even moved out of the same bed as him thinking it was me.

    And my answer to my own questions has always been to distance myself more and more and seek out a new relationship. But when I try to do that, my own heart holds me back, so I'm trying to fix this problem before it derails our whole partnership.


    Tough situation. He's trapped by his own choices and his unwillingness to truly look in the mirror and accept himself. I don't think it has anything to do with his supposed interest in women, nor a desire to live a straight life. A truly straight guy wouldn't have gotten himself into this situation in the first place. He might have hooked up with you, experimented with you, etc, but there's no way he would have started a business, moved in, gotten a dog, etc. Your partner isn't straight. He's deeply unhappy with himself. That's why he lashes out. That's why he feels trapped. It has nothing to do with you.

    Moving into another bedroom isn't the answer. I think you need to sit him down and be blunt. Either he wants this relationship to work and he's willing to put in the effort to make that happen (therapy, acknowledging that you are his boyfriend, partner, whatever you want to call it), or you need to move out and move on with your life.



    Those words rang with clarity. You're right, I just have to get the balls to have the talk. Thanks!