I'm new to being gay and could really use some help...

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    Feb 20, 2012 6:28 AM GMT
    Hi everyone. I am currently 19 years old and have come to the shocking realization that I was gay a couple of weeks ago. At first it made me depressed, but now I am very proud of it and excited to see where my life is going. Nobody would ever expect I was gay because I do not fit the stereotype but I will never let anyone know for a long time. I live in a small southern town and well... I'll let you fill in the blanks.

    However, something odd I have discovered is that I am attracted to MUCH older men. I'm not joking when I mean much older. Anywhere from 30's to 50's I've been attracted to and I can't help it. I hate that I function this way and wonder if it's some psychological issue. I've often been told that I act like I have the wisdom of an old man but stuck in a child's body haha. Perhaps I am an "old soul" but it's still odd I'm attracted to men so much older. Could anyone please give me their insight on this issue and any other topics about "being gay." I am still confused on so many different levels

    Much love, Josh
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    Feb 20, 2012 7:12 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidBeing from a small town, my guess is that in your family life you are use to and more comfortable hanging out with and conversing with the older members of the family. They make you feel safe, they are kind and they are usually right when they impart their wisdom. Though older people are kind you need to learn to relate with your own age group or you are going to miss out on a whole lot of life in the end.


    Actually I am not close with my family at all, especially any one that is older than me. I've always grown up learning things on my own and have just overcome being homeless for the past year. It's when I was able to pull myself back on my feet that I realized who I really was.

    I can't say that you're wrong about me "missing out on a whole lot of life" when it comes to older vs. younger relationships, but I certanily think it could put things in perspective for myself, personally. Being with someone who is more comfortable in their skin could help me become more comfortable in mine. I would be lying if I said I am completely comfortable being gay. I've grown up my whole life with people telling me it's wrong and I've never bought it. But for me to actually be gay is just something new all on it's own haha

    AMoonHawk saidBThough older people are kind you need to learn to relate with your own age group or you are going to miss out on a whole lot of life in the end.


    To be honest I don't think I have a choice. Just like being gay isn't a choice, I can't choose what age group I am attracted to. I feel absolutely no physical or emotional affection to anyone around my age group. It makes me upset and I feel like something is wrong with me, but that's how it is and I'll have to come to terms with it one day or another.
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    Feb 20, 2012 12:15 PM GMT
    The guys above already gave some good advice, so let me just say, Welcome To The Club! icon_cool.gif
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    Feb 20, 2012 1:10 PM GMT
    Ditto Josh, WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

    You're gonna love it. Most of the time. icon_smile.gif

    You sound like a smart kid, just keep your wits about you and think before you jump and it'll all be fine. And if older guys float your boat there is nothing wrong with that. I can tell you it's funny, but the older I get, the younger the guys I get coming on to me, it's a very interesting phenomenon. I'm flattered, and if a guy is hot or nice or interests me, I'm happy to get to know him a little, or a lot.

    Best of luck to you Josh!

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    Feb 20, 2012 1:49 PM GMT
    you sound like me... when i was you age
    my only real love was much older than me ... i was 27 he was 46
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    Feb 20, 2012 1:51 PM GMT
    I think its a young mans thing, I used to freak out when i was 18/19 after being with a 35 year old, now that I'm 24 I dont think its a huge deal and not even that much older than myself.
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    Feb 20, 2012 1:54 PM GMT
    congrats. Ohh and there's nuthin wrong with thinking older guys are hot. I feel the same way. Love the older guys. I love guys regardless of age. Hope that makes you feel better.
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    Feb 20, 2012 2:04 PM GMT
    Josh_White saidHi everyone. I am currently 19 years old and have come to the shocking realization that I was gay a couple of weeks ago.

    Welcome, Josh. I also went through a very brief period of depression when I realized my orientation, because, after all, parts of our society do their best to demonize being gay.

    But then I thought to myself - I know who I am, basically a good guy, I'm not evil and awful, and I'm the same guy now as I was before I realized I was always gay. Therefore, if I'm gay then being gay can't be as wicked as I've been told.

    Not only did I begin to feel good about my orientation, but I lost the disdain for gays I'd learned in the Army, where associating with them could have ended my career. (Never hatred nor hostility, however, as some guys here wrongly assume just because I was an Officer)

    As for your interest in older guys, that's not uncommon in our community, and you don't need to have a reason for it. If you do want to analyze it, an answer as good as any is that you're subconsciously seeking stability & security. Not surprising if you've recently been homeless at your age, and you might not think guys your own age have much to offer you in terms of support, both physical & emotional.

    Plus an older gay guy is more likely comfortable with who he is, free of teenage angst about doubting his orientation, and understanding better how the whole thing "works." So yeah, an older guy could be the better deal for you right now.

    But beware of exploitation, some guys tend to be predators, don't let yourself be used, and doing things you don't want. Above all sex must be safe, and if you don't know all about that yet then surf the Internet and learn. No anal sex until YOU'RE ready, and then always, ALWAYS with a condom, no matter what the other guy tells you.

    Best of luck to you!
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    Feb 20, 2012 2:19 PM GMT
    You've been gay for 19 years.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 20, 2012 2:22 PM GMT
    so you have a daddy thing, what's the big deal?
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    Feb 20, 2012 2:24 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidHey Josh. Congrats on your epiphany, and good for you for discovering RJ so quickly. Welcome. This can be a great resource to see inside this community. You can get the wisdom of a lot of guys who have taken this well-trodden road ahead of you, and the world-wide distance factor seems to quell the creepiness of many other gay sites, lol. That said, pick and choose from the advice you read here...many guys have different motivations for replying, but most of us have good intentions, like amoonhawk. :-)

    Regarding your interest, it's great that you've identified it, but at this point, it is just an interest. Just like "going to Disneyland" is one thing when you're imagining it, but when you get there it's great, but it's a lot of lines and very expensive...most people are happy they went, but once was enough, hahaha. icon_biggrin.gif So maybe at the moment a bunch of nebulous desires are all wrapped up in a fantasy image/experience, but reality is another thing. --I'm not saying don't explore it, but go in eyes-open.

    If you do explore this (and you're an adult...this is your life --go live it!), remember some basic realities: aside from dodging assholes, users/manipulators, soul-suckers, and the rest of the crap that everyone ---no matter what their orientation or preference is--- has to deal with, there is a fair amount of STDs in our community. And the odds of exposure increase with years lived. So, if you're dating 30-50yos, you need to get on track with that thought right effin' now! icon_exclaim.gif This isn't just the obvious: play safe, wear a condom; make sure (with your eyes) that he puts one on...it's also having the maturity---and the balls--to have the conversation FIRST, before the first sword-fight happens. icon_lol.gif Don't assume because he isn't telling you (he's got herpes or HIV or HPV or Hep --why do all the bad things start with 'H'?) that he's clean...you need to ASK. You're not "putting him out" or "putting him on the spot" --the first rule of our community is responsible partners have this conversation before they play...irresponsible partners avoid it. And no matter what he says, you always use protection (and remember that condoms don't protect against everything.) You will be respected for being on "that" level...the "mature" guys you're looking for actually don't run into that as much as you might think, lol.

    So, when the time is right (and you've got lots of time, btw...don't rush into anything...make it special), pick whomever you like. Knowing the person fairly well can really help, because your brain is the biggest sex organ of all. And, first relationships aren't necessarily about finding your "soulmate", so you don't need to expect too much from it. And as the years pass, you'll likely be surprised how your interest in guys changes ---for some of us, quite dramatically. I can tell you, I have no interest in the guys who caught my eye when I was 19, lol ---I loved my time with them, but I still think "damn, what was I thinking!", lol. icon_biggrin.gif If your life gets better with the guy you're with, you're likely on a good track; if it gets worse, you need to acknowledge that too (as painful as that will be at times.)

    Bottomline, have fun; play safe; know yourself. icon_biggrin.gif Welcome to your new playground.



    AGREED

  • Feb 20, 2012 3:08 PM GMT
    You have daddy complex, the young guys don't entice you because they aren't mature enough to handle that wisdom you shed. There's nothing wrong with dating older men but it is still important to bond with kids your own age. You're new and fresh, older men are wise and clever...be careful...and move to the North
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    Feb 20, 2012 3:35 PM GMT
    NewguyJosh saidHi everyone. I am currently 19 years old and have come to the shocking realization that I was gay a couple of weeks ago. At first it made me depressed, but now I am very proud of it and excited to see where my life is going. Nobody would ever expect I was gay because I do not fit the stereotype but I will never let anyone know for a long time. I live in a small southern town and well... I'll let you fill in the blanks.

    However, something odd I have discovered is that I am attracted to MUCH older men. I'm not joking when I mean much older. Anywhere from 30's to 50's I've been attracted to and I can't help it. I hate that I function this way and wonder if it's some psychological issue. I've often been told that I act like I have the wisdom of an old man but stuck in a child's body haha. Perhaps I am an "old soul" but it's still odd I'm attracted to men so much older. Could anyone please give me their insight on this issue and any other topics about "being gay." I am still confused on so many different levels

    Much love, Josh


    That's quite an accomplishment going from shocking realization to depression to being proud all in just a couple of weeks. Congrats on that.
  • TheIStrat

    Posts: 777

    Feb 20, 2012 3:45 PM GMT
    Haaretz saidYou've been gay for 19 years.


    +1000
  • adamhawks

    Posts: 54

    Feb 20, 2012 3:53 PM GMT
    welcome!! its a good crowd here. you'll learn a lot, all you need to do is ask.
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    Feb 20, 2012 3:58 PM GMT
    So, there is another Josh on this site who likes older men? Welcome to the club. Maybe you should scroll through the many pages of my hotlist ;)
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    Feb 20, 2012 4:17 PM GMT
    Hey! Congrats on your realization. Just give it some time to percolate and contemplate the implications this may have on your personal life. You'll realize that not too much will change for you.

    Also, as far as being attracted to older men, I don't know one gay teen who didn't go through a "daddy phase" and then sort of stopped. Not to say older men aren't very attractive, but I remember when I was in college, all my gay friends and me were dating men around 40. Now, we're all with guys our own age.
  • mar0302

    Posts: 273

    Feb 20, 2012 9:20 PM GMT
    my last ex is 23.. I'm 40.. I think it can work, but depends on how you get along and communicate.. it also depends on if you want something long term or short term.. just be honest about what you want and nobody will get hurt.. I'm sure you'll have lots of opportunities to find the right guy for you.. welcome to the club!