Have You Been Used?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 02, 2008 2:10 PM GMT
    So for months this really hot sexy bartender was flirting and talking sexy with me.....telling me how different and unique I am, handsome, blah blah blah.

    But when it came to actually going out together......havin dinner or something, he would always say "I can't right now, how about next week. Next week would come, and there would be more laughs and joking...but still no official date.

    Free drinks kept on coming to me.....more compliments.......the guy went WAY out of his way to play me and spent so much time and energy trying to convince me he was sexualy/romantically interested.

    He was full of shit. A few strangers came up to me commenting on the obvious attention he was always giving me, and they said..."He's doing that for his own benefit....he is using you to further his own image as a great sexy bartender" etc.

    He knew exactly what to say......talked about spirituality, being good to people in general, and other "sensitive" topics.

    What a pathological liar he is. I complained to him about giving me mixed signals, but he laughed and said it was all in my mind.

    It really threw me for a loop, cause it made me think I was stupid and gullible and lack the ability to judge people....( I've been around the block).

    Now, I still see him...I sit far away from him.but he makes it a point to come all the way over to where i am sitting to rub my arm, smile and crap. I don't want to be sour grapes, so I sorta go along with it but not with enthusiasm. I'm sure he notices, but it only makes him more determined to engage me in some bullshit. I can't really express myself and put him in his place cause people will think I am drunk. He still wants to know when we can get together..duh.

    BTW......everybody loves him and thinks he is the best thing that was invented since sliced bread.

    Anyone out there get played like that before?
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    Jul 02, 2008 2:33 PM GMT
    Did you tip him more because of the compliments? Just trying to figure out what his motivation, if any, was.
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    Jul 02, 2008 2:48 PM GMT
    Um... its called being a bartender..keeping customers satisfied..
  • kerkyon

    Posts: 5

    Jul 02, 2008 2:48 PM GMT
    That somebody finds you interesting, engaging, and extraordinary doesn't always have to lead to a date. The question is, why do gay guys want to make it "romantic" or "sexual" whenever they connect with another guy? I had a great chemistry and connection with the guy who is now my best friend, and from the start I knew we would be friends; but at some point we had to address the fact that he kept wondering why we weren't boyfriends. Get to know the guy without stressing about when you're going to get him in the sack and you might find he has some engaging qualities (or not) besides his sexy looks.
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    Jul 02, 2008 2:52 PM GMT
    kerkyon saidThat somebody finds you interesting, engaging, and extraordinary doesn't always have to lead to a date. The question is, why do gay guys want to make it "romantic" or "sexual" whenever they connect with another guy? I had a great chemistry and connection with the guy who is now my best friend, and from the start I knew we would be friends; but at some point we had to address the fact that he kept wondering why we weren't boyfriends. Get to know the guy without stressing about when you're going to get him in the sack and you might find he has some engaging qualities (or not) besides his sexy looks.


    The bartender made a point of stressing that he was sexually/romantically interested. Initially, I was cool to the idea but he kept ratcheting up the shmooze and I thought well, maybe there is something there.

    believe me my friend.......i have scores of gay/straight friends that are considered hot but i have no interest other than plutonic.
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    Jul 02, 2008 2:53 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidUm... its called being a bartender..keeping customers satisfied..


    It's one thing to be a good bartender, it's another thing to be intentionally disrespectful and insincere with someone's emotions.
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    Jul 02, 2008 3:00 PM GMT
    Do what any other self respecting mean girl would do. Totally turn the tables, you need to be over confident and make him feel uncomfortable. After that start spreading rumors! Duh this is gay boy drama 101!
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    Jul 02, 2008 3:19 PM GMT
    KissingPro said

    A few strangers came up to me commenting on the obvious attention he was always giving me, and they said..."He's doing that for his own benefit....he is using you to further his own image as a great sexy bartender" etc.



    As someone who used to tend bar, I can agree with Alpha13.. part of the job (and it was made explicitly clear when I was hired) is flirting and being friendly to everyone.
    When people asked me out, I just laughed it off and kept it open, otherwise I would lose a customer and go home having worked for nothing. I never said yes or no after a few really bad experiences with having to reject some people who were way too forward. I never really understood why so many guys think it is appropriate to be so forward to someone who is WORKING. I was being PAID to discuss anything anyone wanted to discuss... no matter how much I was or wasn't into it. I wasn't being a "pathological liar" , I was doing my JOB. People come to a bar to relax and have a good time, not to get a lecture or pay somebody to ignore them and tell them how ridiculous they are. There is a reason guys get crushes on bartenders.... because we tell them what they want to hear and are always outgoing and friendly. There isn't any malice involved. Needless to say, I didn't make it more than a year because I was sick of guys thinking they could say or do anything just because I worked in a gay bar.
    It always seemed that the feelings would "deepen" after they had a couple drinks. You have to remember the bartender is sober and probably tired of dealing with assholes. Sometimes you hang out with the "nice" guy just to get a break from all the others who are becoming more and more aggressive with every drink.

    As for the line above... that doesn't make sense to me, but oh well. I am not really sure what he used you for.
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    Jul 02, 2008 3:28 PM GMT
    mnjock2003 said[quote][cite]KissingPro said[/cite]

    A few strangers came up to me commenting on the obvious attention he was always giving me, and they said..."He's doing that for his own benefit....he is using you to further his own image as a great sexy bartender" etc.



    As someone who used to tend bar, I can agree with Alpha13.. part of the job (and it was made explicitly clear when I was hired) is flirting and being friendly to everyone.
    When people asked me out, I just laughed it off and kept it open, otherwise I would lose a customer and go home having worked for nothing. I never said yes or no after a few really bad experiences with having to reject some people who were way too forward. I never really understood why so many guys think it is appropriate to be so forward to someone who is WORKING. I was being PAID to discuss anything anyone wanted to discuss... no matter how much I was or wasn't into it. I wasn't being a "pathological liar" , I was doing my JOB. People come to a bar to relax and have a good time, not to get a lecture or pay somebody to ignore them and tell them how ridiculous they are. There is a reason guys get crushes on bartenders.... because we tell them what they want to hear and are always outgoing and friendly. There isn't any malice involved. Needless to say, I didn't make it more than a year because I was sick of guys thinking they could say or do anything just because I worked in a gay bar.
    It always seemed that the feelings would "deepen" after they had a couple drinks. You have to remember the bartender is sober and probably tired of dealing with assholes. Sometimes you hang out with the "nice" guy just to get a break from all the others who are becoming more and more aggressive with every drink.

    As for the line above... that doesn't make sense to me, but oh well. I am not really sure what he used you for. [/quote]

    Everything you said makes perfect sense to me. I told him I realized he was WORKING and there was no need to practise his flirting job skills on me. After his repeated suggestions that we "spend the whole day in bed together" on his day off I insisted that we just be real, and if he wanted, JUST friends. He insisted, over and over again, that he was being real.


    I guess I'm just amwazed how good some people are at bullshitting, wheather it be part of their job or not. At the same bar, I am very freindly and joking and plutonically flirtatious with other bartenders who don't pull that shit and they still go home with a proper tip.

    BTW...this guy used to pour shots for me AND him at the same time.

    N
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    Jul 02, 2008 3:46 PM GMT
    danielryan saidDo what any other self respecting mean girl would do. Totally turn the tables, you need to be over confident and make him feel uncomfortable. After that start spreading rumors! Duh this is gay boy drama 101!



    LOL LOL Truthfully, I don't want to turn the tables on him. The situation is what it is, and i don't want to extend the drama or my involvment in it. Even if I did, I don't think it would matter to him, since he would prolly sense that I am "turning the tables" and be satisfied that he is still engaging me and.....well.....that's part of his job.

    Now I know.
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    Jul 02, 2008 3:50 PM GMT
    It could be a narcissism thing too. Some guys get off on knowing they have an effect on other people. It's attention seeking behaviour.
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    Jul 02, 2008 3:51 PM GMT
    KissingPro said[quote]
    BTW...this guy used to pour shots for me AND him at the same time.

    N


    ding ... ding... ding...
    There's your answer.
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    Jul 02, 2008 3:55 PM GMT
    He's a Bartender, simple as that!!!
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    Jul 02, 2008 3:57 PM GMT
    mnjock2003 said[quote][cite]KissingPro said[/cite][quote]
    BTW...this guy used to pour shots for me AND him at the same time.

    N


    ding ... ding... ding...
    There's your answer. [/quote]

    DING DING DING.......yeah right?
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    Jul 02, 2008 4:00 PM GMT
    a1972guy saidHe's a Bartender, simple as that!!!


    So........just like anyone else, they are not to be trusted until they deliver the goods.....right?
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    Jul 02, 2008 4:00 PM GMT
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    Jul 02, 2008 4:07 PM GMT
    obscenewish said


    Now I want to smack somebody.....maybe me.
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    Jul 02, 2008 4:13 PM GMT
    You've kept your distance and he still accosts you with arm rubs and hello? Next time he does that, pull away and give him the evil eye. If that doesn't work, verbalize it.

    Some whores can't stop even after the money does.
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    Jul 02, 2008 4:15 PM GMT
    KissingPro said[quote][

    So........just like anyone else, they are not to be trusted until they deliver the goods.....right?


    Or you trust yourself to be okay if nothing ever happens.
    Common sense takes you a lot further than trust ever will. Think the situation through and I think you will realize it is mostly just "gay drama", as Danielryan pointed out. Trusting him is the last thing you have to worry about at this point. He is a employee of a bar you frequent, not your boyfriend. You trust him to get you drinks and make you feel good, thats about all there is to it.

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    Jul 02, 2008 4:16 PM GMT
    kissingproNow I want to smack somebody.....maybe me.

    Aw we've ALL been there. I dated a beautiful sexy sociopathic bartender for six years.

    It could be worse.

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    Jul 02, 2008 4:17 PM GMT
    RunintheCity saidYou've kept your distance and he still accosts you with arm rubs and hello? Next time he does that, pull away and give him the evil eye. If that doesn't work, verbalize it.

    Some whores can't stop even after the money does.


    Yes, that has been the problem now, he won't stop. I usually open a tab with my credit card, and since I now plant my ass far away from him and use another bartender, I found out he told the other bartenders to give him my credit card so that he can take care of me instead.

    Some crazy shit yeah.

    As an italian guy, I can do the evil eye pretty damn well........the EVIL eye it is next time.


    How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." -- George Washington Carver
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    Jul 02, 2008 4:28 PM GMT
    NNJfitandbi saidLeave it to OW to bring out the film that introduced MD to the world in this context.


    At least you didn't end up like Herr Doktor Professor in that movie. These things do tend to happen to men of a certain age whose prowess is waning. What can be done about it?


    It's fine to play with the help, but a mistake to think they love you. Cf. H. Pinter, The Caretaker.


    Lucky I didn't end up like Herr Doktor..yep.. but "love him"?????....Nah..never was convinced of that, but I sure entertained the thought early on.

    Guess i was stupid.
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    Jul 02, 2008 4:30 PM GMT
    The song "Uninvited" by Alanis Morrisette come to mind.
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    Jul 02, 2008 5:01 PM GMT
    KissingPro said
    Yes, that has been the problem now, he won't stop. I usually open a tab with my credit card, and since I now plant my ass far away from him and use another bartender, I found out he told the other bartenders to give him my credit card so that he can take care of me instead.


    Well that should lead to a conversation with the manager about the misuse of your credit card. If his job is threatened perhaps he'll think twice.
  • 8jock8

    Posts: 25

    Jul 02, 2008 5:12 PM GMT
    Enjoy the free drinks buddy....