the dilemma........ sex, lies & foreign holidays

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2012 10:29 AM GMT
    ok, so major dilemma

    basically i've been in a serious relationship with someone for some months now, we recently went on holiday and when he was out i went through his emails. I found a string talking to one of his ex partners about his HIV status and the fact he's positive, only he hasn't told me he's positive.......... When we first got together We had a talk and I gave him the chance to tell me he was but he didn't which is understandable but I sorta feel betrayed finding out this way. I'm worried for him as he's been unwell recently but i don't know how to bridge the subject.

    I feel lied to basically, betrayed and unsure whether i want to be in a relationship with him because of this ( the lies, not the fact he's positive). I also found an email from his ex husband in which his ex states my partner knowingly passed on the virus to him. I just don't know what to do!

  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Feb 21, 2012 1:36 PM GMT
    Get out of the relationship - he's got issues you don't really need.

    And in your next relationship don't invade your partner's privacy (no one ever found anything good going through someone else's emails or diary).

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    Feb 21, 2012 1:51 PM GMT
    Tell him about your fear of AIDS over lunch. Make a big deal out of it. If he doesn't fess up, go home.

    (Also he's an absolute shit for puting your life in danger.)
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    Feb 21, 2012 1:56 PM GMT
    Are you kidding me with this? It IS a big deal that he's positive and the fact that he hasn't told you yet. I'm sure you've had sex by now so that alone makes it an issue since you've been denied a choice.

    Go get tested and break it off with this dude. That's the kind of information you have a right to know before getting into a relationship with someone. In this case, him not saying anything to you about his status is just as bad as him lying to you. Omitting is a form of lying especially when given the chance to come clean when asked.

    Dude has issues and you shouldn't be stuck holding the bag. Leave and don't look back.
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    Feb 21, 2012 2:03 PM GMT
    Many examples of this kind of situation, reason why i am single, I can not trust anyone anymore. Sadly people lie and I totally agree go get tested and stay away, take a break, you may want to just have friends and forget the bf issue for a while.
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    Feb 21, 2012 2:17 PM GMT
    thanks guys! just packin my stuff to leave him as we speak.

    i know he's a lying cunt tbh, just didn't want to come across as callous on my first message. i remember the night i found out and i lay in bed next to him and felt sick to my stomach. we haven't had full sex as i was always weary of the fact he might have it as somebody told me before we got together he did but he denied.

    men, who fuckin needs then eh!

    thanks for your support

    will keep you up to date

    josh x
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Feb 21, 2012 2:58 PM GMT
    reason number 22 to always have protected sex.

    I hope you did!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2012 3:02 PM GMT
    well we never had full penetrative sex anyway, due to my trust thing
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2012 4:37 PM GMT
    i have heard it's a normal estate in some period of their life for those positive, they try to propagate the virus, don't accuse him, but MORE care about yourself!
    huh, i'm tired!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2012 4:50 PM GMT
    There seems to be a lack of communication on both sides. You don't mention whether or not you and he have had "the talk" about your respective sexual health situations. In fact, you don't even mention that you have discussed this situation at all since you're now in the know. Truth is, we are all responsible for our own sexual health. If someone being HIV+ is a genuine concern/deal breaker for you, then you should have brought it up. It doesn't sound as though he was pushing you to engage in any risky behaviour, and therefore was obviously not trying to expose you to anything. He may have been waiting for you both to be ready for actual intercourse (hopefully not just right before it happened) before discussing the matter with you. It may also be that, just as you were under the impression he was HIV-, that since you didn't bring it up over all this time that it was a non-issue for you, or that in fact you might actually be HIV+ yourself. Think of it this way, if it is difficult for you to talk to him about it, imagine how much harder it is for HIM to talk to you about it (as I can assume he genuinely cares for you by the amount of time you've been together). I'm not saying he handled things in the best way, I'm merely saying that he obviously had his reasons. It doesn't sound as though you've heard them yet.

    Furthermore, you don't indicate that you felt as though he was hiding something from you. You just say you went through his emails. That suggests you have serious trust issues with men. As such, you need to address this before pursuing ANY relationship. There is rarely justification for invading someone's privacy other than your own insecurity. Yes sometimes it does lead to some information you probably needed to know, but more often than not it shows a lack of trust and a disregard for personal boundaries.

    I hope you get some closure to all of this and both of you can move on in good health, physically, mentally and emotionally.