Exhausting the Options

  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Feb 28, 2012 8:38 AM GMT
    What do you do when you feel like you've tapped out the dating population of your area?

    You've gone out on dates with some guys. Some were cute, some were funny, and all of them were promising at first, but some didn't call back, others you just saw wouldn't work out, and there was that one with that giant piece of spinach stuck between his teeth...

    You've exhausted any attempt at connections, purely sexual, romantic and otherwise on adam4adam, Manhunt, Grindr, OkCupid and so on. Because we all know it's the same guys with the same profiles and photos duplicated on every website. You've had your slutty phase, or your "just looking for friends" phase, but had little luck meeting someone of quality on there.

    You're sick of the bars, who have the same people as in the virtual world. The GLBT sports league has the same people as the bar, the online sites. None of your friends have anyone they know single and available. Your gay friends are happily paired up and don't have anyone to suggest...



    I just really feel as if I've exhausted my dating options here, and even more than being single is the depressing thought that I have no more options left.

    What's a guy to do? Should I be framing the situation in a different way? Is there something else I could attempt? It just feels so hopeless at this point.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 9:08 AM GMT
    I wouldn't say that I've exhausted my options, but I basically don't give a shit about finding that special someone right now. I'm still in the "looking for new friends" phase of my life. But even that's been a flop lately, due to work schedule and some other things. I don't have any advice to offer. Just hang in there, and know there are other guys in the same boat.
  • Profire

    Posts: 224

    Feb 28, 2012 11:36 AM GMT
    dancedancekj said

    You've gone out on dates with some guys. Some were cute, some were funny, and all of them were promising at first, but some didn't call back, others you just saw wouldn't work out, and there was that one with that giant piece of spinach stuck between his teeth...


    You take a critical review of your requirements.
    If you broke up, or didn't go out on another date, with a guy because he didn't workout or he had spinach in his teeth, than you are missing some great opportunities to meet some great guys.

    Your situation sounds exactly like what Dan Savage talks about when he talks about the price of admission.

    Check out thus link
    [url]
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ObrFwjesno&feature=youtube_gdata_player
    [/url]
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 12:47 PM GMT
    i'm in the same exact boat. trying to go through the 'just looking for friends' thing, partly from disappointment and party in the hopes that "something will happen when i'm not looking for it," though in truth i still am- hard to just stop being lonely like flipping a switch. i live in an area surrounded by cities (Baltimore, DC, Philly) within driving distance... but its deceptive- an hour to DC or two to Philly does not make for convenient relationships or for meeting new people. I've been on ALL the profile sites, but its the same guys on every one. I've never been into bars or clubs in the first place, not that this area has any worth going to; not like NYC or LA. short of moving to a "better" city, which isn't in the financial cards for me any time soon, i just don't know what else to do..
    my problem isn't about not being able to keep relationships going or making them work or being too picky (though that's a great link, Profire- thanks)... its that I don't know how to meet attractive, available men in the first place after the internet fails me.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Feb 28, 2012 1:15 PM GMT
    Profire said
    dancedancekj said

    You've gone out on dates with some guys. Some were cute, some were funny, and all of them were promising at first, but some didn't call back, others you just saw wouldn't work out, and there was that one with that giant piece of spinach stuck between his teeth...


    You take a critical review of your requirements.
    If you broke up, or didn't go out on another date, with a guy because he didn't workout or he had spinach in his teeth, than you are missing some great opportunities to meet some great guys.

    Your situation sounds exactly like what Dan Savage talks about when he talks about the price of admission.

    Check out thus link
    [url]
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ObrFwjesno&feature=youtube_gdata_player
    [/url]


    OK, I lied. It's not really the spinach. Oftentimes it's the lack of intelligence, the alcoholism or drug problem, really bad financial habits, the fact we have nothing in common are the dealbreakers for me. The spinach was just theoretical.

    I don't feel my price of admission isn't high. You can't be, in a city like mine, otherwise I wouldn't be going on any dates. I'm also not the one who isn't willing to make things work - I am the one that gets rejected usually.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 1:36 PM GMT
    I'm feeling the same way but I get the deal breaker for most guys would be that I'm not completely forthcoming to my family...

    But that aspect can't be helped, not yet. I know there will never be a good time but its about being tactful.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Feb 28, 2012 2:00 PM GMT
    Hey OP, I know just what you're talking about. I love where I live: I have great friends, a great home, opportunities to do the things I love, and a (mostly) rewarding job. For the most part, I've been happy as a clam and not at all focused on a relationship. Sure, I've dated lots of guys in the area, but similar to you, none of them ever gained any traction. Usually because there wasn't the right vibe or chemistry, or they had baggage or I was too involved in my own activities to prioritize them.

    Recently, after some introspection, it's clear to me that I really want to meet guys and one day find the right one to go the distance with. The clincher, however, is that I think I will have to leave my comfortable bubble and go to a bigger place where the gay community is larger and more diverse. Here in the Raleigh-Durham area, it's either very transient and young (due to the many universities) or it's calcified into cliques or just a crowd that I've known for a long time, none of whom were ever prospects to begin with.

    If you want to catch fish, you got to go where the fish are...even if it means leaving one's comfort zone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 2:15 PM GMT
    NC3athlete saidHey OP, I know just what you're talking about. I love where I live: I have great friends, a great home, opportunities to do the things I love, and a (mostly) rewarding job. For the most part, I've been happy as a clam and not at all focused on a relationship. Sure, I've dated lots of guys in the area, but similar to you, none of them ever gained any traction. Usually because there wasn't the right vibe or chemistry, or they had baggage or I was too involved in my own activities to prioritize them.

    Recently, after some introspection, it's clear to me that I really want to meet guys and one day find the right one to go the distance with. The clincher, however, is that I think I will have to leave my comfortable bubble and go to a bigger place where the gay community is larger and more diverse. Here in the Raleigh-Durham area, it's either very transient and young (due to the many universities) or it's calcified into cliques or just a crowd that I've known for a long time, none of whom were ever prospects to begin with.

    If you want to catch fish, you got to go where the fish are...even if it means leaving one's comfort zone.
    Well said.

    Good luck and hang in there, dancedancekj.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Feb 28, 2012 3:54 PM GMT
    NC3athlete saidHey OP, I know just what you're talking about. I love where I live: I have great friends, a great home, opportunities to do the things I love, and a (mostly) rewarding job. For the most part, I've been happy as a clam and not at all focused on a relationship. Sure, I've dated lots of guys in the area, but similar to you, none of them ever gained any traction. Usually because there wasn't the right vibe or chemistry, or they had baggage or I was too involved in my own activities to prioritize them.

    Recently, after some introspection, it's clear to me that I really want to meet guys and one day find the right one to go the distance with. The clincher, however, is that I think I will have to leave my comfortable bubble and go to a bigger place where the gay community is larger and more diverse. Here in the Raleigh-Durham area, it's either very transient and young (due to the many universities) or it's calcified into cliques or just a crowd that I've known for a long time, none of whom were ever prospects to begin with.

    If you want to catch fish, you got to go where the fish are...even if it means leaving one's comfort zone.


    Haha, you and I don't seem to have any luck with romance, NC3. I had kind of came to the same conclusion unfortunately. I feel lucky to be in Omaha, since it is a mid sized city (and I could be in a much smaller or rural city/town, which as Larkin has pointed out previously is very very difficult). Omaha is similar to the Raleigh-Durham area that has the young and transient and the calcified cliques, and I have been here almost 9 years.

    Where are you thinking about heading? As much as I do love Omaha, I am thinking it is time for a new place myself.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Feb 28, 2012 3:57 PM GMT
    There's all sorts of great things about being single. Be happy, be 100% content with who you are regardless of circumstances, and focus on everything that is good and fulfilling in your life. If someone comes along, great, and if no one does, it doesn't affect your happiness or your outlook. It's fine to give up the search for a mate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 4:08 PM GMT
    I was going to throw in my 2 cents about small cities being lame for dating but I see I've already been mentioned icon_smile.gif

    The previous advice is good advice. Perhaps open yourself up to new ideas or ways of dating. I've long since settled into the reality that my husband isn't here in backwater Tallahassee, Florida. He just isn't. It's a blessing of sorts that things in general aren't working out for me in Tallahassee so I'm free to go wherever and do whatever... which means finding a bigger pool where my husband can find me haha.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 4:15 PM GMT
    camfer saidThere's all sorts of great things about being single. Be happy, be 100% content with who you are regardless of circumstances, and focus on everything that is good and fulfilling in your life. If someone comes along, great, and if no one does, it doesn't affect your happiness or your outlook. It's fine to give up the search for a mate.


    This is where I am right now.

    I feel like gay guys especially -- and yes, there is some stereotyping here, but it wouldn't be a stereotype if there wasn't some truth to it -- have a difficult time making the effort required to be in a meaningful relationship. It's easy to fall for someone; it's hard to learn how to compromise, deal with another guy's bad habits or bad days instead of the good ones, etc. I've found most guys are happy to go on a date, hook up, "get to know you," etc, but when it comes time to commit... or when they have to do anything more than come over, hang out, and sleep with you... or when they have to deal with the aspects of your life that aren't all perfect and flawless, they immediately check out.

    So yeah... I'm fine being single too. I'm focusing on my life and where I want to be over the next few years. And if I'm fortunate enough to meet some good guys along the way, that's awesome -- but if I don't, that's OK too.
  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 379

    Feb 28, 2012 4:27 PM GMT
    @czarodziej

    Excuse the superficiality, but if YOU can't find a way to met viable men in person, then -we- the rest of the human race are royally fucked over. Where I live men would trip over themselves for a chance to talk to you.

    @Everyone

    If you really have combed over the ENTIRE gay population, witch I find hard to believe, then you either comb again with less fine comb, or move to a bigger pond with more fish.

    However, it may also be time for some self-analysis. Experience have showed me that most of the time falling in love/connecting with someone is actually more about how YOU perceive that someone than it is about the way that someone really is.

    For example, you won't find someone that moves the floor underneath you and last for the long haul until you are not feeling happy about yourself and the way you are working improving yourself. Anything else will feel that you are settling for less than you deserve.

    A fellow RealJocker here, Larkin, once said it best "if you want to date certain type of men, you better become that type of men".

    And relax a little! I've been sentimentally active with men for about 15 years, have dated more than I could count, and only have "clicked" with 5 or so. The keepers come once in a while. It doesn't happen every day, week, nor year.


    czarodziej saidi'm in the same exact boat. trying to go through the 'just looking for friends' thing, partly from disappointment and party in the hopes that "something will happen when i'm not looking for it," though in truth i still am- hard to just stop being lonely like flipping a switch. i live in an area surrounded by cities (Baltimore, DC, Philly) within driving distance... but its deceptive- an hour to DC or two to Philly does not make for convenient relationships or for meeting new people. I've been on ALL the profile sites, but its the same guys on every one. I've never been into bars or clubs in the first place, not that this area has any worth going to; not like NYC or LA. short of moving to a "better" city, which isn't in the financial cards for me any time soon, i just don't know what else to do..
    my problem isn't about not being able to keep relationships going or making them work or being too picky (though that's a great link, Profire- thanks)... its that I don't know how to meet attractive, available men in the first place after the internet fails me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 4:28 PM GMT
    Congratulations on being the biggest whore in your city.
  • dancedancekj

    Posts: 1761

    Feb 28, 2012 4:40 PM GMT
    Dominican_Gent said@czarodziej

    Excuse the superficiality, but if YOU can't find a way to met viable men in person, then -we- the rest of the human race are royally fucked over. Where I live men would trip over themselves for a chance to talk to you.

    @Everyone

    If you really have combed over the ENTIRE gay population, witch I find hard to believe, then you either comb again with less fine comb, or move to a bigger pond with more fish.

    However, it may also be time for some self-analysis. Experience have showed me that most of the time falling in love/connecting with someone is actually more about how YOU perceive that someone than it is about the way that someone really is.

    For example, you won't find someone that moves the floor underneath you and last for the long haul until you are not feeling happy about yourself and the way you are working improving yourself. Anything else will feel that you are settling for less than you deserve.

    A fellow RealJocker here, Larkin, once said it best "if you want to date certain type of men, you better become that type of men".

    And relax a little! I've been sentimentally active with men for about 15 years, have dated more than I could count, and only have "clicked" with 5 or so. The keepers come once in a while. It doesn't happen every day, week, nor year.


    You know, you are right. Along with Profire's advice, I guess it is time to start combing with a less fine comb - you never know what you'll turn up right? Could be right under your nose sometimes.

    I am always trying to better myself, and always trying to learn from my experiences in dating. I'm not expecting prince charming, I'm not looking to find the perfect man, but I do have a good idea of a realistic vision of the person that I would find compatible with me in the long run. I would like to think that I am somewhat less extremist in my attitude...

    @Haaretz, I'm not a whore if I didn't sleep with that many people. Just a tease maybe?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 5:56 PM GMT
    Dancedancejk@Haaretz, I'm not a whore if I didn't sleep with that many people. Just a tease maybe


    Of course whores don't sleep with people. They fuck, get paid and leave. Anything else would be unprofessional, right?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 6:02 PM GMT
    Move away from Omaha.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Feb 28, 2012 6:20 PM GMT
    camfer saidThere's all sorts of great things about being single. Be happy, be 100% content with who you are regardless of circumstances, and focus on everything that is good and fulfilling in your life. If someone comes along, great, and if no one does, it doesn't affect your happiness or your outlook. It's fine to give up the search for a mate.


    I totally agree--as you'll notice from my posting I'm pretty contented with my lot in life, so wanting to meet guys from a bigger pool has nothing to do with needing another person to fill a void. Just kind of want to change things up and see what happens in a different environment, rather than rotating in the same small circle.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 6:22 PM GMT
    dancedancekj saidWhat do you do when you feel like you've tapped out the dating population of your area?
    Wait till the next tourist season.
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Feb 28, 2012 6:32 PM GMT
    As soon you let on that you're human, or that the guy you're dating is human, it's all over. We're picky, the guys we date are picky, I'm amazed when I meet two people who are together and happy. It gives me hope but...
  • Trepeat

    Posts: 546

    Feb 28, 2012 7:57 PM GMT
    Did you try making more money?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 8:53 PM GMT
    There are always more guys, you just have to look in different places and try different things, dating is a process and love is a tough business, you kinda have to take it a day at a time and know what you want but not be too picky..i was much more idealistic when I was younger. as I get older I try to be more pragmatic about dating
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 9:10 PM GMT
    I think your thought about leaving Omaha might be a good idea. A change of scene might just give you that shot in the arm - so to speak. I guess I'm lucky, but I've only had a couple of dry spells - and oddly enough they were in my early 20's. I was mainly doing one-nighters then, and wasn't too happy about it (the next morning). I had to change something. I started getting out and getting more involved with the activities I naturally loved. I met guys (often great guys - real b.f. material) at these places:

    * My alumni association - monthly parties or board meetings & brunches. I went to sports events (H20-polo & football games) and reestablished communications with alums I knew - and many I had never met.

    * Rotary Club (weekly lunches/meetings with other guys in the business world in my city).

    * National Trust for Historic Preservation (meetings, cocktail gatherings, volunteering as a docent). Doesn't sound too exciting, does it? But I met a great s.o. there through those twice monthly Saturdays, so I can't knock it!

    * Through friends / their parties / bar-b-ques & ski trips, things like that.

    * I met one b.f. that was among my best ones while out running on my lunch hour. There I was, a sweaty mess - and who knew I'd meet anyone that day?

    * My best one - and my permanent s.o. came from the Internet. Don't laugh. It was right here in Forums - about 5 years ago. And we lived on opposite coasts. Who knew that could happen? And I'm not exactly young and in my prime anymore..........so if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.

    The main thing is to get out and DO things that you would normally like doing. Then, if a hot guy should appear - fine! If not, you're still doing fun things with friends. Good luck!





  • Teqkilla42

    Posts: 338

    Feb 28, 2012 9:17 PM GMT
    I almost feel that way about Boston, honestly. I think it's just because I'm young and so much of the gay scene is pretty inaccesible to me right now, but waiting another year to be able to go to bars/join softball to most likely just see the same people from the internet is a bit discouraging...we'll see.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 28, 2012 9:23 PM GMT
    if you feel trapped and limited because of location then that might be a sign for you to move and expand beyond the limits of your current living area.

    As so you might wanna do a little reflecting on yourself and what's going on. On so many occasions people are quick to blame others but more often then not they are actually their own worst enemies. I'm not saying you need to dumb your standards. Heavens no. I'm just saying you might want take a step back and just slowly look at some things in your life and get a different perspective.

    You might be surprised at what you find. If everything seems fine and in order then I'll guess the reward is you taking comfort in knowing that you aren't the problem at least not totally at fault with your current situation.

    Don't worry about it. You'll find someone. icon_biggrin.gif