Should I stay or Should I go now? Stay nearby or try to hide myself?

  • NewDrew

    Posts: 24

    Jul 30, 2007 5:03 AM GMT
    After moving out from house with wife and kids. Stay living nearby that is or go into hiding out from town at the beach, would this benefit my 13 year old son? Will his friends tease him or will he be better off being open about it? How about me and business ties? Lastly my social conscious mother!

    Drew
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    Jul 30, 2007 2:35 PM GMT
    Um, you need to live your life for you...

    As for your kids, I don't have any - yet - so I don't really know what to say about that. Just don't shut them out of your life...

    Business wise, take it as it comes up, and how you feel appropriate at the time.

    Your mother? You are an adult, right? She will get over it. I love my mom to death, but if she as problems with your decisions, they are hers, not yours; and she needs to handle them.

    Perception is reality - live your life to the best of your abilities, be open and honest with people about your feelings and positions, and let the dust settle from there. Tomorrow is a new day, and so is the next day after that. So, if things didn't go so well yesterday, make the necessary changes today, to make tomorrow better.

    Good Luck!

    Oh, and having grown up on the Gulf in clw, you can NEVER go wrong on the beach! haha
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    Jul 30, 2007 3:40 PM GMT
    triguy01 offers some good advice.

    Having been through a similar experience almost five years ago, I have come to the (sometimes painful) understanding that kids take their cues from /you/. The more comfortable you are with who you are, the more accepting they will be. Kids are incredibly perceptive, and your non-verbals will say volumes. Counseling is also quite appropriate and helpful in these cases.

    By "social conscious," do you mean, "religious?" If so, that is also my situation. Although the church people have basically shunned me, they actually over-compensate by doing all kinds of nice stuff for my kids. As far as I know, my kids have never been teased because I am gay -- and I live in the Bible belt (as do you, I presume).

    Best wishes to you. Time works miracles.
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    Jul 30, 2007 3:48 PM GMT
    One of my bud's dad came out when he was in his teens. He brings it up all the time so I don't think he was traumatized by it. Socially the "bachelor" uncle has always been treated pretty well I think.You should be who u are but don't rent a billboard to advertise it.
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    Jul 30, 2007 4:10 PM GMT
    St. Pete is not exactly a small town - so things are going to get around.

    While I don't advocate running from things, you might consider whether your career could be furthered by moving to a bigger city where you can be yourself more comfortably.

    I do agree that it's important to stay a part of your son's life - so the impact of a move has to be factored into your visitation rights.

    You've waited a long time to live your life. Go for it...

    I moved away from Memphis to LA years ago, and never regretted it for a second.

    J.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Jul 30, 2007 5:45 PM GMT
    Well, my Dad wasn't gay, but he did move out when I was in late middle school, so I have a notion of part of what your son will be dealing with. A few general points:

    1) Divorces can actually be handled well, but a lot depends on the attitude of the adults involved. The week my Dad moved out was a tough one. Then I realized that my life was actually better with my parents no longer living in the same house. I saw more of my Dad after he left (1-2 evenings a week, Saturday afternoons, and he even came over for some holidays) than in the 6 months or so before he did. My house was no longer filled with tension and parents lying to me and saying everything was fine when everything was clearly not fine. But my parents continued to get along well enough to sit next to each other at school functions and not snipe at each other. Not all parents can manage that.

    2) If your son's classmates are going to tease him for having a gay dad, they'll do so whether or not you're physically close by. If anything, moving further away seems likely to make it a bigger scandal as people are left to imagine the sort of life you're now leading, rather than seeing you go through the normal everyday reality.

    3) Make sure your son knows that while there are limits on how he acts, whatever internal emotional reaction he has is acceptable. Maybe he'll be mad at your boyfriend. Maybe he'll wish you could have just remained in the closet, or been straight all along. Maybe he'll be hurt, maybe he'll be fine with it. Maybe he'll be scared about his family being different. Maybe he'll be sad that things aren't how they used to be. Maybe he'll be proud that his Dad was willing to face the truth even if it cost him a lot to do so. Maybe none of the above will apply. Any of these are fine. Just don't try to tell him how he should feel, and do let him know that you love him even if he's mad at you.

    4) As far as your socially conscious mother goes...what really matters is what's best for you and for your son, and I'd even say your ex wife comes higher in the priority list than your mother. Your divorce and orientation have nothing to do with her.

    The fact that you're trying to figure out what to do is a good sign. But you're the one who has to make the decisions here. Bottom line, weighs the likely pros and cons, pick what course of action you think is most beneficial to you and your son, accept the possibility that you might have picked wrong but you did the best you could, and just move forward from there.
  • NewDrew

    Posts: 24

    Jul 31, 2007 6:06 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone for your imput. It's helpful to hear from people who have been through it. We have all sorts of councelors, one for me and me and my wife. We'd probably use the couples therapist for the kids if necessary. Anyhow, I'm probably leaning towards going to the beach or at least a house with a private pool that has some shade (fair skinned). I expect that it will get around....and I'll just treat it as part of life and not a big deal. The kids could emerge better and stronger as a result of all this!

    My mother has been throuh tough times growing up herself but is, I hope, open minded. It's not a religious thing, their minister is gay! No, she just cares about what her frineds think about things....so she'll just have to deal with it.

    At work, it could be a problem for some homophobes....hopefully just their problem!

    Thanks,

    Drew
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Jul 31, 2007 11:05 AM GMT
    I understand your fears....a lot of us have gone through some of them and have survived
    I think you need to look at it from a different perspective

    ...could you have stayed with your wife and made it work?
    I'm assuming the answer would be no...correct?
    There comes a time when these things become bigger than us all...where we cannot fight it anymore

    as far as your son goes...this is a chance to make him see how a homosexual dad can be just as loving and "normal" as any heterosexual dad
    this is where he's going to be forming his sexual views and anti-homosexuality runs rampant with kids his age because of fear of the unknown

    and then your socially conscious mom...
    time to find out where her love allegiance lies
    ..is it with her son or with her name dropping friends
    ....I don't think it'll be a problem since gay sons are all the rage in most circles
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    Jul 31, 2007 11:13 AM GMT
    dont do that to your son......he is at the most vulnerable age(s) now..... i know first hand what it feels like not to have dad around etc...
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    Jul 31, 2007 2:43 PM GMT
    Drew
    very courageous of you to bring this difficult issue here. It appears you have men here who have also been in your shoes.
    I rarely watch tv yet the other day I was watching something about marriage (breakups).
    One point brought up was this: you can separate or divorce your wife but you can divorce your children. Makes sense to me.
    For me at least as an uncle to my brothers and sister's kids, I can't stress the importance of a man in a childs life, esp a boy (girls too don't get me wrong here). and vice-versa-they bring so much love to my life.
    it can't be easy. I had a buddy who's wife couldn't be more vindictive toward her husband after the breakup. marriages do end for any number of reasons. sort out the legal issues I just hope the kids are loved as they always have been-your private life is your business. Not the business of your colleagues etc.
    Get support from the people who care about you. If you're happy your children will see this.
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    Aug 02, 2007 5:09 PM GMT
    I mistyped something-"you can't divorce your children" is what I meant to type.