Dating a guy who isnt out... bad idea?

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    Feb 27, 2012 5:21 PM GMT
    Im dating a guy who just mentioned that hes not out. And he wants things to go further with us, if I an cope with this..

    Coming out was a very pianful time for me.. really rough, and Im not sure I want to hide for someone else.

    He says he will come out when he fels theres someone he loves.. which means he will do it for someone else.. not to be authentic in himself.. not even his best mate knows hes gay.

    Any thoughts? I think its a deal breaker but wat to hear other peoples opinions
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    Feb 27, 2012 5:31 PM GMT
    That is really hard to do. I usually try and give the benefit of the doubt but its a challenge. He has to come up with these "stories" about how you guys know each other, where you guys met, how long you've known each other, why now of all times you are around a lot, etc.. then you have to know all these same stories that he is telling everyone else. Because if you say something different than what he's been saying then that's when things start to look fishy and he kicks your ass to the curb. You'll always be "a friend" to everyone he introduces you to, and you may even have to play that whole game where if someone calls and you are there, when you probably shouldn't be there like in the middle of the night or something, you have to be quiet so the person on the phone doesn't hear you.

    All I can say is good luck, if you decide to go through with it. Sometimes its not worth it. But I don't know the guy so its really up to you.
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    Feb 27, 2012 5:54 PM GMT
    Deal breaker for me. I don't need the guy to be out-proud-and-flaming-loud about it and neither am I that way. But at least the guy should be fine with hanging out with me in the local gaybourhood without fear.
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    Feb 27, 2012 5:54 PM GMT
    If he doesn't affect the relationship then its ok icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 27, 2012 5:55 PM GMT
    Thats what i think. Im very much a straight-acting kind of guy, I am not camp at all, but I LIKE public affection and having the self esteem not to lie about who you are- coming out is a way of being self accepting, and you do it for yourself, not for other people.
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    Feb 27, 2012 5:56 PM GMT
    Having learned the hard way, it's a deal breaker for me. Not only is it difficult when he's in the closet, but once he comes out, there's a good chance he'll become a kid in a candy store and need to figure things out. It's hard to make that work.
  • laxdude25

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    Feb 27, 2012 6:00 PM GMT
    This may sound silly coming from a bi married guy, but it would be a deal breaker to me. I am always open to being a friend and mentor to a guy in the closet, but I don't move to a emotional/physical connection with a guy unless he has truly accepted his own sexuality. He doesn't have to be flamboyant or way out, but I don't want there to be a constant tension, need to lie, etc.
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:02 PM GMT
    It depends on what "not out" means. There are different levels. I'm not out to everyone I know because I don't make them a part of my personal life. If I'm dating someone (you'll know because the world will be coming to an end), I don't hide my boyfriend or make up stories. If someone sees us out and about, oh well, too bad.

    I think you have to assess what you have to do to make him comfortable with his closeted life, and then you have to assess whether you're willing to make those sacrifices to stay in the relationship.
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:06 PM GMT
    How do you feel about him?

    my friend told me about a guy he was dating that wasn't out and when ever they were out in public and he thought he recognized someone he knew in the distance he would push my friend a few feet ahead of him or tell him to stay a few feet back so nobody would know they were together. He also described the same sitaution claystation was talking about that they had to get their "stories" right on how they met and why they're hanging out. I felt so bad for my friend because he was doing everything for this guy making him a priority when he was being treated like an option in return.

    if you're really into him and you think it's worth it then this is nothing but a little speed bump but if you're just casually dating getting to know one another better, I think it may turn out to be a constant headache for you.

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    Feb 27, 2012 6:07 PM GMT
    At the risk of sounding really judgmental, I think the "I'll come out when I'm in a relationship" strategy is a massive cop-out. If you plan to come out, come out. Your friends and contacts should be enough to help you shoulder the load.

    There's never a perfect time to do hard things.
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:09 PM GMT
    i would keep dating him, sure things might get rough for him if he comes out, but don't let that little challenge scare you.
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:12 PM GMT
    Kind of a deal breaker for me. I need a guy who is comfortable in his own skin both out in public and behind closed doors. I'm not gonna senor myself because my BF has issues with himself and who he is. I'm not gonna say I'm str8-acting (I hate that description with a passion) but I will say that more people think I'm str8 just because of my mannerisms and then are shocked to learn otherwise and even more shocked to learn how open I am about it. Basically my BF would need to be secure about himself and being around me because if not then I'd probably indirectly end up outing him just by association. That sounds similar to you. he'd be "outted" by association to you and I don't think he'd be fine with it.

    I would say that that the guy you are dating needs to figure a few things out before attempting to get into a relationship. That's the least of his worries and it seems unfair to you because it would seem like you are dating a secret.

    If he wants to be a fuckbud then sure...let him stay in the closet and not be out. For a relationship though he needs be out. He doesn't need to advertise his status but he needs to be secure and open with it in case someone inquires. It seems your potential BF isn't quite there yet so he should work on himself instead of a relationship.

    You should probably find someone who will meet you half way.
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:12 PM GMT
    JinRDU saidAt the risk of sounding really judgmental, I think the "I'll come out when I'm in a relationship" strategy is a massive cop-out. If you plan to come out, come out. Your friends and contacts should be enough to help you shoulder the load.

    There's never a perfect time to do hard things.



    You guys are answering everything I think
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:16 PM GMT
    blactor said
    JinRDU saidAt the risk of sounding really judgmental, I think the "I'll come out when I'm in a relationship" strategy is a massive cop-out. If you plan to come out, come out. Your friends and contacts should be enough to help you shoulder the load.

    There's never a perfect time to do hard things.



    You guys are answering everything I think
    Good luck to you, man!
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:20 PM GMT
    I lost a LOT of friedns when i came out ( evangelical church environment).

    It was highly traumatic and sent me into a huge maelstrom. Im beginning to be okay with myself for the first time in my life and the idea of skulking around like someones dirty secret isnt my idea of good self esteem. I want someone to be PROUD to have me as their boyfriend, and be happy to be so, because I am absolutely a good person.

    We were seeing each other but i cant go futher with this with him..
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:34 PM GMT
    TahoeAthlete saidHaving learned the hard way, it's a deal breaker for me. Not only is it difficult when he's in the closet, but once he comes out, there's a good chance he'll become a kid in a candy store and need to figure things out. It's hard to make that work.



    I agree with the kid in a candy store statement. Most guys, when they come out, are not ready for a relationship because they need to go out and taste the mancandy before they can settle on one piece. It's hard to settle on one piece even after you've tried the entire "mandy" store.

    If he's not strong enough to come out of the closet he's not strong enough for a relationship. What if you are dating him and either one of you are in an accident or get sick and it requires you to be around to help the other get well and for other's around you to know the status of what you are to each other. This is what happens in the real world and what you would need to do in a real and honest relationship...one that is real and honest not only with each other but to friends, family and co-workers. If you don't have that then it's a pretend relationship.
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:39 PM GMT
    brilliant advice. Thanks mate
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:42 PM GMT
    You're welcome. Don't settle for less and please...you're a handsome man....please post a pic of you smiling. icon_biggrin.gif
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Feb 27, 2012 6:43 PM GMT
    Boxer_Red saidif you're really into him and you think it's worth it then this is nothing but a little speed bump but if you're just casually dating getting to know one another better, I think it may turn out to be a constant headache for you.



    I find that as stated above, mentor role is the way to go, and most of the time it's a headache waiting to happen.

    As always though, it depends on how much you like them.
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    Feb 27, 2012 6:48 PM GMT
    Been there done that... things to consider if you are interested in an emotional connection, rather than casual sex/fck bud.

    A)Things that don't bother you in the beginning, may change with time and a deepening connection, aka- love

    B) If he is closeted, is he still under pressure from peers/family to fuck women? Would you be ok with him having a "beard"?

    C) Would you be ok with being the "secret" and only see him because of his schedule and hiding from his crew? Are there foreign cultural considerations and expectations for him to reproduce?

    D) ...and last but not least, would you have to drop him off around the corner from his house, even after say, six months?

    In many parts of the world people are killed for being out,(Iran for instance) so they accept hiding. It would be what you see is best for you.
    Good luck.!
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    Feb 27, 2012 7:02 PM GMT
    Depends on how well you like him, how you get along with him and how he receives your comments on how you feel about it. The last item is the biggie, go sit and talk to him. Tell him what you just told us and if you like him a lot, then tell him that. You can't force him to come out, he needs to do it when he's ready but he might reconsider if he knows that there's someone that cares enough to share their opinion about it.

    Good luck.
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    Feb 27, 2012 7:06 PM GMT
    I bet all those who think this is a deal breaker are still single.
  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Feb 27, 2012 7:07 PM GMT
    It will be an uphill battle. My boyfriend (after 2.5 years) has slowly been coming around. People in his office pretty much know (through gossip around the office where other people have seen him out). It doesn't bother him, as long as no one asks him he doesn't care. I even go to dinners and receptions as his “friend”… but most people get the hint.

    We both have friends that we have met together and all of my family and friends know him so going out isn't an issue. However his family does not know...This is the hardest part. I have been with him for over two years and haven't even met his son. But I feel like I know his son because he talks about him so much, and we go shopping for him.

    (Today actually he brought up that he wants me to meet his son, but as a friend...)

    If you know this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with then by all means, wait for him to come out. If you aren't sure, don't date him, it isn't worth the trouble.
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    Feb 27, 2012 7:07 PM GMT
    Back up, and forget you're the person who wrote this. Reread this with a fresh mind and you will what you think someone else should do, then do that; cause you and only you knows what's best for you and your life.
    I personally wouldn't mind, as long as he's not a dick about being in the closet, or using me on the side, as he cheats his wife or husband without telling them of his open relationship... but that's my experience.
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    Feb 27, 2012 7:12 PM GMT
    TotalTopJock said
    TahoeAthlete saidHaving learned the hard way, it's a deal breaker for me. Not only is it difficult when he's in the closet, but once he comes out, there's a good chance he'll become a kid in a candy store and need to figure things out. It's hard to make that work.



    I agree with the kid in a candy store statement. Most guys, when they come out, are not ready for a relationship because they need to go out and taste the mancandy before they can settle on one piece. It's hard to settle on one piece even after you've tried the entire "mandy" store.

    If he's not strong enough to come out of the closet he's not strong enough for a relationship. What if you are dating him and either one of you are in an accident or get sick and it requires you to be around to help the other get well and for other's around you to know the status of what you are to each other. This is what happens in the real world and what you would need to do in a real and honest relationship...one that is real and honest not only with each other but to friends, family and co-workers. If you don't have that then it's a pretend relationship.



    You said One Piece twice, awesome advice!