Partner's Weight Gain

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  Feb 22, 2012 6:46 AM GMT

  I've always been into fitness and in-shape. My partner of about a year, however, recently cut back on working out (maybe once per week) and has been eating worse (soda, high fat food, etc). He also smokes (not cigarettes) more than once a day.
  
  I want to say something about his gain of like 15-20 pounds but don't know how to approach the subject without hurting his feelings. I obviously can't help but feel less attracted to him despite caring for him a great deal.
  
  How best, if at all, should I approach this matter?

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• rafiki87
  
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  Feb 22, 2012 1:10 PM GMT

  So the weight gain and loss of attraction is a bigger issue than the underlying psychological issues?
  
  Or that's just the impression I'm getting, reading the post...

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  Feb 22, 2012 1:14 PM GMT

  You talk to him.
  
  Notice how he has been smoking weed more --> eating bad food, less exercise.... ask him out of concern...what's been going on that he is smoking and not taking care of himself in terms of diet and exercise?
  
  Maybe try asking him if he wants to be your gym buddy. IDK.
  
  Just make it out of a place of concern as much as you can. His feelings may get hurt, and its good to acknowledge that. But HE is the only one who can provide you with answers.

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• blueandgold
  
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  Feb 22, 2012 1:15 PM GMT

  Well, you havent explicitly said it, so I'll ask:
  
  What do you want from him?
  
  

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  Feb 22, 2012 1:21 PM GMT

  tread carefully... he must be aware that he's going to pot (pardon the expression) and I wouldn't raise the angle that you're not as attracted to the fat lazy version of him... so if you raise it, do it as suggested by others. But you might just want to ask him if he wants to workout with you... or propose making healthier meals and snacks to start with.
  
  Do you think it's just a harmless case of him letting go and being a bit lazy? Or do you worry that there is something more serious going on?
  

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  Feb 22, 2012 1:24 PM GMT

  also just noticed that your profile mentions you are single... but your post indicates that you've been in a relationship for a year...
  
  bad bad boi...
  
  
  do you have an alternative agenda being on RJ? I don't judge but you might want to update your profile to "open relationship" if that is indeed the case... or "monogamous" if that is more appropriate...

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  Feb 22, 2012 1:29 PM GMT

  You have to raise the issue if it's something you care about, otherwise he won't know it's something that bothers you.

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  Feb 22, 2012 1:57 PM GMT

  If this represents a sudden change of behavior approach it from that perspective and ask if something is wrong, based on what you've observed. Do you know about possible new/increased stressers such as his job, family situation, etc.? Has there been a corresponding change in how he treats you?

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• HndsmKansan
  
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  Feb 22, 2012 2:01 PM GMT

  Well he is probably very aware and may be the result of some other frustration in his life (may not have anything to do with you). You might suggest you go to the gym at the same time... if he refuses, there isn't anything wrong with the direct approach. Serious conversations should always be a part of a good relationship.

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  Feb 22, 2012 2:49 PM GMT

  If it were happening with me, I would just show him pictures of how I looked like when I didn't work out. 140lbs. 6'2". At this stage of the game he's a selfish leech to me and I seriously want to kick his ass.

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  Feb 22, 2012 2:53 PM GMT

  Grow a pair and tell him or don't and quit bitching.
  
  

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  Feb 22, 2012 2:58 PM GMT

  Exactly, you should be honest with him but in a constructive way.
  
  Be there for him, try and figure out why he feels the need to smoke so much pot, the mad munchies will make anyone of a certain age gain weight.
  
  Loads of people let themselves go when they get into a long term relationship but it's usually because their partners don't treat them the same way they did when they first met. He needs an incentive to still look amazing for you, so provide one.

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  Feb 22, 2012 3:05 PM GMT

  bachian saidIf it were happening with me, I would just show him pictures of how I looked like when I didn't work out. 140lbs. 6'2". At this stage of the game he's a selfish leech to me and I seriously want to kick his ass.

  This makes no sense at all! First of all, 140# at 6'2" is underweight. Second, a relationship is all about caring for the other person regardless, not dumping their ass because they don't meet your physical requirements. Your comment seems extremely selfish, self centered and arrogant!

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  Feb 22, 2012 3:06 PM GMT

  tell him he's fat
  

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  Feb 22, 2012 3:07 PM GMT

  bismark1993 saidI've always been into fitness and in-shape. My partner of about a year, however, recently cut back on working out (maybe once per week) and has been eating worse (soda, high fat food, etc). He also smokes (not cigarettes) more than once a day.
  
  I want to say something about his gain of like 15-20 pounds but don't know how to approach the subject without hurting his feelings. I obviously can't help but feel less attracted to him despite caring for him a great deal.
  
  How best, if at all, should I approach this matter?

  
  
  As someone who struggled and gained a lot of weight between 2007-2010, but made life changing decisions in early 2011 which led to losing over 50 lbs and maintaining an active lifestyle, I have a few tips:
  
  First, I suggest you tell your partner that you love him no matter what. However, his destructive behavior is having an impact on you.
  
  Next, I would remind your partner that you both deserve to be happy and healthy. In order for you to be happy and healthy, and the relationship to grow, you would like to see your partner to share your healthy lifestyle.
  
  Finally, keep the door open. Let your partner that you're ready to help him make positive lifestyle changes but he needs to want to do it. If he says he does want to do it, ask him how much he wants to do it and how ready he is to start making the changes.

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  Feb 22, 2012 3:10 PM GMT

  eb925guy said

  bachian saidIf it were happening with me, I would just show him pictures of how I looked like when I didn't work out. 140lbs. 6'2". At this stage of the game he's a selfish leech to me and I seriously want to kick his ass.

  This makes no sense at all! First of all, 140# at 6'2" is underweight. Second, a relationship is all about caring for the other person regardless, not dumping their ass because they don't meet your physical requirements. Your comment seems extremely selfish, self centered and arrogant!

  
  
  I do agree his comment was a bit harsh. When you really fucking love someone you don't care about the superficial stuff because you love them for who they are and how they treat you. Their body fat % becomes irrelevant.
  
  If that's all one cares about then you are missing out on being a well developed human being.

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• Celticmusl
  
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  Feb 22, 2012 3:16 PM GMT

  I wouldn't make too much of a deal about it. Say something off the cuff like "where did that svelte and fit guy go that I fell in love with, will I ever see him again?"

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  Feb 23, 2012 12:51 AM GMT

  eb925guy saidThis makes no sense at all! First of all, 140# at 6'2" is underweight. Second, a relationship is all about caring for the other person regardless, not dumping their ass because they don't meet your physical requirements. Your comment seems extremely selfish, self centered and arrogant!

  
  
  Our philosophies are very different.
  
  I don't believe in unconditional love. Love in a sexual relationship is conditioned by looks, otherwise it's a friendship (which is very good too). This doesn't mean looks are sufficient, but they are definitely determinant in a sexual relationship. It's unacceptable and repulsive to be required to look good by someone who's not willing to do the same for me. This definitely isn't altruistic, which doesn't mean it's selfish. Selfishness would be requiring him to look good for me while not doing the same for him. Altruism would be accepting his selfish behavior while expecting nothing in return. What I preach is mutuality: where you give as much as you receive.
  
  If he doesn't meet my physical requirements, we can be friends, but a determinant condition of our sexual relationship was broken and unless we want to be a couple of friends -- which is a very acceptable outcome if you wish -- our sexual relationship is no more. If I were the one in trouble (because of some accident/etc), I would let him fuck someone else immediately. Does it sound selfish for you?
  
  But you are correct about being harsh: I have no tolerance for selfish leeches who want everything from me while giving me nothing in return. Whoever expects altruism from me should expect the worst reaction.

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  Feb 23, 2012 7:36 PM GMT

  DEKIRUMAN saidtell him he's fat
  

  
  
  
  hahaha
  

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  Feb 23, 2012 7:38 PM GMT

  jbinchlt said

  DEKIRUMAN saidtell him he's fat
  

  
  
  
  hahaha
  

  
  
  thats what my bf did for some months, i lost 17lbs so far...
  ahhh i miss the good foods!

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  Feb 23, 2012 7:43 PM GMT

  too funny because my BF once asked if I'd still love him when he gets fat... my response was something like "not trying to sound so shallow but keep the gym membership"!

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  Feb 23, 2012 7:52 PM GMT

  
  
  Well, I need to know if this is a real topic or a speculative one before replying because your profile says you're single and that you're not into immediate hook-ups.
  
  

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  Feb 23, 2012 7:53 PM GMT

  DEKIRUMAN saidtell him he's fat
  

  
  
  lol! omg meanie

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  Feb 23, 2012 7:56 PM GMT

  1 car battery
  1 cheesecake
  
  Hide the car battery in the fridge. Hook it up to the cheesecake. Done.

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• ATXnative
  
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  Feb 23, 2012 8:05 PM GMT

  ive had to do that, not with someone i was already dating.. but i had to be like, im not attracted to you anymore because of all the weight youve put on... and it was entirely true. i cant keep a stiffy with a guy who isnt fit, its just not aesthetically pleasing.

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