Fear in Dating

  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Feb 21, 2012 2:40 AM GMT
    Something that I've noticed as a pattern in the last few dating experiences have been guys who seem fearful of romance, of the potential relationship with me.

    What I mean by this is the continual restraint and termination of any sharing of emotion beyond the initial getting-to-know-you interaction. No chance of vulnerability, no exposure of one's soft underbelly, so to speak.

    It seems to happen so quickly, so suddenly. Like some kind of sessile marine organism, they seem to withdraw into themselves by some unseen stimulus, never to fully let themselves open up. It just seems like this arbitrary glass wall that they hit that suddenly shuts them down with no good reason (similar to the Hot and Cold thread symptoms, although of different origin)

    Now, I get that we've been hurt in romance before. Dating's scary shit. People are mean. Every little bit of surprised happiness comes with a sense of dread and disappointment when it doesn't pan out.

    But if you never allow yourself to pursue a relationship, if you never remove the armor that surrounds your emotions, if you aren't available emotionally, you are always going to lose. Sure, you may never get hurt, but you're never going to find romance either, right?

    "The roller coaster of romance is a wild ride of emotions. The best way to get through it is to throw your arms in the air and scream. If you never take a chance on growing feelings, you will forever be too short to ride the ride."

    If tl;dr - I'm growing frustrated with guys who have no real excuse not to take a chance on love (i.e. on me)
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    Feb 21, 2012 3:06 AM GMT
    dancedancekj saidIf tl;dr - I'm growing frustrated with guys who have no real excuse not to take a chance on love (i.e. on me)




    (hint: you tha girlz!)

    Dunno why guys are like this, never had the problem doing it myself.
  • kingofindy

    Posts: 4

    Feb 21, 2012 3:16 AM GMT
    I am afraid of abandonment. I def look at myself differently then other people do. I see my flaws. And one day I feel the person that I give my heart to may discover them to. My fear is I can potentially not be what they want. And I don't take rejection well after I have made myself vulnerable. I am def not a angry person. But I beat myself up for being so weak. BLAAAAA!. That is me openning up so maybe you will have a understanding of the guy on the otherside of the fence
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Feb 21, 2012 3:37 AM GMT
    kingofindy saidI am afraid of abandonment. I def look at myself differently then other people do. I see my flaws. And one day I feel the person that I give my heart to may discover them to. My fear is I can potentially not be what they want. And I don't take rejection well after I have made myself vulnerable. I am def not a angry person. But I beat myself up for being so weak. BLAAAAA!. That is me openning up so maybe you will have a understanding of the guy on the otherside of the fence


    Well, I sometimes just wish the guy on the other side of the fence realized how much that I liked them. If you never cross over, sure you'll never be hurt - but there's never a potential for anything awesome either. Isn't finding somebody special all about the risk, and the danger of having something intimate with another person?

    Thanks for your insight however. I have been there, but I guess I've come away with a different conclusion from my experiences.
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    Feb 21, 2012 3:44 AM GMT
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2161959
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    Feb 21, 2012 3:46 AM GMT
    dancedancekj, my feeling is that how you are is protecting that heart of yours. As frustrating as it sometimes is, this is a good thing.

    There are a fair number of boys in men's bodies. icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 21, 2012 3:48 AM GMT
    meninlove said dancedancekj, my feeling is that how you are is protecting that heart of yours. As frustrating as it sometimes is, this is a good thing.

    There are a fair number of boys in men's bodies. icon_wink.gif


    Truer words were never spoken, my friend.
  • Djmaxvayo

    Posts: 18

    Feb 21, 2012 3:51 AM GMT
    Great comments everyone! I have to echo some of what you say...guys can be really awful to each other at times. However, that's not true for all of us. I am proud to be emotionally open and available! I try to be nice, even if I am not interested.

    When people say dating is scary, I don't think they've really put it in perspective relative to some of the more traumatic events in life: relocation, loss, death, loss of a job, etc. By comparison, those are all much more frightening than dating. If you approach dating with fear, you won't open up, ever.

    The worst thing that can possibly happen is rejection...and I'm here to tell you I've been rejected hundreds of times. Sometimes it hurts, of course. But lately, honestly, I just look at it and think "well, you're not the right person for me then." The unfortunate thing is that we often reject each other way too quickly, without any sensitivity or compassion, without even trying to learn about the other person. That's the real loss.
  • kingofindy

    Posts: 4

    Feb 21, 2012 6:07 AM GMT
    dancedancekj said
    kingofindy saidI am afraid of abandonment. I def look at myself differently then other people do. I see my flaws. And one day I feel the person that I give my heart to may discover them to. My fear is I can potentially not be what they want. And I don't take rejection well after I have made myself vulnerable. I am def not a angry person. But I beat myself up for being so weak. BLAAAAA!. That is me openning up so maybe you will have a understanding of the guy on the otherside of the fence


    Well, I sometimes just wish the guy on the other side of the fence realized how much that I liked them. If you never cross over, sure you'll never be hurt - but there's never a potential for anything awesome either. Isn't finding somebody special all about the risk, and the danger of having something intimate with another person?

    Thanks for your insight however. I have been there, but I guess I've come away with a different conclusion from my experiences.


    I def agree with you buddy. Its something that me and many people like me will have to over come. I guess more then anything I am looking for a guy that I feel I can open up to like this and wont send him running for the hills.(a solid support system) hahahahahahaha. I feel like a girl saying that. But believe it or not. Forums like this is really therapeutic. and i think u for the post bro
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    Feb 21, 2012 6:18 AM GMT
    I'm constantly comparing myself to the guys I'm talking to making sure that I don't open up too soon. I've opened up so many times in the past, and a few of them have been in vain. I fear my vulnerability will be taken for granted again, leaving any and all that I've worked for in the relationship to waste. I'm tired of feeling useless, unwanted and inadequate. It feels as if nothing can be done for it, but I know I have to keep trying; though I feel crazy-insane for even going forward when I start talking to a guy. I want so much to have that give and take, but I can't given enough to take a chance. Not now; not ready.
  • fitartistsf

    Posts: 638

    Feb 21, 2012 6:31 AM GMT
    kingofindy saidI am afraid of abandonment. I def look at myself differently then other people do. I see my flaws. And one day I feel the person that I give my heart to may discover them to. My fear is I can potentially not be what they want. And I don't take rejection well after I have made myself vulnerable. I am def not a angry person. But I beat myself up for being so weak. BLAAAAA!. That is me openning up so maybe you will have a understanding of the guy on the otherside of the fence



    Ditto.... same here!
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    Feb 21, 2012 6:32 AM GMT
    know_wunder saidmaking sure that I don't open up too soon. I've opened up so many times in the past


    That's a good point. With some people, opening up too much too soon will drive the guy away. It just encourages a person to close their heart to match the other's.
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    Feb 21, 2012 1:23 PM GMT
    dancedancekj said It seems to happen so quickly, so suddenly. Like some kind of sessile marine organism, they seem to withdraw into themselves by some unseen stimulus, never to fully let themselves open up.

    The all-time best metaphor for gay dating fail.
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    Feb 21, 2012 1:43 PM GMT
    "The best way to get through it is to throw your arms in the air and scream. If you never take a chance on growing feelings, you will forever be too short to ride the ride."

    Sometimes a ride isn't worth getting on if you feel it won't do anything for you. Sometimes a ride looks good to ride but ends up being a nightmare. Those are the breaks and a hard fact to swallow.
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    Feb 21, 2012 2:08 PM GMT
    A couple of things Djmaxvayo said resonate with me.

    [quote] The worst thing that can possibly happen is rejection...and I'm here to tell you I've been rejected hundreds of times. [/quote]

    The precise formula of emotional attraction is a witch's brew of pheromones, childhood trauma, subsconsious fixations, real and imagined fears, pixie dust, and brute force sexual attraction. It's a calculus none of us can do in his head. I think for most, there are many more people who are not relationship potentials than who are. Just the nature of the perplexing, fickle beast. Can't force the feeling.

    My straight friends take 'rejection' in stride. For everyone one girl they get a date with they've probably talked to 10 or 15 others that didn't pan out. It's a numbers game even to get laid, it's expected, and it's not too traumatic for the average guy on an average night.

    I think it's harder for guys who are looking for another guy - at least I've found it to be. Since our overall potential number of mates is already massively reduced by the happenstance of being gay, rejection can feel less like an opportunity to find a better match and more like confirmation that you'll never find someone to love you. In actuality, there really are a lot of men out there who are attacted to other men... It can take more work to find them. Rejection is part of the normal process.

    [quote]
    When people say dating is scary, I don't think they've really put it in perspective relative to some of the more traumatic events in life: relocation, loss, death, loss of a job, etc. By comparison, those are all much more frightening than dating. If you approach dating with fear, you won't open up, ever.[/quote]

    This is pretty key to keeping perspective. Life can throw some punches that will really hit you in the gut. In that context, the trial and tribulations of dating are less scary.

    If you've got confidence in yourself, keep your chin up, and try not to fall too hard too quickly for men you don't yet know well, things will work out for you in the end. (I know, easier said than done.) icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 21, 2012 2:47 PM GMT
    dancedancekj saidNow, I get that we've been hurt in romance before. Dating's scary shit. People are mean. Every little bit of surprised happiness comes with a sense of dread and disappointment when it doesn't pan out.

    But if you never allow yourself to pursue a relationship, if you never remove the armor that surrounds your emotions, if you aren't available emotionally, you are always going to lose. Sure, you may never get hurt, but you're never going to find romance either, right?

    Absolutely right! The trick is to get the OTHER guy to understand what you already do about dating & relationships.

    In the meantime the best we ourselves can do is keep a positive attitude, to be upbeat and not beaten down by the experience. As others here have said, of course, easier said than done.

    I dunno, I tend to laugh about my many misadventures, whether in love or life in general. I always tell myself that a fiasco is a future story I can relate, and you guys know how I love to tell my anecdotes.

    It's one of my ways to lance the wound before it spreads, to make light of it to others, to mock it, to make fun of it (and usually me along with it for my foolishness). It's Harry Potter saying "Ridikulus!" to make the Boggart laughably harmless.

    Because I do know that if I give-up and run away the Boggart wins (or its bad-date counterpart). So that the bad dates I've endured became nothing more than funny stories I tell, that never scared me away from dating once more even as they taught me my mistakes, until I finally got it right and found lasting romance.
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    Feb 21, 2012 5:53 PM GMT
    SkinnyBitch said
    know_wunder saidmaking sure that I don't open up too soon. I've opened up so many times in the past

    That's a good point. With some people, opening up too much too soon will drive the guy away. It just encourages a person to close their heart to match the other's.

    Royal sucked having poured my soul out to swine* in the past. Now I just hand out samples. But as usual, some people like it, some don't, but some love it.
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    Feb 21, 2012 6:59 PM GMT
    dancedancekj saidIt just seems like this arbitrary glass wall that they hit that suddenly shuts them down with no good reason (similar to the Hot and Cold thread symptoms, although of different origin)


    It's probably not arbitrary. Most people have a terrific amount of romantic and sexual baggage. x2 for guys into same-sex partners. It's perfectly reasonable for the soul to guard itself against further damage. It just takes time. icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 21, 2012 7:19 PM GMT
    "The roller coaster of romance is a wild ride of emotions. The best way to get through it is to throw your arms in the air and scream. If you never take a chance on growing feelings, you will forever be too short to ride the ride."

    Reckless Abandon

    but quote from a good friend "some things are more important than feelings"
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    Feb 21, 2012 7:28 PM GMT
    TrojanAthlete said
    dancedancekj saidIt just seems like this arbitrary glass wall that they hit that suddenly shuts them down with no good reason (similar to the Hot and Cold thread symptoms, although of different origin)


    It's probably not arbitrary. Most people have a terrific amount of romantic and sexual baggage. x2 for guys into same-sex partners. It's perfectly reasonable for the soul to guard itself against further damage. It just takes time. icon_wink.gif


    A great thread.

    Suprisingly, no one has mentioned how tiring it becomes to be constantly in a cycle of introducing yourself to someone, getting to know them, investing in them and then it not working it out.

    For a lot of people, including myself, it's better to disconnect from that all together.

    It seems that the majority of guys are not emotional available, stable, sane or sober - so why bother?

    Love my friends, family, books, travel and hobbies.

    Maybe that will be enough...
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    Feb 22, 2012 3:45 AM GMT
    The getting-to-know-you phase can be a pretty big time investment if you're serious about it. I have a friend who dreads this phenomenon so much that he has stayed for years in unsatisfying relationships to avoid it.

    I think it's fun. Like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where you can follow every possible thread to the end if you're curious enough. Of course you have to read a few covers and maybe flip through a few pages before deciding if the story might be interesting enough to hook you. icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 22, 2012 4:02 AM GMT
    I find a lot of men enjoy drama and when its lacking they're more than happy to create their own. Move on if they can't keep their baggage in a closet. Life is too short to waste on nonsense. There are good guys out there.
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    Feb 22, 2012 5:17 AM GMT
    And here I thought I was a one date man and turns out there are a hundred others like me..icon_razz.gif

    Is it wrong of me to say that I find white guys more emotional distant than usual
  • XxXxXxAZNxXxX...

    Posts: 615

    Feb 22, 2012 5:24 AM GMT
    I totally agree
    but i also know what it's like being on the other side of that as well
    it just takes time and patience...
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    Feb 22, 2012 5:35 AM GMT
    tknbythesea said
    Suprisingly, no one has mentioned how tiring it becomes to be constantly in a cycle of introducing yourself to someone, getting to know them, investing in them and then it not working it out.

    For a lot of people, including myself, it's better to disconnect from that all together.


    I feel this way about all people in terms of making friends. I feel like I will only get a great friendship out of 1 in 40 people, so I either screen them as effectively as possible or don't bother. 20 investments failed before one works is not worth it to me.