Fell in LOVE with my bestfriend

  • GoldenBoy12

    Posts: 49

    Feb 25, 2012 7:25 AM GMT
    Ok so I'm kind of still in the closet, and I think my best-friend is into me
    When we're alone he will make little jokes and do little things
    I don't know if it's clues or if i'm over-thinking it
    Recently we got into a little argument
    and he crept up behind me and got really close he breathed on my neck and then fixed my collar for me....
    When we first started hanging out I didn't have any feelings for this guy at all
    It wasnt into he bulked up on muscle and started maturing a little bit more that I started becoming attracted to him. I would soon start thinking about him CONSTANTLY and it's been like this since last summer
    I caught these feelings and I PRAY that he did too
    But sometimes I'm not sure
    I don't want to come out and ask and ruin our friendship because if he ever stopped talking to me..I wouldn't know what to do...icon_neutral.gif
  • Era69er

    Posts: 35

    Feb 25, 2012 8:30 AM GMT
    talk about girls like straight guys would and find it out that way and see how much he gets into the conversation.
  • GoldenBoy12

    Posts: 49

    Feb 25, 2012 8:50 AM GMT
    see that's the funny thing
    whenever someone brings a girl up
    he get's all into it and talks about what he would do to a girl
    but I think he's just hyping himself up so that no one could question him
    and he doesnt have sex often and when he does something goes wrong and he ends up cutting the girl off and never speaking to her again
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    Feb 25, 2012 5:45 PM GMT
    GoldenBoy12 saidsee that's the funny thing
    whenever someone brings a girl up
    he get's all into it and talks about what he would do to a girl
    but I think he's just hyping himself up so that no one could question him
    and he doesnt have sex often and when he does something goes wrong and he ends up cutting the girl off and never speaking to her again


    Yup... makes total sense and it could totally go either way. All my buds are straight and most are pretty touchy feely with me, even sleeping in my bed and cuddling with me. I've misread it a couple of times. He might be a little sexually curious hence the breathing on your neck thing (so fucking hot isn't it? man... i feel your pain). I'm sure you know this but even if he were sexually curious, it is not the same as him being in love with you or even "in like" with you. This is why I would suggest that you find an outlet for your attraction. Find another guy to get your rocks off with.

    I get the feeling that if he were to make a move, you'd be sexually attracted and emotionally connected to him. You could lose the friendship and get your heart crushed at the same time. Don't do it. Let him make the first move. I don't mean to be pessimistic, I just know that far more often than not, the feelings are not shared and the fallout is never worth it. I have first hand knowledge.icon_neutral.gif

    If you decide to come out to him, you should do so when you have a bf so that he doesn't get the wrong vibe. If he's into you, it would probably make him a little jealous (a good thing) and that might force him to be more clear about how he feels about you. If the keeping the friendship is important to you, you need to stop thinking about him emotionally and find an outlet and do it now. Everytime you go to daydream about him or think "what if he...", stop yourself and say, "don't do it". Think about some other hot guy and jerk it out of your system. Otherwise, it will drive you crazy man. You deserve to have uncomplicated attractions. Good luck man.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11836

    Feb 25, 2012 5:55 PM GMT
    Sounds like a crush has magnified by irrational thought and imagination....You need to decide if you want to risk your friendship by bringing up your feelings..You being in the closet you risk him turning on you and bringing your situation into the light...If your willing to risk all that..Go for it...But be ready to grow balls if it doesn't turn out in your favor...Good Luck
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    Feb 25, 2012 6:38 PM GMT
    If you are genuinely good and true friends, then I assume that your honest with each other when talking about your lives and experiences, including the bad ones. If you're not mutually on that level, then your just friends.

    You really have 2 choices. 1. Keep your mouth shut and enjoy your friendship until you decide you're ready to come out (regardless of him but rather because you are ready to and willing to accept how that will change your life, mostly for the better.)

    2. Tell him. But I'd suggest, assuming your feelings are as strong as you say, that you tell him you may have to end the friendship because of your feelings and you don't want to put him in an uncomfortable position, and additionally (for your protection) you know that a good man such as him wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt a friend.* You may be lucky and he'll respond in kind, but you should not go in expecting this. If he reacts badly, you can simply say that you had mistakenly thought he was a better man than that. If he says that he's straight, then just say OK and that you hope that won't impede your friendship and that you wouldn't do anything to make him uncomfortable but you'll be glad to honestly answer any questions he may have.

    * This is important to say, since you want to put him in the position of understanding that someone who'd out you would be a small, petty and judgmental person.

    Based on my own personal experiences with coming out as well as a number of other experiences, that true friends will not drop you because of mere human frailty. Thinking about everyone who'd ever dropped me as a friend for such things, that without exception, these are people I've learned that I was better off without.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Feb 25, 2012 6:48 PM GMT
    you're not in love... you're lusting after someone.
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    Feb 25, 2012 6:57 PM GMT
    ::sigh::

    I always fall in love with my best friends. Especially if we're into doing lots of things together; outdoorsy things. It's like a bonding experience and ooooo just causes me all sorts of problems. Especially since my best friend feels the same way. The problem arises because he's not truthful with himself or me about his feelings, (not just this but anything) and lies and deceives about lots of things because he's chronically insecure.

    Reminds me of this scene:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_cSvp2Ze7Q

    Sorry, lol, that doesn't really help you. I think you should DEFINITELY GO FOR IT! He did with me, and even though our relationship is on the rocks right now, I know it will correct itself as it always does and I experienced some of the most amazing times of my life with him (ESPECIALLY THE SEX!!)
  • Coug24_wyo

    Posts: 147

    Feb 25, 2012 7:17 PM GMT
    I could be wrong, but this reminds me of when I had a crush on my straight best friend in high school and because of that I often saw clues and hints that weren't really there. I'd be careful before making any moves as you don't want to jeopardize a good friendship for feelings that may be one sided.

    Good luck OP keep us updated!
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Feb 25, 2012 10:08 PM GMT
    Well what do you think will come of this...you aren't even out, so even if he was into you...then what? Are you gonna come out? I know this isn't a "come out" thread but seriously.. what would you do if you found out he was gay?

    Because it's not just coming out to him, it's coming out to everyone if you expect to be in a relationship. Are you ready to do that..?
  • GoldenBoy12

    Posts: 49

    Feb 25, 2012 10:45 PM GMT
    Thnks guys


    and I just wont mention it
    I'll look for someone who's already out
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Feb 26, 2012 10:16 AM GMT
    calibro saidyou're not in love... you're lusting after someone.

    why do you always tell people how they feel? Saying my relationship is a fling and the OP is in lust? Maybe not so much.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Feb 26, 2012 10:20 AM GMT
    GoldenBoy12 saidThnks guys


    and I just wont mention it
    I'll look for someone who's already out

    you gotta come out first. Can't start a real relationship till you're 100% comfortable in your own skin.
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    Feb 26, 2012 11:02 AM GMT
    That's just a really bad idea. Sorry to say that, but that usually ends up in a lot of pain.
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    Feb 26, 2012 12:08 PM GMT
    GoldenBoy12 saidThnks guys

    and I just wont mention it
    I'll look for someone who's already out

    Lots of possible things going on here, with lots of complications. Of course I don't know you, but right off I gotta say that almost every time I meet a guy who says he's closeted, I realize he only THINKS he's closeted.

    But he's really fooling himself, since even the straights around him often already know his "secret". All that's lacking is his official announcement that he's gay. And when he confirms it, he's frequently surprised that others AREN'T surprised by it, who reply that they had assumed he was gay all along, or thought it likely, or whatever.

    So a possibility is that your best friend, whom I'm assuming knows you very well, already has his suspicions. What his own orientation may be, and his intentions toward you, I can't guess. He may be a straight guy who gets horny, and wouldn't mind experimenting with a gay guy, especially one he can feel safe with. That's when your senses most perceive that he's into you.

    But he's not absolutely sure about you, and doesn't know how to breach the topic, just as you don't with him, either. If you do date some other guy you probably should let him know, he is your best friend, after all, who might be offended if he's kept in the dark. Then he's got an opportunity to express any feelings he has about you himself. Or doesn't have, in the event this is all in your imagination about him.

    A final caveat: straight men & women sometime find their friendship changes, and even dies, when sex enters the picture, and the same is true for gay friends. It's similar to the danger with having workplace sex, which introduces a whole new dynamic to relationships. And once you have sex it's difficult to put things back exactly as they were before. Fine if you go on to an LTR together, maybe not so fine if you don't.

    So I'd be cautious about taking a step with him that could be irreversible. But do proceed with trying to date some other guys, and consider coming out, if your present circumstances will allow it. At least you live in LA!
  • GoldenBoy12

    Posts: 49

    Feb 27, 2012 6:23 AM GMT
    thanks for the advice
    I almost told him today
    it's weird I picture myself telling him and I play it in my head
    which ways that it could go
    good or bad
    good as in he feels the same way and my dreams come true
    or bad he feels uncomfortable and doesnt want anything to do with me and he tells people
    I cant stop thinking about him, its worse everyday
    I need closure I've kept this secret buried to long and its driving me insane icon_sad.gif
  • GoldenBoy12

    Posts: 49

    Feb 27, 2012 6:26 AM GMT
    if only you guys know how hot he was
    to add on to my story
    their was a gay guy a few months ago that hit on him and he didnt really seem to be bothered by it, the guy told one of his female friends that he had a nice body and cute face and he laughed it off
    I forgot to mention this
    but didnt want to end up being some other weird gay guy with a huuge crush on him
    I mean alot of girls like this guy
    it's so annoying hearing girls talk about him and I might not even have him
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:35 AM GMT
    [[An attempt at a intelligently ironic sly comment at the OP's post Fail was supposed to go here]]

    Lust and Love are cousins; you don't want to be caught in the middle of, unless you like lots of drama and heartache. You're young, this is a good time to experience the only other good thing to come out of manwhoring yourself to the world; knowing how you feel when you LUST. You can have lots of fun, get tired of bars/clubs and all the debauchery that comes with them, and find out how "different" the LOVE experience is from LUST.

    P.S. If you're considering having a boyfriend, be ready to come out before he outs you; during the fallout. Just saying.
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:48 AM GMT
    Tread carefully. I fooled around with what I thought was a best friend of mine and since then things have not been quite the same, we still talk from time to time but it seems like there's a distance between us and a sort of awkwardness, at first I was really into him when we were fooling around, but I know him too well and there's too many qualities I don't like about him to ever want to date him, plus he's bi and has a girlfriend. Stepping back I'd prefer him as a friend, I have somehow introspectively turned off the lust I felt for him (I should probably mention I am a bit cerebral) and built a sort of wall, but I imagine after interacting with him in a certain way for so long (I've known him for 15 years) it just kind of naturally disappears.

    I do realize that the power of dick has more pull than the power of one's mind, just letting you know the consequences before hand.
  • TallguyNLA

    Posts: 440

    Mar 08, 2012 6:02 AM GMT
    I agree with everyone on here who says NO TO DO IT! YOU are the only one who will and most likely CAN GET HURT! As men, we always like to try things just to see how far we can push the envelope. Its not the best move to make when someone's feelings are at risk. If he makes a move on you, then YOU can step away and really put the whole situation in perspective. If YOU make the first move, then you run the risk of getting your feelings hurt...and if he is your best friend, then he already knows about your lifestyle...(whether you are in closet or not) he should be respectful of that boundary anyway.
    You mentioned that he's "hot." Thats tells us all that its a "lustful" attraction....just one more reason to put the brakes on.